What your child’s life mantra is, how it developed, and how it affects his or her behavior.
“I’m at my wit’s end,” Stephanie confided. She’s a mom of three, including two teenagers. “My kids always fight, but my 15-year-old is the worst. Each time we interact, I lose. She counters whatever I say and blasts me out of the water. I walk away feeling like a bad mom. I don’t know what to do. She acts so much like . . . like . . .”
“Let me take a guess,” I said when she struggled for words. “She acts like you?”
If you’re the parent of a teen, accept that you’ll be a ship riding out rocky seas for a while, and batten down the hatches against the gale-force winds that will inevitably blow. And if you have more than one teenager at a time, heaven help you.
But knowing a little secret helps: The kid you’re most likely to clash with is the one most like you, and that clash has everything to do with birth order.
How well do you really know your child? What does she think? How does he feel? What bothers him? What does she resent about you? What motivates him?
To find out why your child is misbehaving, you have to get behind his eyes to see how he thinks, feels, and perceives events that happen to him, as well as the world in general. Understanding some basics about birth order, the life mantra it helps form, and how that translates into a lifestyle—including misbehaviors—is a good start.
Birth Order 101
Understanding how different birth orders experience life is a critical key to parenting each of your children in the way best suited to him or her, and to responding in a long-term beneficial way to their individual misbehaviors.
Firstborns: Dazzling Stars of the Family
You were the lucky recipient of all of your parents’ attention for a while. Being the family guinea pig for Mom and Dad’s parenting techniques had its perks and its disadvantages. The universe revolved around you. You were the first to do everything—walk, go potty by yourself, eat dirt, get your first grade, wear a bra, and go through driver’s ed.
Everything you did—right or wrong—was heightened, so you became an achiever, leader, and perfectionist. Because your parents’ critical eye was trained on you, you are hard on others but hardest on yourself. You are logical and well organized, have a strong sense of justice, and take life seriously.
Books became your best friends, because you didn’t have siblings for a while and only interacted with adults. Then those things called siblings arrived and you were held responsible for their misbehavior: “You’re older. You ought to know better.” With all the parental expectations heaped on you, no wonder you’re a perfectionist.
What’s your resulting life mantra? “I only count when I not only do things right but do them perfectly.”
You’re allergic to failure.
Only Children: Rocket Ships Poised to Take Off
If you’re an only child, take all the qualities of a firstborn child and multiply them by three. That’s you. You’re everything a firstborn is but with extra doses of self-motivation, stress, and high achievement.
You think in black-and-white, use words like always and never liberally, and constantly raise the high bar on yourself. Nothing is ever good enough or perfect enough. You could do better. Even the thought of failing at anything skyrockets your stress. You are triply allergic to failure.
What’s your resulting life mantra? “I only count when I’m perfect.”
Middleborns: Diplomats in the Making
You’re smarter than your parents give you credit for. You took one look at your older brother or sister and decided, No way can I compete with that.
So you went in the opposite direction. You became independent and secretive and decided that it’s best if you don’t share what you really think. Squished between firstborn star and entertaining baby, you mediated between the two warring parties as the family diplomat enough that you learned to retreat at the first sign of a fight brewing.
Wanting life’s roads to be smooth, you avoid conflicts and compromise rather than provoke a fight. You’re often elusive in your answers—“We’ll see . . .”—instead of stating yes or no.
Since you were least likely to be noticed as missing from the dinner table, you’re actually surprised when anyone in your family pays attention to you. That’s why you’ve majored on developing your friend network, and you’re very loyal.
What’s your resulting life mantra? “I only count when I can keep the peace and slip under the radar.”
Lastborns: Master Charmers and Manipulators
Engaging, impulsive, and affectionate, you love people, activities, and surprises. You’re not only comfortable with but crave being in the limelight as the center of attention. After all, you grew up as the baby, the apple of Mama’s and Papa’s eyes. You were the entertainer, the party waiting to happen, the one who made everyone laugh.
But you sometimes dodged responsibility. Since you were “cute,” your siblings often got blamed for what you did because they were older, should have known better, and let you get in trouble.
However, they got their revenge on you. When your siblings wanted something from your parents, they used you as the token sacrifice. After all, who could say no to you? As the youngest, you were the one less likely to get killed.
What’s your resulting life mantra? “I only count when I’m noticed and I can make people laugh.”
You’re allergic to work. It’s much easier to charm someone else into doing it.
Smart Parenting Based on Birth Order
Just as these characteristics are likely true of you (see my Birth Order Book for more specifics and reasons for variations), they’re also true of your child, and that’s where the clashing occurs. There’s no such thing as treating your kids equally. You’ll overidentify with the child of the same birth order as you—putting too much pressure on her or favoring her too much. That actually provokes misbehavior on the part of your kids. How does this play out in real life?
Take the number one scenario parents across the globe complain about: fighting kids. How do you usually respond? Has that worked in the past 15 years? Then why not try these strategies?
Firstborns make snap decisions about who’s at fault and level immediate punishments. Either you hold your firstborn responsible because she’s oldest and ought to know better (even though you hated when your parents said that to you), or your critical eye zooms in on the baby, since your little brother got away with murder. You jump in to solve problems because you like issues defined and settled, and because your firstborn teen has the same black-and-white thinking and sense of justice, you two will understandably butt heads.
You be the adult. Be the first not to engage in the fight.
Onlies spout an infamous line: “Can’t you all just get along?” But competition and sibling rivalry are natural and, frankly, as unavoidable as death and taxes. Give up that ideal, stay out of the fracas, and let them tussle it out.
Middleborns hate disharmony, so they step in to smooth things over—“Now, kids, what is this all about?”—and make the complaint fest worse. You jump to the middleborn’s defense, since you know what it’s like to be sandwiched in the middle of a mess you didn’t create. But don’t needlessly get involved in your kids’ fights. Realize that fighting is an act of cooperation (it takes two or more), and let them problem solve. Encourage your conflict-avoiding middleborn to stand up for himself.
Babies swoop in like avenging angels to defend the youngest: “Why are you picking on your sister? What did she ever do to you?” Yes, you got away with a lot yourself, but you remember your siblings pounding on you when Mom wasn’t looking. Don’t make the cardinal mistake of baby-of-the-family parents: targeting the firstborn because she’s the oldest. I guarantee your littlest angel helped fuel that conflict and needs a liberal dose of responsibility.
It’s amazing how swiftly fights fizzle when your kids can’t get your attention and you don’t fight back or act as judge between the two parties.
Parenting is not a competitive sport. If someone is “winning” your relationship, you’re both losing.
Getting Inside Your Child’s Head
“My sister is both my BFF and my worst enemy,” 13-year-old Mona told me. “When no one understands why I’m upset, she gets it. I don’t have to explain. But I really hate how she’s in my business—telling me what to do and how I should feel. She’s only two years older, but she acts like such a know-it-all, wannabe princess. Worse, my parents give her everything. Sometimes she’s too . . . perfect.”
“It could be worse,” I said. “You could be stuck between that perfect sister and a little show-off brother, who gets away with everything.”
But I knew exactly how she felt, because I had two perfect older siblings. My straight-A sister always had her ducks in a row, and my captain-of-the-football-team brother could do no wrong. Then there was me—that show-off brother. Nobody took me seriously, and everybody told me what to do.
Again, misbehavior is purposive—there’s a reason for it. Now that I understand a few secrets about why people do what they do, I know why each of us acted like we did.
Birth order has a powerful effect on how your kids view you, themselves, and their siblings and how you all relate to each other. If you get behind your child’s eyes to see what they’re really thinking, you can halt some misbehavior before it starts and get in the driver’s seat to curb it.
Want to know what your firstborn, onlyborn, middleborn, and lastborn are thinking? Let’s take a look.
What Your Firstborn Is Really Thinking . . .
It’s so unfair. If my little sister does something wrong, why am I the one who gets in trouble? If I had a buck for every time Dad said, “You have to be a role model,” I’d be a millionaire by now.
I’m always under pressure, because Mom and Dad watch me closely. I feel like if I don’t make captain of the volleyball team, I’ll be a failure in their eyes. And if I get a B instead of an A, watch out. The world is going to end.
Sometimes I need space to myself, to process things or read a book or listen to music, but I get interrupted. My little brother and sister don’t know what a closed door means, and they get into my private stuff and make a mess. When I tell them to get out and stay out of my stuff, they run crying to Mom and I get in trouble for not being nicer to them. I don’t play with their toys, so why should they get to play with mine—and break them?
I also have to do extra chores because I’m older. I mean, why on earth can’t my little brother feed our dog? He’s in second grade. And why do I have to be the one to babysit when Mom and Dad go out for dinner? Especially when it messes with the plans I’ve made?
At my house, I’m the garbage person—the one who not only takes out the garbage but does every single garbage thing that my brother and sister can’t seem to do because they’re younger. Can’t somebody else help out around here? I have enough stress with my schoolwork and trying to do well, not to mention trying not to get eaten alive in the jungle of school every day. And then I get grounded for having an attitude? Who wouldn’t have an attitude if you were treated like that?
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FIRSTBORN
Knowing what your firstborn is thinking can make her misbehaviors less “personal.” After all, if you were the one under all that stress, wouldn’t you lose your temper every once in a while and slam your bedroom door or say something not very courteous?
A helpful conversation to have with your firstborn might go something like this: “I know you live with a lot of pressure as a firstborn. Between school, all your extra activities, and your pesky brother and sister, you’ve got a lot to handle.”
Already you have her attention. She’s thinking, Wait a minute. Dad knows I have to deal with a lot and that my siblings can be a nuisance? All of a sudden her ears are open to hear what you have to say.
You continue. “I also know you have a lot of chores to do. I’ve been thinking about lessening some of those as your schoolwork is growing, and I’d like to hear your opinion on that.”
Her ears open wider since you asked for her opinion.
“I’ll be honest. There’s a reason you have so many chores. Think about it this way: If you wanted to get something done, would you call on someone you know is responsible, or the person who can’t find her shoes in the morning—like your sister? The fact we call on you and don’t follow through to check up is because we believe in you. But I don’t think it’s fair that you have to shoulder so many responsibilities, so I’d like you to work with me on teaching some of them to your brother and sister. If you could make a list of chores you think they could do and make some suggestions, that would be great.”
You’ve complimented her on being responsible and reassured her of your belief in her. Remember, firstborns are organized and detailed and love lists, so she’ll hop right on this project.
You end your conversation with a positive twist: “I know your brother and sister can be annoying. But they really look up to you. They think you walk on water, so that’s why they like to hang around you and learn from you. You’re cool, and you get to do things they can’t do. They’re curious about your stuff, which is why they invade your room. So, in a funny way, the fact they get into your stuff is actually a compliment. After all, you rock!
“But you don’t have to be right or perfect all the time. You’re human too. We’ll always love you and support you. We believe in you.”
That, parent, is a fabulous start to a changed relationship that could end your firstborn’s misbehaviors.
What Your Onlyborn Is Really Thinking . . .
Life is stressful if I don’t have a road map. I like to know where I’m going and when I’m getting there, including the details. It drives me crazy if I don’t know, because then I can’t strategize. That’s why I spend extra time on my homework and study extra hard for tests.
I hate it when my parents pressure me about grades or studying. I’m already under a lot of pressure. It’s not like I wouldn’t study. But it makes me feel like they don’t trust me because I’m a kid.
I hate it even more when they make decisions for me, like I’m too dumb to do it myself. The other day Dad came into my room without permission and sorted through my college brochures. At dinner, he presented three of them labeled with #1, #2, and #3 and told me he’d evaluated the best schools for me.
There is absolutely no way I’m going to any of those schools . . . just because he picked them. It’s my life, not his. Why is he messing in my business? He had his time to consider colleges. Now it’s mine. But telling him that didn’t go over so well.
“I’m only thinking of your best,” Dad said.
Well, so am I. Can’t I be allowed a say in my own future? It isn’t my fault I’m their only kid and I have to carry on the honor of the family name.
I also get sick of them saying, “Why don’t you act more friendly, and then you’d get some friends?” I do have friends—a few, but they’re good ones. I’m not a social nitwit, but I don’t like being with other kids all the time. I’d rather spend time alone with my books and do something every once in a while. My friends are like that too.
Even though I’m their only kid, do Mom and Dad have to keep such close tabs on me? Sometimes I want to relax, but I feel like I can’t. One of them says, “You should . . .” They won’t stop pushing me to do something else or do something better.
I feel like I’m never good enough for them. Like the time I was a kid and made my bed all by myself. I was so proud that I asked Mom to come look at it. She said, “Good job, honey,” but then smoothed out some wrinkles and remade one corner. Or when I had learned how to read by kindergarten and was struggling with a word, and she said, “Don’t you know that word yet?” I mean, seriously, most of the other kids in kindergarten were still eating paste.
See what I mean? They’re so critical, when I’m already hard enough on myself.
The only way to get around them is to act on the surface like I’m doing what they want. Then as soon as I go out the door, I can do whatever I want.
I rarely get caught. When I do, I get hammered way harder than my friends, who do something far worse. But I know if I wait long enough, my parents will get over it, and I can go back to business as usual under the radar.
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR ONLYBORN
Knowing what your only child is thinking can make his misbehaviors less “personal.” They also hit home a bit too, don’t they?
He is your only child, so you have a lot of hopes and dreams staked on that kid. You have his best in mind, but sometimes the way you act out your parental expectations adds more weight to an only child’s already heavy burden. It’s no surprise then that your only child sometimes throws a few words in your face like:
A helpful conversation to have with your only child might go something like this: “I understand now how much pressure we put on you, and I’m sorry.”
That initial statement will get his attention, especially since you, his almighty parent, have said the words “I’m sorry.” To onlyborns, saying that is like magic dust.
“You do so incredibly well at everything in life, and you already drive yourself hard. By saying some of the things I have, I know it’s made you feel even more stressed. So if you’ll help me, I want to back off. I’m going to try to catch myself before I remind you of things you already know or ask you about homework. After all, you’ve already got it, and you’re even more detailed than we are.
“But I also want you to know that even if you failed a test, it wouldn’t change my view of you. I’m sorry I’ve been critical of you in the past and put extra pressure on you. If there is anything I can do to help you or ease your burden, I’m all ears. I know I will still make mistakes. You’ll make mistakes. Neither of us is perfect, and that’s okay. But I’d like to start over, from this point on, with you and me. Could you help me do that?”
“I’m sorry” is a critical first step toward an onlyborn, who feels pressure every day of his life. When he knows you care about him, understand him, and want to make changes, a bit of that internal stress will roll off him. But an onlyborn will also wait to see if your actions line up with your words.
It’ll take time, but now you’ll at least be traversing the same terrain as your child.
What Your Middleborn Is Really Thinking . . .
Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here in my family. Nobody even notices if I’m not at dinner. It’s like I’m invisible. If I took off, it would probably be days before they’d even miss me.
I’ve spent my entire existence squished between my perfect older brother, who can do no wrong, and my bratty sister, who gets attention no matter what she does because she’s “cute.” The best way to survive is to keep my mouth shut and let the fireworks happen around me. When my brother and sister fight, I lay low as long as I can. But often I’m the one who gets called on to step between them. I end up having to negotiate some peace when all I want is some quiet space for myself and peace in the house.
No one ever asks what I think. Even if they did and I tried to answer, they probably couldn’t hear me with all the noise my little sister makes. Honestly, sometimes I feel like an alien in my own family. I don’t belong.
That’s why my friends are so important to me. If I’m having a bad day, I shut my door and text them. They feel more like family than my family does. My parents don’t get that, and there’s no way I can tell them. So I continue getting into trouble for missing curfew so I can hang out longer with my friends.
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR MIDDLEBORN
Knowing what your middleborn is thinking can make her misbehaviors less “personal.” After all, if you were the one caught in the middle of your siblings’ battles, and you felt like you were invisible and ignored in your family, wouldn’t you get in trouble every now and then to show them you existed?
A helpful conversation to have with your middleborn might go something like this: “I’d love to have your help on something. I’m trying to figure out how to launch a website for my new business, but I’m running into trouble. You’re so good at figuring out online things. I see you on your computer all the time, and you seem like a whiz. Do you think you could help me out?”
Because middleborns feel invisible, asking for their opinion or help on something is like stroking a kitten—the right way, of course. Stroke them the wrong direction, ruffle their fur, and you’ve got an angry kitten.
As you are working on the project together, say, “I know how important your friends are to you and how much you enjoy spending time with them. I’d love to hear your ideas about how you could still get that time with them but also weave in some more time for us as a family. I know that at this stage in your life, you don’t always want to have Mom or Dad around. But I was thinking lately that I don’t get enough time with you. I miss you when you’re not around.”
Her ears perk up. Mom finally gets how important my friends are to me? But she misses me? What’s going on here?
“I’d love to do something fun with you. Just you and me, not the other kids. Are there some things you’d like to do without dragging the other kids along? If you come up with some suggestions, I’d love to hear them.”
By now your middleborn is in shock. Get rid of the other kids for the night and do something fun?
“Hey, I know it’s hard being stuck in the middle all the time between those two. Your brother’s usually getting an award for something or other, and your sister, well . . .” You laugh. “She has to call attention to herself if she doesn’t get attention, doesn’t she?”
She nods. Wow, she knows what it’s like to be in my shoes.
“That’s why I appreciate you so much. You’re the even-keeled one in our family, the kid I can count on. You get along well with both of your siblings. When they fight—and they do fight a lot, don’t they?—you don’t pick sides. You’re a master negotiator. Maybe you can be a diplomat someday. You’re so good at seeing all sides of an issue and getting them to stop fighting. Your brother and sister need you more than they know. It’s the reason they run to you in the first place. They see that you, and only you, know how to solve the issue.”
Hey, she really gets it, and yeah, I am good at that.
“But don’t forget,” you conclude, “you have a right to express your opinion too. What you think and feel matter. They matter greatly to me and to your dad. When you’re not around, we miss you. So I’d love to find a win-win solution where you get time with your friends and we have time with you.”
Do that, parent, and you’ve redirected your middleborn’s misbehavior of constantly missing curfew and getting in trouble. You’ve now given her reasons to come home.
Above all else, middleborns need to know that they matter and what they think is important. Little things you do mean a great deal.
One night years ago I took all three of our kids bowling. As we sat down to start our score sheet, there was an intense discussion over who would bowl first. While Holly, my firstborn, and Kevin II, my baby of the family, vied loudly for the honor, I noticed Krissy, my middleborn, wasn’t saying a word.
“Krissy,” I said, “you get to choose.”
What did Krissy do? What middleborn children would—keep the peace like true diplomats. She put down her daddy’s name first, then Holly, then Kevin II, and finally herself.
But she also smiled because her daddy had solicited her opinion.
What Your Lastborn Is Really Thinking . . .
Do they have any idea how hard it is to grow up with a perfect older sister? I get compared all the time to her, so I’ve given up. I’ll never get As or be on the student council like her.
And my popular older brother? Don’t even get me started. I get so tired of people saying, “Oh, you’re Jett’s brother. So do you play soccer too?” Duh, just because we’re related doesn’t mean we’re alike.
But when I want people to notice me, I know exactly how to get their attention. I’m good at it too. I can get Mom to show up at school and get me out early if I do things like crawl under the bathroom stalls and lock them from inside, or pour my milk into another kid’s backpack. A short trip to the principal’s office is nothing compared to getting out of school early and Mom taking me to Taco Bell on the way home because she didn’t have a lunch planned.
When my perfect sister is driving me crazy, I know how to get her in trouble: I “accidentally” drop her phone in the toilet. When she screams and comes after me, she’s the one who gets in trouble the most because she’s older. Besides, my yelling attracts Mom’s and Dad’s attention more, because I can yell louder. They come running like trained dogs.
But she also knows how to get back at me. When she wants to weasel a favor out of our parents without getting killed, she sends me to ask. I’m game. After all, I have a much higher chance of getting what she wants, and there’s usually something in it for me. Last time she gave me five bucks because I got them to sign up for YouTube Red.
I’ve also got my sister’s number. If I don’t want to do something, I act cute or incapable and she takes care of it for me. Even if she calls me “stupid” or “loser,” it doesn’t matter.
My brother’s so busy with his friends that he basically ignores me, except for when my sister and I get in a fight at home. Then he tells us both to shut up or Mom and Dad will hear.
But I’m not smart like my sister or as popular as my brother, so I have to make Mom and Dad pay attention to me somehow. If I act up, I get their attention. If I don’t, nobody will notice me.
So, let’s see. What should I do next to get some attention around here? Throw those leftover jelly donuts at passing cars? Tie the cat to our backyard tree? Shave the neighbor’s dog? He might look good with a crew cut on one side. . . .
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR LASTBORN
Knowing what your lastborn is thinking can make his misbehaviors less “personal.” If you viewed his behavior as a way to get attention since he can’t compete with his perfect sister, would that change your response to it? Realizing his life mantra is “I only count when people pay attention to me and I can make them laugh,” do you now understand his clown behavior that otherwise would drive you crazy?
A helpful conversation to have with your lastborn might go something like this: “Your sister is sometimes over the top, isn’t she?”
Your lastborn’s ears perk up. What? Mom thinks so too?
“I mean, she’s good at so many things, but she takes herself way too seriously at times. I wouldn’t be surprised if that bothers you sometimes.”
What a minute. Mom understands what I think and how I feel?
“But you know what? As irritated as the two of you get with each other, you still need each other. She needs you to make her laugh when she’s stressed out. And you need her, even when she’s high-and-mighty sometimes. Remember when she rescued you from the neighborhood bully by reading him the riot act so he got scared and ran away? And then he never bothered you again?”
He nods, and you relive that experience with laughter.
“Well,” you continue, “that’s the same sister whose phone you chose to drop in the toilet yesterday. As a result, she missed a very important call from a college about an interview.”
You let that sink in for a moment. Now his head is hanging a bit.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me. Apologize to your sister.”
“Okay,” he says meekly.
“I also know that sometimes she does your chores, and I don’t think that’s fair to her or to you.”
Shoot, he thinks. Mom noticed.
“You don’t like it when your brother and sister treat you like a baby, right? Well, a little work won’t kill you, and it’ll make them take you more seriously. You’re a member of this family, just like your sister, your brother, your dad, and me. We all work together and play together. That means you need to do the work assigned to you instead of letting your sister do it.
“I know you like to make people laugh, and I love that about you. But sometimes your brother and sister also need a place in the spotlight, to be applauded for their accomplishments. You don’t need to do something like drop your sister’s phone in the toilet to get our attention. You always have it. If you don’t feel like that and you want some attention, come up to me or Dad and say, ‘I need to talk,’ or ‘I need a hug,’ or ‘I’m feeling bored right now.’ Those are good solutions to wanting attention.”
You knew your kids were different, but now you understand even more why they are different. That’s why you should never treat your kids the same, because they aren’t the same. Trying to treat them that way only provokes rebellion.
Once you understand how birth order affects your thinking and your child’s and prompts your child’s misbehaviors, you’ll be better equipped to deal with those misbehaviors. Sure, they will still rear their heads. Siblings will fight. That’s as sure as gravity. They’ll compete even more if they’re only a couple of years apart and the same gender. But if you think of that fighting as something else—an act of cooperation in getting your attention—you won’t be as tempted to engage and escalate the fight, will you?
Want to take the wind out of your kid’s sails if she tries to narc on her sister? Just say, “Wow, you could be right,” and walk away. Or when siblings are in each other’s faces and trying to loop you in, shrug and say, “Well, I’m sure you’ll work it out,” and exit the room.
Keeping the long-term perspective in mind is critically important in parenting. Tempers may heat up, but they’ll blow over.
Here’s some irony about siblings: In the morning, brother and sister might hate each other and go head-to-head in battle. But if another kid tries to pick on that sister at school, guess who goes to bat for her? Yup, her brother, the same one she called a “colossal pain” hours earlier. Why is he first in line to defend her? Because that’s what family does.