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By David Washburn
I remember standing outside of my Aunt Becky and Uncle Pete’s massive house at Christmas every year. After those long drives every December, I’d be in awe every time. I was just a little girl and I always thought about how much bigger their house was than ours and how my cousin and I led very different lives.
Every year, we would pack up the Wagoneer with a week’s worth of whatever we needed–or thought we needed–and hit the road. It was somewhat of a family tradition around Christmas time. School would let out, and my father would take a week off work, and we would make the trip from Cincinnati to Grand Rapids.
Everything changed during my twelfth Christmas, though I didn’t know it when I stood outside as my mom hugged my aunt and uncle while my dad pulled our stuff out of the car and set it on the pavement. I was always happy to see them, but I was always more excited to see Joshua, my cousin. He was only two years older than me, but we have always been tethered to one another like best friends.
Joshua came running out from between a row of cars–much nicer than anything my parents could afford–and I could feel the tingle of excitement whenever I would see him.
“Bethany! Come on! I wanna show you upstairs!” he said with joy oozing from his words. His excitement matched my own anticipation. Like I said, best friends.
“Coming!” I shouted.
“Well hello to you too, honey,” my Aunt Becky said with a laugh as I ran past her to follow Joshua.
“I’ve got to show you the game I just got. It’s so cool!”
We walked through the courtyard and up the stairs where the beautiful and imposing wooden door with the etched glass stood before us. Joshua pushed it open. “What game is it?” I asked.
“It’s Turtles in Time,” he said, as we moved through the foyer.
“On Nintendo?” We walked up the staircase with the fancy banister.
“Better,” he said, as he raced up the stairs, skipping a step with each stride. I struggled to keep up. “Super Nintendo!”
“Whoa! Cool! You got one!?” I had heard kids at school talk about it and I would be mesmerized by the commercials anytime the Super NES would grace the screen.
“Yes! You have to play it with me!”
We got to the third floor where it was basically a finished attic that his parents turned into a dedicated playroom for him. I noticed immediately that there were two beds this time and so many things to do up there. The year before, we weren’t allowed up there and it was taped off and reeked of paint and dust. Now, it was a kid’s dreamscape of video games, a great big TV set, and action figure playsets that I only saw in the box when we went to K-Mart.
“Let’s do it,” I said.
We planted ourselves in front of the TV and he handed me the controller. “I want to be Raphael!”
“Awww, but I like the red one,” I whined. I would have probably whined at any of them he picked though, because they are all awesome.
“Fine, you can be Raphael. I’ll be Leonardo then.” I guess he thought they were all cool too, considering he wouldn’t put up much of a fight.
I wasn’t used to this much space compared to our house, and this upstairs area was more than we needed. It goes without mentioning that the rest of the house was the same with all those unclaimed bedrooms.
I feel bad nowadays reflecting on it, but I remember as a little girl wishing that we were brother and sister and that I lived there too. Not that I was particularly ungrateful or didn’t love my parents or anything. I mostly used to fantasize about that on the sad car ride home when we would leave. I even knew which room would be mine in those fantasies.
It’s safe to say that Joshua was a major influence on me from an early age. Being an only child, I relied on seeing other kids in the family and from around the neighborhood. I had friends from school, but Joshua was so cool, and I was so impressionable. I would be over-saturated with cool stuff for one glorious week in December and ride that high until we came back again, a year older, ready to catch up. Nintendo one year, Ninja Turtles the next, and I vaguely recall us both wanting to be Power Rangers when we grew up.
One night, we would always go out to eat somewhere nice. Nice to Mom and Dad was much different than nice to my aunt and uncle. To us, Ponderosa and Bob Evans were nice. Uncle Pete would treat us all to steakhouses we’ve never heard of, though. With better dressed waiters and much, much better food. I remember the menus not even having prices on them and my dad leaning over to tell me that’s how you know it’s gonna be good. We usually had pizza delivered for a couple of nights and Aunt Becky and my mom were always happy to prepare a meal at their home. Aunt Becky loved to bring out the fine China for guests. Christmas dinner was always a big spectacle, with Aunt Becky and my mom all too happy to help organize the chaos. We always did this on the last evening before we made the drive back home the following morning.
♪♪♪
There were times we would play outside. Because this was Michigan, we were lucky in that we almost always had a white Christmas. We would go sledding, build snowmen, hunt for the longest icicles in the neighborhood and pretend they were all-powerful swords, and finally, battle in the ceremonial snowball fight. The one where all the kids in the neighborhood would come out and take part in packing snow in their hands and launching at one another with violent excitement. Playful warfare. What a time to be alive.
This particular year, I think I was twelve. Joshua would’ve been thirteen or fourteen. I remember him showing me Nirvana and that being a major influence on my taste in music. I listened to Foo Fighters and Bush albums on the way here if that tells you anything.
Anyway, there were two kids that lived across the street about the same age as Joshua and me. Amber and Eddie were their names. Eddie was friends with Joshua and when they would hang out, I could tell they were close. Amber was nice too, but she and I didn’t really click as well. She was more of your typical girly girl where I leaned more tomboy-ish. I specifically remember her soft pink coat and how the fuchsia mittens stood out like a beacon that screamed look at me. I’ll never forget those mittens.
She would come around and be a third wheel to Joshua and Eddie, and from my perspective as a spectator for the week, she seemed to look for any excuse to come around. Eddie was full of eyerolls and Joshua seemed to not be interested in flirting back at all. Though I didn’t realize that’s what was happening at the time. Only after years of reminiscing.
“I think my parents got me a computer for Christmas,” Eddie told Joshua.
“That’s super cool. Where are you even going to put one of those?” Joshua asked.
“I’m getting a Barbie dreamhouse. The one that’s on TV,” Amber jumped in, “and a pink corvette to park next to it.”
The boys rolled their eyes. I couldn’t relate because that is not a gift that would excite me at all.
“No one cares about your girl crap, Amber.” Eddie jabbed.
“Yeah, aren’t you a little too old for dolls anyway?” Joshua asked.
Amber’s excitement washed away as her expression became hurt. “You don’t have to be a jerk about it!” she shouted as she pushed Eddie, barely moving him. The boys laughed.
“Why don’t you go play with someone else who cares about your girl toys?” Joshua added.
“I thought,” her voice hitched, and I could hear the hurt in her voice, “I just thought you liked me and wouldn’t be so mean about it.”
“Oh, you thought he wouldn’t be mean about it,” Eddie said, mocking her in a dumb voice while he made a dumb face.
“Just go home then.” Joshua added.
Amber stares through Joushua, almost menacingly. The hurt in her eyes made them glisten. “You know, you’re a real jerk sometimes too, you know that?”
I remember feeling a little awkward being there, like I was on the outside of an inside joke. She shot a glance at me, and I couldn’t hold eye contact with her. Her shoulder sagged and matched her frown, making me feel guilty. The tension in the air around us was uncomfortable, and I could feel the rejection she felt. She was discarded so easily by a boy, and I wanted to intervene or connect with her in a way that didn’t make her feel so...excluded. But I didn’t know how at that time. That was the first time I remember ever having the conscious thought that my favorite cousin who I only talk to on the phone and see once a year had a whole different life when I wasn’t around. He was kind of an asshole, and that was the first time I really noticed. It made me start to wonder things like, what was Joshua like in school? Did he pick on girls? Did he get into fights? I couldn’t imagine him being a bully, but then, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
The next day, we were heading to Faye Lake for a winter festival. I was so excited to go ice skating because that wasn’t something we did back home. Up here, they played hockey and all sorts of cold weather sports. Back in Cincy, there were much smaller ice-skating rinks that were usually overcrowded. I like to think I was a decent skater and I wish I did it more now as an adult in my late thirties. The satisfaction of gliding through the ice feels like floating.
Eddie came along this time, but his parents insisted he take Amber too. She was all too happy to tag along. I was glad to see she was able to move past the awkwardness from the day before.
She walked beside me, and I felt compelled to make conversation. “Hey, did you see Ghostbusters?”
She looked at me with a puzzled look. I could tell she didn’t know what I was talking about. “Nah, I don’t watch those kinds of movies.”
“Oh,” I replied, as we returned quickly to silence. I guess I assumed everyone had seen it. Joshua and I had watched it the night before, so I was eager to talk about it. I felt my own brand of rejection, just in how different she and I were.
♪♪♪
Faye Lake was a great spot in the winter. Whenever the temps were below freezing for a consistent stretch, the town would let people openly skate on the lake. The snowbirds would take their vacations down south and a portion of others would just lose interest in skating on the lake. So, by the time I got here it wasn’t as lively as I always hear it is. The first couple of weeks were busy but things had died down by Christmas. Shortly after arriving, Eddie realized he had forgotten something and needed to go back home. It was about thirty minutes of walking to get there but he said he was fine and that he would be back as soon as he could. In the meantime, Amber and Joshua hung out a little but it was weird. Different, now that Eddie wasn’t around. Joshua was suddenly shy or irritated, I couldn’t tell. I got my skates laced as fast as I could and sped off because that was super awkward. I got the sense maybe Joshua did like her, maybe, but was putting on a front when Eddie was around.
That day, I had determined that boys are weird. I still stand by it.
I skated out as far as I was comfortable on the lake and spent a long time out there in my own space just zipping back and forth as fast as I could. I was taking advantage of the day, knowing I wouldn’t get to do it again until next year. I remember having to pee really bad, so I floated back to the restrooms.
I handled my business, and as I came out, I went looking for Amber and Joshua. When I couldn’t find them, I stopped looking after just a short time and figured that if they needed me, they would come and find me. I’d be on the water, skating like some sort of Midwest Jesus.
While I was in one of my pushes to glide as fast as I could from one end of the lake to the other, I caught Amber and Joshua play-fighting. Or so it seemed. I skated around in circles for a minute, thinking maybe they wanted to be left alone. They were on the ice just past a strip of land where there were trees. Like a peninsula for the lake where the canopy of snow-covered trees hid them well enough from most passersby. Overhead, the lake might be shaped like a macaroni noodle.
Anyway, they were far off, like I was; I would guess about fifty yards. I thought maybe I would get to see them kiss or something cute. I feel so stupid now; I wanted to see them kiss so I could mock Joshua later that night. Now I only wish it would’ve been that.
They seemed playful, wrestling as I watched from across the lake, unnoticed. That was until Amber pulled back, and as she was starting to skate away, the ice broke from underneath her feet. Joshua reacted quickly to try and pull her out but as her arms flailed, he struggled to get a grip on her. When he got ahold of her hand, the fuchsia mitten slipped off and he fell backwards with it in his grip.
“Josh!” I heard Amber say, bobbing in and out of the water. “Help!”
I stood witness to this, paralyzed myself in disbelief of what was happening. Why is he just watching? I wondered. I still wonder.
Joshua didn’t get up at all. He just sat there with the mitten, watching her arms slam against the edge of the ice as her head bobbed in and out of the frozen lake.
Joshua stood and looked at her and then looked around. He wasn’t trying to save her. No one was around.
Except me...
From through the trees on a small strip of land that separated us, we locked eyes. The paralysis dissolved and I raced around to him as fast I could.
I was too late. Amber had already stopped struggling and sank to the bottom, trapped under ice.
“I tried to save her,” he pleaded, as he began to move off the ice.
“You didn’t!” I cried. “You just watched her!”
“I-I...froze.” He reached for an explanation. “Wait... you saw!? How much did you see?”
“Enough.”
The look in his eyes showed only fear. “Bethany.” He dropped the mitten onto the ice. “You can’t tell anyone what happened here.”
“We have to tell someone! We have to go get help!” I started to skate away, and he grabbed my sleeve, spinning me around, almost knocking me over.
“Promise me you won’t say anything!” he demanded.
“What am I supposed to say Josh!?” I asked, feeling sick to my stomach. I struggled to even breathe.
“It was an accident. I tried to save her!” he pleaded. “No one has to know!”
My eyes cut through him as we both stood there cold, scared, and changed.
“You don’t want your favorite cousin to get in trouble do you? I know I don’t want to get in trouble. My parents would send me away. No one can find out about this.”
Guilty, I didn’t say anything. I jerked my arm from him and stumbled backwards.
“I’m going to go find help, wait here.” He began to skate away. He turned back to me. “Don’t say anything. Please?” he asked, which felt more like begging in his weak tone. I could tell he was scared too. Everything happened so fast. I didn’t understand what I saw, and I still have trouble believing he could just let her drown like that. But I didn’t want him to get in trouble either. He was family, my best friend, and I was stupid.
As he skated away, I looked at the hole in the ice that Amber fought to escape from and looked away quickly. Tears welled up, and I couldn’t control myself. I lost it. I hardly knew her, but I felt the weight of that moment.
It’s like I don’t even know who my cousin is anymore, I thought. My best friend had become a stranger to me in a matter of minutes.
I saw the mitten on the ice, picked it up, and stuffed it into my coat pocket. Not long after, Joshua came back with several adults, rushing over to pull Amber out of the frigid depths while everything around me became blurry and muddied sounds. Uncle Pete and my dad came and picked us up. Eddie had gotten back not long before we left, and he learned of it right then. He waited there as his parents arrived, I think, but we had already left after the police questioned Joshua and me.
The police asked me if I saw what happened, and I told them no.
And that was the day I lied to someone with a badge.
♪♪♪
The next year, when we made the trip to Michigan, things were not the same. My parents could feel it because of my change in attitude that time around. I wasn’t thrilled about going and I’m sure it was obvious from the detached scowl on my face. I avoided talking to Joshua on the phone a couple of times earlier in the year, and I was anxious about seeing him and pretending nothing was wrong. We were both a year older and both teenagers at that point. I had a year to process watching my cousin–my best friend–let a girl die in freezing water.
I was not sure how I felt even then, to be honest. I was angry at him for letting it happen, sure, but then, I was angry at myself for complying with his lie. I felt just as guilty as he should have, but I was too far removed from it to speak up at that point.
We got there and things were just as weird as you could imagine. Uncle Pete and Aunt Becky were as loving and welcoming as they always were, but when Joshua looked at me, my heart turned to ice while my lips were a locked cage for any words dancing on the tip of my tongue.
He looked at me, standing there with his hands in his pockets and a nod. “Sup?”
“Hey,” was all I could offer. “I need to use the restroom.” It was a lie, but the only thing I could think of was to get out of that exchange.
My blood boiled in my body as I leaned against the sink counter. He was so nonchalant toward me. He knew what I knew, and I had no one in the world I could open up to about this. This secret of his was now mine too and I was complicit and all I wanted to do was scream. But I also just wanted to cry.
Amber’s family deserved to know, but I was torn because I didn’t want to see anything happen to my cousin either. That bond was still strong despite my rage and festering resentment.
I mostly kept to myself and watched Hallmark movies and Die Hard through the week, detaching more and more throughout the visit. I had no interest in outdoor activities or playing video games with Joshua anymore. He picked up on that early on and met my silence with his own. I’m sure he was uncomfortable, considering we never talked about what happened at all. An unspoken understanding, I guess, that I was fucking pissed at him and thought he was a coward. I only hung around the family when I had to be dragged to dinner, and I made that difficult on my parents. No one deserved that from me, but I so badly did not want to be there, and it was frustrating that I couldn’t say why. I guess being a pain in the ass was my self-expression.
The sleeping arrangements were interesting that year. The year before, we’d sleep upstairs in the rec-space, but this year, I slept up there alone. Joshua must’ve taken the hint the first day because he chose to stay in his bedroom and hid there for much of the visit. I suppose that was a sign that me being there was just as uncomfortable for him as it was for me.
♪♪♪
I haven’t told this story in years, but the first night is when things got really weird. I remember lying in bed under the heavy blankets. It was particularly cold in the attic, but I didn’t mind, so long as I was able to bury myself in layers. I laid there, just spacing out, lost in my mind, swimming through thoughts. I wasn’t trying to sleep but I wasn’t necessarily trying to stay awake either. My brain was just zooming.
The night took a turn when I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye in the single window.
Snow and moonlight touched the glass along with what I’m certain was a face staring at me. My eyes went wide as I sat up quickly and leaned forward to focus.
I turned on the bedside lamp, but before I could concentrate on anything, the television across the room turned on by itself, stealing away my attention. The sound of the static scrambling on channel 03 made me cry out in surprise. The volume must’ve been full blast. So loud that it was disorienting. I rushed over to turn it off and when I did, I looked back to the window.
The person was gone, and in its place was a simple drawing of an angry face in the condensation.
The lamp then flickered off as I stepped away from the TV, and the blood went cold in my veins as the bumps on my skin raised. I jogged over to the lamp and when I twisted the switch, the bulb lit for a fraction of a second before it made a popping sound. A sound that made my skin crawl. I jumped at the sound and the icy hand slithering up my spine made me that more desperate to leave.
And I was back in the dark. My heart thrummed in my chest with a building tempo like a bass drum.
I ran to the door and was going to tell someone about the lamp, but when I left the room and entered the stairwell that led to the hallway, the door slammed shut behind me on its own. The slam made me jump as the door rattled the entire frame and walls around it. I shrieked. Everyone seemed to come out of their rooms at once and eyeballed me on the stairs with my hand on my chest looking and feeling like I’d seen a ghost.
Before I could say anything, the TV turned on again, just like before. The static on the tube screamed from channel 03 as though it was waiting for us to play the Nintendo console like we used to.
I rushed up and opened the door and the lamp was on again, brighter than usual. I ignored the light and unplugged the TV as my family, including Joshua, spilled into the attic.
“What is going on?” my mother said, her hand hiding a yawn. Everyone else was alert.
“The window. There was a face! It was there and then the lamp! And the TV! I–”
“Okay, okay,” my dad said, pulling me close to his chest while he rubbed my back. “You just had a nightmare, honey.”
Aunt Becky put a hand on my cheek and stared at me like you would a baby kitten doing something cute. “It’s okay, Bethany. Everything is fine. Your Uncle Pete is checking the room and there is nothing here. Get some sleep, hon.”
I felt so dismissed that night. Everyone left in a marching line and expected me to just go to sleep.
Everyone but Joshua. He hung back, hovering as I watched him with cold eyes, wondering what he was doing.
“Do you...do you want me to stay with you?” he asked, softer than usual. Almost like a small child. I wasn’t sure how to even answer, but I knew that I didn’t want to sleep alone after that.
“Sure.” I was relieved to not be alone, even if it was with someone I didn’t want to be around. This didn’t change the fact that I was still pissed at him. I hoped he knew that offering to keep me company wasn’t going to change that.
♪♪♪
Joshua and I laid in our beds there in the attic in silence for a while. I couldn’t sleep. It was crazy to think I’d ever sleep again.
I was sure that I had seen someone in the window, which was impossible. We were on the third floor and the window was far from the ground with only bushes underneath. The bushes weren’t the kind you could climb either. You would have to be Spider-Man to have reached the window well enough to show your face.
The tension was thick between us, only matched by the silence. Until it was broken.
“So,” he began, “I know that you’re mad at me...but how can I make things right with you?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I really didn’t either. I didn’t even know how to talk to him anymore. I rolled over and faced him, wanting to say something more but unsure of what to say. The silence built for a bit. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”
He let out a slow exhale as he rolled onto his back. “I know,” he said, “I can’t either.”
“I see her in my dreams sometimes,” I told him. It was true. I had all sorts of dreams about Amber. Sometimes the same dreams. The most common one being the one where I am standing there, my feet at the edge of the ice, staring into the hole as she reaches for me. I would just stand there, frozen as I watched her eventually stop reaching. I would wake up crying with my heart racing.
“Me too.”
After a moment of uncomfortable air between us, I tried to fill that space with more questions. Even though I was horrified he pretended it never happened, it was still nice to talk to him again.
“Do you still hang out with Eddie?”
“Not since that day.”
I remember feeling so sad for Amber’s family. Eddie lost his sister and his best friend. This whole situation was so messed up. And I saw it all happen.
“Does anyone else know?” I asked.
“No,” he replied behind a veil of shame.
Of course no one knew. It was the perfect crime. I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t have saved her, even just by instinct. I’ve been in his shoes many times in my dreams, though, and it was no different. My feet, heavy, and my body unable to move.
“Have you told anyone?” he asked me.
“No... but I thought about it a lot,” I told him. “I still do.”
“You know you can’t tell anyone now, right?” he asked, his voice firmer.
“I know.”
“They’d lock me up.”
“I know.”
“My parents wouldn’t look at me the same.”
“Why did you do it?”
“She and I... she had a... she liked me. She was just always there. It was just...easier.”
“Easier!?” I said, raising my voice. “A girl died, Josh! Why couldn’t you just say ‘hey, leave me alone,’ or call her names like a normal person!?”
Joshua grimaced once I raised my voice, and the word died slipped out of my mouth. “Shhh!”
I realized that I was getting upset but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of silencing me. “Don’t shush me.”
“I’m sorry, okay.” His voice was just a whisper as my scowl burned through him. “Look, it wasn’t like I woke up that day planning to let someone die. I didn’t even want that to happen. I never even considered it. It just sort of happened.”
Suddenly every angry thought I’ve had for the past year is gathering in my mouth, scratching at the back of my teeth. “What did you even say to her family? Wasn’t her brother your friend?”
He laid back down. His fingers interlocked on his chest as he stared into the ceiling. “I haven’t said anything to them. No one has asked either.”
My head fell into the pillow, and I rolled onto my back. I was sick of looking at him and so angry at him. I could have gone the rest of the night not talking about it.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked, breaking the tension in the room.
“What?” I answered, as cold as I could muster.
His head turned and I could feel his eyes staring at me. “If you’re so angry at me still, why haven’t you told anyone?”
I rolled over, turning my back to him. “Family first. I don’t know. Whatever.”
“Well...” he began, “you’re just as much a part of this now as me. If I go down, you do too.”
I didn’t respond anymore. I remember steaming quietly after he said that, as if I wasn’t already aware of the consequences. I was all the way done with him at that moment and just wanted to go to sleep and get that trip over with.
Fuck him, I thought. Whatever was in the room with me that night could have me. Just get it over with. I was so angry, sad, burdened with guilt.
He was right.
I stood there, watching him do nothing and I very well should have screamed for help at the very least.
But I froze as well.
The guilt grows heavier each day though. My heart breaks for her family. My heart breaks for losing my cousin. He might as well have died to me that night. We never spoke again afterwards.
♪♪♪
The next morning, things went back to how they were the day we arrived. Awkward silence and deliberate attempts to avoid one another. I’m sure the family could feel it, but in hindsight, they probably just chalked it up to moody teenagers being moody teenagers.
That evening, Joshua went back to sleeping in his bedroom on the second floor, and I chose to sleep in the family room on the couch downstairs. I had no interest in sleeping in the third-floor rec-space where we had so many good memories—that is, before the bizarre things that I experienced last night. I was falling asleep, maybe around midnight, watching reruns of Married with Children with Ed O’Neill’s voice as the soundtrack to my deeper thoughts. Al Bundy was hurling faint and muffled insults at women in his shoe store right before I was woken up suddenly by screaming and yelling from upstairs.
I sprang quickly to my feet, ripped from that sweet spot where you’re almost asleep. I remember standing in the living room in my pajamas as the television was just loud, scrambled static. I could hear the commotion upstairs over the TV static.
It was Joshua.
He burst out of his bedroom screaming and crying. Our parents came racing out to the hallway at once while I stood at the bottom of the steps, confused and tired.
“She tried to kill me! She tried to kill me!” he kept repeating.
“Who did, Josh?” Uncle Pete asked him. “Who tried to kill you?”
Aunt Becky stood there with her hands over her mouth. My dad, looking at Joshua, who sat on the floor, panicked.
“Oh my God! Pete,” my dad said, “look.”
I had come up the steps to see what was happening. I could see Joshua’s back and everyone staring at it as he sat on the floor, shirtless and shaking with his back covered in scratches. Fingernails had dug into his back and ripped through his skin like claws. Evidence of violence that was sure to leave scars.
As I got a closer look at his bloodied back, trying to figure out whatever the hell was happening. That’s when I saw it dug into his back.
The single word that seemed innocuous to everyone in the room but me.
JERK.
I’m not even sure Joshua knew it was there. He was so spooked by what happened. As soon as I saw it though, I knew.
Amber.
“Josh, what the hell happened?” Aunt Becky asked.
“I woke up with her,” Joshua tried to explain through sobs and broken speech. “She was sitting on my chest. She–”
“Who, son?” Uncle Pete asked.
Everyone was then concerned and a little frightened. Aunt Becky looked at me as if I did it. “Bethany?”
“No, no, no, the girl. She was... It was someone else in here!” Joshua stammered.
“What girl?” Aunt Becky asked, only now more confused.
My dad went into Joshua’s room for a minute and came back out. “There is no one in there.”
As I stood there speechless, and as my dad came out of Joshua’s room, I caught a glance at his window from the hallway. Just like the night before, it was there again. Drawn on the windowpane in the condensation. That same angry face. Drawn like a child would.
♪♪♪
That was the last night I saw my cousin, or stepped foot in that house again. I can’t explain how I know, but I could feel it in my gut that night that maybe, somehow, Amber was behind what happened.
That night, Joshua was taken to the hospital and treated. I heard bits and pieces of the story from my parents afterward.
The next morning, I was able to convince my parents to go home without much of a fight. I was glad to be leaving. We spent Christmas at our house, just the three of us, for the first time in my life that I could remember.
I had never been more scared in my life than I was when I spent that Christmas with Joshua.
Look at me. I’ve got goosebumps now just thinking about that night.
The long ride home was a welcome reprieve from the looming torment that plagued me in that house. Joshua, the guilt, the empty silent space between us, the fear that bubbled until it manifested into something we cannot explain. I always feel like I am making it up, so I haven’t spoken about this in years. And I’ve never told anyone about Amber. Ever.
Over the years I focused on school and have mostly been able to feel normal. I guess a part of me has repressed that memory. But I can’t shake the good memories of Joshua. And when I think of the good, I am reminded and saddened by the bad, my mind teetering between nostalgia and hurt.
♪♪♪
When I was graduating high school, my cousin was already in and out of rehab and AA meetings. Not long after that, he had become a regular at mental health treatment programs and had been on lockdown numerous times.
Every time I heard about him; the stories seemed crazier than the last. My heart broke a little more with each update on his life, and I wished like hell things could be different.
Joshua was found dead in his apartment not too long ago.
Overdose.
He had reached out to me many times, and I ignored him. I set a boundary. Now I’m the one plagued by guilt, I guess. It’s kind of like I watched him drown.
Recently I was downsizing when I came across a box of sentimental items. Things from my parents, friends, and exes. As I reminisced my way through it all, I saw it.
The fuchsia mitten.
During a moment of needing to make room in my life, and symbolically in my heart and mind, I threw it in the trash. I joined the choir in a pathetic attempt to do something new.
Do something brave.
Take back who I am as a person.
But here it is again. I guess you can’t escape the guilt. Not without owning up to it first.
