What I Am

after Terrance Hayes

I drink the glamour

even when it makes me sick. Eleven

or Two it don’t matter I’m not

lost waiting to be famous I’m

waiting in line at Walgreens

for my pills and texting

a white man I hope will fuck me.

He smells like rolling papers

and the ocean in Santa Barbara.

I consider buying chips and Ebony

and dog-earing every page that says

hallelujah. I keep saying I’m black

so I don’t forget. I twist my hair

in my fingers and watch time go silk.

I drink the glamour and offer myself.

If I could I would fuck them all.

They don’t know what I am. I play

my tarot only at night, my eyes fall,

I get mean, I fall in love, I deny this.

The supremacy makes me ache.

The supremacy calls me baby.

The people in commercials we are slowly

becoming them, biting our lips because

the taste of meat. Nothing is sexier

than how hungry I am. I say thick

means hallelujah. Size Two or Six

it don’t matter the pills

are a cartoon animal, a quiet sister,

and I’m the type of girl says

same shit different day.

I call to medicine in my sleep.

I don’t crash into rocks.

And everywhere I see myself

and I am a nigger girl you love.

Is it wrong that I feel nothing.

Is it wrong that I feel nothing.