SHANAI WILLIAMS
YEARS AS MENTEE: 3
GRADE: Senior
HIGH SCHOOL: NYC iSchool
BORN: Bronx, NY
LIVES: Bronx, NY
PUBLICATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS: Girls Write Now: Two Decades of True Stories from Young Female Voices, published by Tin House
MENTEE’S ANECDOTE: The 2018–2019 Girls Write Now year marks another successful one for Julia and I. We found inspiration at the Andy Warhol exhibit at the Whitney, in the theater watching If Beale Street Could Talk, and at our usual spot, Maison Kayser, on Fifty-Ninth Street. We’ve had so much chemistry in our two years together. After our meetings I can count on having something to write about or another way to flesh out an idea. Julia has been more than a mentor to me, she’s been a friend, and since I’ll be off at college next year, I hope we stay in contact.
JULIA CARPENTER
YEARS AS MENTOR: 2
OCCUPATION: Journalist
BORN: Atlanta, GA
LIVES: Brooklyn, NY
PUBLICATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS: The Write for Rights Award, National Lesbian & Gay Journalist Excellence in Journalism Award nominee
MENTOR’S ANECDOTE: Shanai has had such a roller-coaster year! Winning Posse, applying for scholarships, prepping for graduation and college—it’s been an honor to cheer her on every step of the way. I’m going to miss our coffee dates (hot cocoa for her, cappuccino for me, bread for us both) and our frenzied idea-storming sessions. Her powers of determination push me to push myself. When I’m nervous about it, I think, Be like Shanai. She’s fearless in going after what she wants. I think we all need some of that Shanai spirit sometimes.
A lot of the time I find myself scared to feel good for fear of being disappointed. This piece is representative of the stage of my life where I actively began trying to think differently.
“You can’t be so scared of life. I know you’re thinking ‘what if’ ‘what if,’ but what if you’re fucking great?” —My Dad
…
About twenty of us were there, but only ten would be fortunate enough to be a part of Wheaton Posse 20, Class of 2023. A full tuition scholarship, to be accepted Early Decision and go with a group of nine other high school graduates from the same city—sounds like a scared, sad, broke girl’s dream.
And it seemed everyone knew I was that girl, except me. Why? Well, maybe it’ll make sense if I explain it in the way that I know it is true.
In my soon-to-be-eighteen years of living I’ve realized my life is what some may call a telenovela, others may call it a movie, but universally my life can be regarded as a roller coaster.
A concise timeline of my life up until that point would go something like this:
My Birth—Strap in the ride, thumbs up is given for us to proceed.
My childhood until the fifth grade—On the up and up, reaching the first peak of the ride, sun shining in my face.
After fifth grade graduation—aka my family of seven separating and being reduced down to two—And down we go for the first drop.
Beginning of middle school, my dad meets a woman with kids, they move in, they seem nice—A small pick back up, I’m starting to feel the sun.
They weren’t nice, I wasn’t fed enough, I was emotionally neglected and seeking love from everywhere else, for the rest of middle school—Big drop, very fast, seemingly never-ending.
High school starts with my sights set on new beginnings and graduating early—Nothing can stop me I’m all the way up!
Guidance counselor tells me that’s not possible at my school—Wow and here we go again.
Dad gets a new girl and she cooks! AMAZINGLY!—Okay, we’re going up …
I started seeing and taking care of my little sister more often—Oh, we’re going pretty high …
Sophomore year, realize I’m actually a talented writer—OOOO!
Remember nightly that my whole family isn’t there to witness my growth—Yup, now it’s starting make sense, leveling out.
Sifting through friend after friend and girlfriend after girlfriend to find someone who just clicks with me and can fill that space I need—Now the loopty loop, it’s fun, but repetitive and I can’t breathe.
I move in with my mom—The ride’s slowing down.
My granny on my dad’s side dies—Never mind, full force downhill.
Senior year, the gateway to college, the opportunity to gain the freedom I’ve yearned for, and the ability to finally control my own life—The ride levels out, but now I can’t guess where it’ll go. Will it go up, where I get accepted to a college that I can regard as my dream school, with a full ride? Will it go down, where I never find a school for me? Or a loop where, I’ll find one and be up for a scholarship but not get it, leaving me to drown in debt like my mom?
My life is just a never-ending cycle of checks and balances.
So what more could I expect from an opportunity to reach a dream that seemed too good to be true. Exactly as much as I did: nothing. Every time a teacher at my school would congratulate me, I’d shrug it off. What good is getting excited over something that’s bound to cause disappointment?
But in the final interview, everyone else was being honest with themselves and they were phenomenal. How would I be chosen if it didn’t seem like this is what I wanted? So I decided to get vulnerable and be honest with myself—and it only got scarier. I stumbled over my words, I shook, I blanked.
I got home that night, worried.
And then I got the call: “Would you like to be a part of Wheaton Posse Twenty?”
Did I get that scholarship because I had a change of heart? Who knows. But getting that scholarship made me think more about how I approach things I care about.
A writing teacher of mine who was talking to me about submitting my pieces for publication said something along the lines of: “You don’t want to be denied for compromising yourself to write in a way you thought they’d like. Because then it feels like you lost twice. You wrote this differently from how you’d write for them and they still didn’t like it. You might as well have been yourself and found out the true results.”
And he’s right. I was myself for Posse and I got it. I’m not saying a change in attitude will guarantee this ride is always on the up and up. But I am saying if I can’t control the direction of this roller coaster at least I can control how I enjoy the ride.