Q & A with Dr. Kevin Leman: Thinking and Acting Your Way to Behavioral Change
The hottest questions parents ask . . . and expert, practical advice you can live by.
Irresponsible, Bratty Kids
Q: We had our son and daughter later in life and were really happy to finally have kids. But sometimes I wonder if we’re doing too much for them. Lately we’ve been getting a lot of attitude.
The other day my son said to me, “What is your problem? Why isn’t my history paper done? It’s due tomorrow.” And my daughter is often late for school and wants me to write notes for her so she doesn’t get unexcused tardies. I really hate having to come up with something when I know it’s because she was too lazy to get up on time or spent too long deciding what outfit to wear.
How can we stop this train and help our kids become more responsible and less bratty? Sometimes I feel like their servant.
A: Seriously, you do your son’s homework for him? You make excuses for your daughter when she doesn’t show up for school on time? Really? Are you going to follow them to college and their first job to make sure they’re happy and comfortable every moment there too?
If you think you’re doing those things for your kids, take a good look in the mirror. You’re not doing them for your kids. You’re doing them for you, because the thought of your son and daughter being unhappy, struggling, failing, and not being able to compete with their peers drives you crazy.
But here’s the irony. Doing anything for your kids that they could do for themselves actually accomplishes the opposite of what you truly want. It ruins their chance for success in life because it weakens their resolve, kills their resilience, tears down their self-concept, and diminishes their desire to do anything in life on their own.
If that’s what you’re after, keep doing what you’re doing. If not, consider this: Talk to any successful person and you’ll find struggle and failure aplenty in their past. Take me, for example. I was such a poor student that I was stuck in the low-reading group with the kids who ate paste and flunked a class twice in high school. The only way I could get into college was on probation. Most people thought I’d amount to nothing. But here I am, with a doctorate to boot—all because a wise mom let me experience some things in life the hard way to wake me up and get me on the right track.
If you snowplow the roads of life for your kids—doing things they could and should do for themselves, making all their decisions for them—you rob them of developing psychological muscles they need to not only contribute to society but be a decent human being.
Your kids need to struggle, fail, and feel the sting of their mistakes sometimes. Failure and mistakes are steps on the road to success. Look at it this way. If you’re happy and everything is going well, are you motivated to change? No. It’s when things aren’t going well that you start thinking, Hmm, that didn’t work so well. Maybe I should try something different next time.
The same is true for your child. An unhappy child is a healthy child. That unhappiness will prompt him to consider doing things differently . . . if you don’t give in, feel guilty for his unhappiness, and fix the situation for him. If you do, you’re not fixing the situation. You’re making the next one, and the rest of his life, worse.
So stop doing your son’s homework. Leave it right where he puts it on the table. When he says the next morning, “Why isn’t it done?” you shrug.
“I don’t know. Why isn’t it done? You’d know that best, since it’s your homework.” Then go get busy doing something else.
He won’t believe what he’s hearing. He’ll think you have his homework stashed somewhere and are fooling him. Then cold reality hits, and he panics. “But Mom, if I don’t turn it in, I’ll get an F. He’s a tough teacher, and he won’t cut me slack.”
“Well, then you’ll get an F.”
“If I get an F, he’ll tell my coach, and I’ll be sidelined until my grades improve,” he argues.
“I know you’ll work it out somehow,” you say.
He sweats all day until that history class, while you walk around at home with a big smile, knowing that kid might attack his homework as soon as he gets home.
When your daughter wants that note, say with a smile, “Sure, I’ll write it.” But here’s what you write:
Dear Principal,
My daughter was too lazy to get out of bed this morning, so she’s late to school. Please do to her what you do to kids who are late without a justifiable reason. Thank you very much.
Yes, she’ll be embarrassed, especially if she’s used to you writing notes for her and doesn’t even look at it first. Just in case she does decide to look at that note, prepare in advance. Set your phone to silent and stash it far from you. Don’t check her texts until the end of her school day.
Since you’ve gone to such lengths, it’s highly likely that daughter of yours will be out of bed right when her alarm goes off tomorrow.
Don’t snowplow your kid’s roads. Every child needs to learn to shovel a little snow, even if they live in Southern California.
Chore Slacker
Q: We want our kids, who are 12 and 14, to have a good work ethic, so we assign them rotating chores. For example, in the month of January our 12-year-old is responsible for dishes on Wednesdays and Fridays, and our 14-year-old is responsible for vacuuming twice a week. In February they switch. We also give our kids a weekly allowance and expect them to buy their own school clothes because we want them to learn how to be financially responsible.
Lately, though, our 12-year-old is getting into a pattern of not doing his chores. When I confront him about it, he complains we give him too much work to do.
So we went the next step and fined him by taking money out of his allowance. For every night he misses, we deduct 10 bucks. It’s not working. He’s still missing his chores. Any suggestions? It’s not that we couldn’t do the work ourselves, but we want to raise responsible kids.
A: Good for you. You’ve got the right goal in mind. It’s merely your follow-through that needs some work. If you’re giving him a generous allowance, deducting 10 bucks probably isn’t enough.
How much would it cost you to get a person to come in and vacuum your house for the night? Or spend an hour washing the dishes and cleaning your kitchen? Hop online and get an estimate of a professional service and print that out. Then, when it’s time to provide his allowance, tuck that estimate inside and deduct the amount from his personal envelope.
He won’t be happy. Then again, neither are you, because he’s not doing his fair share at home. But this next week, that boy is likely going to be doing those dishes or vacuuming. If he doesn’t, you go round two or three until there’s nothing left in that envelope.
Stand firm on this one. You can’t afford to back down.
If he really is so busy that he can’t help his family out, he’s too busy and needs to cut down on his extracurricular activities. The rule in our family was one activity per semester, since we had five kids. Otherwise, we never would have intersected except at the drive-through.
Don’t Recognize My Kids after the Divorce
Q: I’m the parent of an 8-year-old and a 14-year-old. My husband split a year ago, and we’re in the process of getting a divorce. I’m the one who had to tell my kids. Since then, my once well-behaved kids have become a mess. My daughter who used to be sweet and sunny is now a major drama queen who can’t deal with anything. And I don’t even recognize half the words that fly out of my son’s mouth . . . if he’ll even talk to me.
I can’t help but think, This is my fault and my ex’s fault, not theirs. I even told them that. But they treat me like I’m the enemy, when all I’m trying to do is help them.
The other day my son hit the wall with his fist and yelled, “I hate you. I want to go live with Dad.” All because I said I couldn’t order the pizza he wanted to eat with his friends. It didn’t matter that we had a whole fridge of good food. He couldn’t have what he wanted.
That really hurt. Believe me, I wanted to send him to his dad . . . permanently. But I love both my kids, and I know the atmosphere at my home is much better. I won’t even go into the parade of affairs my ex had on the side, or the latest woman he lives with right now. My kids don’t know about those, and it’s all I can do to keep my mouth shut.
When it seems like I’m doing everything wrong, what can I do right? I need some help here.
A: There’s no such thing as an easy divorce—for anyone involved. Kids of divorce feel like a dried-out turkey wishbone after Thanksgiving, with Mom pulling at one end and Dad at the other. They may think:
Most parents launch into the “it’s not your fault” frenzy, thinking that’ll be easier on the kids. “This is between us, the adults,” they say. “It has nothing to do with you.”
Nothing to do with me? It has everything to do with me, a kid thinks. Such a sucker punch tears life apart as she knows it. To protect herself, she adopts one or more common defense mechanisms:
When you’re hurting too, what do your kids need most from you?
They need you to be the adult.
Divorce has dropped a bomb on your family, so your son will understandably be upset—more so if he’s already part of the hormone group. So give him some grace, but don’t excuse disrespect and foul language. Though the heat of the moment isn’t the best time to take on negative behaviors, the next day is fair game.
Say to him, “Let’s circle back to what happened yesterday. I know you’re hurting, but what you said really hurt me. I’m your mother, not your psychological punching bag. We will get through this tough time together, but I want to do that in a healthy way. I’ll do my part the best I can, and I need you to do your part the best you can too. Can we agree on that?”
Be the decisive leader your kid needs—supportive, understanding, positive, action oriented—and you’ll provide a stable environment even in a stressful time.
They don’t need to be bounced around like a rubber ball.
Guilt is the propellant for most lousy decisions after a divorce, so make as few changes as possible. Yes, you might need to switch housing or school districts, but keep things as close to “normal” as you can for your child—including staying connected to old friends.
With most divorces, parents want to do the 50/50 kid split, but that approach takes a toll on already stressed kids. That’s why—as improbable and crazy as it sounds—I tell divorcing couples, “If you’re so high on having to spend equal time with your kids, then you two move from place to place and let the kids stay in their own home.” After all, who’s the adult here?
They don’t need to play the “Dad versus Mom” game.
Your ex isn’t likely your favorite person, but don’t use your kids as a sounding board for your squabbles. Putting down your ex is only asking your kids to make him into “Father of the Year.” So for their sake, extend an olive branch—as much as he might not deserve it. Don’t extract information about what they did at your ex’s or who was there. You aren’t licensed to be a private eye.
Instead, provide a warm environment (food helps!) and some non-stressed space to return to. If they want to talk, believe me, they will—of their own volition—and you’ll learn a lot more than you would through any extraction technique known to humankind.
Power Struggle with Toddler
Q: We’re having a major power struggle with our three-year-old. She’s been potty trained since she was eighteen months old and has slept through the night. But lately she’s been getting up five or six times a night to go potty. Every time she does, she wanders down the hallway to find us and interrupts anything we’re doing.
My wife and I are exhausted and frustrated. We have no alone time anymore, and we’ve both got dark circles under our eyes. I don’t think there is a physical problem because after the third or fourth time every night, she’ll say, “Mom, Dad, are you mad?”
I think she’s manipulating us. How can we make her stay in bed?
A: You’re right. She is manipulating you, and you’re falling for it.
You have a strong-willed child, no doubt about it. But she didn’t get that way all by herself. Someone in the family taught her that misbehavior. I won’t point any fingers, but perhaps it’s one or both of her parents.
Now, there’s a one-in-a-million chance that there’s a medical reason your daughter has to go wee-wee that much. It might be good to ask the pediatrician at her next checkup. However, if that was the case, that child could get up, go potty without all the extra fanfare, and go back to bed.
In your case, I highly doubt there’s a medical reason. It’s all about pulling your parental chain. A big clue is in her question: “Mom, Dad, are you mad?” That cherub of yours knows exactly what she’s doing. If you’ve said “No, stay in bed” to her drink requests and said no to her requests for a fifth teddy bear to be added to her nighttime animals after she’s already in bed, but you’ve said yes to going potty, that little aha cemented itself in her brain. So if I say I have to go wee-wee, then I can get up and explore the house and find out what those big people are doing. And she has you over the proverbial barrel since you know kids have to go wee-wee, so it’s impossible for you to say no.
Parent, beware. Any pattern you set now will stay and might continue until she leaves for college. So there are times when you have to draw the line as a parent.
My firstborn, Holly, was strong-willed. One day when she was misbehaving, I put her in a chair in her bedroom and told her to stay in that seat. She didn’t. She came out and followed me. The second time I put her back in that chair, I went out and closed the door. When she tried to get out, I held the door shut.
I can hear some of you saying, “How could you? You might’ve done damage to your daughter’s psyche.”
No, that determined child is a very successful superintendent of a large school district today.
I’d never give you any advice that I wouldn’t use with my own child. So here it is: you need to play hardball now, while you’re still holding all the cards. Fact is, right now you can physically make her stay in that room. If she doesn’t learn now, what will she be like as a teenager?
As soon as a child knows you can make them stay in a room, they will back off. Most tykes don’t like the idea of a door being closed. That’s why when they go to bed, they say, “Leave the door open, Daddy.” And many kids like a night-light, which of course keeps the monsters under the bed from climbing out.
Since children crave routine and find safety in it, set a bedtime routine now. Then don’t let that powerful child work you.
Sande and I had Holly when we were young and dumb parents. She indeed was our experimental guinea pig, and we learned a lot about what not to do with the next four kids we’d have.
When Holly was getting ready for bed, she’d do her best to drag out the bedtime routine. She’d point to various things in the room and say, “I want that.” So I’d lovingly go and get that stuffed animal. As soon as I was back, she’d point to something else. “I want that.” So off Dad would go to get it.
By the time I was taking her to bed, I barely had room for little Holly in my arms. I was staggering under the load of so many stuffed animals and other paraphernalia. That kid who was shorter than a yardstick had ol’ Dad wound around her finger until I took my own advice as a psychologist.
So establish a bedtime routine. It might be reading a book or singing a song or saying a prayer together, if you’re a person of faith. Perhaps you then give your daughter a good-night kiss and hug and plug in the night-light. But after you say “Good night. I love you,” that’s it. The end. Finale. The kid stays in bed, and you go on with the rest of your adult life.
Don’t set yourself up for continuing failure. Be brief, loving, and firm in your rituals. Then say good night.
If she gets out of bed to go potty and trails down the hall after you instead of returning to her room, tell her, “Go back to your room. It’s bedtime.” If she doesn’t, you usher her back inside her room and close the door. You don’t tuck her back in. The bedtime routine is over. If she tries to come out that door, you hold it shut until she gets tired and falls asleep on the floor.
Since she’s used to manipulating you and having it work, it might take a few times of doing this to establish a new nightly routine. But remember, slow and steady wins the race. Be like the tortoise, not the hare.
Q: My 10-year-old boy is all action and hates to sit down and do homework. He brought home a report card with one A (in gym), two Bs, two Ds, and one F. When he did, I almost cheered—at least half of the grades were acceptable. Does that tell you anything about how bad his grades are in general?
How can I encourage him to do his homework? He seems to do better on tests, but he never gets the homework done or turned in.
A: That boy of yours ain’t dumb, Mama. He’s distracted. When he sits down to crack open that homework, he thinks of something else he’d rather do—like play baseball with the neighbor boys in his backyard.
Here’s what I’d try. Have a chat with that boy of yours. “Ethan, I know that doing homework isn’t your thing, but it’s a necessary part of school, like me getting groceries is necessary in order for you to have dinner and snacks. So we’re going to try something different. I’d like your opinion on this. If you could pick one spot at home to do your homework where you won’t be distracted by other things, where would that be?”
When you ask your child’s opinion, you get his attention. That’s far better than issuing the parental ultimatum: “Your grades are terrible. Tomorrow when you get home from school, you’ll have half an hour to play before starting your homework. And you’re not going to bed until you get it done.”
Those kinds of threats won’t do either of you any good. Your son knows you might be on the bandwagon for a day or two, but then you’ll get distracted with other things. Staying up late and not getting sleep won’t help either of you—in concentration or in mood.
Instead, to help your son make homework a priority, you need the right setup:
These simple steps will teach your son that there is a time and place to do homework, and he needs to accomplish it within that window. From 8:00 on is his time to engage with the rest of the family or do activities he wants to before his 10:00 bedtime.
“But Dr. Leman, you don’t know my kid,” you’re saying. “He’ll use that time to do anything but study, especially if I’m not watching him.”
Well, then you move to the next stage. “Ethan, I see by your report card that your grades and homework still aren’t improving. We’ve already set a quiet place and a time window for you to do your homework, but your teacher says it’s still not getting done. What else do you think we could do that would help you get it done?”
Give your son time to come up with options. Many of them will likely be crazy, including, “Quit school because I hate homework.”
You know how much he loves playing baseball with the neighbor kids after school, but you’ve got a teachable moment here. You gently lower the boom.
“You seem to have difficulty concentrating during those two hours we set aside. So for the next week, instead of playing baseball, I’d like you to have a snack and then some quiet time by yourself before dinner. Let’s see if that helps you settle in to study during those later two hours. You can play baseball on Saturday instead, if the boys have time.”
Okay, now you have your active son’s attention. “No, I’ll pay attention. I’ll get my work done. Really, I will.”
But you stick to your words. For the next five days, your son doesn’t play baseball. He has some quiet time to himself. You stick to the two-hour homework slot.
By the end of those five days, that boy will be zipping through his homework in the two-hour slot because he wants his baseball time back. Once his head is in the game and he’s used to the homework routine, you’ll be amazed at how those grades will improve.
Q: I have a 15-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son. Both complain all the time that I don’t give them enough. They want more. More clothes, more pizza nights out, more video games. I don’t have enough snacks, or the right kinds of snacks, in the house.
I’m so sick of their complaining. I give them a small allowance every Sunday to cover a few treats with friends and an occasional lunch at school if they forget to pack one from home, but they’re back with their hands out by Tuesday.
I work hard, and I’m not made of money. How can I halt this “gimme, gimme” behavior and make my kids grateful for what they have?
A: You can’t make your kids grateful. They have to be grateful on their own. However, you can help them realize that money doesn’t grow on trees through some practical techniques.
First, make a list of everything you normally buy for your kids on a monthly basis and approximately what each item costs. Add up the figures and you’ll likely be surprised. You say you’re not made of money, yet you still buy all those things for your kids. So why not help them learn to be responsible by giving them what you spend on them each month and letting them make their own purchases?
Lest you think that’s a crazy idea, I did it with all five of our kids. We gave them a good allowance every month, but they bought all of their personal stuff—clothes, deodorant, toothpaste, makeup, shoes, and so on. As a result, they became very good shoppers. Even when they were in college, they sought out discount stores and bought larger quantities of things they knew they’d need at a far cheaper price, then stored them in the closet or under their bed.
When your kids control their own money, they’ll begin to distinguish between basic needs and wants. They’ll also learn to make wise, age-appropriate choices and to be responsible for them long-term.
“But Dr. Leman,” you’re saying, “you don’t know my kids. They’d spend all that money the first week and then have nothing for the rest of the month.”
Then they don’t have money for the rest of the month. They might be squeezing that toothpaste tube hard, and they might not be able to buy shoes to go with that new outfit.
Sure, they might not make good choices in the beginning, but there’s no better place to learn how to save money and spend money wisely than at home. When kids are spending their own money (well, yours, but gifted to them each month), they’ll naturally begin watching how much items cost and will get an eye-opening education.
Second, teach them how to save money. I told my kids, “If you save a dollar this week, I’ll match that dollar.” That way they could get used to the idea of putting aside money for a rainy day and taking advantage of an employer matching fund someday.
Understanding the value of a buck will also nudge your kids in the direction of becoming more grateful for what they have in an increasingly self-entitled world.
Third, role-model generosity. If you see a need in someone’s life, do your best to meet that need. Help the elderly next-door neighbor grocery shop or buy a treat for her. Stock shelves at your local food pantry once a month. Being in contact with people who have far less can be a wake-up call for entitled kids. When they see how others live, they’ll start to see that even the needs they consider basic would be a dream come true for many others on the planet.
Q: Lately I’ve had this uncontrollable urge to buy some duct tape . . . for my kids’ mouths. I’m tired of being the human garbage can for their attitudes and sass. Any time I ask them to do something, they say, “Why?” Like I’m asking them to do something huge, when it’s only cleaning up the toothpaste remnants on their bathroom sink.
How can I curb their mouthiness? I’ve had it.
My girlfriend says I ought to be grateful. Her kids are far worse than mine. But seriously, do I have to live like this until they’re 18? My kids are only 9 and 11.
A: You weren’t put on this earth to be a garbage can or a rug to be stepped on. And you don’t have to even consider living like this for another 24 hours, much less until they are 18. Such behavior has to stop.
I noticed that you said “their” bathroom sink. If they have a bathroom separate from yours, who cleans it normally? You? If so, you need to stop. Let it get super grubby, and let their toothpaste run out. Put your toothpaste where they can’t find it.
When those mouthy kids come to you and say, “Mom! Where’s the toothpaste? We don’t have any toothpaste,” you say casually, “Oh, really? Well, use the toothpaste on the sink. There’s plenty.”
Then you walk to another room and shut the door. You don’t go shopping for toothpaste that day or even the next day. Don’t worry, their teeth won’t rot in that amount of time. Just give your dentist the heads-up to give an extra-special cleaning on their next appointment.
When they say again, “Where’s the toothpaste? How come you didn’t buy any?” you say, “As I said, there’s plenty on the sink. I didn’t need to buy more.”
“Oh, that’s so gross,” they reply.
“Maybe. Then again, it’s your bathroom.” Again, you turn your back and walk away.
I bet you anything those two will confab in the bathroom and try to talk each other into cleaning that messy sink. Somehow it’ll get done.
Even better, have those two buy the next tube of toothpaste out of their allowances. They won’t be as likely to waste it. In fact, they’ll probably be fighting over who didn’t roll up the toothpaste tube and who is using too much. “We’re going to have to pay for it, you know.”
You should never take sass from your kids. When they talk to you disrespectfully, there must always be a real-life consequence that fits the situation. They don’t go to that next outing. You don’t take them to get fruit smoothies. And they have to clean their own bathroom, sink included, which they should be doing anyway at their ages. After all, are you making the mess in there, or them? Hold them accountable for their own mess.
Then again, you might want to keep some duct tape around. It would come in handy for certain moments, wouldn’t it?
Kindergartener Attached to Mom’s Leg
Q: Every time I get close to the kindergarten door, my son wraps himself around my leg and refuses to let go. If it only happened once, it wouldn’t be so embarrassing. The first time I had to walk back to my car with him still attached and take him home. But it still happens every morning, and it’s been a month now. I have to inch my way forward with his body literally hanging from my leg, then pry his fingers off once I’m through the classroom door. If I don’t sprint out of there when I’m free, he’ll attach himself again.
What should I do? The kid’s got to go to school.
A: You’re right. Kids do have to go to school, but maybe your son’s not ready. Just because he’s five doesn’t mean he’s ready for kindergarten. Maybe he needs another year at home with you first to gain a bit of maturity and to see other kids his age going to school before he sees it as a good place to be.
Also, that kid has your number. You’ve likely had his back a little too much, smoothing his path in life. He doesn’t want to let go of the one sure bet he has to journey into an atmosphere of unknowns. He wouldn’t cling to your leg like a spider monkey unless it worked. Clearly, it worked the first time, since he got to return home with you.
That first day of kindergarten, his “aha” kicked in: If I cling to Mom’s leg long enough and refuse to let go, she’ll have to take me home with her. Then I can do whatever I want at home.
So why not have a chat with your son to start your investigation?
“Honey, what do you think about kindergarten?”
If all he talks about is not liking sitting in his seat, or having to follow directions when all he wants to do is play, he’s likely not ready. Most kindergartens have an “Is Your Child Ready for Kindergarten?” checklist. If you don’t already have one, ask for a copy. Read it to see if your son indeed fits that list. If he is missing some key factors for readiness, he’d benefit greatly from another year at home with you first.
Don’t think of it as holding him back. Instead, if you delay sending him for a year, you are giving him the best possible chance of success academically and socially with his peers. He’ll be better prepared to pay attention in class, and he won’t be one of the younger boys. With boys especially, who tend to mature later than girls, being older will allow him to hold his own better in the physically competitive world of males.
On the first week of kindergarten, it’s not uncommon for kids—especially firstborns and onlies who want to know details and the road map—to cling to their mommies and daddies. It’s a new experience, so why wouldn’t they be a bit anxious?
Think of them as baby birds that poke their heads up out of that warm, feather-lined nest and peer out at the big outside world. They’re not sure yet what to think, and many of them don’t want to move from their cozy spot. In that nest Mama does everything for them, including bringing those delicious, fat worms for breakfast. So Mama or Papa Bird has to give them a nudge out of the nest to try their wings.
If your child has gone to preschool, he’s less likely to be anxious about entering the kindergarten door, unless he’s had a negative experience in preschool. If he hasn’t gone, that kindergarten door is the first big nudge out of the nest.
Also, it’s helpful to talk to the teacher about your concerns and get her feedback about what she sees in the class. Is your son ready for such work? Kindergarten isn’t merely the play environment it used to be. Real work and preparation for future studies happen there.
If you both agree your son should be there, set up a strategy with the teacher. For example, instead of you walking your son in, perhaps you pull up to the kindergarten door in your car. Your teacher or an assistant opens the passenger door, helps your son out of his seat belt, picks up his backpack, and walks him into kindergarten without fanfare.
Remember what I said about your son wanting your attention? His behavior is purposive. But if you’re removed from the situation and his “kindergarten grid” thinking, getting him through that door and engaged with the other kids might be a whole lot easier. So why not give it a try?
Wait and see. Soon that son of yours won’t even have time to say goodbye to you as he leaps out the car door and goes running into kindergarten. After all, his friends are waiting for him, and so is the temporary class mascot—the real frog in the zipped cage that he gets to greet every morning for a month if he shows up on time.
What could be more exciting?
Unmotivated Kid
Q: I’m embarrassed to ask this, but I’m desperate. My misbehaving son is 21, and he’s still living with us. Any time I ask him to help out around the house, he says, “Why should I?” When I prompt him to get a job instead of hanging out with his friends, he says, “I do look for jobs. I just don’t find any. Stop pressuring me.”
He went to community college after high school but quit after only a semester. He’s been doing basically nothing since. How can I motivate him to get moving in life, and to show some appreciation for what we do?
A: You can’t motivate him to do anything. Motivation has to come from within. But you certainly can do a few things to move him in that direction.
I understand that you’re doing what parents have historically done for generations—given their kids a roof over their heads and food to eat. Let’s be blunt, though. Your son has clearly overstayed his welcome and is taking advantage of your kindness in your not-so-palatial mansion. He’s not in school, and he’s not working outside the home. He’s only hanging out with friends, living the good life.
Let me ask you: Where is he getting the money to live that good life? Likely it’s from you. But your son isn’t 10 anymore, and he’s moved past you needing to give him an allowance. He’s an adult.
When you open the door for anyone—relative or not—to live with you, you should at least have a verbal contract that this is a short-term solution. With that basic understanding in place, there is a clear-cut end of the relationship after the agreed-upon period is over.
You probably didn’t have that kind of defining conversation. He simply quit school and settled into easy street in your home.
Now is the time for a straightforward conversation. “I know life isn’t turning out the way you thought it would. But you’ve been out of high school for three years and out of full-time community college for over two years. It’s time for you to get a job and your own place. You need your space, and we need ours. So give me a time in the next 30 days when you can move into your own apartment. We’ll stay in contact with you, because you’re our son and we love you. But you need to move on in life.”
That’s the wake-up call your couch potato needs right now. Even more, he needs you not to back down. When those 30 days are up, if plans aren’t moving along, you move his possessions out to the lawn and change the locks on the door.
You don’t respond to angry phone calls. You don’t help him find a place or a job. He needs to do those things on his own. He may have to make his way through his groupies to find one he can temporarily stay with. Such friendships will wear thin fast if he follows his patterns of taking and never giving. Soon he’ll be forced to grow up and become an adult, which includes finding a job, making money, and paying rent.
I know this sounds harsh, but his mouthiness says he lacks respect for you. Since he’s 21, you aren’t going to train that out of him unless you say what you’ll do and then do what you’ve said. So let reality do the talking for you after your initial pronouncement of the terms of his stay.
Continuing to let him live with you is one of the worst decisions you could make as a parent. You’ll become an enabler, and you’ll lessen the chance of him becoming the man he should be . . . not to mention the responsible husband your someday daughter-in-law deserves and the engaged, accountable father your someday grandchild needs.
Door Slammer
Q: My 14-year-old is a notorious slammer. Anything she doesn’t like, off she goes to her room and slams the door. I hate it, but I’m kind of used to it. However, now we live in a fairly small condo, and our neighbor has mentioned the noise twice to me. Thankfully, she’s been nice about it, but I can tell it’s really starting to bother her.
Other than taking the door off the hinges, which feels like an invasion of my daughter’s privacy and space, what can I do? I’ve asked her over and over again not to slam the door. But she still does.
Any advice?
A: Sure, I’ve got lots of advice.
There are these wonderful thick felt circles with adhesive on one side that can do wonders in the doorjamb as sound mufflers. I have a friend who lives in an apartment in Los Angeles who uses them and has even gifted them to a particularly noisy next-door neighbor, putting a cute poem on her door to ease any potential friction. They’re easy to order, cheap, and easy to install. Tear the backing off the circle and stick it on.
If your daughter is only slamming her door because the sound is cathartic when she’s upset, or she’s doing it to get your attention and make you pay for how terrible the world is to her at that moment, those circles might do the trick. Don’t say anything. Don’t give her attention for such negative behavior. Simply install those sound deadeners when she’s not home.
If door slamming continues to be an issue, solicit the help of that kind neighbor. The next time she comments on the noise, say to her, “You know what? That drives me crazy too. I’ve asked her not to do that and even installed some felt circles to deaden the sound. But I’m her mother, and she’s having trouble listening to me. The next time you see her, would you comment on how the door slamming bothers you? I would greatly appreciate it.”
You can bet that neighbor is going to be eagle-eyeing your daughter’s whereabouts. As soon as your 14-year-old steps outside, she’s toast. That neighbor has her in her sights. It won’t be easy for your daughter to wriggle out of that one. She’ll be gently closing her door for a long time, because she won’t want that neighbor to track her down again.
Problem solved.
You can smile. You didn’t even have to bribe your other next-door neighbor with brownies to get out his tools and take your daughter’s door off. You simply let real-life consequences reign and take care of the misbehavior.
It’s a win-win all around. Your daughter keeps her privacy, which is important to teenagers. You keep your sanity and your hearing. Your neighbors are happy. And Amazon sales go up from your felt circle purchases.
By the way, those felt circles also work great on closet doors and kitchen cabinets, if you have other slammers in the family.
Shopping Tantrums
Q: My son turned four in February. Any time I take him to the store, he pitches a fit. It starts because he sees something he wants and I won’t buy it for him. I’m not a money tree. But he’s too big to sit in the front of the cart now. He’s using his own two feet, so he’s harder to control.
I end up leaving my cart of groceries or whatever in the middle of the store and hustling him out. He’s made such a fuss in so many stores that I’m embarrassed to go to them anymore. I’m starting to run out of new grocery stores, even though I live in an urban area.
Any tips to curb that obnoxious misbehavior?
A: Tip #1: Leave him at home whenever possible. There’s no need for every shopping expedition of yours to be tantrum laden. You deserve a break too. Solicit the help of your partner or a friend to stay with him.
If your son sees you getting ready to go out, he’ll likely say, “Mommy, are we going?”
You lean down and say, “Mommy’s going. You’re not.”
Then comes the famous line: “But why, Mommy?”
Here’s the teachable moment. “Because you make a fuss every time we go to a store. So I’m not taking you today. You are staying home.”
Note that you don’t say, “I’m never taking you to a store again,” since that would be impractical and unrealistic. But to a four-year-old, having to stay home from that one outing will feel like Buzz Lightyear’s “To infinity and beyond!”
He’ll fuss. He’ll pitch a fit right in your own living room. You’ll shoot an apologetic look to your spouse, Grandma or Grandpa, or your friend, but out the door you’ll go. You’ll have a grand old time in that store with your head held high.
But here’s the kicker. You don’t let any guilt you feel for leaving your screaming son behind propel you into purchasing a treat for him. Do you want to reward misbehavior or nip it in the bud?
You arrive home, and your son is back to normal and excited to see you. He’s long forgotten his tantrum from an hour ago.
“So what did you get me, Mommy?” he asks.
“Nothing,” you answer simply.
His face darkens. His fists clench. “Why? You always get me a treat.”
Another teachable moment is here. “Because I didn’t appreciate the fit you threw when I was going out the door.”
He’ll plead, he’ll cry, but you stand firm. No treat that day, including the ice cream you had reserved as a surprise for him.
To train a child up right, you don’t accept or reward negative behavior. Yes, he may be young, but he’s not dumb. He’s watching everything you do and learning how to work you.
If you’ve ever given in to one of his tantrums and purchased the item he grabbed merely to shut him up so people wouldn’t stare at you, he recorded that moment as a victory. If he’s continued his tantrums, it’s because that action is beneficial to him. He got a reward from it—a new toy or a food treat.
When you don’t play his game and his misbehavior is no longer beneficial, he’ll quit. You simply have to stick to your guns and not get worn down. Give in once and you’ll start over at square zero.
Tip #2: When you do have to take him to the store, have your game plan already in place. If he throws a tantrum right in the aisle of Walmart, complete with kicking and screaming and flailing, leave him on the floor and walk away. Go around the corner and “disappear”—so your child can no longer see you, but you can still keep an eye on him. If another customer is entering the aisle, feel free to shake your head and say, “Some people’s children . . .”
Something magical will happen. That boy of yours will realize his Mommy audience is missing and he is all alone. He’ll scramble up off that floor and go running pell-mell in the direction he saw you disappear. He’ll be yelling all the while, “Mommy! Mommy! Don’t leave without me!”
When you do regroup with your vociferous youngster, do something he doesn’t expect. Don’t walk toward him. Instead, walk out the door and to the parking lot.
He’ll follow, looking confused. “Mommy, don’t we have to get something?”
“Not today,” you say, and open the car door.
In he goes, bewildered and deflated. “But I always get a treat at the store.”
“Not today. Today we’re going home.”
Note the always in your son’s talk. Children thrive on routine, and when it’s interrupted they are thrown off course, especially if they are firstborns or onlies.
You drive straight home, get him out of the car, and then go about your business.
Your four-year-old won’t know what to do. His world is off-kilter, no longer revolving on its well-established axis.
“If I am gooder, can we go back to the store?” he pleads.
“Not today,” you repeat.
He slumps. That boy of yours has learned something new about his mama today—that she has a steel backbone.
Good for you, Mom. Keep doing things like that and you’ll get that boy retrained.
School Quitter
Q: My 15-year-old announced yesterday that he’s done with school. Then he went back to bed and missed the bus. Today he didn’t get up either. He’s a big boy, five foot ten, and stronger than me. I can’t physically force him to go to school tomorrow. So what can I do or say to get him out of bed and moving? Ideas?
A: Certainly. A cattle prod might do the trick.
Seriously, a lot of 15-year-olds don’t feel like going to school either, but they still get up and go. Something is fueling your son’s sudden declaration. Asking him questions, though, won’t get you anywhere. It will only firm up his anti-school stance and burrow him farther under those bedcovers. But a few things will give you clues.
Clue #1: If your socially networked son isn’t texting much, it’s likely something bad happened at school. He’s trying to stay off the grid until it blows over.
This is when it’s helpful if you know the parents of his friends. You don’t embarrass him by calling them and asking outright if they know about anything that happened at school. Instead, you place a friendly call to say, “Oh, hi, Sandy. How are you?” That’s all it will take for Sandy to say, “Well, I’m fine. But how about you? I heard Sam got in some trouble at school. . . .”
Then you know there’s a definite reason your kid doesn’t want to return, and you hear all the details secondhand. He’s probably embarrassed and doesn’t want to face the pack or you after what happened.
Clue #2: He sleeps all the time and doesn’t come out of his room. Yes, he’s a growing teenager and can sleep a lot, but this is beyond his norm. He doesn’t want to interact with anyone.
It’s normal for teens to be tired and overemotional in surges due to hormone changes, but if this is a complete change of behavior and it continues, pay attention. It’s possible that he’s experienced failure, rejection, or betrayal, and it’s catapulted him into discouragement.
If you’re seeing such major changes in his behavior, have a conversation with him, even if it’s one-sided at the moment. “I notice you’re sleeping a lot lately, and you seem a little down. If there’s ever anything you want to talk about, find me. I’d like to help.”
You don’t push for information or linger. You say your piece and give him a couple minutes to respond. If he doesn’t talk, you say simply, “I love you. Nothing will ever change that.” And then you leave him to his man cave.
If that cave continues for more than a week or two, though, it’s time for more gentle digging to figure out what’s truly going on inside his head.
Clue #3: He sleeps until you’re out the door, but then you return at lunch and he’s happily munching and gaming, still in his sweats. He gives you that “uh-oh” look that he did when his hand was caught in the cookie jar when he was eight. Now you know your son got sick of school and all the work involved and decided he’d give himself a vacation.
If this is the case, here’s how I would proceed.
“Looks like you’re enjoying gaming. It’s good to play games for a break, but this is school time. Since you’re not going to school, I have some jobs for you to do during the time you’d be there. There’s plenty to do around here, so I’ll have no problem assigning you some work to replace your school time.”
“Work? What do you mean, work?” he says. Now his attention is on you, not the game.
“Oh, I need the basement walls painted. I think a light yellow would be nice and sunny, don’t you?” You smile. “Now that you’re available during the day, we might as well get that done. We’ve been talking about it for a long time. And then there’s . . .” And you proceed to talk about a long list of house projects that you know he’d absolutely hate doing because they’re boring.
Then you say, “Since you’re no longer in school, it makes sense for you to get a real job. I see that the convenience store down the block is hiring. Oh, wait, you have to be 16 to work there. It’ll be tougher to get a good-paying job if you’re not at least a high-school graduate. And since you’re not in school, you could look for an apartment of your own . . . but you have to be 18 to sign for it.” You shrug. “All that’s up to you, though. It certainly looks like you’ve got your work cut out for you. I’ll make up a list of to-dos around here and leave it on the counter tomorrow morning. I’m so glad you’ll be able to tackle it.”
Then you walk off, leaving your son staring at you openmouthed.
This vacation from school thing isn’t going like he’d planned. Likely he’ll decide that getting out the door to school tomorrow is a much better option.
Case solved, Dr. Watson.
Sensitive Child
Q: Our six-year-old is unusually sensitive. She needs set routines and gets very upset if anything changes. We end up placating her or tiptoeing around her. We’ve even changed plans. She cried when my wife and I tried to leave for a date night, and we had to stay home.
Sometimes it feels like she’s in control instead of us. Any advice about how to deal with such a sensitive child? This is getting crazy. I need some time alone with my wife.
A: Any time parents tell me about a “sensitive” child, I know immediately they have a powerful child. Power comes in all kinds of sizes, shapes, and packages. If she is manipulating you by making you walk on eggshells around her, she’s indeed controlling both of you.
Who gave her that power in the first place? Did you try to keep things quiet when she was sleeping as a baby so she wasn’t disturbed? Did you always make sure she was comfortable? Did you do things for her that she could do for herself?
If so, she discovered early on that she can make the planets revolve in her home by a mere stretch of her fingers and her vocal cords. In short, she understands exactly how to make you do what she wants you to do. She didn’t want you two to leave without her, so she had a cry fest to change your mind. And you did, so she won.
Right now your sensitive child is certain she’s at the center of the universe. But what happens when she gets out into the wide world and figures out she’s not?
It’s time for you and your wife to go on that date night tonight. Get Grandma, Grandpa, your sister, or a sitter to babysit. Make sure they are clued in on what you’re doing and why, so they don’t make unnecessary phone calls to you. And it’s only fair that they know the situation so they’re prepared for all the emotion that goes with it.
As you put on your coat to go out that door, tears will start to flow. Remember one thing: You want this misbehavior to change, right? Then you have to change.
What did you say in the past? “Oh, honey, don’t cry. We won’t be gone that long. Mommy and Daddy sometimes need time by ourselves. We’ll see you soon.”
Did that work? No, it only accelerated the crying, and panic ensued. You felt terrible and couldn’t walk out the door.
So what will you do this time? Lean down and say, “Have a fun time with Grandma. We’ll see you tomorrow when you wake up.”
Then you proceed straight out that door and do not return until your date is over. You put your phone on silent and refuse to answer any calls. You have a real date with your wife.
When you get home, your daughter may look flushed from crying, but she’ll be asleep in bed. She had dose number one of her lesson that she’s not number one in the universe.
Better now than when she’s 21, don’t you think?
Q: Why is it that every time my kids misbehave, I’m the one who feels guilty?
I cook my younger daughter’s favorite dinner, and she changes her mind as soon as I put it in front of her. “Mom, why did you make this? I hate this.” But last week she downed two plates of it.
And when my son yells at me for something I didn’t get done, even though I did five other things for him that day, I’m the one who walks away feeling bad.
Then there’s my older daughter. I do her laundry twice a week, and still she complains, “Mom, I have nothing to wear, and it’s your fault.”
Sometimes I feel like going on strike. Would that be too out of line for a mom?
A: I think you hit on the perfect solution all by yourself. If I were you, I’d go on strike for at least two weeks. Without you, your kids won’t have dinners that aren’t out of a box or can. Nobody else will do all the errands that matter mostly to them. And they won’t have anyone who will pick up their dirty laundry strewn across their bedroom floors and clean it for them like magic.
Your kids are entitled. They think they deserve everything you do for them, and then some. But all those things you’re describing aren’t rights; they’re privileges. Tons of moms I know no longer cook at all. They don’t do many errands for their kids. And they certainly don’t feel they have to do the laundry. Your kids need to experience a week or two without the perks that you bring to their lives, and then they’ll feel a bit more grateful.
But here’s what you don’t do. You don’t forewarn them. You don’t announce, “Hey, kids, you’re driving me crazy, so I’m not going to do a thing for you for the next two weeks.” Instead, you don’t make breakfast. Their sack lunches for school aren’t ready on the counter. When they get home from school, there are no fresh-baked out-of-a-tube cookies on a plate. There’s no food at dinner time.
You are MIA for at least the first couple of days when they’re home. You spend long-awaited evenings with girlfriends or other family members. You’re not easily reachable by cell. You sleep in those mornings and marvel at the wonder of it.
Those kids are going to discover dinner from a can and will have to learn the effort it takes to create those bag lunches they turn their noses up at. The day will come when their favorite outfits are . . . guess what? In the laundry and not available. The errands will stack up, and they might have to walk to a nearby store with money from their piggy bank to get that purple T-shirt they need for purple day at school.
This is what I call “the bread-and-water treatment” for entitled children.
After a week or two (depending on the age of your children and how engrained the entitlement is), you can step back in. But be careful about assuming all of your old tasks. Otherwise they will think you only went temporarily crazy and have turned back into the mom they know who will do anything for them.
So you make dinner one night, but you don’t the next. When they ask, “Hey, where’s dinner?” you say, “Oh, I didn’t feel like making it tonight,” while flipping this book’s pages.
“So what are we supposed to eat?” they ask.
You wave a hand. “Whatever you feel like. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”
A few rounds of that and not doing the laundry, and those kids will have a new appreciation of ol’ Mom. After all, Mom does make the world go round, even if her kids don’t always know it.
Caught Cheating
Q: My high-schooler was caught cheating on a science test. I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe it’s my kid. He usually gets top grades, so why would he do that? I don’t even know what to say to him, much less what to do. Of our four kids, he’s the good and easy one. This seems way out of left field.
If this were your kid, what would you do?
A: Well, academic cheating isn’t exactly breaking news. It’s been around since Cain and Abel took their first tests, I think. In fact, in one widespread college cheating scandal in 2019, more than 50 adults were caught red-handed, including coaches, test administrators, CEOs, and Hollywood celebrities . . . not to mention the scandal embarrassed the heck out of elite universities like Yale, Stanford, Georgetown, USC, and UCLA.6
But when it hits home instead of the newsstand, it’s a whole different story.
Your high-schooler is already embarrassed enough by his actions and knows he has royally disappointed you. The best thing you can do at this point is give him some time to process and give yourself some time to regroup your thoughts.
The next day, you might say, “The cheating incident is now water under the bridge. We will move on from here and not wallow in it. But there’s one thing I would like to know when you want to share it: why you felt that cheating was the best option.”
Then you wait until he’s unscrambled his thoughts. It may be a day or two, or more. When he does talk, do what is hard for all parents to do: shut your mouth and listen. Some of what he says may not be easy for you to hear. If he’s been your good, top-grade, hardworking son, he may have cracked under the pressure of always having to be that. Maybe science isn’t his thing. Maybe he was worried about his GPA to get into college. Maybe he didn’t want to disappoint you by not meeting your expectations. Maybe he saw what he thought was an easy way out and made a bad decision. Again, all of these are common reasons for top students to consider cheating. This time the lure was too strong, and he took the bait.
However hard the facts may be, it’s time that you hear them and your son voices them. Better now in high school, where the ante is not as high as it would be in college or later in life.
Yes, you’re disappointed, but anger or the ice treatment won’t resolve anything. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry that you felt like you were under such pressure that you had to cheat to make a good grade. That action has certainly backfired. Your mom and I were surprised, disappointed, and embarrassed when the school called us in to talk about the cheating. I know we expect a lot out of you, but there’s something else I want you to know.”
You see your son clench his fists, waiting for the hammer blow.
Instead, you say gently, “For us, you don’t have to be anyone but yourself. You don’t have to be good at every subject. I know science isn’t your thing. We’d have been happy with a C. I’m sorry we’ve pressured you so much to meet our expectations. We believe in you and in your abilities. Who you are—kind, courteous, generous, and helpful at home—is far more than we could have dreamed in a son.
“Going back to school after this, with the other kids knowing, isn’t going to be easy. But you need to finish out your year there. Whenever you need to talk, I’m here.”
Then you close the book on the cheating and give your son what you’d long for—a second chance. You never dig up those bones from the backyard again.
Believe me, he’s learned a lesson he won’t forget in his lifetime.
Q: My kids fight like cats and dogs. Really, they do, almost 24/7. When you have five of them, the noise can be deafening. When they’re not fighting, they’re tattling on each other. If you ever saw me, I’d be the super-tired-looking mom with bags under her eyes, since my two oldest fight even at midnight. My two youngest wake me up early in the morning to tattle on each other.
I’m tired of being the referee. How can I stop this constant battling and tattling in my home?
A: Simple. Just remove yourself from your children’s wind. When they start tussling, say, “I’m sure you can handle it between the two of you,” and walk away. Preferably go into a room where you can’t see or hear them (at least much) and lock the door. Or go out for a drive, get yourself some coffee or a treat, and linger for a while.
If you’re not there to tattle to, the tattling loses its punch. Your new favorite lines should be, “Oh, really? Well, if your sister did that, then she can tell me herself. I don’t need to hear it from you.” Or, better yet, march that kid right over to the other kid and say, “Sarah, Amanda has something she wants to tell you.” That tactic usually ends the whole tattling scene. How do I know? Because I’ve seen it work.
When I was assistant dean of students, I handled all kinds of disciplinary problems with college students. But the staff was the hardest to deal with. One of them would show up at my door and say, “Uh, Dr. Leman, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Dumb me. I opened the door and said, “Sure. Come on in and sit down.”
Forty minutes later I was thinking, Why, why, why? All she’s talking about is how bad the other secretaries are.
The next time she showed up, I wasn’t so dumb. “Cindy, I’m so glad you came in,” I said with a smile. “Would you come with me, please?”
We walked right over to the secretary she was complaining about. I said, “Barb, Cindy has something to tell you.” Then I shut up and stood there.
Cindy’s response was interesting. She gave a small shrug, looking embarrassed, and said quietly, “Well, it’s not really a big thing, but I was wondering if . . .”
Handling the situation directly by connecting the complainer and the person she complained about worked like a charm. Word spread swiftly that I’d do the same thing to anyone who tattled. Case solved.
Why don’t you try this with your kids and see what happens? It’s all about holding them accountable for their words.
Above all, don’t get dragged back in. Refuse to referee. Let them handle the fight all by themselves. It’s amazing how fast fights will end if the kids are on their own. They usually feel fairly stupid. Or they might come up with a surprising solution they hadn’t thought of before because they were too focused on vying for your attention.
If all fails, buy some of those big, soft boxing gloves. Five pairs—one for each kid—would be a good investment, don’t you think? Then let them have a round with each other in the garage. That can be your “fight zone” to resolve problems. It ought to wear them out physically too, so they’ll sleep. Then you can get some well-deserved sleep.
Wishing you lots of z’s . . .
Habitual Liar and Rebel
Q: Wow, this is hard to say, but my kid seems to be a habitual liar. When he was young, he told imaginative stories that stretched the truth. A fish he caught that was five inches long suddenly became an 18-incher. We used to laugh.
But now we’re no longer laughing. I can’t trust my 17-year-old to ever be where he says he is. I’ve caught him time and time again in a lie. Last week he lied about being at a school event when he was at a club with a fake ID. We only found out the truth because he’d passed out from drinking too much and two of his supposed new friends dumped him in front of our house before racing off in their Jeep.
I grew up in a family where honesty and integrity were extremely important. My son seems to be going the other direction. What did I do wrong? Why is my son like this? And what can I do about it?
A: Some kids will wander. But there are ways to rein him in, especially since he’s still under 18.
If you’ve strongly stressed honesty and integrity, he might be tired of hearing about it, especially if you’ve lectured him on those topics. Or perhaps he thinks your words don’t match your actions.
But here is what I think is at play. I’m going to guess that he’s your middle son and that your older son is a perfect shooting star. Your middle son has no way of catching that star or competing with it, so he’s running in the other direction. He’s making you pay attention to him with his misbehavior. Maybe if I’m bad enough, they’ll notice that I actually exist.
It’s easy for parents to assume that one brother will be like the other. Not so. In fact, the opposite is true in birth order. The second son usually goes the complete opposite direction of the first. It’s his way of saying, “I’m me, not my brother.”
But if your 17-year-old is drinking—in fact, so much that he passes out—and he has the family car sometimes, it is definitely time to intervene.
Wait until his hangover abates, but don’t shush your other kids. In fact, let them make as much noise as possible. When your middle son doesn’t look as bleary-eyed, throw this little statement his way: “Well, that was a new experience. Seeing my son tossed out onto the lawn like a landed fish.”
He starts to fidget. “Uh, well . . .”
“You’ll soon be 18. And we’ve never expected you to be your brother because you’re you.”
He stares at you. Where is Dad going with this?
“What you decide to make of yourself, and the way you decide to live, will increasingly be more your business. If that’s how you want to spend your nights and the morning after, it’s your life. You’ll do what you want to do. But you are still a part of our family and always will be. That means you’re a Kranz. You represent our family. But most of all, you represent yourself. If that is how you choose to live—lying about where you are, drinking, and ending up on our front lawn at midnight—then it’s time for you to look for a new home. Your little brother and little sister are still here in our home, and they look up to you. It’s not fair for them to see such behavior, or to have other kids snickering about their brother at school.
“You graduate in two months. You should start looking for a job and an apartment now. Let’s set the date of June 15 for you to be out of the house.”
“But Dad, what about college?” he asks, panicked. “Don’t you want me to go to college?”
You tilt your head. “Do you think that investing in college for you is an appropriate option right now, given your activities?”
He hangs his head. “Well, no.”
“Then June 15 it is.”
The discussion ends, and your son, who expected grounding, is stunned.
Sometimes a parent’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. He has to shake up his kid until common sense settles in. And if that doesn’t do it, seeing how much an apartment costs and how difficult it is to get a job will.
Is this hard to do as a parent? Yes, it’s incredibly hard. But parenting sometimes calls for tough decisions like this one. If you can’t be tough this time, your 17-year-old might be the 37-year-old who still lives in your basement suite and parties, because he’s never been forced to become an adult.
So carry on with your bon voyage. It’s the only way to force the transformation that often happens when rebellion meets real-life responsibilities.
Texting, Gaming, and YouTube Addicts
Q: My kids are constantly on their phones. The few times we do manage to have dinner, I look around the table and I might as well be alone. Even my husband is answering work emails. I spend a lot of time on my phone myself, but at least I try not to answer my cell when it’s a family dinner. I’ve said things like, “Hey, kids, dinner’s when we should be talking, not texting,” but it gets me nowhere. I only get the “Seriously, Mom?” expression or the ever-present eye roll.
When they aren’t on their phones, they’re on their computers, watching YouTube videos, gaming, or listening to music with their earbuds in. One day it hit me. The reason we don’t have any time to connect as a family is because of all this technology. That comes first, before family.
How can I turn this around so we can reconnect, without starting World War III in my house by taking their electronics?
A: You and your family need a month on a desert island with no technology and those little fruity drinks with the miniature umbrellas. But since that’s not likely to happen for most families, here’s where I’d start.
Any change has to start with you and your husband. So talk to him about your concerns, and agree together not to bring your cell phones to your next family dinner. Instead, bring up interesting pieces of news and ask for your kids’ opinions. For example, “Every year we do a family vacation. Usually Dad and I decide where to go, but this year we want to know what you guys think and where you’d like to go.”
That ought to get the conversation moving. If they don’t respond and don’t get off their phones, then say, “I really miss talking to you guys, since you’re important to me. But since we’re always on our phones, even at dinner, I’d like to try something different for a month. See that basket right by the dining room door? On Mondays and Thursdays, we’ll turn off our cell phones and leave them in that basket during dinner. That’s only two hours a week. I think we could all do that, don’t you?”
You’ll get some mutterings, but when you put it that way, it’s tough for them to say no. Those kids who act as if they don’t like you or aren’t interested really do want to please you.
Two family dinners a week where you actually converse about things that matter is a small but important start to more meaningful family interactions. At the next family dinner, there will likely be silent, awkward moments. People who are used to texting instead of talking often don’t know what to say.
Asking your children questions, such as, “So, Tommy, how was your day today?” will get you nowhere.
Ditto with, “I know you have a history paper due soon, Angie. What’s it on?” Instead, come prepared with ideas. “I saw a fun video yesterday about a guy who helped save a miniature donkey that otherwise wouldn’t have lived, and now it lives indoors with him and follows him around like a pet dog.”
Kid 1: “Oh yeah, I saw that. There’s another one about a goose that got hurt as a baby. A man saved him and later trained him how to fly. He took the bird out on his speedboat, held the bird up, and floored it.”
Kid 2: “That’s cool. I wanna see that. Would you show me after dinner?”
Kid 1: “Sure. There are all sorts of great animal videos like that. I watch them all the time. Did you know that a Canada goose can . . .”
And you’re off and running with two siblings who, 20 minutes ago, said they couldn’t stand each other. See how easy that was? Bet it wouldn’t take much to gather the family around a computer screen to watch some of those animal videos together, now that you know they’re interested.
Or throw this out at the dinner table: “I’d love your opinion on something. There have been a lot of shocking news stories about really rich people who paid a lot of money to get their kids into the right college. We’re not rich, but if we were and I did that for the two of you, how would you feel about it?”
Wait for it. If you have two kids, their responses will predictably be as different as night and day.
Kid 1: “I’d be upset and hurt. You don’t believe in me very much, do you? I mean, you paid somebody because you didn’t think I could get in myself by studying and working hard.”
Kid 2 (shrugs): “If I could get into a big school like that as a done deal, without sweating over an application or a test, cool! What’s bad about that?”
Kid 1: “You didn’t get into the school, Dumbo. Mom got you into it by paying somebody. You’re telling me you’d feel good about that?”
Kid 1: “And you’d get caught because you’re stupid. Even if you didn’t, you could never keep up with the work at a college you didn’t deserve to get into.”
Look at that. With no lecture from you, your older son has solidified his belief in the self-reward of working hard, and your younger daughter got a wake-up call about the real world.
There are a few hills in your parenting journey worth trudging up and staking your flag on, and family time is one of them. After all, 10 years from now, who will still be in their lives: the friend who betrayed them a month later, the colleague they worked with for a year, or the family members sitting right around this dinner table?
I’d also like to suggest you plan a family activity every two weeks. Make it a no-miss event and do something fun. Go to the beach on a Saturday, drive bumper cars for an afternoon, have a picnic, splash each other in the sprinkler in the backyard, go skating, go skiing, go bowling, make snow angels, wash the family car(s) in the driveway, cook a new ethnic dish with everyone helping, watch some crazy or sweet animal videos . . . The only limit is your imagination. Engage your kids’ interest by saying, “I’d love to hear your ideas for things we can do and places we can go.” The family that plays together stays together.
Initially kids will grumble about anything that doesn’t immediately give them what they want (like the ability to answer urgent texts from friends that say, “Whatcha doin’?”), but they’ll come around. Those two family dinners without electronics will set a routine, and kids thrive on routine. Most families who follow this technique for a while discover that even on the nights they don’t have to put their phones in the basket, the kids put them there automatically and engage in conversation when they sit down.
Eventually, you might even hear them say what one mom heard her 17-year-old daughter say to a friend: “No, I’m not available on Friday nights.” Why? Because that was the night she gamed with her dad and had conversations about life. See? Even that gaming you hate can be used for the good purpose of growing your relationship with your child, if you take advantage of her interest.
Ditto with watching videos on YouTube and listening to songs on iTunes. Simply drop a comment: “That song you’re listening to is intriguing. If there’s a music video out, I’d love for you to show me sometime.” Even kids who act like they don’t want you in their world love to share the videos they’re watching and songs they’re listening to, especially when you’re asking and not demanding.
Another tip: When you do watch those videos and see the song lyrics, find something positive to say even if you hated them. “The choreography is simply amazing . . . so filled with energy.” Then you add what will capture your child’s attention and heart: “I’d love to know how you found that group, what you know about them, and anything else you’d want to tell me.” By doing so, you engage with your child in her world.
If you show an open rather than a judgmental attitude toward all the influences in her world, she’s more likely to say, “Hey, Mom, I put a couple of new videos in my Watch Later playlist. You want to watch them with me tonight after I finish my homework?”
From watching YouTube videos that interest her, you’ll see what issues and topics she’s passionate about, hear her thoughts about boys and life, and learn much, much more. As topics come up, do some googling yourself on those points of interest to establish natural, ongoing conversation.
“Hey, you told me that the lead singer of that group is big on supporting organizations in the poorest parts of Rio de Janeiro. I came across a cool online article about it yesterday.”
Your daughter turns toward you. “Really? Where is it?” She hops online, and the two of you look at the article together and discuss it.
A month later she comes to you and says, “I did a bunch of research on those organizations and found one I’d like to show you. Would you and Dad be open to me working there in Rio for a month after graduation? If I could save up the money for the airfare and most of my living expenses while I’m there?”
Don’t underestimate the power of YouTube in introducing globalization to your children. Nor should you underestimate the long-term value of your teenager seeing how disadvantaged people live halfway across the planet. There’s nothing that takes away entitlement and increases gratefulness more than meeting real people who show joy in finding clean water and having two meals of rice and beans a day.
Taking phones and computers away from kids as a punishment for their overuse is not the answer today to creating more family time. It only fuels resentment and the concepts that Mom and Dad are prehistoric dinosaurs and don’t get the real world.
Instead, introduce the idea and practice that it is possible and good to unplug sometimes, like two nights a week during family dinners and on that biweekly family outing. Then step into your child’s world, using their passion for gaming, internet surfing, listening to iTunes, and watching YouTube, to discover and explore their interests.
Changing your kids’ misbehaviors starts with changing your own parenting techniques. If you want kids who have the potential to unplug, then model unplugging sometimes yourself.
Enjoy those family dinners and outings while you can. Cell phones and computers will still be around in five years, but your kids may not still be in your nest.
Making family time a priority is the right thing to do.