12

JUDGE BAO ORDERS THE ARREST OF A DEMON PRIEST;

LI TWO INFORMS ON THE DEMON AND FALLS TO HIS DEATH.

POEM:

Content yourself with virtuous poverty;

To unrighteous profit try not to yield.

When the moth strikes the flame, its life is lost;

When the bat meets the pole,1 its fate is sealed.

When Inspector Wen and his constables burst into the noodle shop, they found a priest descending the stairs. Wen pointed with his iron-jointed whip and ordered his constables to arrest the man, but when the priest saw the constables coming after him, he pointed at them. Lo and behold, the proprietor behind his counter, the waiters scurrying to and fro, and the customers eating their noodles—all of them turned into priests, as did Inspector Wen and his constables. They gazed at one other, stupefied. The constables surveyed the scene before them but didn’t know whom to arrest, and in the ensuing commotion, all the customers dispersed. Then Inspector Wen noticed that although the proprietor and the rest of the people had reverted to their original forms, the priest was nowhere to be seen. He told his men to split up and give chase, and also dispatched messengers to each of the city gates with orders that any priest found trying to leave the city should be arrested.

He returned to the yamen just as the prefect was holding his evening session. Wen bowed, and Bao said, “I told you to arrest the demon priest. What happened?”

“Sir, I acted on your order to arrest Pellet Priest,” said Wen. “Just now I saw a magician in front of the Great Xiangguo Temple, a magician called Seven Saints Du, who cut off his son’s head with one stroke of his knife. Upstairs in the noodle shop opposite was a priest who caught the boy’s soul, thus preventing Du from joining his son’s head back onto the body. Du became furious, and after planting a bottle gourd seed in the ground, cut the gourd in two—and upstairs in the noodle shop the priest’s head rolled off as he was eating his noodles. He groped about on the floor until he found the head, and then fitted it on again—and down below the boy’s head also joined up. On seeing this extraordinary sequence of events, I sent my men in to arrest the priest. But he pointed at us, and all the people in the noodle shop, including my constables and me, turned into priests, rendering us utterly helpless. Sir, I beg to report that this kind of demon is indeed truly difficult to arrest. I await Your Honor’s further orders.”

“With demons of this sort about in the capital, I fear that the court will blame me, as prefect of Kaifeng, if there’s any further trouble,” said Bao. He ordered the duty clerk to write out proclamations to be hung on all the city gates, informing the personnel of religious establishments that if they could catch Pellet Priest, they would receive a thousand strings from the public purse; if, on the other hand, they took in any priests of dubious background and harbored or hid them without informing the authorities, they as well as their neighbors would be held collectively responsible. The order threw the capital and its environs into an uproar.

In the market district of the Eastern Capital there was a fruit seller named Li Two, who lived with his wife at an inn. Only recently recovered from an illness, he had no capital left to carry on his business. He was accustomed to visiting friends and trying to borrow two or three hundred cash for his daily expenses, but on this particular day he had not managed to borrow anything, and he returned home utterly dejected.

“How did you get on?” his wife asked.

“I tell you, I didn’t manage to borrow so much as a single cash. There’s such pandemonium in the streets that the vendors can’t do any business. They say that yesterday a priest was eating noodles upstairs in a noodle shop when his head suddenly rolled off and fell to the floor. He groped about until he found it, and then, holding it by the ears, planted it back on his neck, where it joined up again. The constables saw these weird goings-on and rushed forward as one man to arrest him, but the priest pointed at them, and everyone in that whole shop changed to look like the priest. Now the prefecture is offering a reward of one thousand strings of cash for the priest’s arrest. It turns out that this same man, who’s known as Pellet Priest, cheated Marshal Goodman Wang out of three thousand strings just a few days ago.”

“Are you telling me the truth?” his wife asked.

“I saw the notice just now. Why would I lie to you?”

“You and I have no food left. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if by some lucky chance we were able to catch this priest, claim the thousand strings, and set ourselves up in business?”

“Nonsense! If the authorities heard what you’re saying, it’d be no laughing matter, I assure you.”

“I guarantee that you can claim that thousand strings.”

“And just how are you going to do that?”

“Let me tell you. He could be here, there, or anywhere, but he happens to be right in front of our eyes.”

“Where?”

“In the room next door.”

“What is it about him that gives him away?”

“He’s been living next door to us for three months now, and I’ve never once seen him go out begging for alms or reading sutras for people. He sleeps until breakfast, then gets up and goes out. Only after dark does he return, and he’s always dead drunk. Half a month ago, I ate something that was too cold for me, and I had indigestion and a stomachache. I wanted to go to the back, but I was afraid the room would be too small and I’d leave too much of a smell, so I had to go to the privy behind the inn. As I went past his room, it was midmorning, and I could see a light flashing from inside the room. I thought he must have left a lamp on from the night before, so I peeped through a crack in the wall and saw him lying on his bed with his whole body giving off sparks. He raised his head, and his body soared up from the bed until it was pressing against the rafters. I was so terrified that I didn’t dare go to the privy but returned to our room. He simply has to be the demon priest.”

“Is that true?”

“When have I ever told you a lie?”

“Keep your voice down, then. Don’t let this get out.”

After giving instructions to his wife, he left the inn and without telling anyone went straight to police headquarters. Once there, however, he did not dare go in but walked to and fro in front of the gate. A constable saw him and called out, “What do you want, Li Two? You keep going to and fro.”

“Officer, I have something confidential that I’ve come specially to tell the inspector about.”

“Wait there by the gate while I give him the message.”

Inspector Wen was at his tribunal when the constable came in and reported: “Sir, the fruit seller Li Two was walking to and fro outside the gate, and when I asked him why, he said he had something confidential he wanted to tell you.”

“Send him in.”

The constable went out and brought Li Two into the lower part of the chamber, where he gave a deep bow.

Inspector Wen was afraid of frightening the man, so he adopted a genial tone. “Well, Li Two, what did you want to see me about?”

“Sir, recently I’ve been ill and unable to work. This morning I went out to do some errands and saw an official proclamation. I can read a little, and I saw that the notice was offering a thousand strings of cash as a reward for the arrest of the demon priest. I went home and told my wife about it, and she said, ‘That priest living next door to us is the demon priest.’ ”

The inspector did not dare show his astonishment. Affecting a smile, he said, “Li Two, in a case such as this we have to be extremely careful. In your and your wife’s opinion, what was it about this priest that gave him away?”

Li Two repeated the story that his wife had told him.

“We shall need to follow the correct procedure. Go off and file a formal accusation.”

Li Two went out and asked the constable on duty to draft an accusation for him. He then asked for a sheet of paper, copied out the accusation in regular script, and brought it back to the chamber and handed it to the inspector.

“Is the priest at the inn now?” asked Wen.

“He goes out every morning after breakfast and doesn’t return until dusk.”

“You sit here while I get someone to buy you some wine.” Before long the wine arrived and was offered to him. Wen then called in the constables and told Li to act as guide. They left police headquarters and moved to a tea shop beside the inn. After taking a seat in the tea shop, Wen told Li to walk to and fro outside, watching for the priest.

It was not yet dusk when the priest was seen lurching and staggering down the street, dead drunk. Li Two rushed into the tea shop to report to Wen: “Sir, he’s here!”

The priest was just passing by the door of the tea shop at the time. Wen pointed him out to the group of constables and gave the order, “Arrest the demon priest.” With a roar they rushed forward like eagles swooping down on a swallow or tigers devouring a lamb. Pulling the priest to the ground and trussing him up with a hemp rope, they escorted him under close guard to police headquarters in Sweet Spring Lane.

“Thank goodness!” said Inspector Wen. “We’ve solved the case and relieved His Honor of his concern.” Although the constables trussed the priest up like a stuffed dumpling, he did not awaken from his drunken sleep but continued his snoring.

Wen went directly to the yamen and reported to the prefect. “The demon priest has been arrested. Properly speaking, he should have been brought before you, but he’s drunk and unconscious. He’s in police headquarters at present. I await your instructions.”

Bao told him to see that the priest was held securely and to bring him over in time for the morning session the following day. Wen left and went back to police headquarters, where he saw that the priest had still not awakened. He told the constables to guard him with the utmost care.

Around midnight the priest sobered up, feeling highly uncomfortable. He opened his eyes to find lamps blazing as bright as day and constables sitting on both sides of him. “Where am I?” he asked.

“You’re in police headquarters,” said the constables.

“What crime have I committed that I’m tied up in here?”

The constables knew well enough that he was a demon priest and they did not dare to provoke him. One of them, an older and more experienced hand, said, “Reverend, you mustn’t make the mistake of blaming us for this—we’re just doing our job. We all have families at home, and we don’t want to bring any trouble down upon ourselves. According to Li Two, the fruit seller who lives next door to you at the inn, in the three months that you’ve been there you’ve never once gone out to read sutras for people or beg for alms. Every day you’ve just gotten drunk. He said you had a suspicious background, and that’s why we came and arrested you.”

“But I haven’t done anything since I received some alms in an official’s compound!”

“There’s nothing to be done about that now. Wait until tomorrow morning, when you go before His Honor and can argue your case with Li Two.”

Toward the fifth watch, Wen told the constables to bring the priest under close arrest to the yamen to await a hearing. As the prefect entered the chamber, his subordinates stood before him. The court was in perfect order, and as for the prefect, he was “a crystal lantern, a brilliant candle lighting up the sky.”2 “Silence in the court!” shouted the runners as Wen escorted the priest into the lower part of the chamber and bowed before the prefect.

The prefect read Li Two’s accusation and angrily berated the priest: “You scoundrel! You became a priest, but you weren’t content with your lot; you had the gall to cheat someone out of his money!” He ordered the jailers to bring out the long cangue and lock the priest in it, then ordered two strapping jailers to come before him: “Give this priest a hundred strokes. When you’ve done that, I’ll examine him.”

The jailers bowed their assent, but they had struck the priest’s legs no more than two or three times before an uproar broke out among the audience. “Silence!” shouted the doorkeeper, without producing the slightest effect. The prefect could see the cangue, but he could not see any priest—there was a broom tied up in his place. “How could there be such a demon?” he asked. “A moment ago we had him arrested and locked up in the cangue. How is it there’s a broom in his place?”

As he spoke, shouts were heard from outside the yamen gate, and the prefect asked in surprise, “What’s going on out there?”

“Sir, there’s a priest outside the gate who’s clapping his hands, roaring with laughter, and calling out, ‘Good old Bao Longtu! He can’t touch me!’ ” said the gatekeeper.

Bao was furious. “How dare he insult me like that?” He immediately ordered his men to arrest the man. “Whoever catches this demon priest will get the stipulated reward of one thousand strings!”

The constables rushed out of the yamen gate and went to seize the priest, but he saw them coming and promptly walked to the city market, as casual as you please, the sleeves of his cassock swinging from side to side. The constables spotted him, but when they quickened their pace, he quickened his; when they slowed their pace, he slowed his; and when they stopped altogether, he stopped, too. They pursued him until they were exhausted and came to a halt. They could get within a few dozen paces of him, but they could never quite catch up. They chased him all the way to the front of the Xiangguo Temple. The priest was standing on Yan’an Bridge, and when he saw them coming, he ran into the temple.

“He’s cornered,” said Wen. “One way or another we’ll catch him now.” He ordered half his men to surround the front and back gates of the temple and the other half to split up and go through the Buddha Hall and the two porticoes. At this point the abbot of the temple came out, and after greeting Wen, said, “Inspector, this is a court temple. Why are you causing all this disturbance, leading a group of armed men into the temple?”

“I’m under orders from His Honor the prefect, and I have pursued a demon priest into your temple. Don’t hide him. If you’re wise, you’ll tie him up and bring him out.”

“My temple has hundreds of priests, all with proper certification,” said the abbot. “As for itinerant priests who call at the temple, the monk in charge of reception has never dared let any of them stay the night. If you have pursued someone into the temple, you must know him by sight. In that case, why didn’t you arrest him before, instead of coming in here to get him?”

“This demon priest has cheated Marshal Goodman Wang out of three thousand strings of cash and plagued everyone in the prefecture, giving them no peace. If you don’t send him out, I’ll report that to the prefect, and your temple will be held responsible.”

This threat so alarmed the abbot that he said, “But inspector! All our priests have clean records—none is a demon priest. If you don’t believe me, I’ll call them out so that you can inspect them one by one.”

“Very good!” said Wen.

The abbot tolled the bell to summon the hundred or more priests, and then had Inspector Wen examine them. He and his men did so, and found that none was the demon priest. “Abbot!” said Wen, “I pursued him into your temple myself. How could he have disappeared? You will have to let us search the temple.”

“I’ll lead the way, and you can search.” From the monks’ cells to the kitchens, the latrines and the storerooms, Wen and his men searched through the temple without success. Turning to the Buddha Hall, they found a statue of a six-spirit Buddha with three heads like mountain peaks and six arms like mountain ranges, each arm holding one of the six items of a monk’s possessions.

“You don’t have any buddha images in the temple,” said Wen. “Why is there a statue of Prince Nezha here?”

“Prince Nezha is the Royal Buddha Aryacalanatha,” said the abbot. “He reforms people by rewarding the good and punishing the bad.”

Wen and his men saw that the hall was completely empty save for the statue of Nezha. Just as they were leaving, they heard someone from the upper part of the hall shout out, “Inspector Wen! Prefect Bao told you to arrest me. Now that you’ve seen me, why don’t you do it?” Wen and his men turned to look and realized that the sound was coming from Prince Nezha’s statue, a plaster work decorated in multiple colors that stood over fifteen feet high. The statue’s six arms were shaking, and the middle one of his three heads had its mouth open, with the four canine teeth dripping blood as he called out, “Inspector Wen! Come and arrest me!”

The onlookers were terrified. “A ghost! A ghost!” they cried. They wanted to rush forward and arrest Nezha, but Nezha was a plaster statue. How do you arrest a statue?

“Why don’t you get your men to come and arrest me?” Nezha continued.

They consulted together. “Perhaps the plaster statue of Nezha has turned into a malevolent spirit and come out to plague us? Let’s go and report to the prefect. We’ll need to smash the statue to stop it from coming out and causing trouble.”

“Inspector, you can’t do that!” said the abbot. “The molding and coloring both cost money, and if the statue is smashed, it will be very hard to restore.”

“If we don’t do away with it now, I fear it will cause disaster in the future!”

From the ranks of the priests one man of notably virtuous character brought his hands together in prayer over his chest and said in front of Buddha, “May the dragon kings and devas and the Three Precious Ones3 protect the Buddha truth and drive the demon priest out; otherwise, I fear that the god’s statue will be destroyed.” After he had finished his prayer, they heard someone outside clapping his hands and roaring with laughter: “Here I am, Inspector! Why waste your energy?”

The constables looked—it was the priest. With a roar they surged forward to arrest him. But although they could manage to get within a dozen paces of him, they could never quite catch him. The priest led them out of the Xiangguo Temple and onto the main street. The vendors were prevented from doing their business; their stands were overturned and their tables and chairs knocked over as the number of spectators grew and grew. The constables pursued the priest back and forth and then right out of the city. Passing the Reception Pavilion,4 they had nearly reached the end of the market when the priest called out, “Don’t chase me anymore! I’m going home of my own accord.” He gave a glance at the River Bian and leaped. There was a sudden splash. He had leaped into the river.

“We’ve done it!” said the constables. “He’s saved us endless trouble by drowning himself!”

The river had a swift current, and the men said, “I don’t know how far his body will be carried before it comes to a stop.”

Wen had to go back and report to the prefect, who was in court hearing cases at the time. Bowing deeply, Wen proceeded to give a full account of the arrest of the demon priest.

Prefect Bao listened and said, “Confound the man! I feel so frustrated that I couldn’t do anything to him, but at least he’s jumped into the river and drowned.”

The words were hardly out of his mouth when he heard a woman’s voice below the steps protesting an injustice. “What are you protesting about?” the prefect asked.

“Your Honor, because my husband, Li Two, informed on him, the demon priest has been arrested, but my husband is being held in jail. At this point I’m not hoping for any reward money, I just want my husband home so that we can try to make ends meet. I beg Your Honor to rule on the matter.”

“Li Two gave us the correct information,” said the prefect, “and he deserves to receive the reward. Why is he being held in jail?”

“We haven’t put him in jail,” said Wen. “He’s being held at police headquarters and given food and wine morning and night pending Your Honor’s instructions.”

The prefect ordered him released, and Wen went straight to police headquarters and told Li Two to appear before the prefect. “Since we posted the notice before he gave us the information, it’s only right that he should receive the thousand strings reward,” said the prefect. At that time in the capital a string of cash was worth one tael of silver, and for an impoverished vendor like Li it was a wonderful boon to receive a thousand strings out of the blue like this. He and his wife accepted the reward money in court, thanked the prefect, and returned to the inn.

From ancient times to the present, storytellers have told the same old story: if you have no money, that’s that, but once you acquire some, you have Master A and Master B urging you to spend it and even volunteering to help. Li Two rented a house in front of the Xiangguo Temple itself and set up a large fruit shop. He and his wife enjoyed a comfortable existence.

One winter day about noontime they were sitting before a charcoal stove. They had poured a few cups of wine and were drinking when a man walked in. “Li Two,” he said, “if you have any fruit, I’d like to buy some.”

Recognizing Pellet Priest, both Li and his wife were struck dumb with fright.

“Li Two,” continued the priest, “if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be enjoying the life you lead today. I’ve come specially to ask for a vegetarian meal.” Now, if either Li or his wife had had a grain of sense, they’d have come forward and thanked the priest. Even if they had given him a meal, how much would that have cost them? Surely he didn’t really want their food? Perhaps he just came to test them. Alternatively, they could have gracefully declined his request and gotten him out of the house. But Li and his wife were not so sensible, and never in a million years should Li have said what he did say.

“You demon priest!” he said. “We heard you’d been caught by the constables and had leaped into the river and drowned. Why have you come back to our place to cause more trouble? If you have any sense, you’ll go away as quickly as you can. If you delay a moment longer, we’ll raise the alarm. Don’t blame us if the local patrol arrests you and takes you to court!”

“If they could do anything to me, they’d have arrested me a long time ago. You informed on me, and I was accused, whereas I helped you to earn a thousand strings of reward money and live a comfortable life. I came here to visit you, and you ought to have thanked me. Instead you have this wicked idea of calling the constables in to arrest me. You’re behaving most unreasonably, and I’m going to make you suffer for it!” He pointed and shouted, “Presto!” The fire pan beside Li Two flew up in the air and struck him full in the face, and he fell to the floor screaming. When his wife rushed to his aid and lifted him up, she saw that the charcoal had singed his face, which was now covered in blisters. But when she looked around for the priest, he had disappeared.

Li’s burns were unbearably painful. In the days before he had any money, he would have been forced to endure the pain, but because he had all those strings of cash, he called in a doctor to treat him. However, the medicine that the doctor prescribed stung even worse than the burns. Li cried out in agony for three days and nights, and his wife was at her wits’ end. Then, just at that point a Daoist priest appeared at the door in a black turban and yellow gown and approached the counter. “Seeking alms!” he called out.

“If we weren’t in so much trouble, I wouldn’t think twice about giving you two or three cash, but a man’s life is in danger here, and I simply don’t have the time to give you anything.”

“What’s the trouble, madam?”

“Let me tell you, Master. A demon priest flung hot coals all over my husband’s face, leaving him with a great many blisters that hurt even more when the medicine is applied to them. He’s been screaming with pain for three days and nights now, and I fear he’s going to die.”

“Madam, I have obtained some burn medicine that stops the pain when it’s applied and then causes the scabs to fall off. It has proved successful in many cases and has saved numerous lives.”

“Even if it doesn’t cure him, so long as it stops the pain, I’ll give you a handsome reward.”

“Then ask him to come out here. And do get me some water.” She went in and helped her husband out, and also handed the master a cup of water. He shook some medicine from a packet into the water, then steeped a goose feather in the mixture and spread it over the sores.

Li Two cried out in delight. “What marvelous medicine! My burns have stopped hurting, just as if ice and snow had been applied to them.”

“You can hardly call that marvelous! What would you say if I made the scabs fall off and cured you altogether?”

“If you could do that, I’d be everlastingly grateful, Master.”

“You’re suffering from what’s called ‘evil heat.’ You need to go outside and face the breeze in some cool spot, and the scabs will fall off.”

Li Two followed the priest’s directions and went out to the street. The master told him to sit on a stool, and then said, “Now say, ‘Off with the scabs’ three times, and they’ll fall off.”

Li was more than delighted to hear this, and he yelled out the words at the top of his lungs, at which the stool soared up into the sky and came to rest squarely on top of the hundred-foot-tall flagstaff of the Xiangguo Temple. The people on the street below set up a great commotion, and when Li’s wife came out to see what the matter was, she received a terrible shock. “Oh, no!” she cried. “Master, how can my husband get down?”

“Don’t panic! I’ll get him down. Let me show you who I really am.” He took off his yellow robe and black turban, and when she looked more closely, she let out a cry of horror—it was the demon priest.

“Your husband was most unreasonable,” said the priest. “He set his heart on destroying me, but he couldn’t do it. And now I’m going to make him sense a little fear on top of that flagpole!”

A vociferous crowd had gathered in the street below to watch what was happening. Among them were some constables, who said, “The authorities have just posted notices offering tons of money for capturing the demon. This priest is up to his old tricks again, and we’ll surely be held responsible.” The constables and bailiffs5 rushed forward to arrest the priest, but he slipped into the crowd and was lost to sight. “We’ve never seen such a fantastic thing in all our lives!” people cried.

Li Two clung tightly to the top of the flagpole. There was no way he could possibly get down. The spectators discussed how to rescue him, but there was no ladder long enough to reach him, and the entire population, soldiers as well as civilians, was thrown into a state of alarm. “How terrifying that priest is!” they said. “That fellow will never be able to get down!”

The local patrolmen raced off to tell Prefect Bao, who came immediately by sedan chair. He stepped out, opened up a folding chair, and sat down in front of the temple. On looking up, he saw Li Two sitting on a stool on top of the flagpole, shouting for help. Concluding that there was no way to get him down, Bao summoned Li’s wife and questioned her.

She prostrated herself before him. “How did your husband happen to get up there?” he asked. “Tell me the truth, now.” She told him the whole story in detail of how the priest had asked for alms and then burned her husband’s face, and how the Daoist master had treated him.

“That confounded demon priest has behaved outrageously! The next time we catch him, we’ll show him no mercy whatsoever!” The words were hardly out of Bao’s mouth when a priest approached from the side of the Buddha Hall and bowed deeply before him.

Prefect Bao glared at him. “Well, priest, what business do you have with me?”

“I know how to get Li Two down.”

“If you can rescue Li Two, I’ll reward you with a vegetarian meal.”

The priest then shinned up the flagpole, threw both arms around Li Two, and proclaimed in a loud voice, “Bao Longtu! You’re an honest official, and I wouldn’t have dared to upset you. But what did my begging three thousand strings from Marshal Wang have to do with you, that you should try to arrest me? I have nothing else to repay you with, so I’m returning Li Two to you instead!” From high up in the air he flung Li Two to the ground. The crowd let out a horrified cry, and when they looked at Li Two, they saw

His frame was like the moon at dawn, sunk below the hills,

His life was like a midnight lamp, its oil run dry.

Did Li Two lose his life in the end? Turn to the next chapter to find out.