What they are, how they start, and how to identify where your child is on the spectrum.
I used to have a dog that had a mind of her own. Barkley was a cocker spaniel, and she got herself into all kinds of trouble. “Unpredictable” was her middle name. Once she got something in that doggie head of hers, it lodged there until it was taken care of. You could tell her no, but you well knew she’d do it anyway. Once when we were in the middle of dinner, she sneaked up behind us, grabbed the meatloaf off the table, and ran off with it.
Another time we were working on a puzzle. She stole a piece, hightailed it down the hallway, and hid it somewhere. That puzzle piece still hasn’t come up for air, and my wife is a very good housekeeper.
Those two events provoke laughter at the family dinner table now, but at the time they weren’t so funny. We were minus our delicious main dish and left with only asparagus and potatoes. Salami lunch meat wasn’t a good substitute. Pieces of that meatloaf also fell off as Barkley ran and made a big mess on the carpet. And regarding that missing puzzle piece, there’s nothing more irritating than not being able to complete the masterpiece you’ve worked on as a family for a month.
When that dog didn’t get the strokes from us that she wanted, when she wanted them, she created situations that would make us pay attention to her.
Your Kids’ Game Plan
Your kids are the same way. All misbehavior is a call for attention. If your child doesn’t get attention from you through positive actions, he’ll proceed to making you pay attention through negative actions. That misbehavior will continue as long as it pays off. When it no longer gains him anything, he’ll stop. The faster you pay the right kind of attention, the better off you’ll be.
Kids develop their game plan by watching you. How you respond to situations life throws your way role-models for them how they should respond. Your children are always making notes, figuring out how to get what they want, when they want it. And, parent, they’re masterful at identifying all your hot buttons, how to push them, and how to work you. Every time they learn something new, they’ll tuck it away and use it when needed to their advantage.
Children are influenced by creature comforts. That’s why a baby cries when she’s hungry or there are doodies in her diaper. And she’ll fuss, like that baby did in the restaurant when she didn’t like sitting in that cold, hard high chair and preferred sitting in a warm, cushy lap. She was only trying to make life more comfy for herself. As she went along in life, she was learning from her parents’ responses, Oh, so they’re big on that. I see. How can I use that?
Parent, once you’re big on something, watch out. That item will become a lightning rod for your child.
Those are only the beginning.
That’s why the parents of that baby should have insisted she stay in her own seat. “I have a seat, Dad has a seat, Grandma has a seat, and you have a seat. We all stay in our own seats at dinner.” If the baby chose not to eat her own food, so be it. Natural hunger kicks in sooner or later, and the kid will eat.
Of course, following those steps for a child who has already discovered the power in her little finger would temporarily cause a big fuss. The family might not want to go back to that restaurant for a while. In fact, takeout or cooking at home would be a better option as they retrain their daughter. But sometimes you have to face down a bit of embarrassment to do what’s right for the long term.
What’s Real to Your Child
Kids react to the social environment in which they’re placed and to whatever is going on around them. That’s how they learn.
Your child’s reality is based on what he believes he sees and what he believes he hears. These can be real or imagined perceptions. Have you ever seen one of those optical illusion pictures where what one person sees is different from what another person sees? Well, what one kid in your family perceives to be real can be completely different from what another kid perceives to be real. That’s why siblings often remember key family events differently.
For example, an older sibling remembers the awful Christmas he had when he was 13. The whole family was snowed in, and he was forced to play with his little brother during “family bonding time” instead of reading the books he’d set aside. To top it off, his parents gave him and his brother the same present—sleds. It would have been a nice present, back when he was five or six.
Little brother remembers that same Christmas as the best ever. The whole family was together, they got to make snow angels, and he made up a Christmas play and everybody acted in it. He got a red sled too, and he and his brother spent time sledding down that hill once the snow cleared.
Exact same event, but viewed through completely different lenses.
Why such a differing perception? Because the way each child viewed reality based on his birth order, parental responses to his actions, and his experiences thus far shaped his memories.
The older brother was serious and had grown up under his parents’ high expectations. He’d looked forward to some downtime from school, a letup of pressure, and reading good books he wouldn’t have had time to read otherwise. Instead, he was forced into being social and received a present that insulted his age and his intelligence.
The younger brother loved having the family gathered around and being snowed in. It was exciting, and everybody paid attention to him instead of ignoring him like usual. They even let him make up his own Christmas play and star in it. To top it off, the brother who usually called him “Dumbo” took him outside and went sledding with him. They even had a snowball fight. What could be better?
That Christmas, one of those two boys got in trouble for his misbehavior. Can you guess which one it was?
You’re right. It was the older brother, who had never been in trouble before. The younger brother got off scot-free and had a Disney World–type vacation.
What did the older brother hear from his parents? A litany of these comments:
Yes, he was thinking, what a Christmas indeed. It’s the worst time in my life. And nobody even noticed my all-As report card or congratulated me on finishing that month-long state history paper that I did tons of research on. Everything is all about my brother, as usual.
Can you see why that once-perfect child rebelled? He didn’t get attention for the positive things he was doing and was frustrated with all the attention his annoying younger brother was getting. He decided the only way to get any attention himself was to put a rock in a snowball and launch it at his brother. Maybe then his family might have a clue how angry and disappointed he was about his “vacation” being ruined.
I would have rebelled too in those circumstances and done much worse. So would you, unless you’re a saint.
Why Kids Misbehave
Of course, I wouldn’t know what it was like to be perfect, since I was that little brother, the family clown and troublemaker. By the time I was 13, I’d done so many antics an entire book couldn’t list them all. I only gave authority a lick and a holler. I always called home and told my parents where I was because I knew I was supposed to. Problem was, I was never where I said. But because my parents fell for it, I didn’t have to rope my buddy Moonhead into vouching for me.
Why did I spend my childhood misbehaving? Because that was the only way I could get attention. I wasn’t my perfect straight-A-student older sister, and I wasn’t my perfect sports-star, popular older brother. So I became the family clown.
Kids misbehave for a reason. The idea that behavior has a purpose was first stated by psychiatrist Alfred Adler, who was a practical guy but wrote very thick books. So that more people could understand Adler’s principles about behavior, a student of his, Dr. Rudolf Dreikers, organized them into four goals: attention, power, revenge, and display of inadequacy. Researchers Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay simplified Adler’s theories further by providing a chart of these “4 Goals of Misbehavior.”5
What’s most critical to know is that these goals are sequential. Simply stated, if kids can’t get your attention in a positive way and become discouraged, they move to the next stage: getting your attention through powerful, negative behavior. If you don’t address that negative behavior—and, most of all, the reasons behind it—they move to the “revenge” stage, where they want to get even. If that doesn’t get your attention, they proceed to the “display of inadequacy” stage, where they stop caring and interacting. Frankly, they give up.
Ninety-nine percent of the thousands of kids I’ve dealt with over all my years as a practicing psychologist have exhibited the first two goals of misbehavior: attention and power. These are typical behaviors that most parents see with their children—ones that can be handled by the principles of this book, including changing how you respond to your children in order to get a different outcome from them.
Kids who step beyond the power stage to the stages of revenge and display of inadequacy can also be helped by these principles, but you will need assistance beyond what this book can give. To turn those stages around, you will require professional help, including from your medical doctor, who after a checkup will likely refer you to a practicing psychologist or psychiatrist, depending on your situation.
So in this chapter, I’ll briefly explain the four goals, based on concepts from Dinkmeyer and McKay, to give you an idea of which stage your child may be in. The following two chapters will delve more deeply into the two most common stages: attention and power.
Goal #1: Attention
Every child craves his parents’ attention. But the attention getter’s motto is, “I only count when others notice me and serve me.”
It’s easy to spot these kids. He’s the toddler tugging on his mom’s pant leg when she’s talking to another mom. She’s the first-grader who won’t let her dad talk on the phone without interrupting him to ask a question. She’s the fourth-grader hopping up and down with her hand in the air, yelling, “Pick me!” at recess.
He’s the middle-schooler who gets the teacher lecture: “Now, Jared, we’ve talked about this before. You can’t do that in class.” But he does it anyway because he knows that’s how he gets her attention. He’s the high-schooler who is overly zealous with his peers, inserting himself in situations where he doesn’t belong because somewhere along the way, he’s missed developing social cues.
When these kids are told to stop their actions, they might temporarily stop. But as soon as the attention is off of them, they’ll start that misbehavior again or create a new misbehavior to get the spotlight back on them.
How do parents usually respond to such kids? They’re annoyed. Authoritarian parents will tell them to stop that behavior—now. Permissive parents will remind them, “Now, honey, I’m talking to another adult, so you know you need to wait.” Or they’ll say something like, “If you don’t interrupt me again, I’ll give you a piece of candy when I’m done.”
Goal #2: Power
When a child can’t get attention through positive behaviors, she moves to trying to get it through power. Her mantra becomes, “I only count when I dominate and control, when others do whatever I want them to do and when I want them to do it, and when I can do whatever I want.”
It’s easy to spot these kids too. She’s the defiant three-year-old who stomps her foot and says, “No!” He’s the second-grader who looks his dad straight in the eye and says, “You’re not the boss of me.”
She’s the seventh-grader who tells her mom, “You’re so stupid.” He’s the ninth-grader who, when his dad tells him to stop slamming the basketball against the house when he plays in the driveway, gets up at midnight to purposefully slam the basketball against the house, waking Dad and all the neighbors with the loud smacks.
Reprimand these kids and their drive for power will only intensify. They’ll continue the behavior that drives you crazy . . . and they’ll do it right in your face too. Why? Because they are driven to win over you. Nothing less will do. Anything you say or do only escalates the situation.
How do parents usually respond to such kids? They get angry. Their kid is challenging their authority and brazenly doing what they’ve been told not to do. So parents try to knock that kid down a peg to reshape their attitude. Words fly out of their mouths like, “You little brat. You’re not going to get away with that.” Or, “Oh yeah? Well, I can make you do it.” Or, “Stop that right now. I told you not to do that. Didn’t you hear what I said?”
Goal #3: Revenge
When a parent doesn’t respond well to a child’s goal of power, that child proceeds to the third stage: revenge. His life mantra becomes “I only count if I can hurt others like I’ve been hurt.” By this point, he knows he really has no power, because his power moves didn’t work. He didn’t get the attention he was craving even through negative behaviors. He knows others don’t like him; even his family doesn’t like him.
Who are these kids? They’re usually older, since they’ve needed time to progress from stage one to stage two before getting to stage three.
She’s the sixth-grader who’s been rejected by her peers because of her own power plays in the peer group. Now she works extra hard to make sure they can’t like her. She uses all the knowledge she gained in her previous peer groups to start a social media account that reveals their secrets and photos they’d never want others to see.
He’s the tenth-grader who has one goal in life—to get even with anybody who crosses him. It doesn’t matter if that person is a sibling, a teacher, or even the person who dared to step in front of him in line at the coffee shop. That guy? He deserved to be slugged.
She’s the junior who takes her dad’s new Jeep and crashes it on purpose, because he pays more attention to that stupid car than he does her.
He’s the senior in high school who tries to commit suicide, since doing so is the ultimate revenge against people who hurt you. Or he goes on a shooting spree at the local high school to pay back all his peers who didn’t notice him or rejected him.
How do parents usually respond to such kids?
The more passive, permissive parents will be hurt, thinking, How can my kid do this to me? After all the time and hard work I’ve spent raising her? They’ll also feel guilty. What did I do wrong that she turned out like this? Am I really that horrible a parent?
The authoritarian parent will think, So that kid thinks he can do that? Get the best of me? Well, I’m going to show him a thing or two. He’ll retaliate with words and/or actions. The sledgehammer will come down so hard on that kid, he could get squashed. Problem is, because the kid already doesn’t like himself and wants to be disliked by others, parental revenge only increases his goal for more revenge. This creates a cycle that’s hard to break unless the parent chooses to change first.
Goal #4: Display of Inadequacy
If a parent continues to fuel a child’s revenge, after a while the child gets tired. None of his ways of getting attention are working, so why bother trying? He’s heard more than his fill from a parental figure about how stupid and no good he is. He’s also absorbed every one of those words, furthering his discouragement about life. Since he has no place to belong, he has no purpose left in life, and nobody seems to care, he adopts a new mantra: “I’m no good. Nobody thinks I’m worth anything. I can’t do anything right, so why do anything at all? I give up.”
What do these kids look like?
She’s the seventh-grader who wears a hoodie to hide her face and walks with head down, books clasped tightly in front of her. She doesn’t talk to any other kids. At night she gets high, because it’s the only time she can escape her reality.
He’s the tenth-grader who heads for his room every Friday night and doesn’t come out until Monday morning. He’s lost his appetite, and you have to coax him to eat anything. Even the favorite foods in front of his door stay untouched. The only thing he seems to care about is his music, which is moody and a bit creepy, to be honest.
She’s the eleventh-grader whose grades have slipped from As and Bs to Ds and Fs, and she doesn’t seem to care. Nothing you do motivates her. She only shrugs and goes on her way. Secretly she’s a cutter, because pain is the only thing that is constant in her life and that she can control.
Kids in the display of inadequacy stage have been so beaten down by life and a lack of positive attention that they’re passive and bland. They’ve been criticized so much that they no longer react to anything you say. Since there’s no reason to try or improve, why bother? They do the minimum to get by because they no longer care.
They become the 21-year-olds at street corners who run away from home and hold signs saying, “Need food.” They’ve given up on themselves. They are so discouraged they have no self-respect left. They see no hope in life. They’d rather sit and beg than attempt to get a job.
How do parents usually respond to these kids? They honestly don’t know what to do with them. They’ve tried everything to motivate that child, but all of it has failed. They feel hopeless. Because nothing they do seems to help and they don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, they give up too.
Next Steps
After reading these brief descriptions, you likely have an idea where your child lands on the spectrum of the four goals of misbehavior. Most of them will be in stage one or stage two. Some of you will have the misfortune of having kids in stage three, where they want to hurt others, or stage four, where they want to hurt themselves.
However, I want you to know something very important: Today is a new day. The past is behind you. You can start anew from this point forward.
But transformation starts with you. So you be the adult. Take the reins. Since you know that your kid’s misbehavior has everything to do with who they are and their resulting life perceptions, as well as your parenting style and your resulting words and actions, you can climb in the driver’s seat to make alterations on your current road.
If you’ve been an MIA, authoritarian, or permissive parent, you can change that. You can become a parent who is in healthy authority over your kid. You can learn how to draw him in rather than drive him away.
Remember when I talked about my naughty cocker spaniel running away with the puzzle piece so we couldn’t complete the picture? Think of your child as that complex puzzle. He’s been built piece by piece with every experience he’s had and the way he’s perceived those experiences. But there’s one missing piece right in the middle of his puzzle. It’s you.
You’re the one he wants to please. You’re the one he longs to have attention from. You’re the one he desires unconditional love from.
So don’t delay. The completion of this puzzle is the most important thing you’ll ever do in life.