Why being in healthy authority over your kid is the best way to fly.
One evening after I spoke in a big city, a frazzled-looking mom approached me. “Dr. Leman, I’ve read several of your books, including Making Children Mind without Losing Yours and The Birth Order Book. I really like them, but . . .” She looked down. “They don’t work for me, because I’m a carpool mom.”
I was about to ask, “And what parent isn’t these days?” but she rushed on.
“My 10-year-old has a hard time getting out of bed. When I finally manage to get him up, my older kids are standing at the door, angry because they have to wait for him to get ready. By the time we pick up the other kids in the carpool, all of the kids are late to school. My kids are mad at me and embarrassed. The other kids are upset. And the other moms give me a piece of their minds when their kids tell them what happened.
“This is the third week it’s happened, and I’m worried about getting kicked out of the carpool. I have to work three days a week, so there’s no way I could take the kids to school every day.”
“Getting kicked out of the carpool is the least of your worries,” I said. “The most important is addressing your son’s misbehavior.”
“Misbehavior?” She raised an eyebrow. “He’s just tired in the morning. He’s having a hard time adjusting to the school schedule.”
“He’s ten. He knows the ropes of school by now. Would you ever be willing to leave him home and take the other kids to school?”
“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” she said.
That boy was workin’ his mama because he could. And that permissive mama was allowing him to pull her chain and control the entire household from his bed. So I gave her some advice based on a third parenting style: authoritative parenting.
“Sometimes you need to pull the rug out and let your misbehaving kid tumble if you want things to change,” I said. “In this case, words won’t accomplish a thing. It’s time for action.”
I proposed that she leave the 10-year-old sleeper behind on the next school morning and take the other kids to school on time. That mom was finally desperate enough to do that after the other carpool moms gave her an ultimatum: Get the kids to school on time or be ousted from the carpool.
Later she reported back to me what had happened when she followed my advice.
Here comes the funniest part. When she pulled up to her house after running the other kids to school, guess where that 10-year-old was standing? The one who has never been concerned about time in his entire life? Right at the outside edge of their carport.
When she opened the car door, he flew at her. “Mom, do you know what time it is?”
She looked at her watch. “Yes, it’s about ten after nine.”
“I’m supposed to be at school at 8:30,” he spouted.
“Oh, honey, would you like a ride to school?” she asked sweetly. “I’d be happy to give you a ride.”
Her son, already dressed and wearing his backpack, jumped into the car. Still mad as a hornet, he continued trying to pick a fight with her.
She didn’t say, “I told you that if you weren’t ready, this would happen.” That’s because a parent who is in healthy authority over their kid doesn’t threaten, “If you don’t do this, I’m going to do that.”
Even though he tried to fight with her all the way to school, she kept a happy face. When he exited the car, she even said, “Have a great day,” and smiled.
What happened to him next wasn’t quite so happy. He slammed the door and stomped into his classroom, and within 10 minutes there was an announcement over the loudspeaker.
“Timothy Adams, please report to the office. Timothy Adams . . .”
What do they want with me? he thought, panicked, on the walk to the assistant principal’s office.
There was a long line of people waiting, so he had even longer to worry. At last the assistant principal ushered him into his office.
“Timothy, what time does school start?”
The kid straightened up into soldier posture. “Oh, 8:30, sir.”
“What time were you here?” the assistant drill sergeant asked.
Soldier: “Uh, 9:45.”
Assistant drill sergeant: “What time are you going to be here tomorrow?”
Soldier: “8:30, sir.”
End of problem.
You see, what that boy didn’t know is that I’d also encouraged his mom to do something else to resolve the issue: “After you drop that kid off at his regular door, park and go visit the school office. Talk to them and tell them what you’re trying to achieve. Enlist their support. They’ll be more than happy to oblige. They don’t want a kid who’s late all the time either.”
You see, sometimes you have to work hard to dig out the consequence that will leave an impact on your child’s mind and change his behavior. You’ve already tried multiple parenting strategies, including being authoritarian and permissive, as well as tips you’ve gained online or from other books. You know none of them work.
It’s time to try something that does.
Parenting That Works
For you to be in healthy authority over your child, you need to be the advocate who role-models responsibility and good decision making. Every person is responsible for his or her own choices and actions. When your child fails—and he will—the world doesn’t end for you or for him. Instead, the child walks away from his misbehavior with a life lesson he won’t easily forget.
This kind of parenting style is called authoritative.
An authoritative parent doesn’t command or preach. When his kid makes a mistake, he doesn’t say, “You’re such an idiot. If a bird had your brain, it would fly sideways.” When his kid misbehaves, he doesn’t layer on grounding until she’s a teenager. He knows that he, too, is a fallible human being. We all make mistakes, have bad days, and feel cranky or mean from time to time.
When her child is upset, an authoritative parent doesn’t try to fix what happened. When her child is struggling, she doesn’t pave the way. Instead, she listens, lets her child brainstorm solutions and solve her own problem, and watches from the sidelines.
If you’re an authoritative parent, you look for what I call “teachable moments.” Instead of rescuing your kid from the consequences of his misbehavior, you let reality do the teaching:
Believe me, a child knows when he’s made a mistake. He doesn’t need his nose rubbed in it. He also knows when he’s misbehaving and getting away with it. With all that misbehavior, he’s crying for attention. He wants you to care enough to stop him, but he doesn’t know how to tell you that.
The way you handle things and your attitude have everything to do with whether your child stops that misbehavior or accelerates it. They also have everything to do with whether your child takes all that extra energy he’s dedicated to misbehaving and turns it in a positive-attention direction.
Replay: Different Choices, Different Outcome
Remember those scenarios in the previous chapter? Let’s replay each of them, now that you know what your children are thinking and how they’re working you.
Scenario #1
Your nine-year-old wants to be in Little League this summer. You’re all for it, but your husband isn’t. Your kid pitches a fit and refuses to eat dinner.
WHAT THE AUTHORITARIAN PARENT WOULD DO
“You are not doing it. You’re not good enough for us to spend the money. End of story. We’re done talking here. If you’re not going to eat, you can leave the table. I’ve had enough of this.”
And he walks away, leaving his child frustrated.
WHAT THE PERMISSIVE PARENT WOULD DO
She would trail after the child as he left the table. “Honey, don’t be upset. I think playing baseball is a great idea. I bet you’d be really good at it. Maybe even the best on the team. Let Dad cool down, okay? I’ll go with you tomorrow and get you signed up.”
Making the situation even more damaging, she might add, “And let’s keep this between us. I can use some money that I have set aside, and your practices will be during the day when your dad is at work, so he won’t really know. Once he sees you practicing in the yard and realizes how good you are, we can tell him what you’re doing, and he’ll be okay with it.”
If the permissive parent is hard-core, she’ll plead with her son, “Please come back and eat dinner.” If he refuses and keeps heading for his room, she’ll follow him and whisper, “I’ll bring you something later, when your dad leaves for his meeting.”
WHAT THE AUTHORITATIVE PARENT WOULD DO
You let the kid go to his room after pitching his fit. You and your spouse continue to eat dinner—more quietly now—and discuss next steps. By the time you’ve finished dinner, you have a plan, and you’re unified in it.
You don’t bring your son any dinner. He stays in his room and sulks that night.
The next day he approaches the parent he thinks will be easiest to bend to his wishes. Usually it’s Mom. (Remember what I said about women being the highest percentage of pleasers?) But Mom is wise to his tactics this round. She gives the agreed-upon spiel when he begs again to be in Little League.
“I’m glad you’re interested in a sport like baseball. This summer would be a good one to experiment. There’s a group of boys who get together three times a week in the late afternoon at the nearby park. I can make room in my schedule to drive you there.”
“But I want to play Little League,” he whines. “All my friends are doing it.”
“I understand. But we’re not doing that this summer. You can play baseball with them other times, but not as part of Little League.”
You well know that your son’s interests change like the wind. He’d be tired of Little League after a couple of practices.
Still, your son kicks up the whine fest. “But why, Mom?”
Here’s the teachable moment. “Because the scene you caused at dinner proved to us you’re not mature enough to handle a sport like that on a regular basis.”
Then you exit the room and let your son think about that for a while.
The next time he wants to do something like Little League, or anything else, he’ll think a lot more about his approach. And since he’s seen you two be a united force, he won’t be as fast to play you against each other next time.
Scenario #2
Your 14-year-old and 16-year-old have a 10:30 bedtime but don’t want to go to bed. They want to watch a movie, so they scheme together.
WHAT THE AUTHORITARIAN PARENT WOULD DO
“No. I said no, and I meant no. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself. You get in your bedroom and stay there. And don’t try any tricks either, or you won’t be watching another movie for a year.”
WHAT THE PERMISSIVE PARENT WOULD DO
“Of course you can stay up and watch a movie. It’s good to have time with your siblings. But be in a good mood tomorrow when you see your father, or he’ll blame it on staying up too late.”
If the permissive parent is over the top, she’ll add, “What movie do you guys want to watch? I’ve been thinking about getting a membership to Netflix. I guess tonight’s a good night to start. I can even run to the store to get some snacks.”
Problem is, it’s a school night, and such enabling behavior won’t help those kids pay attention in school tomorrow. Nor will it help them learn a lesson called patience. Good things come to those who wait.
WHAT THE AUTHORITATIVE PARENT WOULD DO
Since teaching responsibility is a critical part of good parenting, you have a couple of choices for how you could proceed.
Choice #1: “I understand you want to watch a video tonight, but it’s a school night. Friday or Saturday is a much better option. I’ll even throw in some homemade popcorn then. Now, though, it’s time to retire to your rooms. Whether you choose to go to sleep or not is your business. But we all need this private time.”
Choice #2: Let the older two play out their scheme, and play dumb so they leave the innocent younger one out of it. Retire to your room at your usual time and let them sneak out and watch the movie in your living room.
The next morning, secretly smile at the dark circles under their eyes and ignore their yawns. When they drag themselves in the door after school and want a nap instead of their usual snack, you can smile again. I bet anything those kids will go to bed early tonight.
It will probably be a while before they’ll ask to watch a movie on a school night. And you didn’t even have to say a thing.
Look how smart a parent you are.
Scenario #3
Your 12-year-old hates to do his chores, especially taking out the garbage. He conveniently forgets, stalls for time, or complains about doing it.
WHAT THE AUTHORITARIAN PARENT WOULD DO
“If you don’t do your chores, you’ll be grounded for life.”
Or, “Something stinks around here, and it’s not only your attitude. You get busy and do your job. No more stalling, no complaining. It’s about time you do your share of the work around here.”
Or, “Your mother had to take out the garbage today. Forget one more time and I’ll make you regret it.”
WHAT THE PERMISSIVE PARENT WOULD DO
“It’s okay. Everybody forgets sometimes. I know you’re busy with school and other things. It’s not a problem. I don’t mind taking out the garbage.”
WHAT THE AUTHORITATIVE PARENT WOULD DO
The garbage is his job, not yours. When it starts to get stinky in the kitchen, wheel that container right into his bedroom. Shut the door so it’s fully aromatic by the time he gets back from school.
When he opens his bedroom door, he’ll get a surprise and come thundering back out into the kitchen. “What’s with the garbage in my room?”
You shrug. “Oh, it was getting a little smelly in the kitchen.”
“But why did you stick it in my room?” he asks angrily. “Are you crazy?”
You answer calmly, “It’s your responsibility, so it belongs in your room until you take care of it.”
End of subject. You get busy doing something else.
Besides providing a teachable moment for your son, you get a bonus. Your son actually cleans his bedroom since it really does reek in there.
Authoritative parenting is a win-win, isn’t it?
Scenario #4
Your 16-year-old daughter has had a bad day at school. She got stabbed in the back by her best friend, and then a teacher gave her grief for her handwriting on a test. She wants to take it out on someone, but if she acts up at school, she’ll get a reputation she doesn’t want. She’s got to fight with someone to let off steam, so she takes it out on you the instant she walks in the door.
WHAT THE AUTHORITARIAN PARENT WOULD DO
“What’s wrong with you?”
Or, “Why are you picking a fight with me? I’m your father.”
Or, “Go to your room until your attitude improves.”
Or, “Try this again, young lady, and you’re in big trouble.”
WHAT THE PERMISSIVE PARENT WOULD DO
“Oh, honey, what’s wrong? Can I help?”
Or, “Did you have a bad day? Did someone hurt you? If they did, I’ll . . .”
And the permissive parent proceeds to follow her angry daughter down the hallway to try to help and gets caught in her teenager’s wind.
WHAT THE AUTHORITATIVE PARENT WOULD DO
“I can see you’ve had a rough day. When you feel like talking about it, I’m all ears. Just come and find me.”
Then you exit the room to a quieter spot.
You see, there’s no fight if you don’t engage. Fighting is an act of cooperation.
Believe me, that girl will talk when she feels like it, but in the meantime you won’t be a punching bag for her heightened emotions. So let her have time to cool down, start to think more rationally about what happened that day, and maybe even get a snack. There’s nothing like food to calm the beast—er, your teenager.
There’s a fine line between parenting too much and parenting too little. Both take away the potential for teachable moments when your child can learn to make good choices, be responsible for her actions, and contribute to your family. After all, your end goal is to rear a balanced, forward-thinking adult who loves and respects you, is kind and generous, cares for others (including his siblings), respects authority, pulls his weight at work, and contributes in beneficial ways to make this planet a better place to live.
You can get there. Just continue reading.