CHAPTER ONE
I WON’T SAY HERO, ’CAUSE WHAT’S A HERO?
A·bide v
1. to find somebody or something acceptable or bearable
2. to endure or withstand something (archaic)
3. to have the ability to say, “Fuck it. Let’s go bowling”
Way back in 1996, fresh off the set of the soon-to-be Oscar favorite Fargo, Joel and Ethan Coen were gearing up to shoot their next feature film. Written with a nod to classic noir crime films such as The Big Sleep and a wink to the Coens’ growing, spoof-loving fan base, it was to be a film about a mistaken identity, a film about a kidnapping, a film about taking a stand against aggressors—but most of all, it was to be a film about, ahem, bowling? Throw in an aging hippie, a gun-toting Vietnam vet, a vain millionaire, and a few nihilists, and you’ve got what is now hailed as one of the most quotable cult films of the past two decades, The Big Lebowski.
You might have seen it in the theater, or maybe you caught part of it on cable a year or so later. If you’re like most people, you had no idea what was going on. Even if you caught it from the beginning, you may still have felt like you had just tuned in to an episode of Seinfeld five minutes late, and every line seemed like an inside joke. It wasn’t until the second or fifth time that you might have begun to see the layers of genius woven into The Big Lebowski.
And at the center of it all is the Dude, played by the man born for the role, Jeff Bridges.
It’s not often that our culture presents us with a heroic icon who is also one of the laziest men of his time and place. Superman wears a cape, not a bathrobe. Neo has no trouble dodging a swarm of bullets, much less a coffee mug to the forehead. Batman never wrecked the Batmobile while looking for the joint he dropped. Nor does he care whether his cocktail is shaken or stirred. That’s 007’s thing, man. Even Homer Simpson has a job.
No, the Dude doesn’t need all the fancy clothes, cars, or names. Just “the Dude.” That’s what people call him. And maybe this is wishful thinking, but it seems we all have a little bit of the Dude in us. Sitting right there next to that little bit of Elvis. If you enjoy bowling, the only “sport” that provides cup holders; if you’ve ever looked the Man in the face and just said, “Fuck it”; if you’ve ever postdated a check for change—that’s the Dude coming out of you. Feels good, doesn’t it?
Quiz: How Dude Are You?
So just how Dude are you, anyway? Get out your number-two pencils and answer the following questions to discover how in touch you are with your inner Dude. Report back as soon as it’s done.
1. Are you employed, sir?
A) Yes
B) No
C) What day is this?
2. Do you have any Kahlua?
A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnapps
B) No, I’m fresh out
C) Does the pope shit in the woods?
3. What’s your favorite Eagles album?
A) Desperado
B) Ride the Lightning
C) I hate the fucking Eagles
4. What do you do in your free time?
A) Balance my checkbook
B) Occupy various administration buildings
C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback
5. What is the smallest check you’ve ever written?
A) $100 and up
B) $0.70 to $99.99
C) $0.69 and under
6. Identify this small woodland mammal
A) Beaver
B) Ferret
C) Marmot
7. What cassette is in your Walkman right now?
A) I have an iPod
B) Creedence
C) Venice Beach League Playoffs 1987/Bob
8. What is your primary form of ID?
A) Driver’s license
B) Expired student ID
C) Ralphs Card
9. What color is your vehicle?
A) My Hummer is yellow
B) Blue
C) Green with rust coloration
10. When do you pay your rent?
A) When you own, it’s called a mortgage
B) The tenth
C) Far out, man
Tally up your score:
For each A) answer, you get 0 points
For each B) answer, give yourself 21 points
For each C) answer, give yourself 42 points
How Dude are you:
0–105 = You’re being very un-Dude
106–210 = You are the walrus
211–419 = I dig your style, man
420 = You abide
So how’d you do? Now that you have a feel for your level of Dudeness, here are some tips for Dude-ifying your everyday life.
How to Dude-ify Your Office Space
Beyond the obvious (and job-threatening) stunts such as putting White Russians in the water cooler and magic brownies in the break room, there are some more subtle ways to Dude-ify your work space.
• Every so often when your boss comes by with a new assignment, look at him blankly and say, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.” If that one gets you hassled, try “That’s fucking interesting, man.”
• They say “casual Friday,” but do they really mean it? Wear your bathrobe and jellies to work.
• Before leaving for vacation, change your incoming voicemail message to say, “The Dude is not in. Leave a message after the beep … Takes a minute.”
• Download a whale screen saver. For connoisseurs, we recommend the ones with the relaxing sounds of the humpback whale song over lapping water.
Whale Sounds
In the late sixties, around the time Jeff Dowd and the Students for a Democratic Society were occupying various administration buildings, a group of whale biologists dropped a microphone into the ocean. Led by Roger Payne, the researchers captured a dazzling variety of moans and groans whose melodies were as haunting as they were surprising. Within a few years, Payne’s recordings made their way to vinyl, and the album he produced, Songs of the Humpback Whale, became a bestseller at music stores across the United States and Europe. The humpbacks were the first cetaceans to go platinum.
Having studied the songs extensively since that time, scientists now know quite a lot about the “songster of the sea.” According to the ocean rangers over at the TV show Nature, for example, both male and female humpbacks can produce sounds, but only the males pro duce long, organized songs with distinct themes and melodies. Songs typically last ten to fif teen minutes and a male might repeat the same song without pause for hours.
Humpback whale songs are some of the loudest sounds made by any animal. The low est notes in their songs can cross dozens and possibly hundreds of miles of ocean water. As Roger Payne once put it, “When you are swimming and hear a humpback whale singing very close to you underwater, you sometimes feel you may not be able to stand the intensity of the sound. It is as though someone put their palms firmly against your chest and vibrated you until your whole skeleton was humming.”
• If you don’t have room for the real thing, a rug mouse pad can really tie a work space together.
• Lend the cleaning staff a hand—put some Mr. Bubble in the toilets.
• Save up to $0.69 by pinching some half and half (or nondairy creamer) from the break room for those postwork White Russians.
• Add a few bowling trophies to prove to the square community that you’re not a bum after all.
• Two words: tiki bar!
If any of these suggestions lead to your termination, congratulations! On your way out be sure to notify your escort that the boss said you could take any computer in the house. Well, enjoy.
How to Dude-ify Your Car
How to Dude-ify Your Living Space
• Always refer to your apartment, house, or what-have-you as a bungalow.
• Married or not, leave the toilet seat up. You never know when you’ll be forced to take another look.
• Your bungalow must be secure in order to keep nihilists and thugs from entering your home. Make sure to barricade your door by nailing a two-by-four to your hardwood floor. Post a sign that says, THIS IS A PRIVATE RESIDENCE, MAN.
• Don’t forget a poster of Nixon bowling, aka the Big Milhouski. Crook or no crook, that creep can roll, man!
The Big Milhouski
This image is of President Nixon bowling at the White House basement lanes on September 27, 1971. The White House staff made efforts to publicize Nixon’s “avid” bowling interest, staging photo ops that presented the president as a regular individual with a regular interest that other Americans shared. The lanes were a gift to President Truman in 1947 but were moved from the basement of the West Wing to the Executive Office Building in 1955; fourteen years later, Nixon had a one-lane alley built for himself, the First Lady, and his close friends.
• And then, of course, the rug—unless your household happens to include an un-housebroken cat, dog, or Asian American. Whenever you have visitors, remind them frequently that the rug really ties the room together.
• When lying in the tub, always keep within arm’s reach a bottle of Mr. Bubble, candles, roach clip, a marmot trap, and both of your toilet brushes.
At Least It’s an Ethos
The Big Lebowski contains references to such a multitude of ideologies and doctrines that you might think it was written by a philosophy major.* Judaism’s three thousand years of beautiful tradition are poetically captured in Walter’s rantings about Shomer Shabbos. The nihilists’ firm belief in nothing shares a lane with Smokey’s pacifism. The sheriff of Malibu is clearly a fucking fascist, and say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism—at least it’s an ethos. A closer inspection of Bunny and her friend Sherry reveals their … where were we? Oh, yeah, their hedonism. Maude’s feminism makes most men uncomfortable: vagina. To say that the Stranger’s name is a nod to existentialism might seem like a bit of a stretch, but did you ever notice the copy of Sartre’s Being and Nothingness on the Dude’s bedside table? And Christianity? Jesus. You said it, man.
But more than anything else, fans of the film have noticed a certain Zenlike, Buddhist quality to the Dude. Many times we’ve looked at the Dude and seen a slightly thinner, slightly hairier version of the Buddha. Or, as we like to call him, the Duddha. The Buddha teaches that life is suffering and that the only way to escape this suffering is to follow the eightfold path. This is the (or El Duddharino’s) way.
Duderonomy: Rules to Live by, and Sometimes Break
Just as we were attempting to wrap our heads around this whole Eastern Duddha thing, we were contacted by a fellow Achiever named Oliver Benjamin. Oliver, who sometimes self-applies the name “Olly Lama,” is the founder of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude, also known as Dudeism. At his official Web site, dudeism.com, you can connect with other Dudeists, get Dudeist self-help, and even become an official Dudeist Priest! Following the “instant online ordination,” anyone can legally perform all varieties of religious ceremonies in most U.S. states (check with your local county clerk, as laws vary).
Born in Los Angeles and currently residing in Thailand, Oliver is in a special position to dig the Eastern-meets-Western aspects of The Big Lebowski. Dudeism draws its inspirations from the hodgepodge of world philosophies peppered throughout the film. The rules below, for instance, are based on the Judeo-Christian Bible’s Deuteronomy, the section that deals with laws you need to follow to live life properly and that, as Oliver claims, “is hopelessly outdated. Here’s the Dudeo-Coen version: Duderonomy.”
BOOK 1
1. Thou shalt always use fresh creamer when preparing the sacrificial beverage. To ensure its freshness, it must be sniffed and even sampled before purchase. If it is unclean, put it back.
2. Ideally, half and half shall be used in preparing the sacrificial beverage. Failing this, milk, and, under the most dire of circumstances, nondairy creamer.
3. When confronted by vicious thugs demanding money, give it to them. If you don’t have it, employ humor to lighten the situation. Do not under any circumstances try to fight back by hurling your bowling ball at them.
4. Always write checks whenever possible, as your cash is limited and you never know when you might have to pay off roving bands of heathen nihilists.
5. When discussing a matter of grave importance, or even of trifling idiocy, always make sure to employ expletives as much as possible to prove your heartfelt honesty and conviction. To ensure your Dudeness, all out-of-control, manic discussions should be followed with entreaties to “just take it easy, man.”
6. If an adversary is clearly too uptight to see things from your perspective, don your sunglasses and intone, “Fuck it.” Then take something of fair value from his house as you depart.
7. Employ comfortable furnishings in your home such as reclining chairs, scented candles, Persian rugs, and fanciful minibars with ironic posters of former adversaries. Your house is your temple, and your temple should be well tied together.
8. Always honor your landlord. Do your best to pay the rent on time. Failing that, indulge his artistic ambitions regardless of how utterly misguided they might be.
9. Never have an outward-opening door on your house.
10. When confronted by a large man with a gun who demands that you mark it zero, oblige him. Otherwise you risk entering a world of pain. Ideally he will get his comeuppance from the League for contravening a number of its bylaws.
BOOK 2
1. Never trust wealthy, successful people you hardly know who want to engage you in shady undertakings.
2. Money is the root of all evil. It’s also the root of all good stories, so hooray for money.
3. A plan referred to as “foolproof” is often proved foolish.
4. If you’re a pederast, identify yourself with a major religion in order to throw people off the scent.
5. Respect everyone’s point of view. It’s just, like, their opinion, man.
6. Always remember interesting turns of phrase that you hear so that you can employ them in completely unrelated situations later and convincingly sound as if you know what you’re talking about.
7. The ringer cannot look empty.
8. Make sure to always use the proper pronoun. No one uses the editorial or royal “we” in everyday exchange unless they’re trying to hide something.
9. Never park in a handicapped space if you’ve got a million dollars in the trunk of your car. In fact, never leave a million dollars in the trunk of your car, especially if your car is in lousy condition.
10. If a doctor is referred to as “thorough,” harbor some reservations about visiting him. Unless, of course, you enjoy that sort of thing.
11. When confronted by unfortunate circumstances, forget about it. You can’t be worrying about that shit. Life goes on.
12. Always protect your sacrificial beverage, even in times of severe duress.
13. Whenever possible, try to get paid in cash in order to avoid getting bumped up into a higher tax bracket.
CAREFUL, MAN, THERE’S A BEVERAGE HERE!
WHITE RUSSIAN
2 oz vodka
1 oz Kahlua
half and half (suitable substitutes: milk or nondairy creamer)
Served over ice in a rocks glass.
BLACK RUSSIAN
¾ oz coffee liqueur
1½ oz vodka
Served over ice in a rocks glass.
RED RUSSIAN
1½ oz vodka
¾ oz Heering cherry liqueur
Stir over ice cubes in a mixing glass, strain into an aperitif glass, and serve.
WHITE TRASH RUSSIAN
Vodka
Yoo-Hoo
Drink half a bottle of Yoo-Hoo, refill with vodka, shake, and enjoy.
RUSSIAN
Vodka (Jeff Bridges’s preferred beverage)
Serve over ice in rocks glass, or just drink out of the bottle
BOOK 3
1. Freedom is great. Many young men have died facedown in the muck to protect our freedoms. Nevertheless, one should still be courteous and keep one’s voice down in a family restaurant.
2. Unless you’re a high-ranking member of society, don’t expect too much from the police.
3. Sometimes not having an ethos is an ethos in itself. Usually it’s a bad one, though.
4. Never go into a tournament with a negative attitude.
5. Try not to use so many cusswords. Unless they’re near and dear to your heart, in which case, fuck it.
6. Make sure the window of your car is rolled down before ejecting a burning object. You probably shouldn’t drink beer and drive, either, even though it might come in useful to extinguish the burning object.
7. When strange men show up at your house accusing you of a crime and brandishing evidence, it is best that you feign mental illness and don’t say a peep.
8. What happens when one fucks a stranger in the ass is not always what one might think will happen, nor what is necessarily fair or just to any of the concerned parties.
9. Never trust a known pornographer to whom any sizeable sum of money is owed.
10. Never trust a cab driver who enjoys listening to the Eagles.
BOOK 4
1. If you are a man of modest means and charisma and a rich, beautiful woman wants to have sex with you, don’t question her motives until after the act is over.
2. Avoid living in the past, even if memories can be beautiful and remind you of a time you once enjoyed.
3. Though the man in the black pajamas might be a worthy adversary, you should avoid him whenever possible. Especially if he’s so easily avoided. Choose instead to cling to the tree of life.
4. Just because you’re bereaved doesn’t make you a sap. Keep your wits about you, even when you’re bummed out.
5. Take ’er easy for all the sinners of the world, Dude. Abide. And amen.
Duderonomy appears courtesy of Oliver Benjamin; www.dudeism.com.
Dude Libs
Lebowski Mad Libs, or what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps. (You know, for kids!)
1. Noun ________________
2. Adjective ________________
3. Adjective ________________
4. Adjective ________________
5. Noun (plural)________________
6. Noun (plural) ________________
7. Noun ________________
8. Verb (present tense) ________________
9. Adjective ________________
10. Adjective ________________
11. Adjective________________
12. Noun ________________
13. Adjective ________________
14. Noun ________________
15. Adjective ________________
16. Noun ________________
Sheriff of Malibu County Scene
SHERIFF: Is this your only ID?
DUDE: I know my rights, man.
SHERIFF: You don’t know (1), Lebowski.
DUDE: I want a (2) lawyer, man. I want Bill Kunstler, man … or Ron Kuby.
SHERIFF: Mr. Treehorn tells us that he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were (3) and (4).
DUDE: Jackie Treehorn treats (5) like (6).
SHERIFF: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town, Lebowski. You don’t draw (7), Lebowski. Now, we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don’t like you (8) around bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don’t like your (9) name, I don’t like your (10) face, I don’t like your (11) behavior, and I don’t like you, (12). Do I make myself clear?
DUDE: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. [Sheriff throws coffee cup, hits Dude in forehead.] Ow! (13) fascist!
SHERIFF: Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski! Stay out of Malibu, (14)! Keep your ugly (15) goldbricking (16) out of my beach community!
* You’d be right. Ethan Coen earned a degree in philosophy from Princeton.