A Note on Adoption

Laura’s right – times have changed so much since the 1960s. Back then, having a baby without being married just wasn’t the ‘done thing’. Almost all adoptions happened because the mothers were unmarried, and often very young, like Laura. It was felt that their babies were better off growing up in a traditional family with married parents.

It’s hard to imagine now. Social attitudes have changed so much. Today, it is widely understood that you don’t have to be in a married couple to be a fantastic parent, and families come in all shapes and sizes.

These days, children are only adopted if the family they are born into can’t keep them safe. Some parents struggle with addiction to alcohol or drugs, or behave violently, or don’t give their baby the basic things they need, like the right food and a warm place to sleep. Often, it’s all of those things.

But adoption doesn’t happen until social workers and other people supporting the family have done absolutely everything possible to keep the family together, giving parents lots of help to create a safer family environment. Sometimes they work with the family for a long time, and the average age for a child to be adopted these days is three years old.

The words we use to describe a child’s first family are ‘birth family’ and ‘birth parents’. When the child is adopted, their new parents are considered just as much their real parents.

You can imagine that it’s scary and confusing for a young child to have to leave their birth family and move to a new family. However awful home life might have been, it’s still home. So children who are going to be adopted are given a lot of help before and after they move to their new families.

For many years, adoption was a secret. In Laura’s day, the children often grew up not knowing they were adopted. Over the years, we have learned how important it is for children to know they were adopted, and to understand why that happened. The things that happen to you during your life make up your own special story. If there are big pieces of your story missing or unclear, it can be very worrying and upsetting. It’s so important for adopted children to understand that being removed from their birth family wasn’t their fault.

If your birth family didn’t keep you safe, you will have very mixed feelings about them. Some adopted children are very curious, ask lots of questions and even go on to meet up with their birth parents when they are older. Others don’t want to think about it, or just aren’t very interested. When brothers and sisters can’t be adopted together, they are often helped to stay in touch with one another.

If adopted children are curious about finding their birth parents, it’s safest to discuss it with their adoptive family first. That way they will have good support to help them sort out their feelings, ask social workers for news about the birth family and decide together what’s best to do.

A lot of adopted children say that they are bullied at school. Now you know so much about adoption, you’re ready to stick up for adopted people and help others understand.

If you’re adopted and Laura’s story has affected you, you can call our Helpline on 0300 666 0006 – it’s friendly and confidential.

You can also contact Childline – they’re there to help every child with their worries. Just call 0800 1111.

For more information on Adoption UK, please visit www.adoptionuk.org.