Lia didn’t know what to do. It was nearly a week after Dani had come and gone and she couldn’t seem to quiet her mind. It kept replaying the conversation in the condo overlooking the water. Dani essentially offered her the option to be kept, and lavishly kept at that. Days later, she couldn’t wrap her head around it.
Clearly, something in their decade-long relationship had given Dani the idea that she would consider such a proposition. The more Lia thought about it, the less she liked the possible reasons. As much as she valued her work and took it seriously, it was never a major factor in their household budget. Dani covered the mortgage and many of the bills, the fancy restaurants and the vacations. Lia never objected because they weren’t things that she chose, or even necessarily wanted.
But still. She didn’t object to them and often enjoyed them. She paid for her own car, the groceries because she did the shopping and cooking, and her own clothes, except for the designer label things Dani gave her as gifts. It seemed so paltry now. It was like she’d been kept all along. The idea was repugnant.
All that combined with Alex asking her to move in with her. She knew it wasn’t fair, but she couldn’t manage to separate the two. A little voice in the back of her mind taunted her that she’d merely go from being dependent on one woman to being dependent on another. In the moments she was able to quiet that voice, to see that Alex and Dani were nothing alike, she was overcome with other doubts. The most insidious was that Alex pitied her, offering her a place to stay because she had nowhere else to go. It was followed closely by the fear that Alex would tire of her, as Dani had. If that happened, she’d be worse off than she was now.
She tried meditating, she talked to Sally, she made lists. It was useless. She couldn’t shake the churning in her stomach and the feeling that she was on the verge of making a terrible mistake. It didn’t help matters that she was running out of time. She had to vacate her apartment in five days.
On a Tuesday morning, she arrived home from spending another tense and restless night at Alex’s and began packing. In four hours, she filled the same boxes and suitcases she’d unpacked nearly six months before. She arranged them in her car before cleaning out the refrigerator and pantry, making sure everything was left as she’d found it. She took down the two photographs from the wall, her first purchases in Provincetown that she’d come to think of as a symbol of her independence.
When she was done, Lia checked her watch. It was quarter to three. She’d be able to catch Alex just as the café was closing. There was no point in putting off the inevitable.
On the short walk, she thought about the fact that it would be the last time she did so. Even if things somehow managed to work out, she would never again call the little apartment on Vine home. She’d come to escape and had found so much more than she bargained for. Feeling her resolve start to weaken, Lia dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands. When she arrived at the café, she would do her best to explain and hopefully Alex would understand.
*
Alex flipped the sign to “Closed.” Five days ago, she’d been doing the exact same thing when a tall, beautiful woman walked in the door and changed everything. Five days since Lia had been herself.
As far as she was concerned, Lia’s ex showing up and offering to buy her a condo was almost laughable. Yet, Lia remained edgy and quiet. She didn’t talk about Dani, nor did she bring up Alex’s proposal that they move in together. She offered half-smiles and repeatedly had to be pulled back into conversations.
With each passing day, Alex became increasingly worried that Lia had more unresolved feelings for her ex than she admitted, maybe even to herself. Alex wanted to press the issue, but feared she might inadvertently pick a fight. One minute she was angry with Lia for throwing a wrench into what had been the best and easiest relationship she’d ever had. The next, she wanted to kick herself for letting down her defenses, for caring so much in the first place.
Lia hadn’t even come in that day, which made her surly and a little paranoid. She contemplated showing up on Lia’s doorstep and refusing to leave until Lia put her out of her misery one way or the other. Of course, that could open the floodgate on a whole different kind of misery. She tried not to think of that as an option.
When Lia showed up, looking pale and tired, Alex knew something was wrong. Barely pausing to take a breath, Lia launched into a speech about needing to get away, take some time, sort out her feelings. When she was done, Alex gaped at her. “You’re leaving? Leaving leaving? I don’t understand.”
“I need to think, and I can’t seem to do it here. I need to go somewhere neutral for a little while and figure everything out.”
“But you’ve cleaned out your apartment. You’re taking everything with you.”
“I have to move out in a few days anyway. It’s purely logistical.”
Even if what she said made sense, the only message getting through to Alex’s brain was that Lia was leaving. A little voice in her head added that it was for good. “You’re running away.”
“It’s not running. I’m clearing my head.”
It was a feeble excuse, and Lia had to know how unconvincing she sounded. Maybe she didn’t care. The anger and frustration of the last few days were replaced by terror. Alex contemplated begging, as well as stealing Lia’s keys. It was a level of desperation she had never felt. Before she could stop herself, the ugliness of it came tumbling out.
“I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not even asking you to buy a house with me. You’re about to become homeless. I love you and I want you to stick around. Is that really so shocking? Or so difficult?” Alex regretted the words the moment she said them. Lia looked like she’d been slapped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
“I just can’t. I’m not ready. I need to think. I need to sort everything out.”
Hearing the same phrase did nothing to make it sound any better. Panic licked at her and it took all of her self-control to keep her voice calm. “Are you going back to New York?”
Lia squared her shoulders. “No.”
She wasn’t convinced. “Where then? Where are you going to go?”
“Louisiana.”
To Alex, it felt a world away. As wretched as it was, as much as she wanted to do something about it, she knew in her gut that it was beyond her control. “I wish you’d reconsider.”
“I know. I wish it was different, too. I have to do this.”
“Do you have to leave right now?”
“If I don’t, I’m afraid I might not ever.”
“Would that really be so bad?” As hard as she tried, Alex couldn’t keep the hitch out of her voice.
Lia offered a sad smile. “I’ll be in touch, I promise.”
She hurried out without looking back. Alex went through her cleaning routine in a fog. Over and over, she wondered if she’d somehow imagined the whole thing, that it was some sort of bad dream and Lia would be waiting for her at her usual table, or upstairs on the sofa. Reality was always there, however, like a crushing weight on her lungs. Lia wasn’t waiting for her; she was gone.
She made her way upstairs and found Murphy with his tail wagging, blissfully ignorant of the fact that his second favorite human wasn’t coming over later, or tomorrow, or the day after that. She changed her clothes and picked up his leash. They headed straight for the beach and she spent the next hour trying to run off the hurt and anger churning through her.
Rather than clearing her mind, she only managed to spin scenarios that became more and more lurid. When she finally sat down on the warm sand, Alex was convinced that Lia had decided to return to Dani, that she was trying to escape without having a big fight. The logical part of her knew that was unlikely, but it didn’t keep her brain from generating images of Lia in Dani’s arms, or worse.