How you unwittingly pave the way for your child to misbehave.
It was 10:05 p.m., and I was winding down from a long day when my eighth-grade son, Kevin II, approached me with a handful of papers.
“Dad, would you help me with these spelling words?” he asked.
“No,” I said, reaching for the TV remote control.
“Dad! I have a big test tomorrow,” he added, brandishing the papers in my direction.
“The answer is no,” I restated in an even tone.
“If I flunk that test, it’s gonna be your fault,” my son said.
“Think for a minute about what you’re saying,” I replied. “But still, I’m not helping.” Back I went to my channel surfing.
He stomped off to his room and slammed the door. I heard a few items being kicked across the floor. It was quite a dramatic show, rivaling anything on TV at the moment.
Right now some of you reading this are shocked. What a terrible dad, you’re thinking. Is a TV brain rinse more important than your kid? You should have helped him to do well, especially since he asked. What’s wrong with you?
Here’s what’s wrong. On that night when he should have been studying for the spelling test and should have asked for my help earlier if he needed it, my son, who loves magic, watched the David Copperfield special on television from 8:00 to 10:00.
Context sure helps when faced with your kid’s misbehavior, doesn’t it?
When Kevin II continued to stomp around and make a big fuss in his room, my blood pressure started to rise, and I had thoughts of retribution. I’m only human.
So I did the smart thing. I waited a bit until I was in control of my emotions and he’d also cooled down. Then I knocked on his door. “May I come in?”
“Sure,” my son said in a suddenly happy tone.
I knew what that meant. He thought I’d changed my mind.
I entered and sat on his bed. “Hey, Kevin, from eight to ten this evening you were watching TV. Then you come to me at five minutes after ten, past what you know is my bedtime, with this hard-luck story. It seems to me that if you really cared about your spelling words, you would have been on them earlier.”
He made a last desperate try. “Well, you gonna help me?”
I shook my head. “I already made that clear. But I do want to be the first to wish you good luck on the test.”
Then I exited the bedroom.
The next morning Kevin II was up very early in the kitchen studying spelling on his own.
Now, you tell me: Would he have been studying on his own if I had rescued him the night before? If I would have said, “Poor boy, I know spelling is hard for you. How can I help?”
Nope.
Instead, would we have replayed this scene many more times, with him doing what he wanted to do first (watching a TV show) before he carried out his responsibility (taking care of his schoolwork)?
Yep. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
Or how about if I’d said, “You know better than to bother me now with your work. It’s your work, so get going. I work hard for this family, and I’m already done for the day. You should have done it earlier”?
All that rebuttal would have done was fuel the fire already burning in my son.
After that experience, my son paid a lot more attention to his homework earlier in the evening. He knew Dad wouldn’t back down. He did try to hit on Mom’s sympathy a time or two. Then again, Sande is married to a psychologist, so she didn’t let him get away with it either.
Did my refusal to help damage his “psyche,” as some of you worry about? Far from it. Today Kevin II is known across his industry as a very responsible hard worker who finds creative ways to not only get the job done but get it done well. Funny thing is, he’s now the executive producer and head writer of two of the most watched television programs today. All those shows he loved to watch were good background preparation. Who would have known?
How You Create the Situation
At the end of chapter two, I made this statement: “Every child comes out of the womb craving attention. The question is, is he or she going to get it—from you?” Now I’d like to add these words: “Is he or she going to get it positively or negatively?”
If your kids can’t get your attention through positive behavior, they’ll proceed to get it with misbehavior, which they’ll continue until you have to pay attention. That’s why you, parent, have unwittingly paved the way for your child’s misbehavior. You’ve done a great job, too, from the looks of it, so pat yourself on the back.
Here’s one of the cardinal rules of parenting: Don’t start habits with kids that you don’t want to continue through their college years. Kids are creatures of habit. Any learned behavior will be repeated.
Yet take a look at the things we do:
“Look at the airplane. Zoom . . . it’s getting closer. You have to open the hangar for the plane to land.”
“Try it. You’ll like it.”
“Eat it. There are lots of starving kids in Africa who would love to have what you have.”
“Oooh, look at that comfy bed. Which of your animal friends would you like to sleep with you tonight?”
“If you don’t go to bed, the sleep fairies can’t come visit you.”
“I told you to stay in bed, so stay in bed.”
“I don’t care if you’re 15. Your bedtime is 10:00 p.m. Lights out.”
“It’s time to sit on the potty. Just try. I’ll give you a treat if you do.”
“See all those special little cups? They’re magic cups. If you drink them, you’ll have special powers.”
“Oh, look at the poo-poo. Honey, come quick. He went potty all by himself!”
“If you don’t go potty, you can’t go to preschool tomorrow.”
“You’re going to be the only kid in high school wearing diapers. You want that?”
Can you really make a child mind? No, but you can give her impetus to mind.
Can you really make a child eat? No, but he can sit with you at the table with his plate in front of him like the rest of the family. If he doesn’t eat, the refrigerator, pantry, and freezer are closed until the next meal. No sneaking him snacks because you feel bad. He simply misses his meal. His growling stomach will do the trick of reminding him he’s hungry and needs to eat.
Can you really make a child go to sleep? No, but you can insist she go to her room and stay there when it’s bedtime. The natural process of sleep will happen sooner or later.
Can you really make a child go potty or potty train? No, he has to have the urge for that himself. Maybe he sees big brother or big sister go potty. Or he wants to go to preschool like big brother, but you tell him he has to be potty trained first. And does anyone give you special drinks and treats when you go potty? Then why should you do that for your child?
Eating, sleeping, and going potty are all natural things. Yet from the get-go we parents create habits around those things that prompt the beginning of misbehavior. Those misbehaviors grow as your kids have more encounters with you.
Once your kids have your number, you’re done for . . . especially if you don’t know what they’re really thinking and scheming. What’s prompting their misbehavior? Let’s take a look at a few scenarios.
Your nine-year-old wants to be in Little League this summer. You’re all for it, but your husband isn’t. Your kid pitches a fit and refuses to eat dinner.
What your nine-year-old is thinking:
Oh, I get it. Mom and Dad aren’t on the same page here. If I try to get what I want from Dad, he’ll come at me like a fast pitch. But you know, that’s going to be in my favor. I’ll let him do that. In fact, I’ll fuel it a bit by being over the top myself.
I know exactly what Mom will do. She’ll come running in and say, “John, you’re being entirely too rough with Bradley lately.”
They’ll talk, and she’ll pave the way. It won’t be a problem to play Little League.
I got this.
Scenario #2
Your 14-year-old and 16-year-old have a 10:30 bedtime but don’t want to go to bed. They want to watch a movie, so they scheme together.
Kid 1: “Okay, so Mom and Dad go to bed at 11:00. All we need to do is stall a little until they’re too tired to say no.”
Kid 2: “Oh, I got it. I’ll tell Mom I have a big test tomorrow and beg her to let me study a bit more so I can feel more prepared. She can’t say no to that.”
Kid 1: “Great idea. You learned something from me, huh?”
Kid 2 grins. “Yeah. So what are you gonna do?”
Kid 1: “I’ll stall Dad by telling him I’ve been thinking about my future. He loves that stuff. I’ll get him going talking about college. You know how he is. He could talk about his days at Stanford forever. He won’t even know what hit him until his bedtime. When I ask about watching the movie, he’ll do that little hand wave and say, ‘Sure, enjoy yourself.’”
Kid 2: “But what if we can’t stall them long enough?”
Kid 1: “That’s easy. We wake up Jemmie. She’ll throw a fit, and Mom and Dad will come running. They’ll be so distracted, they won’t pay any attention to us.”
Scenario #3
Your 12-year-old hates to do his chores, especially taking out the garbage. He conveniently forgets, stalls for time, or complains about doing it.
What your 12-year-old is thinking:
There it is again. Why do I get all the nasty jobs?
Hmm, how can I get out of it this time? Complaining about it doesn’t get me anywhere. I just get “the look” and then, “Get to it.”
Last time I faked stomach cramps and then had to exit the bathroom and go straight to school. Mom didn’t want me to be late.
This time, let’s see . . . Oh, I know. I’ll help my little brother get dressed for school since he can’t tie his shoes yet. Mom wants me to be nicer to him and bond and stuff.
Yeah, that’ll work.
Scenario #4
Your 16-year-old daughter has had a bad day at school. She got stabbed in the back by her best friend, and then a teacher gave her grief for her handwriting on a test. She wants to take it out on someone, but if she acts up at school, she’ll get a reputation she doesn’t want. She’s got to fight with someone to let off steam, so she takes it out on you the instant she walks in the door.
What your 16-year-old is thinking:
All I have to do when I walk in the door is give Mom an eye roll. That’ll get things started fast. She hates that.
“What’s wrong with you?” she’ll say.
She hates when I say that even more.
“Then keep your ‘nothing’ to yourself and come out when you don’t have an attitude,” she’ll say.
“I had a really crappy day,” I’ll say, “and I don’t need you lecturing me.”
That’ll escalate the fight for sure. And I’ll feel a whole lot better after letting someone have it.
Mom’ll take it. She always does.
This, parent, is what your child is really thinking and how well they can read a situation. They know exactly what to say or do to escalate a situation to get exactly what they want. They also know when not to say or do something to smooth things over before the hammer descends. If you have more than one kid, the enemy will unite for a frontal attack.
How do we usually respond to these kinds of situations? In one of two ways. Let’s take a look at them.
The Two Most Common Types of Parenting
Most of us have learned how to parent by watching our parents. If you were raised in the typical home, you experienced one of two extreme parenting styles. Either you were expected to obey without question because you were the child and he was the parent, or you called the shots and she smoothed your road in life.
Note that I used “he” with the first style and “she” with the second style. I’ll explain why in a minute. First, let’s look at each of the parenting styles.
Parenting style #1: “It’s my way or the highway.”
Do any of these phrases sound familiar?
If one of your parents controlled your home with an iron fist, nine times out of ten it was your father. His expectation was ironclad: “Do what I say, when I say it . . . or else.” The threat was unspoken, but you felt it in every muscle fiber. It was in your best interest to jump to do whatever he expected you to.
This kind of parent is authoritarian. He used reward and punishment to control you. Usually the reward was fairly slim and didn’t happen that often. But the punishment was harsh, swift, and predictable, like clockwork. Do one tiny thing wrong or not fast enough and you’d get hammered. Embarrass him in any way and you would be finished.
Because you were a child and he was older and bigger, he saw himself as better than you. But that’s not true. Parents aren’t better than their children. We’re all equal in almighty God’s eyes. We simply play different roles and have different responsibilities.
Authoritarian parents have a “you better do what I tell you to do, and fast” mind-set. This style worked in the short term, when they could physically control you and make you go to your room. But as soon as you entered your adolescent years, you had your own thoughts about what you wanted to do. All you had to do was fly under the radar of the authoritarian, and you could get away with it. You learned how to be sneaky.
By the time you entered high school, you had inward rebellion down pat.
Or maybe, when you had your own wheels, you threw any caution to the wind. What could he do to you now, when you could get away before he got home and stay overnight at a friend’s? All you had to do was make it through graduation, and then you could move out. Then no one could tell you what to do again. You counted the days, or years, until you’d be free.
Parenting style #2: “I only want you to be happy.”
Do any of these phrases sound familiar?
If these words came out of one of your parents’ mouths, it was likely your mother’s. That’s because there are more women who are pleasers, while more men are controllers. As I said on CBN once, “There are nine pleaser males in the continental United States. However, we’re not releasing their names or addresses!”4
Parents who just want their kids to be happy are permissive. They would sacrifice anything for their children, and they act more like servants than parents. If your mom was like this, you were brought up with what I call the “Disneyland Experience.” You were the center of your family’s universe. Anything you wanted, she tried hard to get for you. Anything you wanted to do, she pulled strings to arrange it. People saw you as a little princess, and you might have acted a bit like it too. Or they called you a mama’s boy behind your back.
Problem is, when you had to start making decisions for yourself, you weren’t quite sure how to do it. The choices in front of you were paralyzing. You didn’t have any experience in making decisions, because your parent did that for you. She didn’t want you to be worried, bothered, or stressed, so she handled any situation that arose. But now you are all of those things because she robbed you of learning experiences. You find it difficult to make choices, or you make not-so-good ones and are shocked by the fallout. After all, Mama rescued you for years, no matter what. But in your adult life, you’ve discovered there are some things even Mama can’t rescue you from.
Though you thought your mom was being nice or was a pushover, the reality is that she was as controlling as your dad—only in the opposite direction.
Why Both Parenting Styles Provoke Misbehavior
Authoritarian and permissive parents may seem poles apart, but they use a similar technique. Both make decisions for their children instead of teaching them how to make wise, informed choices for themselves. One parent does it with a stout club, and the other does it with the stroke of a feather, but the result is the same. Both extremes rob kids of the self-respect gained by making age-appropriate choices and learning from their mistakes.
Authoritarian and permissive parenting styles also provoke misbehavior. Look at it this way. Did you like it when your parents made decisions for you? No. You may have had thoughts like these:
If you didn’t dare show your dad what you really thought, you certainly acted it out in your mind. When you could rebel outwardly and escape his reach, you did.
When your mom made too many decisions for you, you also rebelled by treating her like a slave in her own home. After all, she did your bidding, right? Even behind your father’s back sometimes? Because she smoothed your roads in life, you lost respect for her.
Now, let me ask you something: Which of the two parenting styles do you lean more toward in your own parenting? “My way or the highway” or “I only want you to be happy”?
If both spouses are united on this parenting journey, it’s highly likely that there is one parent of each type in the home. That’s because opposites attract, and controllers are often attracted to “I only want you to be happy” pleasers, and vice versa.
This is especially true if a boy grows up in a home with a pleaser mama, and a girl grows up in a home with a controller father. For the boy, that version of a female is the one he’s most comfortable with and pursues. Ditto for the girl and her father. She may have resentment toward her controller father, but she’ll pursue someone similar to him because she knows how to act with him to get the desired responses. That’s why the cycle continues. For both, it’s like wearing the aged slippers they’re used to and settling into that worn easy chair. Ah . . .
But there’s a better way for you and your kids—a parenting style that can stay consistent even in the face of your child’s hurricane winds. It doesn’t raise your blood pressure. And it works every time.