What it is (and isn’t), why punishment never works, and why RD is the way to roll.
Imagine for a moment that you’re a sheep on a hillside. I’m your shepherd for the day. I check my iPhone and see that the weather is rapidly changing. To keep the herd safe and dry, I have to move you and all your sheep buddies from point A to point B.
I say, “Hey, sheep, listen up. For your good, we need to move from Valley A to Valley B. Let’s get going. Just follow me.”
What happens next?
A few of you will cross your woolly arms and say, “Nuh-uh, I’m not going. I don’t feel like it.”
How would you feel if I whaled you on the side with a stick to get you moving in that direction?
Yes, you may move, but you certainly wouldn’t be happy about it. You’d resent me inwardly, even if you obeyed me outwardly.
Many people rear their kids that way and claim that, sooner or later, they’ll fall in line.
Or what if the shepherd said, “You know, I have a suggestion. The weather is turning not-so-good, and I think we ought to move somewhere . . . if you’re okay with it, I mean.”
Do you think those sheep would move? Nuh-uh. They’d ignore you and go on eating grass on the hillside.
Sheep and kids wouldn’t respond well in either situation.
But let’s say this scene happened where I grew up in upstate New York, along the mighty Niagara River that flows to those majestic falls out onto Lake Ontario. If those sheep were being led along the swiftly flowing waters and one fell in, what would happen to the other 99?
They’d follow, like sheep do. Especially since, as cute and big-eyed and soft as sheep are, they’re not exactly real bright. Neither are your kids since, with all due respect, they haven’t been around the block for long yet.
Soon all those sheep will be floundering in the current of the great Niagara. In a short while, one sheep says to another, “Hey, what’s that mist down there? Do you see what I see? Or is that my imagination?”
They’ll float around a bend and discover Niagara Falls, and that’s the end of the sheep.
Sometimes you have to say to your kids, “Nope, you’re not going to walk alongside that raging river. You’re not going to that place to hang out with the other kids.”
“Why?” they’ll inevitably shoot your way. “Everybody else is doing it.”
“Because I love you, and you’re my sheep and not someone else’s. Baa . . .”
Did you catch that important line? “You’re my sheep and not someone else’s.” Everything that happens between you and your child creates and impacts your relationship, including how you handle misbehavior.
What Discipline Really Is and Isn’t
When you think of discipline, what pops into your mind? For some of you, you grew up with the idea of discipline as punishment, most often in the form of something painful inflicted on your backside or the threat of grounding.
Punishment, though, never works. What you think about your child’s misbehavior is critically important. If you think of his behavior as “bad” and label him as “bad” for acting the way he does, there will only be one thing on your mind: retaliation and revenge.
How could he treat me like that? I’m his mother.
This kid needs to learn a lesson. How can I hammer him into submission so he’ll never do that again?
Oh, so you wanna play that way, do you? Well, what you give to me, I’ll give back to you and then some. Watch me.
Punishment is often exacted too quickly—on the fly or in the heat of the moment. It is a gut reaction instead of a planned response. Often the punishment far outweighs the crime.
Have you ever punished your kid with grounding for a week? How long did that last? A day? A few hours, until the kid being at home all the time drove you crazy?
You see, kids know when we can’t follow through on our threats. They simply wait for us to simmer down and lay low somewhere. But do they learn anything?
Well, yes, they do. They learn how to manipulate us even more because now they know we’ll fly off the handle and won’t follow through on our threats.
Instead, what if you thought of misbehavior as simply behavior that’s going in the wrong direction and needs an about-face for the child’s good?
If you think of that as the definition of misbehavior, you’ll be less heated and reactive in the moment. You’ll count to 10 before you open your mouth and insert your foot. You’ll wait for an appropriate moment before you say quietly, “I don’t appreciate what you did. We need to talk about this after dinner. I’ll come to your room at 7:00 to discuss it.”
This is a far cry from blurting out, “How could you do that? What an idiot. We’ll talk about this later, and then you’ll really get it.” You give a timeline and give yourself a bit of space to think through a plan that’s workable, not a pie-in-the-sky invention you can’t make good on.
Punishment says, “If you don’t do this right now, I’m gonna make you pay, and pay big.” In contrast, discipline is a thoughtful plan of action intended not to inflict pain but to shape a child’s future with his long-term good in mind (as well as the rest of the planet’s). The follow-up action fits and doesn’t exceed the crime. It puts the ownership of the misbehavior exactly where it belongs—in the offender’s court.
You don’t steal that ball of misbehavior and travel illegally with it to your side of the court. You don’t try to make amends on your child’s behalf so he’s not embarrassed, inconvenienced, or uncomfortable. Sometimes kids need to be uncomfortable in order to change.
You also don’t slam-dunk the ball on your kid’s head for that misbehavior. You don’t hammer him into the ground until he has to stop that behavior and obey.
If you use punishment as a technique in parenting and you’ve experienced any abuse in your past, there’s an even greater risk that you might fly out of control and step outside safe boundaries in dealing with your kids. That’s why it’s critical to use discipline rather than punishment. Keeping control of your emotions and dealing with the issue in a straightforward manner are critical.
Simply stated, punishment is something you do to the child. Discipline is something you do yourself on the child’s behalf.
Do You React or Respond?
If you’re taking a medication and you start reacting to it, that’s bad. If you respond to it, that’s good.
There’s a huge difference between reacting and responding in parenting. When you react, you act in the heat of the moment, without engaging your brain first. You do what comes naturally, which nine times out of ten isn’t the best action for you or your kid.
You lambaste him with:
Reactions are filled with insults, which later you’ll feel guilty about, and threats, which you’ll never make good on. The ugly interactions and aftermath tear down your relationship with your child, who thinks, If you believe I’m an idiot, you want to disown me, and you don’t trust me, why should I even try?
After the event, the guilt you feel for losing control drives you to do all sorts of dumb things, like buy your child presents to try to win back his affection, or make promises you’ll never keep, such as, “I’m so sorry. That was over the top. I’ll never say anything like that again.” Yet you do, even a day or so later.
Opening your mouth to insert your foot is never a productive process.
Reactions will provoke attention-starved children to move to stage two, becoming power-driven children who make you pay attention. Then if you still don’t give them the attention they crave—which is loving them enough to discipline them rather than punish them—they move to stage three, where they are past caring what you think or say. All they want is revenge and seek to retaliate against you and every other person in the world they feel has hurt, belittled, or ignored them.
But when you respond to your child’s misbehavior, you step back from the heat of the moment and count to 10 before you say or do anything. In those few seconds, you breathe deeply and allow your brain to engage.
We all want a good education for our kids. Remember, children will role-model what they see. What are you teaching your kids? Are you doing what your parents did? Are you proactively living a disciplined life? Kids watch and learn from you.
Some “experts” these days advise getting in touch with and following your feelings. That’s terrible advice. If you and I followed our feelings for 30 days, we’d be cellmates in the county jail.
Someone cuts you off on the freeway; follow your feelings and ram them from behind. Someone of the opposite sex looks good to you; run up and hug them.
You can’t live a life like that.
Instead, take those precious 10 seconds to think, What did I use to do in this situation? X, X, and X. Was that helpful? No. So what should I do differently this time?
That’s a far better way to live.
It also keeps the focus on the event instead of pivoting the focus to the person. Even if you don’t like your child’s misbehavior, you should never denigrate the child. Do you like to be called “stupid” or “idiot” or anything remotely close to that? Well, neither does your child.
What Is Reality Discipline?
Reality discipline focuses the attention on the misbehavior, not the child, and offers real-life consequences for that behavior. The person disciplining stays in control. He doesn’t issue threats. She doesn’t excuse the behavior. Instead, reality discipline puts the responsibility for the action squarely where it should be—in the corner of the actor (which in this case is your child).
How does it work?
Your 12-year-old is a smart-mouth, but even he outdid himself on this Saturday morning. You’re a single mom who already has it tough, and that kid had the gall to say to you, “I hate your guts. You are so stupid. You never understand anything.”
Can you relate? If you can’t, you’ve never had a 12-year-old. Your time is coming, trust me.
At that moment, you don’t say anything as he storms off. As one mom told me, “I retreat in my mind to a green summer field with beautiful daisies and pretend I’m picking them for a few minutes as my anger subsides.”
You bide your time. Your teachable moment comes later that afternoon, when he’s got a 2:00 soccer game.
At 1:30 he says, “Come on, Mom, we gotta go.”
You look at him with a deadpan expression. “Go where?”
His eyes widen. “Mom. Hello, I have a game. I’m the goalie. We gotta go. Come on.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” you say in an even tone.
“Mom! What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what time it is?”
“I think you know what’s wrong.”
He rolls his eyes. “Oh, you’re mad about this morning, aren’t you?”
You shrug. “I’m not sure mad is the right word. Perhaps disappointed is.”
That son of yours mentally scrambles for what to say and hits on what he thinks are the magic words. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“I appreciate you saying you’re sorry. Thank you. I forgive you.”
He smiles. Ah, that was easy, he thinks. Got everything resolved. So she likes those words, huh? I’ll store them for future use. “Great! Then come on, let’s go. I’ll be late for the game.”
What do you say then? “No.” You stick to the decision you’ve already made that he’s going to miss that game today.
Is it hard to stick to your guns? You bet. You’re also thinking about the other kids who will pay for it if their goalie is missing, and the parents who will give you grief for not bringing your child to the game. Worse, your son’s baby blues, the eyes that looked so lovingly at you when he was younger, are now regarding you with disbelief and betrayal.
Still, if you back down now, you’ll lose everything you’re working for.
“No, you’re not going anywhere today.”
“But Mom, I said I was sorry.”
“And I forgave you. But you’re still not going anywhere today.”
Your son will try to argue with you, stomp away, and then come back to plead. When even pleading doesn’t work, he’ll turn on the waterworks in those baby blues.
But you still stick to your decision, Mom. Back down now, and guess who you are putting in the driver’s seat of your family car? You got it, that 12-year-old. His misbehavior of disrespect won’t stop. He will only remember that, after dissing you, all he needs to do is come to you to say, “I’m sorry.” Then he can go on his merry way to his activity.
Would he learn anything, though? Except how to effectively manipulate his mother?
Reality discipline puts the responsibility where it should be. After all, that’s the way life works, isn’t it? Don’t do your homework and the teacher gives you a big fat F. Don’t do your work at your job and you’ll get reprimanded or fired. Betray a friend and he’s not likely to circle back around to befriend you again. Nobody in those situations is going to give you a second chance.
So, parent, let reality do the talking instead of you. Let your child experience real-life consequences instead of made-up fantasyland ones.
Believe me, when your son’s soccer friends give him the what-for because he didn’t show and he has to scramble to figure out what to say, he’s going to be embarrassed enough not to want to do it again. If the other parents ask you where you were, tell them honestly. “I didn’t appreciate my son’s disrespectful mouth in the morning, so I kept him home.”
Sure, some die-hard soccer parents may give you grief, but then again, they’re the ones embarrassing their kids anyway by yelling at them on the field, “What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you make that goal?” But the majority of parents will be looking at you with awe. Wow, if only I had the guts to do that.
For you, it’s a win-win all around: a more respectful kid who knows he can’t get away with murder, and a respectful peer group that admires you. But most important, you’re establishing your authority over your child in a healthy way. There is no emotional haranguing and no punishment. You aren’t reacting to the situation and your “bad” child. Instead, you are proactively taking the reins to discourage the situation from happening again.
Simply stated, you’re holding your child accountable for his mouth. After all, you are responsible for your own mouth, aren’t you? Then why shouldn’t he be?
Reality discipline has everything to do with developing your relationship with your child. Punishment tears down that relationship; discipline builds it up.
When you hold your child accountable for his behavior and allow him to experience real-life consequences for it, he grows into the type of healthy adult you’d like him to be:
That is, after all, what you’re aiming for—a balanced, healthy adult—right?
Setting Boundaries That Work
Parents ask me all the time about whether or not they should have rules for their kids. Children feel safest with boundaries set so they know what to expect. Some rules are no-brainers and necessary, like “Thou shalt not cross the street when a car is driving past at light speed.” But children work best with guidelines that they help set themselves—age-appropriately, of course. It’s a bit harder to rebel against your own rules.
If you gathered your kids and asked them, “What rules do you think we should have in this house?” some of their first answers would be silly: “We get to eat cookies for breakfast every day” and “The person who forgets to put the toilet seat down gets a swirly.” But when they get more serious, their answers will be far more stringent than the guidelines you might come up with:
See what I mean? Of course, it’s more fun to come up with ideas to discipline others than it is to be the recipient of that discipline. Then the thrill fades quickly, especially if you’re the one to be treated to a swirly. But as your kids grow older, it’s even more important to let them be in the driver’s seat of their own discipline. After all, how will they learn about holding themselves accountable if you rule the roost and tell them what to do?
So I did my best to hold all five of my kids accountable. Here’s one example.
When my daughter Krissy was a teenager and had the family car at an out-of-town football game, she phoned to ask, “Dad, what time do I need to be home?”
“Honey, you know what time,” I said. “Be home at a reasonable hour.”
“But Dad, what time do I need to be home? I’m at the pizza place, and the team isn’t even here yet.”
“Then you don’t want to come home yet, do you?”
“No, and that’s why I’m calling you. What time do I need to be home?”
Again I said, “Just be home at a reasonable hour.”
“Okay,” she said with some annoyance. Then there was the click of the phone.
Forty minutes later, she woke me up for the second time. It was now 10 minutes after midnight. “Dad, this is Krissy.”
I never would have guessed.
“What time do I need to be home?”
“Be home at a reasonable hour,” I mumbled, half asleep.
“Dad, would you just tell me what time I need to be home?”
I could hear the flailing of her arms on the other side of the phone.
“Krissy, you’re 16 years old, you’ve got good brains in your head, and you’ve got the family car. Just be home at a reasonable hour.”
“Okay.” Click.
Thirty-five minutes later—and you as a parent know this feeling of not being able to truly fall asleep until all your kids are in the nest—I was still awake. I heard the garage door open. Footsteps came in the door. I looked at my bedside clock. It was 12:45.
I smiled. Krissy had booked it home right after I’d told her she had good brains in her head. Her actions proved her good decision-making skills and that she was dependable with the family car.
It’s easy to say to a kid, “Here are the rules.” It’s more difficult to say, “I trust you, I believe in you, and you have good judgment. I’ll be right here in your corner, cheering for you.”
Some of you are already thinking, Good for you that you have a responsible kid. If I told my son that, he’d never come home.
Then a good dose of reality discipline should follow. That kid wouldn’t go out the door with the family car again anytime soon.
So here’s my suggestion. Believe the best and you’ll get the best . . . most of the time. But don’t be surprised when your kids are kids and they misbehave. Then look for the teachable moment—like not giving him the car keys when he wants to go to the mall a week later—and let reality do the talking instead of you.
Enough said?
Keeping a Long-Term Perspective
One last caveat: Only use discipline when it counts. That means you pick your battles carefully or you can run the risk of overdoing it. You won’t like every one of your child’s behaviors. But not every misbehavior is a hill to die on.
Does it honestly matter if your teenager dyes her hair blue? The dye will eventually fade, or she’ll figure out that the new color doesn’t go with her current wardrobe.
If your four-year-old has to line up all her stuffed animals before bedtime and it takes her an hour, but she pitches a fit if you try to hurry her up, then tell her an hour earlier that it’s time to be heading to bed. That will give her the time to nest that she wants (make sure it’s without you and she doesn’t pull you into her organizing world), and she’ll get to bed on time.
If your eight-year-old never cleans his room, leave it be. He’ll get around to cleaning it when he can’t find his baseball glove.
If your 11-year-old son drinks out of the milk jug and that drives you crazy, buy two gallons of milk instead of one. Mark his with his name in bold black letters. It’ll keep you from running to the store as often since he drinks a quart with every bowl of cereal, and the rest of the family will be happier that he doesn’t drain their gallon of milk.
You see, we parents often major on minors, the little annoyances that drive us bonkers. Instead, let reality do the talking. That 16-year-old son who insists on multiple ear piercings and a nose ring will soon find out that he may have a tough time getting a summer job.
When I was assistant dean of students at the University of Arizona, I chuckled at the transitions in students’ appearances from freshman orientation through senior year. At freshman orientation, a boy was usually decked out in Mom-approved wear—fresh haircut, clean khakis, and so on. Within a month or so after Mama was out the door, that boy started to look scruffy and unshaven, and those khakis were crumpled or replaced with ripped jeans. Sometimes an earring or two was added, as well as a more rebellious attitude. By senior year, though, that boy was back to Mom-approved wear, sans earrings because he had to go to job interviews.
If you’re the parent of a teenager, have patience and ride out the wave. Your alien will return to looking like your child sooner or later.
Trends come and go. Keep the focus on your relationship and you’ll never be out of style or go wrong.