LOURDES
I realized something I didn’t know before today—I hate planes. The entire ride from Texas to Baltimore was turbulent and my heart rose and fell every time there was a bump. The only thing that kept me from screaming was how calm everyone else looked.
Even though I was now riding in a rental car with Officer Mary McDonough, on the way to my destination, I didn’t feel any better. I felt nauseous and although the commute was smoother, I was starting to wonder if I was making a mistake. Being taken out of Texas and transported all the way to Baltimore told me that telling authorities what I saw at the school may have been more dangerous than I thought.
As she continued to drive, I thought about the physical they made me take. They took an HIV test and other STD tests, which were required for me to stay in the home I was going to in Baltimore. I was confined to a hotel room for three days while I waited on the results. I had to admit, I was worried. I lived a fast life and wasn’t sure what would come back. Although I used condoms when I had vaginal or anal sex, I slipped up when I gave a blowjob to Coach Grison. When everything came back in the clear, it was the only relief I had at that moment in my life. Despite my lifestyle, I was disease free.
“Why are you helping me?” I asked the officer as she steered the car down the dark Baltimore Street. “You don’t have to do this, so what’s it about?”
“What did I tell you about asking questions you really don’t want to know the answer to?” She didn’t look at me. “Try to get a nap, Lourdes. You’re in for some long days.”
I stared out the window as we passed strange streets I didn’t recognize. “I really want to know.” I cleared my throat. “If you want me to trust you, the least you can do is be honest with me. I feel like I’m out of my league, like…like…”
She sighed. “Five years ago, there was a child murdered at a middle school back home in Texas. She was a beautiful, mousy little girl, with a small voice and large heart. She didn’t fit in much with other girls her age, mostly because she wore huge black rimmed glasses and had a limp.” She stopped at a red light. “But she would smile at everyone she met, even strangers.”
Tears rolled down her face and my heart broke. Now I wished I hadn’t pried and remained silent like she asked. “It’s okay, Officer McDonough, you don’t have to tell me the rest. I’m going to close my eyes and try to get some rest.”
She wiped the tears away from her face. “It’s okay, Lourdes. Besides, I want to tell you. Anyway, I haven’t told this story to anyone, not even my ex-husband, who left me because I couldn’t open up about what I was feeling. He said I didn’t talk to him about the pain I was in and he felt isolated in our marriage. Divorced me because of it and everything.”
I held my head down. What an idiot I was.
“Like I was saying she…she didn’t fit in at school but everybody who knew her loved her. And then one day, she was found dead in the girl’s bathroom at school. Her head was slammed repeatedly against the sink and her brain had hemorrhaged. The authorities said they’d never seen anything so violent at a middle school before.”
My mouth hung open. “Anybody see what happened? Or who did it?”
“The security guard at the school said three people were seen coming in and out of that bathroom. They were the school’s guidance counselor, the nurse and Feather Holliday.”
My body trembled as she recounted the story. Feather was more dangerous than I envisioned and I felt a small sense of responsibility.
“The police investigated it and the two staff members were ready to testify that they both saw Feather taunting and teasing the child when they were inside the bathroom,” she continued. “The employees even had to tell her to stop bothering her on several different occasions because the bullying had gotten so bad.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. “The girl was your daughter?”
“She is my daughter, whether she’s with me or not.”
“I’m so sorry, Officer McDonough. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay. Like I said, I need this release.”
“So w-what happened with the case?” I stuttered.
“Morgan Holliday, Feather’s father, tried to pay off the nurse to keep her from testifying but she wouldn’t bite. She told him my daughter was the sweetest little girl she’d ever met, and if she lied for him she would never be able to live with herself.” She sighed. “Morgan got frustrated and said she didn’t have to live with herself. So he killed her.”
My eyes widened. “What about the counselor? Is she okay?”
“She quit her job, changed her story about what she saw and moved into a beautiful home in Miami six months later. It’s not hard to figure out that she took the bribe.” My teeth rattled and she looked over at me. “I guess you know where this is going now.”
“Yes,” I nodded. “You had to get me away because the same could happen to me.”
“Yes, Lourdes.”
I could feel my thighs sweating. “I changed my mind. I want to go home, Officer. I…I don’t want to be involved in any of this. Now that I think about it, the jury probably would never believe me anyway. I mean, look at me.” I raised my arms for effect. “I’m wearing a little mini skirt and I’ve been in jail more times than I care to admit for selling my body. They’ll ruin me in court and if anything, I’d make the case worse.”
She glanced over at me. I could tell she was frustrated. “It’s too late for you to change your mind, Lourdes. We need you. I need you.”
“My mama told me it’s never too late. I…I’ll pretend I don’t know anything. I’ll pretend that I need glasses and can’t see straight. There’s a way for me to get out of this! Please, I don’t want him to do something to me too.”
She shook her head and I could feel the disgust flying off of her body. “If you really want to go back to Texas, I’ll take you home tomorrow. I can’t do it tonight because we’ve traveled so far. Okay?”
“Thank you,” I said softly. “I really am sorry about all of this. I know you went through a lot to bring me here but this isn’t for me.”
“No problem, Lourdes,” she said with an attitude. “You’ll have to stay in the place tonight, and I’ll be back first thing in the morning to take you to the airport. But, when you’re preparing to leave tomorrow, I ask that you do me one favor.”
“Of course, anything!” My smile was so wide, my lips cracked on the sides.
“I ask that you think about your mother and what she would think about all of this. Ask yourself if she would be proud of you for saying you’d do something and changing your mind a little later. Also ask if she’ll be upset that the murdered child’s family will never get the answers they need about what happened to their only child.”
Suddenly my smile faded and I felt dumb. What a low blow. I made a mistake of telling her how much my mama means to me and she used it against me. The worst part about it all is that it worked.
“Now I know you may think that was mean but it’s the truth,” she continued. “Somebody loved that little girl. And whether you testify or not, if you return home, you and I both know that Holliday will kill you. You know why?”
“Why?” I asked in a whisper.
“Because the entire state of Texas knows you left town with an officer, and if that’s the case, you had to tell me something already. They’ll label you a snitch and be done with you forever. Whether you want to believe it or not, Baltimore is the safest place for you.”
I felt stupid, guilty and ugly because I was breaking a hood code. But I also knew that no matter what, I would always go back home. My mother’s grave was there. My heart was there and so many memories, both good and bad, were there. “Can you pull over at that restaurant?”
“We’re almost there, Lourdes.”
“Please.”
She pulled over in front of a chicken shack and I hopped out of the car. I pushed through the door and headed straight for the bathroom. When I was inside of a stall, I pulled my panties down, squatted and pulled out the baggie of heroin I had stuffed inside of me. I reached in my purse and grabbed a spoon, lighter and syringe. Sitting on the edge of that toilet, I prepared my hit and licked my lips. I needed this relief. When I was done, I inserted the needle into my arm and injected the dope in my vein. Just that quickly, nothing else mattered.
When I was done, I left the bathroom and wobbled outside to the waiting car. The moment I sat down, Officer McDonough gave me an evil look. “You didn’t.”
“After what you told me, I needed to feel better.”
“You’re going to have to find something else to do to get your mind off of drugs, Lourdes.”
“What else can I do?” I asked as my head nodded a little and I rubbed my arms.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll find out. I know you and you are a good person. The only thing holding you back from being who you can be is drugs.”
When we drove up on Belair Road, in Baltimore City, my heart rocked. This place looked like a crime scene. It was as if we had entered a war zone. Hood soldiers stood outside of the buildings and many had guns on their waists. Even the Officer appeared shocked at the blatant disrespect for the law. It was safe to say that her Texas badge meant nothing there.
Finally, we pulled up to an abandoned-looking neighborhood and she parked in front of a broken down building with a Jesus statue in the yard. “Who am I going to meet here?” I asked.
“I’m told his name is Jamal Shield. That’s all I know right now.”
“Well how did you find him?”
“I didn’t. The nurse who works here is a good friend of mine. She was actually a police officer until she got a call to come here and help those in greater need.” She grabbed my bag out the back seat and said, “Come on. It’s time to go inside.”
I got out of the car, grabbed my briefcase and followed her slowly. The moment my high heel shoes click clacked against the concrete, I was heckled and eyeballed by neighborhood thugs. Although I was used to men treating me like meat due to my line of work, I didn’t know the men of this city or what they were capable of. I was beyond nervous and all I wanted to do was get high again.
The Officer walked into the house without knocking and I was taken aback by what I saw the moment the door opened. The furniture looked run down, like it hadn’t been loved or cared for. I’d rather live in an alley than in there. I hoped I wouldn’t have to be there long.
“Diane,” Officer McDonough screamed as she hugged a slender, dark skinned woman, who walked toward us from the back of the house. “How have you been? It’s been so long! You look great!”
“I’m hanging in there,” the woman responded before separating from the embrace. “You look good too, girl. Plus you lost a whole lot of weight.”
Officer McDonough smoothed her own ponytail. “Unfortunately, I’m not trying to lose weight. You know life gets in the way sometimes.” She turned around and looked back at me. “Come here, Lourdes, and meet my good friend. The one I was telling you about.”
The moment the woman looked into my eyes, I liked her immediately. Her expression was kind and non-judgmental. I felt the same way when I first met Officer McDonough. It was as if she looked at me as a human. Not a whore, troublemaker or liar.
“Come here, Lourdes,” Diane said to me. I walked over to her and stopped a few feet in front of her. “You’re such a beautiful and brave young lady and I don’t want you to worry about anything.” She rubbed the side of my hair. “You’ll be safe here. It might not look like much and we need new furniture, but what we don’t lack is love.”
I smiled and blushed. “Thank you very much.”
“There’s somebody I want you to meet,” Diane continued. “Now, don’t be intimidated by his presence. His frown is worse than his bite.” She turned around to face the stairwell. “Jamal,” she yelled.
A few moments later, a man bopped down the steps. He was about six feet tall and had a caramel complexion, which resembled a piece of Sugar Baby candy. Through his white t-shirt, I could see that God spent a lot of time sculpting his muscles. My lady parts tingled. There didn’t appear to be a thing wrong with him. Even the small scar on his chin looked more like a dimple than a cut.
I had seen a lot of men in my life but he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. My body trembled and I tugged at my skirt to pull it down some more. Suddenly, I felt naked in front of him, unworthy. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel worse, he looked at me from head to toe and frowned.
“What’s up, Diane,” he asked her. He had an attitude and avoided eye contact with me. It figured; a man like that would never find me attractive.
“This is the person I was telling you about,” Diane said. She held my hand and I wondered when she grabbed it. Things seemed to be moving so fast and my mind was all over the place. “Her name is Lourdes Beaumont, and I need you to keep her with you at all times. Her room is right across from yours, so it shouldn’t be hard.”
“You don’t have no dudes who need help?” he asked her.
“What are you gay or something?” I muttered, interrupting their conversation.
“In your entire life, you’d better never come at me like that again.”
I was shook and I hated that I made such an insensitive joke.
“This is who you are charged with protecting, Jamal. And I expect you to do a good job. Remember, helping people in need is the only thing that will keep you out of jail and off parole.”
He sighed and frowned at me again.
He hates me.
Why does he hate me already? Oh yeah. Because you insulted the man’s sexuality.
“Yeah, aight,” he responded shaking his head. “I guess it’s whatever I gotta do.”
“Take her to her room and show her where to put her things.”
He glanced at me and said, “You don’t have something a little more modest to wear? A lot of niggas live here and I don’t want them going after you, unless that’s what you want.”
“I…uh…I…of course not.”
“Jamal, try to be a little more respectful,” Diane said.
“I’ll bring her some clothes tomorrow,” Officer McDonough added. She placed a warm hand on my shoulder and I relaxed. “You’re going to be fine, Lourdes. I lost my daughter to Holliday, but I won’t let the same thing happen to you. Just hang in there and I’ll be back for you.”
I hugged her. When I tried to release her she held onto me for a second longer. When we separated, she said, “Stay strong, and if you still want to leave, I’ll be back here in the morning to pick you up.”
“Thank you.”
“Follow me,” Jamal said breaking our connection.
I quickly obeyed him. I walked so closely to him that I could feel the warmth from his back. It was like I was magnetized to him. He stopped suddenly and I ran into him. He turned around and said, “I know I’m supposed to be looking out for you, but I’d appreciate a little breathing room.” He extended his hand between us. “You walking too close.”
“I’m sorry, I just…”
“No explanation needed. Just hang back some,” he responded abruptly.
When I continued to walk behind him—slower, of course—I was taken to a tiny room. It had a twin bed inside, with a bland cream-colored blanket on it. Above the bed was a cross and there was a small mirror to the left.
“You a whore?” He asked me as I was walking inside. “Because I don’t like whores.”
I wanted to scream on him, but when I opened my mouth I was crying. I felt overwhelmed by all of this. I was in a city I didn’t like, in a home that wasn’t mine, with a man who hated me.
I dropped to the bed and tossed my briefcase beside me. I let all of the pain out of my soul.
“I’m sorry,” I told him, trying to stop crying. “This isn’t about you. I…I…”
When I looked up at him he wasn’t angry anymore. He looked as if he felt bad for me. He rushed toward me and said, “Look, I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know what they want me to do with you. I didn’t mean to ask you if you were a whore. It’s just confusing that’s all.”
He was about to sit next to me but he didn’t. He moved as if he was holding himself back and for a minute I thought I sensed an attraction to me. But I’m usually wrong about everything else so what do I know?
Just as quickly as he was kind to me, he stepped back and appeared angry again, as if a switch had been turned off. “I’m across the hall if you need me. Bye.”
He walked out of my door and slammed it so hard that the cross on my wall fell to the bed.
I wonder what that means.