What an attention getter is and how to get one to pay attention to you in the right way.
“Look at me!” your seven-year-old son calls to you as he hangs upside down from the tree in front of your house.
“No, look at me. See how high I can jump,” your nine-year-old says louder. She jumps up and smacks the tree, nearly knocking her brother down.
“Hey, quit it,” your son says.
“No, you quit it,” your daughter fires back.
And the sibling war is on, all for your viewing enjoyment.
Or your 12-year-old walks in, flourishing his math test with a big red B at the top. “Look, Dad! I didn’t flunk this time. Isn’t that awesome?” And you all celebrate because math is not this kid’s forte.
Kids love attention. It’s inherent in their nature from babyhood on. And they’ll do nearly anything to be noticed, especially by their parents.
That’s why they do all the crazy things they do, like smearing themselves with green Jell-O and running around the house screaming, “The aliens have landed!” right in the middle of your Skype call with work.
But some kids’ goal for living is not only to get attention but to be the center of attention. If they can’t get attention positively from you, they’ll seek it negatively. After all, any attention is better than none at all.
They’ll become what I call “attention getters.”
I Only Count When . . .
Your baby girl starts crying. You whisk into the room. Your three-year-old is holding the baby’s hand, which has two red semicircles that look like teeth marks.
“Did you bite your sister?” you say, shocked.
Your three-year-old has never showed any tendency to be mean. What happened?
It’s simple. Your three-year-old resents that new yelling thing in the house. She hates how much time you’re spending with “it” and the lack of attention on her. You used to cuddle with her at night and read to her. Now all she gets is a quick tuck into bed and a “good night” before you whisk off to take care of “it.”
When she’d had enough of being ignored, she did what she knew would make you come running. She chomped on her sister’s hand, knowing the baby would scream. And it worked. You weren’t happy, but you did come running. And you certainly gave her attention.
If you have a kid who’s actively trying to get your attention, you’ll know it. That’s because he or she is usually right in your face doing something annoying.
It’s your seven-year-old chanting, “Can we, huh? Can we, huh? Can we, huh?” like a cuckoo clock with OCD so you can’t hear the 10:00 news. He won’t go away until you promise to take him to the store the next day to get the latest hot athletic shoes.
Then there’s your social drama queen who thinks you never pay attention to her. “Hello, am I invisible?” she says. “I’m, like, right here but nobody listens.” And that’s after you heard her rant for half an hour about so-and-so #1 at school who’s no longer friends with so-and-so #2, because so-and-so #3 knew that some boy liked so-and-so #2 and told so-and-so #1 but not so-and-so #2. Your head was swimming as you tried to follow the chain of who was who.
Or it’s your 15-year-old who complains, “Peas again? How come you always make peas? Just because Nitwit over there likes peas, why do I have to suffer?” You admit, this is the second time this week that you’ve made peas, but at least in between you made your 15-year-old’s favorite—green beans . . . that is, if kids have favorite vegetables.
Are you irritated by your kid’s behavior? Is the phrase “Stop doing that” a well-worn part of your vocabulary? Then you don’t have to guess. It’s clear that one or more of your kids is an attention getter.
Problem is, when you say “Stop doing that,” you’re only affirming the pattern of attention getting because the misbehavior is paying off with attention. Remember, a child will only continue a pattern of behavior as long as it’s beneficial to her. So when her life mantra has become “I only count when I’m the center of the attention,” she can’t stop. She has to keep striving for attention.
How Kids Get That Way
Firstborns and onlies are used to being the center of attention in their parents’ world. That’s why those birth orders have the highest possibility of becoming attention getters in the family.
For onlies, that attention usually remains and often intensifies as the child grows older. That’s especially true if one parent is critical-eyed, often commenting on what the child could do better or differently. And heaven help that kid if he has two critical-eyed parents. With all that stress, he’ll either turn it inward and end up with ulcers at age 22, or he’ll rebel outwardly against the pressure by refusing to be and do what he knows his parents want him to.
The only child doesn’t compete with siblings but often competes with his parents’ careers. Just because he’s an only child doesn’t mean he gets more attention from his parents. Often they are at work or occupied with work.
For firstborns, their center of gravity changes when siblings come along. Those smaller humans garner more of their parents’ attention.
That’s when problems arise. Firstborns have to work harder to get any attention. Usually they begin by trying to jump over their parents’ high bars of expectation, which means helping out with their younger sibling or striving to be the best at everything. They’re already used to having the critical parental eye focused on them, but now it gets even worse.
When they do get attention, it’s often negative: “You should keep an eye out for your little sister. She doesn’t know any better, but you do.” Or, “You’re the role model for your brother now.”
But that firstborn knows she can never be perfect, so she’s defeated before she starts. As hard as she tries, she can’t get as much attention as she used to. Discouragement settles in.
Since all the things she used to do to get attention—such as drawing Mom a picture or bringing Dad coffee on a quiet Saturday morning—now are distant memories, she has to think of new ways to get attention. And I can guarantee her parents won’t like many of those creative attention-getting ways.
Middleborns are used to not having attention since they’re sandwiched between the oldest, who gets attention for being the trailblazer, and the baby, who gets attention because he’s youngest and also a born entertainer. That’s why middleborns don’t naturally become attention getters at home. Instead, they seek attention in social spheres outside the home, making friends far and wide. They’re the one birth order that you have to go out of your way to seek out, because they’re not as likely to come to you unless they really want something.
Babies of the family love attention and naturally get it since they’re younger and act helpless so parents and siblings come to their rescue. Most babies don’t have to work hard to get that attention because they’re usually doing something loud, such as galloping like a horse down the hallway, or something crazy, such as seeing if their tongue really does stick on an icicle. Their curiosity drives them to do things like sprinkle an entire box of baking soda in the washer.
But if that baby is at the end of a long train of kids and the parents are worn down, he can feel ignored. A baby craves attention for everything he does. On the positive side, he’s the sweet kid who is first to talk with Grandma on the phone and arrange birthday parties for his siblings. But if he lacks attention for doing positive things, he’ll swiftly turn to antics that will force you to pay attention.
I ought to know, because I was a baby of the family who did exactly that to get attention from my parents. And because I tended to experience fewer consequences for my behavior, like many babies of the family, I continued that behavior. When I look back at all the things I did, it’s a wonder my saintly mother stayed saintly. She was in the principal’s office even more than I was.
A huge majority of kids today are attention getters. Ask any teacher for confirmation of that fact.
“Anthony, please don’t kick Amanda’s chair,” a third-grade teacher says.
He looks up. “Uh, okay.”
But five minutes later he’s back at it again, eyeing her to see if she noticed.
Mark is the freshman class clown. “He never takes anything seriously,” the vice principal tells you. “The other day, right in the middle of his English essay test, he leaped up, whooped, and started dancing down the aisle. It disturbed all the other students.”
You’re not surprised. That’s your son, all right.
What you don’t see, though, is why he’s interrupting that class. He may not look serious, but deep inside he’s discouraged. He’s not good enough in anything else to stack up to the other kids, so he’s got to do something that shows he’s unique.
What Most Parents Do
When faced with negative attention-getting behavior, most parents tend toward extremes.
None of those extremes help solve the reason for the misbehavior. It only accentuates the misbehavior because the kid is more desperate and determined to be noticed. It also heats up your own emotions, and you’re more likely to lose control.
Any reaction you give encourages your child to repeat their behavior. If you ignore that attention-getting behavior, lay down the law, or up the ante enough, you’ll have the makings of a power-driven child, which is the subject of the next chapter.
What Parents Should Do
Every March or April a childhood buddy of mine and I try to do a fishing trip together. We use tiny, barbless hooks so we’re kind to the fish, and most of the time they go right back in the water unless it’s a big trout that would make a great dinner.
There’s one thing I learned a long time ago. If I want to catch that big, beautiful trout, I can’t jerk the line. I have to play with it and bring the fish in very carefully.
You also have to fish carefully for your children’s hearts to keep them in your pond and not someone else’s. So what can you do if your kid is an attention getter?
Pay special attention to positive things your child does and mention them in private.
Who doesn’t appreciate a compliment? It will go a long way toward healing your child’s discouragement. When you talk to him in private, that’s extra-special, just-for-him attention that his siblings don’t get. But the attention is for positive behavior, not negative behavior. It will spur your child on to do more positive things since he knows you’re paying attention to him for those things.
Every time your child does something positive, remember to smile and say, “Thank you. I really appreciate that and you.”
When your child demands attention, don’t immediately give it to him.
If you are on the phone when the dog and pony show starts with your child, move to another room and let him continue on his own. If he’s tugging at you, demanding attention, finish what you are doing first.
Explore your child’s interests with her.
When children seek attention, they’re saying, “I want you in my world, and I don’t spend enough time with you.” So as much as that misbehavior bothers you, it’s also good news. Your kid actually likes you and sees you as her number one important person.
When your child isn’t misbehaving, comment on an interest she seems to have. For instance, “I’ve noticed how much time you spend in our backyard. You seem to find a lot of interesting bugs and leaves. The next time you find one, I’d love to see it.”
Showing interest in your child’s world also derails her from the quest for negative attention. When she’s focused on finding bugs and leaves in the backyard, she won’t pinch her brother, fight with her sister, or try to draw you in.
Highlight your child’s uniqueness in your family and encourage her to contribute.
Kids who are feeling lost in the shuffle won’t scramble as much for attention if you naturally give it to them. Think about each of your kids. What contributions can they uniquely make to your family?
Perhaps your 12-year-old is a budding creative cook. Why not ask her to make a snack for your family? In the process she gets to bask in the light of your positive attention. She’s thinking, Hey, Mom noticed I like to be in the kitchen. Maybe I can try making some brownies with mint frosting. Everybody in the family likes chocolate and mint.
Before long, she’ll be so busy thinking up recipes she won’t have time for negative antics. And when she makes something good, even those siblings of hers might compliment her. That would help family dynamics all around.
The best antidote to attention-getting behavior is giving positive attention.
Rewind
Let’s look at those three situations from earlier in the chapter and replay them with a positive-attention response.
The Seven-Year-Old Cuckoo Clock
Your seven-year-old chants, “Can we, huh? Can we, huh? Can we, huh?” like a cuckoo clock with OCD so you can’t hear the 10:00 news. He won’t go away until you promise to take him to the store the next day to get the latest hot athletic shoes.
Your response: Your eyes don’t move from the news, as hard as that is. When a commercial comes on, you turn toward him and say, “No, we can’t go tomorrow.”
“Why?”
If you could keep track of how many times that kid said, “Why?” you’d be as brilliant as Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking.
“We might have been able to go tomorrow, but you chose to interrupt me when you are supposed to be in bed.”
“But Dad . . .”
“Now if you ask me kindly in a day or two, when I’m not busy, I might have a different response. Good night.” And you go back to your TV watching.
That response might sound negative at first. It was too hard to ignore his cuckoo-clock behavior, so you chose to wait and address it during the commercial. He didn’t receive a reward for his negative behavior. There would be no trip to the store. But you introduced the concept that asking nicely and during an appropriate time would garner a different response.
Good job in retraining that kid.
The Social Drama Queen
Your social drama queen claims you never pay attention to her. “Hello, am I invisible?” she says. “I’m, like, right here but nobody listens.” And that’s after you heard her rant for half an hour about so-and-so #1 at school who’s no longer friends with so-and-so #2, because so-and-so #3 knew that some boy liked so-and-so #2 and told so-and-so #1 but not so-and-so #2. Your head was swimming as you tried to follow the chain of who was who.
Your response: “Hmm, that’s funny. I just heard you say . . .,” and you repeat back to her the muddy conversation that you thought you heard for the past half hour. As you ramble on, she starts to look confused.
You don’t address her snotty “invisible” comments. You don’t throw back in her face, “Young lady, what do you mean I wasn’t listening? I’ve been listening to you for a whole half hour.” Instead, you snow her with her own words, then walk away, leaving her stunned since you didn’t give her a chance to interject.
Later, you pick one thing out of her long blathery session to comment on: “Earlier you mentioned how bad you felt for your friend when she didn’t know a boy liked her. You were embarrassed on her behalf. That shows you have a kind heart. I saw it that time the other girls were picking on the new girl in your class, and you invited her to come to our house after school. . . .”
You’ve refocused her negative behavior in a positive direction—on someone other than herself. Every hormone-group member needs a good dose of that.
The 15-Year-Old Pea Hater
Your 15-year-old complains, “Peas again? How come you always make peas? Just because Nitwit over there likes peas, why do I have to suffer?” You admit, this is the second time this week that you’ve made peas, but at least in between you made your 15-year-old’s favorite—green beans.
Your response: “Ah, I guess you’re right. We did have peas twice this week.”
It’s a simple, straightforward statement that ignores his “Nitwit” and “suffer” comments. You go back to your dinner. “Mmm, good.”
You don’t give your kid what he’s fishing for—a family fight. His efforts fall as flat as those smushed peas on his dinner plate.
Later, you notice that he’s downstairs working out, and that he’s starting to get what look like muscles. “I’m impressed. What you’re doing takes a lot of discipline, and you’ve been doing it every night for two weeks. You also seem to be researching different diets to build more muscles. I’d like to hear more about that when you’re ready to tell me.”
You start to walk away, then turn back. “If you find a good vegetable other than peas and green beans, let me know. Maybe we can have that for dinner next week.”
And that’s the way you do it. A sense of humor goes a long way in parenting. So does appreciating your kids for who they are, highlighting the positive things they do, and encouraging them in their interests.
One of the best things you can say to a kid is, “You worked so hard on that. That has to feel good.”
This type of comment hits four bases: it grants them positive attention, boosts their self-worth, starts to transform their life theme of “I only count when . . . ,” and grows your relationship with your child.
Now that’s a home run.