How your background and experiences influence your parenting more than you know.
Have you ever said, “I’m never going to say to my kids what my parents said to me”? But then you not only say those things but use the exact same words, only louder, with your own kids?
Welcome to the club. What goes around in your childhood usually comes around in your parenting unless you realize why you’re doing and saying what you are and intentionally make changes. But why should you care about changing yourself when you bought this book because you’re concerned about your child’s behavior? Because any change in their behavior starts with a change in yours. As a wise coach I know once said, “They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”
So in this chapter, we’ll take a quick look back at your growing-up years. Everything that happened to you in your childhood is influencing your parenting now. That includes the parents you grew up with and how they treated you, the life mantra you created as a result of your experiences, and the way you interact with your kids.
Like Father, Like Son
I had a good laugh the other day as I was walking down a crowded city street. A father and his young son were waiting on the opposite side of a crosswalk at a red light. The father, Bluetooth device in one ear, was talking to an unknown person and gesturing with his hands. The son, smartphone in hand, eyed his father, yanked one of his earbuds out, and started gesturing too.
When the light turned green for the crosswalk, I met them in the middle of the street as the father said to his phone contact, “That’s all for today.” The young son looked up at his dad and then said seriously into his phone, “And that’s all for today.”
What was that young son doing? Mimicking his hero’s actions.
All of us looked up to someone when we were kids. For me, it was my saintly mom who patiently endured all my antics, followed by my dad, my big brother, my big sister, and the local firemen who got to honk that really loud horn and run into buildings and save people like Superman.
When you were a kid, who did you look up to? Your mom? Your dad? An older sibling because your parents were MIA? Who was the one you wanted to be like when you grew up?
What was that person like? Encouraging? Fun loving? Confident? Easy to talk to? Respected by everybody? A bit bossy, but you could count on them to get the job done?
That person is the one who helped form your personality and life mantra the most. Following are four life mottos and the pros and cons of each. Which one sounds most like the hero you had as a child?
Let’s Do It the Fun Way
Their life mantra: I only count when I’m in the limelight—noticed, appreciated, and adored.
Pros
The best description for Fun Ways is the fun that’s in their name. They’re spontaneous, the kind who jump into the water before researching how deep the pond is first. They put anything social, like arranging an extended-family barbecue, over unimportant things like cleaning out the garage or paying the electric bill. They don’t bug you about studying for your upcoming AP science test because, frankly, they don’t keep track of details and don’t even remember you have the test. They’re too busy thinking about their upcoming birthday party or the new iPad model they saw.
Fun Ways want to be noticed and appreciated for who they are and what they do. It’s even better if you say things like, “Wow, you’re the best parent ever,” or “Nobody can make better kolacky than you. You could set up your own bakery.”
Fun Ways laugh and smile a lot, can talk about anything to anyone, tell lively stories, and enjoy interacting with people in general. They’re charming and have large social networks.
They also say things like, “Oh, you got an F on the test? Don’t worry. You’ll get an A next time.” They’re naively optimistic.
Cons
Fun Ways get discouraged easily when they’re not in the limelight and can get resentful if you don’t appreciate them. They’re also disorganized, like the mom who forgot to pick up her second-grader at school because she was having too much fun socializing with a new friend she made at the grocery store.
Since they don’t like to worry about things, they often let others do their work. Remember when your mom said she’d help you with that Kool-Aid stand when you were a kid, but she started chatting with another mom, walked off, and left you to do it all yourself?
Fun Ways always have their eye on the next fun prize, so they get bored easily and tend to jump from thing to thing. Remember the four home businesses your dad started when you were a kid? He was so happy for a few months, but then the hard work hit and he got discouraged fast. When anyone questioned his motives or criticized his actions, he deflated like a balloon with a pin stuck in him. “Why are you picking on me?” was his standard line, and then he’d leave to seek out someone he could have fun with.
When each of those businesses failed, he came up with lame excuses like, “Well, your mother didn’t support me enough,” or “I trusted Ted to make sure the finances were working, but he didn’t handle that well.”
His too-quick investments created a kink in the family income for years. You couldn’t join the traveling soccer league you had your eye on, and your mom ended up working two part-time jobs to help make ends meet.
What You Learned from Your Fun Way Parent
If you had a positive growing-up experience with such a parent—where all was happiness, light, and laughter, and your family had plenty of money to weather the “If I see it and like it, I’ll buy it” patterns of a Fun Way—then lucky for you. But be aware that most of the planet won’t be able to relate to you. For the majority of people, life isn’t a fairy-tale experience from start to finish.
If your Fun Way parent was your hero because he was always fun, someday you’ll learn the hard way that being popular and adored and having fun aren’t the only things or the most important things in life. And if you expect to have those kinds of experiences all the time, like you did as a child, well, you’re going to be vastly disappointed with life in the real world.
It’s more likely that you were on the receiving end of some trauma because of a Fun Way’s disorganization, lack of follow-through on projects, and inability to budget money or their time. Perhaps your dad floated from job to job, which meant your family moved a lot. Or your mom embarrassed you by trying to act like your friend in public or by dressing goofy in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend.
As a result, you’re going to be extra hard on your own child if she’s disorganized, loses her pocket money, doesn’t seem to take life seriously, and seems to major on socializing with others over studying. No way do you want her to turn out like a Fun Way.
Let’s Do It My Way
Their life mantra: I only count when I’m in charge and others immediately follow my orders.
Pros
My Ways are impressive leaders. They’re doers and hard workers who spend a lot of time doing their jobs. They have drive and energy and tend to do things themselves since they know they can do them better. They’re at the head of the family pack for good reason—their confident, “big” presence. When they walk in the door at home, everybody pays attention.
When a My Way decides on a certain direction, he is never swayed to change his mind. You could predict what the My Way in your family would do. He was as firm as steel, commanding respect wherever he went, whether that was at work, at home, or in the community. Nobody messed with you because they didn’t dare mess with him, since they knew they’d end up with the short end of the stick. He was in control of everything that happened in your family.
Cons
Because he was so self-confident, he made fast judgments. Once he’d decided, he wouldn’t entertain new or different ideas. He said what he thought needed to be said, no matter if it hurt your feelings. Yes, usually he was right, but sometimes you wanted him to hear you out before he made up his mind or the parental hammer came down on you for doing something stupid.
He also didn’t have a sympathetic bone in his body. He certainly never coddled you and rarely hugged you. You can’t remember a single time in your entire growing-up years where he said, “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.”
What You Learned from Your My Way Parent
On the good side, you never had to wonder what the road map at home was, because all the rules were set out in clear black-and-white. Mess with those rules and you were in trouble. The phrase “grounded for life” wouldn’t be able to describe the rest of your existence at home. But adhere to the rules, be a good girl or boy, and you’d get along fine with the My Way. No, you wouldn’t get a lot of hugs or affirmation, but every once in a while he’d give you a nod and a “good job.”
On the flip side, you learned that if you had a problem, you better never reveal it. If you did, he’d swoop in and exact an almighty judgment that usually wasn’t in your best interest or could mean social death for you as a teenager. So if you had a problem, you fixed it yourself . . . hopefully before he found out. You also learned that if he asked you to do something, you better stop everything and do it now, or you would pay.
He was a perfectionist, and you felt like you could never measure up to his standards. When you got a B in earth science, you got a stern lecture because you weren’t working hard enough, even though you had As in everything else.
That critical-eyed parent of yours set you up to be your own worst enemy. No one has to put you down because you put yourself down: “I’m such a loser. I should have done a better job.” You procrastinate starting a project because you know you’ll never do a good enough job. Often you don’t finish a project because it’s better to be a slacker than a failure and a loser. You doubt yourself. Am I good enough? Can I really do that, and do it the way it should be done? Should I even try?
If you ever embarrassed your family in any way, you were in big trouble because it made your My Way dad look like a bad father. He never let you live it down. You were under his eagle eye from that point forward and labeled as a rebellious troublemaker, until your brother or sister did something to direct his eagle eye onto them. Nobody in your family dared question his pronouncements or his authority.
If you’re a woman who grew up under a My Way dad and got married, chances are that you married somebody like good ol’ Dad because you learned how to please someone like him and got comfortable with him calling the shots in your life. So when you started dating, you naturally found someone like him.
Now maybe you even have a My Way twofer to deal with: husband and firstborn son who act like your dad. If so, I wouldn’t blame you for dreaming of a wee bit of revenge against dear old Dad and aiming it in the direction of your husband and son. You could never do anything well enough for your dad, and now you have two people critiquing you. All those things that your dad hated, like you questioning his judgment, dragging your feet in getting things done, dropping the ball on details, and hiding things from him, come in handy for driving the two other guys in your life bonkers.
If you’re a man who grew up under a My Way dad, you’re probably the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree. All those things your dad did to you? You’ll do them to your kids, only magnified. You’ll be the ultimate family controller. You’ll make snap judgments, be impatience personified, run the family show, and not tolerate any questions from your kids. After all, you’re the father, and they should do what you say, without any question, because you know what’s best.
Problem is, because you’re so dedicated to work, you don’t really see your kids growing and changing or give them credit for what they’re learning on their own. And without making intentional changes in your parenting, day by day you’ll become the distant, unapproachable dad who mirrors your own father.
Let’s Do It the Right Way
Their life mantra: I only count when I can meet my own high standards by doing things right.
Pros
Right Ways are organized, analytical, and good planners. They’re thoughtful and sensitive of others’ feelings. They live by high standards and ideals. They’re idealistic and faithful to their families, having the best interests of the group in mind.
This person was a class act. So put together, in fact, that she was downright intimidating. Even on a Saturday morning, she’d be up, showered, and dressed in impeccably neat attire before the rest of you could even manage to extract yourself from bed. She loved to sit and drink coffee in a nook in your family room before the rest of the family was up. Quiet spaces were important to her. You never had to worry that she’d go off half-cocked and yell at you. If you had a new idea, she was the one you chose to discuss it with.
When your father suddenly decided he wanted to move the whole family to North Carolina to form a company with a friend from college, she retreated for a day instead of telling him how crazy that idea was (though you kids vehemently did and got nowhere). When she did come up for air, she had a whole list of pros and cons regarding the move, many of which he’d never thought about.
Also, she was the one who broadened your horizons, the cultured one who made sure you attended a symphony concert and visited art galleries—something you’d once said you were interested in, even though you were on a sports team at the time. Outwardly you might have grumbled, but secretly you were glad for an excuse to give your teammates: “My mom is making me go.”
Cons
She expected you to be as detailed, classy, and perfectionistic as she was, and none of those are your fortes. You felt like she was so perfect, you couldn’t stack up to her.
Because she’s such a long-range thinker, she was already discussing your future with you when you were a freshman in high school. When all you could think about was whether or not you could survive in the jungle of your first week of high school, discussing long-range plans like your choice of colleges and majors was stressful.
Sometimes you missed opportunities because it took her too long to think through them. Or, if she had a family dinner planned and you had an opportunity to do something unusual, like get free tickets to an event you could never afford, she’d say no. Sometimes you got tired of being on a schedule, even on the weekends. If you complained, you got the imperious brow lift and a mini lecture about how important it was to be disciplined.
There were also times you wished that she’d stand up for herself a little more when your dad had cockamamie ideas, but she was too respectful to speak up. Instead, you saw her retreat physically and get moody and negative. When she didn’t like something, rather than argue, she’d give you the ice treatment and go away somewhere to be alone.
You had no clue she was insecure until she tried to get a part-time job but wasn’t chosen. Then she hardly got out of bed for the next week.
Also, her friends were . . . well, boring. All they did was sit around and talk about ideas that didn’t make any sense when you wanted them to play catch with you.
What You Learned from Your Right Way Parent
If you had to pick a great parent of the year, you’d pick this one and want to be like her—at least when she’s at her best. She listened to you, was respectful of your ideas and time, kept things organized around the house so you could find your clothes and homework, and had your back. “Loyal” was her middle name.
When the neighbor accused you of squashing his hydrangeas, your mom brought him banana bread and said sweetly, “Your hydrangeas were lovely. I hate that they got squashed. But I did a bit of research. My son was at soccer practice from three to five o’clock when they got smashed. I did see a man walking a Great Dane in our neighborhood around that time. From the marks on your bushes, it’s highly likely that dog is the culprit.”
With those few details, your name was cleared, and there was peace between your house and the neighbor’s again.
Now, if your dad had confronted the neighbor, it would have been like World War III on the block. In contrast, your mom never embarrassed you in public. Nor did she invade your room like your sister did, because she was big on privacy herself.
Because of those qualities you admired about her, you also respect your kids’ privacy, even when they don’t want to talk. You have their back and help them organize their homework and activities. You try to introduce ethnic foods and information about other cultures and news from around the world, even if doing so gets a few groans of “Not again . . .”
But you also expect your kids to meet the same high standards your mom expected you to meet. If they don’t get all As, you push them to do better. If they aren’t as organized or detail oriented as you, you give them friendly “suggestions.”
If you sense they aren’t telling you the truth about an event, you’re suspicious and check out the facts behind the scenes. When they catch you at it, the inevitable “You don’t trust me” is flung your way. Because you don’t deal well with confrontation, you tend to exit as soon as your kids are upset, so the matter doesn’t get fully resolved.
You’re hardest on your youngest child, who seems to charm and entertain others with his clown-like qualities but annoys you to your core. You tend to hate groups, which is something he thrives on, so you don’t understand his bent to put social activities first. When he bypasses time with you to spend time with friends, you resent that and tend to hold a grudge against him.
You’re more comfortable with your predictable oldest child, who is more of a loner like you and has high standards himself. But since you’re a perfectionist who is specific about what you want and how you want it, you always find room for improvement even in that child. Your critical eye causes a great deal of friction between you. You can’t stand when things aren’t done correctly—the right way and in the right order. But neither can your firstborn, so sometimes the two of you are like rubbing sandpaper with the resulting sparks.
Let’s Do It the Easy Way
Their life mantra: I only count when everybody likes me and I can keep the peace.
Pros
This parent was a great companion, ever present when you wanted to talk. When you got home late from an event, he was sitting in the living room waiting for you. He was patient, loyal, and balanced in his assessments, willing to hear your side of the story. He was also tolerant of your antics, with a shrug and the words “I guess every kid tries that sometime.”
If you could use one word to describe an Easy Way, it would be peacemaker. He never got upset with anyone. Everyone liked him because he was helpful and could adapt to any situation. He was an incredible listener, so even the crotchety grandpa in the apartment next door loved him.
When tough things happened, he would nod and say, “That’s to be expected. Things can’t always be easy. Everybody has some rough times in life. We’ll get through it.”
When you wanted someone to stick by your side in getting a boring project done, like painting the house during spring break, the Easy Way was your ready partner. He didn’t quit until it was done and didn’t seem to mind the more-than-average breaks you took.
Cons
“Bland” was his middle name. As you overheard your grandma say once, “Well, he’ll never set the world on fire.” That’s an understatement. An Easy Way is never quick acting and impulsive. He wants everyone to like him, so he works hard to keep the peace and sidestep conflict, even if that means he gets the bad end of the stick.
Like the time he took the blame for something a coworker did and got demoted at work. That was annoying enough because you hated that he couldn’t stand up for himself. But when he backed off from what was truly important to you because he didn’t want to make waves, that hurt deeply. You started to see him as someone who couldn’t make a decision one way or another because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone. That often left the people he loved in no-man’s-land, stuck in the middle between two options. Just once you wanted to see him fight for something he cared about instead of agreeing with what others wanted.
As you became a teenager, he was popular with your friends since he was amiable and kind. He helped them with anything, even if that meant he didn’t get done what he’d promised you. Because he switched gears to please people on the spot, his actions seemed aimless. And since he took the time to listen to people rather than finish a project, he often appeared lazy.
What You Learned from Your Easy Way Parent
When you wanted someone to hear what you were thinking and back you up in presenting an event to your other parent, who wouldn’t welcome it, your Easy Way parent was the one you went to. He was so pliable that you often played him against your mom, to be truthful. You could also get him to do your projects if you didn’t want to do them.
But his lack of energy and his inability to make decisions because he was afraid of disappointing people really grated on you. You wanted to yell, “Would you tell me what you honestly think instead of dancing around the subject?” Or, “Why can’t you stand up for yourself?”
Also, his indecisiveness and his ability to change with whatever wind was blowing in the house ended up putting you in a tough situation more than once. Yes, he had your back . . . but only if your mom wasn’t upset about it. If she was, your dad would placate her as much as he could, then rest in his easy chair until the temperature in the house had cooled to normal.
With your own kids, you try to mirror your Easy Way parent’s best qualities: being patient, tolerant, and understanding of your kids’ misbehavior. Remembering the times that your dad didn’t have your back, though, can make you fiercely protective of your kids to outsiders, even if your kids are in the wrong.
You are toughest on the kid who seems to go with the flow the most. Because you wish you’d known what your Easy Way parent thought, you prod your child with pointed questions, such as:
Those questions are a retro stab at the Easy Way parent you had. To your kid, though, they’ll seem like stabs out of the blue, and he’ll wonder, What’s wrong with Dad?
It’s Your Turn
Take a few minutes to think about your parent(s) or the guardian you grew up with (perhaps an older brother or aunt). Though people can often be a mixture of types, which type was that person most like?
Can you see how the pros and cons of those types affected who you’ve become as a parent? And how those types resulted in the life mantra you formed of “I only count when . . .”?
So which one below sounds most like you?
Fun Way: I only count when . . .
My Way: I only count when . . .
Right Way: I only count when . . .
Easy Way: I only count when . . .
Got your answer?
If your life mantra is “I only count when people like me and think I’m wonderful” (Fun Way), how are you going to deal with your kids’ misbehavior? You’ll probably avoid the situation by not dealing with it. You’ll exit the premises and go out for an evening with the friends who think you’re wonderful. Those kids may get off scot-free momentarily, but their unchecked behavior will grow worse until you are forced to deal with it . . . perhaps by someone outside your family who isn’t enamored with your “fun” ways.
If your life mantra is “I only count when I’m top dog and others respect me” (My Way), how will you deal with your kids’ misbehavior? You’ll come down like an almighty hammer to judge your kids before they can open their mouths to explain any behavior. You might get immediate outward obedience because those kids view you as top dog. But trust me, resentment is simmering under the surface. The next time they misbehave, they’ll be sneakier about it so they don’t get caught.
If your life mantra is “I only count when projects meet my high standards because they get done correctly” (Right Way), then you’re really in trouble. This time those “projects” are your kids, and it will be impossible for them to meet your high standards and do life correctly even on their best days. Kids aren’t projects; they’re people, and they have their own minds. Just because you think they should act a certain way doesn’t mean voilà—they will do that. Your natural disposition to become discouraged and resentful won’t help resolve the misbehavior. It will only further alienate you from your kids.
If your life mantra is “I only count when everybody likes me, gets along, and is happy” (Easy Way), oh boy, are you in trouble. Sure, you can try to hide your misbehaving kid’s antics from your partner by trying to fix things on the side, but that won’t last long. By rescuing your child from the consequences of his behavior, you’re hurting him long-term. That same kid who put dish detergent in the fish bowl in first grade becomes the sixth-grade researcher who mixes a mini bomb to put in the teacher’s trash can. If you don’t pay attention to that kid now instead of trying to keep the peace, a situation will come along that will force you to address it.
So, let me ask you: When do you count?
As you consider your own life mantra, formed as a result of your interactions with your parent(s) and growing-up experiences, what have you learned about how you view and react to your child’s misbehavior? For your child’s behavior to change, you have to be aware of and adjust your “I only count when” perspective.
Remember, “They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.” But when they know, the progress you can make will amaze you.
As Dr. Seuss said, “Oh, the places you’ll go” . . . together.