Chapter XXIV – Anthony’s Funeral

The first thing we had to do Monday morning was go to the funeral home in Florida and start making arrangements to have Anthony flown to Mississippi to be buried. I was in one room just sitting there when I heard mother in the hallway on the phone talking to the funeral home in Mississippi trying to make funeral arrangements for Anthony.  I walked in the hallway and told her to get off the phone because she was costing us money by talking to them.  I again explained to her the Florida funeral home was to call the funeral home in Mississippi and they’d take care of it.  She asked the person on the phone if this was true and they told her, “Yes” so she hung up the phone.  I then proceeded to tell her I’d already told her that.  She said, “Well, I don’t know, I’ve never planned a funeral before.”  I said, “And you aren’t planning this one, it is already done.  That is what I spent all my time on the phone doing.” She then said, “You have no idea what it’s like to lose a child!” I was dumbfounded!!!  I just stood there, shook my head and said nothing. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

While I was sitting there I also called my former boss, Joe, and left him a message telling him I really appreciated him taking me to see Anthony on Easter in 2006 because this was the last time I saw him alive.  Since I had to leave a message on his cell phone I called the work place and told one of the employees what had happened.  As soon as we got off the phone I started getting all these phone calls from former co-workers.  That was the first time I’d gotten phone calls other than from Eddie, Carrie (girlfriend), Carrie (Chris’s step-mother) and Cathy. 

Before we left heading towards Mississippi we explained to the people at the funeral home the situation with Anthony’s friends and asked them not to let anyone know he was there or where he was going. They made us that promise but they didn’t keep their word.  Also a police officer that was friends with Carla knew Anthony had passed away and told her where Anthony was. 

We waited until Anthony was in transit to Mississippi by plane before we left Florida. On our way to Mississippi, Mark called me but I didn’t answer the phone. He left me a very ugly message stating I was an unfit mother and no wonder Anthony hated me.  He said Anthony looked up to him like a father and that is why Anthony had him on the visitors list at the hospital. What Mark didn’t know was Susan put his name on that list because Anthony was unconscious the entire time.

I called Cathy while we were on our way to Mississippi to verify the song Carla told me about was “My Immortal” and she said, “Yes it was.”  I asked her if it’d be okay if we played it at Anthony’s funeral and she was very flattered I wanted to do that. I called Carrie (the girl) and asked her if she could put it on a CD for me and she did.

Then I got a call from Carla but I didn’t answer that call either. She was begging me to tell her the truth because she’d heard Anthony died and she just wanted the truth. She called back shortly after that and told me I was a liar because she found out from the funeral home, there in town, that Anthony was there and she was very disappointed in me for standing in her living room lying to her and telling her Anthony was still the same.

I remember thinking, here we go again, these kids are not going to leave us alone and they’ll probably show up at the funeral home in Mississippi and disrupt the entire service.  

Mother and I finally got to Bettye’s house and everyone started hugging our necks. I was surprised when we got there because Bettye, Dale (Eddie’s step-father), Toyyua, Pete (Toyyua’s husband), Sarah Beth (Pete and Toyyua’s daughter), Paula (Eddie’s step-mother), Paul (Eddie’s father), Danny (Bettye’s brother) and his wife Nancy were all there plus Eddie and the boys.  I didn’t expect to see anyone but Bettye, Dale, Toyyua, Pete, and Sarah Beth so needless to say it made me feel good that they were all there to comfort us.

We all sat down to eat and for the second time since I got the phone call saying Anthony was in the hospital, I started crying.  I just laid my head on Eddie’s shoulder and cried, not very loud nor very long.  Everyone at the table got very quiet because they didn’t know what to say, I was very aware of this so I stopped crying so no one would be uncomfortable.

The entire time Anthony was in the hospital I had to be strong and it was very hard. Being in that hospital with strangers trying to comfort me, along with my mother constantly telling me I needed to calm down because I was to hyper was very tough. Now that it was finally over and I had someone to comfort me, I just broke down and cried.

After lunch was over and everyone had gone home, I made a phone call I really didn’t want to make. When Eddie owned the Subways in Mississippi we had an employee named Danielle that worked for us. Danielle used to call Anthony “Speed Racer” because he would drive so fast. Not only that but one day Eddie had Anthony dress up in the Subway Man costume and stand at the edge of the road waving at people. Danielle went out there and stood with him to keep him company. Not long after they went outside, they came back in. Anthony was furious and Danielle was laughing. Anthony jerked off the Subway Man suite fussing and cussing the entire time and Danielle was still laughing. She explained to us that someone had driven by and thrown a drink on Anthony. Then we all started laughing except for Anthony, he still didn’t think it was funny. Anyway, I picked up the phone and called her to let her know that Anthony had passed away and told her I wanted her to hear it from me personally and not read it in the newspaper. She was very sad and thanked me for letting her know.

Tuesday, Mother, Eddie and I went to the cemetery to see where Anthony was going to be buried, it was very pretty and way out in the boonies at a very small country church.  Chris was the first person on the row where Anthony was to be buried and Anthony was the last person in that row, they were Alpha and Omega the beginning and the end. 

I walked over to visit Chris’s grave since I was unable to attend his funeral.  I just stood there for a few minutes because I knew the next time I came to this spot, they’d be putting my son in the ground.

After leaving the cemetery, Eddie, mother and I went to pick out Anthony’s tombstone and we found one that fit him perfectly.  As I mentioned earlier, when Anthony was younger he loved to hunt and fish and on the front of the tombstone we found there was a lake with a young man fishing, surrounded by trees and a deer walking up to the lake. On the back we decided to have loving brother, son and grandson engraved along with a necklace with a cross. 

After picking out the tombstone, we went to the funeral home where we had to decide how to write Anthony’s obituary for the newspaper, pick out the casket, plus make arrangements for the viewing and funeral. 

The first thing we did was decide what to write for the obituary. We then had to fill out the death certificate.  We put Eddie down as Anthony’s father even though he was his step-father.  I know Eddie and Anthony didn’t get along very well but Anthony was so mad at Tommy and so hurt by him that I didn’t think he’d want his name on the death certificate.  I tried repeatedly to get in touch with Tommy to let him know about Anthony’s death but I never could reach him.

After doing that the director took us into this room full of caskets, explained the difference between them and then left us in the room to decide which one we wanted.  Mother knew she was going to buy a vault for Anthony to preserve his body in case they had to dig it up depending on the autopsy results.  We finally all agreed on a blue casket and on the bottom of each corner there was an eagle holding a flag.  Picking out the perfect casket was a hard decision to make and also a hard step to take.

Next we picked out the songs to be played at the funeral.  I told him we wanted to play “My Immortal” by Evanescence and then I asked the funeral director about the song Anthony had picked out (“Miss My Homies” by Master P) for his funeral because it had the word nigger in it over and over.  He said he did have a black man that worked for him that would be at the graveside digging the hole but he’d just ask the gentleman to leave while we played the song.  This way we wouldn’t offend anyone at the funeral home nor the graveside and we all agreed that would be fine. I was trying to decide on a third song when mother said, “It would be nice if you’d let me pick out a song I want.”  She felt as if I’d left her out but I hadn’t decided on either one of those songs, Anthony had. I didn’t mean to leave my mother out. It never dawned on me she might want to pick out a song. I told her to go ahead and pick out whatever she wanted and she decided on “Go Rest High on That Mountain” by Vince Gill. 

Before going to the funeral home I’d already told my family this was a child’s funeral, I was doing this the way Anthony had asked me to and I hoped everyone understood. Anthony wasn’t a sharp dresser, he dressed thuggish but I wouldn’t bury him that way so I decided on a happy medium.  Anthony was going to wear dress pants and a short sleeve shirt. Business casual clothes would work just fine. 

When we left the funeral home, we left the clothes we wanted Anthony to be buried in except for the pants. There was a pair of pants in the bag Susan gave me but the pocket needed hemming which mother was supposed to do but later decided to buy some new pants instead. Carry bought him a large shirt, a Jack Daniels hat and an actual wedding band, all of which I left for him to be buried in.

While we were there I explained to the funeral director the situation we had in Florida and asked them to please not tell anyone Anthony was there because we didn’t want them to show up at the funeral. The funeral director informed the Brandon police and they said for us to let them show up because they wanted to search their cars and arrest them.  No one from Florida ever showed up and the funeral went very smoothly.

After leaving the funeral home, mother went to the store to buy Anthony some pants and called me to see what size he wore.  I told her the pants in the bag were a size 40.  She told me there was no way he wore a size 40 and insisted on buying him a size 36.

Wednesday morning I got a phone call from the funeral director telling me he couldn’t get any of Anthony’s clothes on him.  He told me he placed a string around Anthony’s waist and it was 40 so he needed a size 40 pants, huh, who’d a thought!!!! He told me, “That is a big ole boy!!!” and I agreed. It was my fault he had the wrong size shirt because I told Carrie the wrong size.  I called mother and told her what the funeral director told me, she still couldn’t believe he was that big but she went out and bought new pants and a shirt.  I also called Carrie and told her mother was buying him another shirt so she wouldn’t get disappointed that we didn’t put the shirt on him she had bought.

That morning I asked Bettye and Dale to listen to the song Anthony had picked out for his funeral.  As I explained earlier, the song had the word nigger all throughout the song and I didn’t want to offend anyone but at the same time I wanted to fulfill Anthony’s wishes.  They both listened to the song and weren’t really sure what I should do.  Shortly after that, Carrie called me and told me she’d found an edited version of the song in which they substituted the word nigger with the word hommie. I was so thankful to her because now I knew I could fulfill Anthony’s wishes and not offend anyone.

I also asked Dale if he’d take pictures at the funeral home and the graveside, he agreed to do this for me.  I’ve never wanted to take pictures of anyone dead before but I was afraid I wouldn’t remember this day and I wanted pictures to look back at to see what Anthony’s funeral was like.  Dale took great pictures and he used to be a funeral director so I knew this wouldn’t bother him at all.  I did ask him to try to do this when my family wasn’t around because I didn’t want to upset them, he understood and agreed. 

I had no pictures of Anthony to place around the funeral home so I asked Dale and Bettye if they had some I could make copies of.  They had plenty of pictures and were more than happy for me to make copies of them to use.

A couple of months back when we went to Bettye’s mother’s funeral, I noticed people were placing things in the casket with her and I thought that was a neat idea. I wanted to do this for Anthony as well but no one in my family had ever done this before and I wasn’t sure how they’d react to it. I put a picture of Anthony, Kevin and Brett in there, a picture of Carrie and Anthony in there and a picture of Eddie, Anthony, Kevin, Brett and me in there. I know people aren’t alive and it really doesn’t matter if they have things in there with them or not but it made me feel like he wasn’t left alone.

The family was supposed to arrive at the funeral home at 5:00 p.m. and everyone else was to arrive at 6:00 p.m.  This would give the family time to visit with him before having to greet everyone else.

I remember driving to the funeral home and thinking how hard it would be to see my son lying in that casket and wondered how I’d handle it. As soon as we got there I walked over to the casket and looked at Anthony, the person lying in the casket didn’t look like my son so I thought to myself, “This will be easy because that isn’t my son in that casket.”

Anthony was wearing a red shirt, navy blue dress pants, the wedding band Carrie bought him, and placed beside his right arm was the Jack Daniels cap she bought him.  His shoulders were so wide he was literally squished in the casket and the funeral director told me if he’d been any bigger we would’ve had to order a bigger casket. 

Repeatedly throughout the evening and the day of the funeral, the funeral director kept telling us what a big boy Anthony was.  He would shake his head and say, “That’s a big ole boy!!!!”

While we were waiting on my family to arrive Dale was walking around taking pictures for me, some of which had Anthony in them.  As I mentioned earlier I’d never done anything like that before but this was my son and I wanted to remember this day.  You may think you remember something and then when you see the pictures your memories are completely different, I knew I wouldn’t remember any of this but I’d be able to look at the pictures at a later date when my head was on straight and see what my son’s funeral looked like.

At 5:15 p.m. I called mother to see where they were and she told me Robert was brushing his teeth and they’d be there soon.  I explained to her we were supposed to be there at 5:00 p.m. and the public was allowed in at 6:00 p.m. and they weren’t going to have much time alone with him.  Mother told me she thought they were supposed to be there at 6:00 p.m. and she was very upset she misunderstood the time. At 5:30 p.m. Mother, Angie, Robert and Daddy finally showed up. 

Because Eddie’s family brought me to the funeral home they were already there and had paid their respects to Anthony. We also allowed Carrie (the girl) to come back with us because as far as I was concerned she was family.

When my family arrived, Eddie’s family and Carrie left the room so we could spend time with Anthony.  Daddy was the first one to view Anthony. He was very weak walking up to the casket but he managed. As I mentioned earlier my father was the one everyone was concerned about because he was like a father to Anthony and this was very devastating to him.  Everyone kept a close eye on him because we were afraid he was going to pass out or have another heart attack because of the devastation but he never did.  After daddy walked away Angie and Robert walked up to the casket to pay their respects and when they were finished Eddie’s family and Carrie came back in the room.

We had very little time left before the public was allowed to start coming in so we had to finish getting the room ready for public viewing. Robert put up a picture frame with pictures of Anthony in it and the funeral home had already placed the pictures I’d given them around the room.   Shortly afterwards everyone else started to come in. 

The first people to show up after we opened the door to the public were Anthony’s old girlfriend Brittany and her family.  Brittany’s older sister April came in with her two daughters (one two years old, the other about five months old) and their younger sister Danielle.  As April started towards the room where Anthony was, her knees would collapse and she’d fall towards the floor, Danielle would hold her up and they’d start walking again.  Not only that but April was balling out loud and causing a scene, because she was acting such a fool my family and Eddie’s family were just looking at her.  The sad thing is I was left in charge of her two children, me of all people.  It was my son lying dead in the casket and I was left to watch her two children.  Needless to say, I was beyond unhappy. Somehow that didn’t surprise me because it just seemed to follow the pattern of everything that had happened.

They placed roses, a note, and a necklace on Anthony’s chest.  I didn’t read the note because the note wasn’t to me.  Then Rhonda asked me where Anthony’s class ring was because Brittany had worn this ring for a year and she wanted it to remember Anthony by. Do you believe that!!!? Again, nothing surprised me at this point, I told her his ring was on my finger and it wasn’t coming off.

I walked out in the hallway because I couldn’t stand to see April act a fool any longer and while I was out there Danielle came up to me and asked me if Anthony was married.  I said, “Well sort of, I unofficially married him and a girl while he was in the hospital.”  She asked me who it was and I wouldn’t tell her.  The reason I wouldn’t tell her was because when Brittany and Anthony were dating Brittany would threaten to beat up Carrie and Carrie would threaten to beat up Brittany. Carrie was a threat to Brittany even though Anthony and Carrie were just friends, I was afraid if Brittany knew who the ring belonged to there’d be a fight and I was tired of all the kayos.

I didn’t spend much time in the room with Anthony because I was either in the hallway, lobby or outside.  I kept running into people I hadn’t seen in years and I was enjoying visiting with them, it was like a big family and friend reunion.  I told Anthony good bye in the hospital, now it was everyone else’s turn and I didn’t want to be in their way.

I was adding a picture to one of the picture frames and a lady was looking at the pictures when I did this, we didn’t recognize each other so we didn’t speak.  Later, that same lady was standing with Chris’s brother Brandon and then I realized it was Cathy.  Cathy had changed a whole lot. She was beautiful as always and had lost a lot of weight.  Once I realized who she was I spoke to her and thanked her for being there for me when Anthony was in the hospital, we talked for a long time after that.

A little while after Cathy and I realized who each other were, Carrie (Chris’s step-mother), Jimbo (Chris’s step-father) and their children along with Landon (Brandon’s twin brother) walked in. I didn’t recognize Carrie because I’d only seen her once before and that was many years ago but I recognized Jimbo.  Shortly after that, Cathy and Brandon joined us. 

The twins were identical growing up but now you could definitely tell them apart because Landon was more muscular than Brandon.  I was really surprised to see the boys there because Cathy had explained to me they may not come because this would bring back memories of their brother Chris.

At one point, Tina came up to me and said “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  I didn’t hear the rest of her sentence because I cut her off.  I said “Why?  He will call me next month like he always does.  There is nothing to be sorry for.”  I remember Tina just standing there with her mouth open because she didn’t know what to say.  Even though Anthony died in my arms, in my heart, my son was still alive.

Debbie, Justin’s mother, came to see Anthony. I know that was very hard on her.  I was in the room next to Anthony’s when Debbie walked up to me and said, “I just want to pull his goat-t. I used to pull it every time he came over.”  I told her, “Well then go pull it.” She hesitated so I took her by the arm and walked her over to Anthony.  I started running my fingers through his hair and told her, “Go ahead and pull it.”  She reached out and pulled his goat-t and said, “I feel a lot better now, thank you.” We both started laughing and we stood there for a little while.  She told me she put a picture of Justin and Misty (Justin’s sister) in Anthony’s coffin earlier.  Everything that was placed in Anthony’s casket was buried with him.

As the pallbearers showed up they were taken into a side room and told what they would do the next day. The pallbearers were; Wyatt, Shocoby, Nick and Anthony R. along with Pete and Uncle Don. 

When Anthony R. showed up he was drunk and falling into things not to mention the smell of alcohol on his breath would knock you down.  I pulled him to the side and started talking to him about being drunk and he denied this.  I told him, “Anthony, you can smell it on your breath.”  He said, “Oh, you can?”  I told him, “Yes, you can.”  He then told me he had been in a wreck the day before and the doctor had given him some very strong pain pills to take.  I told him I was sorry about the wreck but that was no excuse to come to Anthony’s viewing drunk. I also told him if he came to Anthony’s funeral tomorrow drunk he wouldn’t be a pallbearer. This upset him because he really wanted to be a pallbearer so he promised me he’d be sober.

Everyone was looking at Anthony because he kept stumbling over things so I asked him if he had a ride home and he told me, “Yes they are waiting outside.”  I didn’t want him driving home in this condition so I told him I wanted to see these people. We walked out to the parking lot and sure enough, there was a couple in a blazer waiting on him.  I told him, “Bye, I will see you in the morning”, then he got in the blazer and they left. 

While I was in the parking lot, a lot of my family started arriving so I spent about twenty minutes outside greeting them before going back in the building.

Roughly thirty minutes after I escorted Anthony R. out of the building his mother, father and sister came in.  I told Jean (his mother) what had happened and explained to her Anthony couldn’t be a pallbearer if he showed up drunk in the morning and she agreed.  I told her what I said to Anthony about looking at my Anthony in the hospital bed with tubes running everywhere and on a respirator. Telling him to look at me and see what it was doing to me to see him that way in the hospital. Asking him if he wanted to be in that bed and see his mother in my shoes.  And his answer to me was, “No ma’am” then I told him if he didn’t straighten up he was going to be in that same situation. I told her I hoped me telling him that didn’t upset her and she said she was glad I did because he needed to hear that from someone else other than her. 

I was standing in Anthony’s room looking out in the hallway when I saw Wyatt come in but I didn’t recognize the black boy that came in with him.  I knew it must’ve been Shocoby but if it was, he’d gotten big.  When they were growing up, Shocoby was a very skinny boy but when Anthony went to Mississippi in January, he saw Shocoby and told me he was as big as Anthony was but I couldn’t picture that.  I walked up to Wyatt and asked him if that was Shocoby and he said it was, Anthony was right, I couldn’t believe how much he had changed.

I asked Wyatt if he wanted to go see Anthony but he told me he just couldn’t, I respected that.  Later on that night I was standing in the room with Anthony when I realized Wyatt was standing behind me.  He’d finally mustarded up the courage to go in the room to see him so I put my arm around Wyatt and we stood there together just looking at Anthony.  Wyatt said, “I never thought Anthony would die so young. He was indestructible.”  Wyatt was a middle man at that time too and I told him if this could happen to Anthony it could happen to him also.  I think this was a wakeup call for Wyatt but no one else thought that.  I spoke to him again just before Thanksgiving, he’d stopped dealing and was working on the river barges because he was trying to straighten up his life.  

Later that evening a young, tall, thin, blond headed guy walked up to me and said he was sorry about Anthony.  He looked at me as if I was supposed to know who he was.  I said, “I’m sorry, but who are you?”  He said, “I’m Nick.”  I said, “Oh my God!!! Look at you!!! You have lost so much weight!!! You look great!!!”  He told me he had a fiancé now and introduced me to her.  I was so glad to see Nick was doing so well.

James (a friend of ours that owns several Subways in Mississippi) was in the lobby talking to Eddie when I walked up. I was really shocked to see him there.  I had no idea so many people had read in the newspaper about Anthony’s passing.  I was very flattered so many people showed up for the funeral.

After the viewing was over, Dale hung around until everyone left and took more pictures for me. I am so thankful he did this because I was right, I didn’t remember the funeral and I’m so glad I have those pictures to remind me of what a nice funeral it was, if there is such a thing.

Sometime that afternoon, Aunt Georgia told me instead of getting Anthony flowers she and Jim wanted to give us money to get back home on. She told me it wasn’t much, she explained this was an unexpected expense and she knew it would hurt us financially so she wanted to help us get back home.  I told her whatever she wanted to do would be fine. She handed me a card with $50.00 in it and I thanked her.  You have no idea how much that $50.00 helped us. 

After we left the funeral home several of my family members went to Apple Bees to eat and on my way in Uncle Don caught me in the parking lot and handed me an envelope and said he wanted to help us out with this expense so we could get home.  He said it was just a little something to help us get home on, it was $1,000.00. I was about to cry because I never said anything to anyone about us not being able to pay for the trip home.  Yes we would’ve struggled but we would’ve made it home.  With Aunt Georgia and Jim’s $50.00 and Uncle Don’s $1,000.00 this paid for most of the airline ticket from Montana to Florida. That night Uncle Don also bought the boy’s supper which was a relief as well.  Talk about a blessing we were so thankful to get help from family members and friends.

My parents met me after the viewing and handed me all of Anthony’s things he’d collected over the years along with pictures he’d drawn in grade school. That was a very shocking moment for me.  I’d saved a lot of Anthony’s things as he was growing up for him to give to his children.  Now my father was handing all those things back to me and I had no idea what to do with them. 

Once we got inside Apple Bee’s there were so many of us we took up several tables. Uncle Don, Kevin and Brett sat at a table, Eddie, Bettye, Dale and I sat at a table, Aunt Judy, Kim, Lauren, Bubba, Angie and Robert sat at a table and Jim and Aunt Georgia and someone else sat at another table. 

When we walked in, Carrie, Shocoby, Wyatt and a girl that was a friend of Anthony’s were sitting at a table near the front door.  I sat down with Eddie, Bettye, and Dale and ordered my food then I went and sat down with Anthony’s friends. They got there earlier than us and for the most part they were already finished eating. While I was waiting on my food to arrive I sat and talked with them. We started talking about Anthony and I thanked Shocoby and Wyatt for being pallbearers and thanked them all for being his friends. 

Just before I left the table I asked them to make a toast to Anthony and we did.  Sitting there with Anthony’s friends made me feel at ease because I didn’t have to act like someone I wasn’t and it was a peaceful feeling.  I don’t really know how to explain how it made me feel I just knew I was more comfortable sitting at the table with his friends than I was with my family. I think the reason for this was because if I sat with them it was like holding on to Anthony.  It was as if he was a part of the group and had just gotten up to go to the bathroom. However when I sat with my family I knew they were there for Anthony’s funeral and I wasn’t ready to fact that fact.

I guess I’d been with Anthony’s friends to long because Eddie finally came over to the table and told me I needed to go sit with my family because they thought I was being rude and I was to hyper. He was right in saying that because I was very hyper that day and night. To me Anthony’s viewing was like a big party, I was seeing people I hadn’t seen in years and I was enjoying visiting with them. I told him I was enjoying spending time with Anthony’s friends and this would probably be the last time I’d ever see them.  Shortly after that Anthony’s friends were ready to go and I went back to my table.

After Uncle Don and the boys had finished their supper, Uncle Don took them back to the hotel so they wouldn’t have to be bored with all the adult talk.  They were so thankful he did that, they had a very good time. 

That night, Eddie and I were going to stay at Bettye’s house in Collins, MS (a three hour drive away from the funeral home) but my family had reserved several rooms at a hotel in Brandon, MS (town where the funeral home was) so we stayed there. Uncle Don had a room, Tina and Greg had a room, Aunt Nellie, Uncle Neal and Beth had a room, Mom and Dad had adjoining rooms with Angie and Robert, Eddie and the boys and I had a room, Aunt Georgia and Jim had a room, and Kim, Bubba, Aunt Judy and Lauren had a room.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stay at Bettye’s house. We would’ve had a three hour drive ahead of us followed by a funeral and I didn’t want to do that, plus I wanted to be near my family at that time.

At some point in time while we were at Apple Bee’s I asked Kim to just spend some one on one time with me after we got back to the hotel, I missed spending time with her. 

We got back to the hotel around 11:00 p.m. and I had to go get the boys from Uncle Don’s room.  I spent about thirty minutes up there with him so it was 11:30 p.m. before I left his room and I was afraid to go to Kim’s room. I went anyway and I could hear her preaching at Bubba so I knew she was still awake.  I knocked on the door and she answered it then we walked outside together. We stayed outside in front of the hotel talking until 2:00 a.m.  I was so wound up that night I didn’t want to go to bed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all.  Eddie came outside sometime during our visit and asked me when I was coming to bed. I told him I had no idea but for him to try and get some sleep and I would try not to wake him when I came in the room.

Thursday morning I got dressed and while Eddie and the boys were still getting ready I went outside and sat on the bench in front of the hotel that Kim and I had been sitting on the night before. Usually I am the one that stays behind and gets everything packed and double checks to make sure we got everything but that morning I just wanted to be alone for a little while.  Well, it didn’t quite happen that way.  Shortly after I got outside Aunt Georgia and Jim came out because they were on their way to breakfast and asked me if I’d like to join them. I told them no and thanked them then they started walking off because they were eating breakfast across the highway so there was no need to drive. 

Just a few minutes later Aunt Nellie and Uncle Neal came out and started talking to me.  While we were talking Tina came outside and asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing fine.  Then Greg, who’d been out for his morning run, joined us.  While we were all standing there Betsy (Aunt Nellie and Uncle Neal’s oldest daughter) walked up.  Growing up, Betsy and I were close so when she asked me how I was doing I felt that comfort zone again and when I hugged her neck I broke down and started crying.  I was tired of being strong and I knew today was the day I would bury my son.  Even though I started crying I didn’t cry but a minute or so and I was fine. 

Through this entire ordeal I never cried more than 2-3 minutes at a time and I never whaled just shed a few tears.  Every now and then I’d just have to relieve some sadness and this was one of those times.  Shortly after that, Eddie, the boys and I went to eat breakfast then we went to the funeral home.

When we arrived at the funeral home, Carrie (the girl) and Lee (one of Anthony’s friends) were already there. I hadn’t seen Lee in years and wouldn’t have recognized him if Carrie hadn’t told me who he was.  She also told me Lee was taking this very hard. I later heard he ended up marrying Brittany, Anthony’s old girlfriend.

When we first arrived I stayed by Anthony’s side because Brittany and her family, minus April, were there. I was afraid they were going to try to take the wedding band off of his finger and I wasn’t going to allow that. Once I decided I could no longer stand there I asked the boys to stay by their brother to make sure the ring stayed on his finger. 

I was standing in the hallway talking to Carrie (the girl) when Cindy, Anthony and Anna walked in.  I was very surprised to see them because they live in Wynne and this was a four hour trip for them.  Cindy is my first cousin, on my father’s side of the family who has a home daycare and she took off to come to Anthony’s funeral.  That meant a lot to me.  I was walking towards the lobby, Cindy was walking towards the hallway and we were standing side by side before I recognized her.  I spoke first and she said, “Oh my God, I almost walked right past you.”  I said, “I didn’t recognize you either.”  I hadn’t seen Cindy in about two years and she’d changed a lot during that period of time. 

While I was talking to Cindy, Nick (Aunt Georgia’s son) and Anita (his wife) walked in. Nick and I were very close growing up because we are very close in age. I’m a year older, as he likes to point out.

I asked Anthony, Cindy’s husband, if he’d be a backup pallbearer if Anthony R. came in drunk and he said, “I am wearing blue jeans.”  I told him that was fine because the other pallbearers were kids and they weren’t dressed up only Don and Pete wore suits so he agreed to be the backup for me. 

Shortly after that, Anthony R’s mother, father and sister walked in the door Jean walked over to me and said, “He is here and he is sober, I made sure of it.”  I told her, “Thank you.” Finally things were starting to come together the way they should.

Just before they separated the family from visitors Kathy (my next door neighbor from the time I was four years old until I was seven years old. I loved her dearly) walked up to me and said, “Lori, you probably don’t know who I am but my name is Kathy.” I told her, “I know exactly who you are” and she handed me a clear Ziploc bag with Anthony’s obituary in it and said, “I cut this out for you in case you didn’t have one.”  I thanked her because that was a very sweet thing for her to do, then she asked me where my mother was and I took her out in the lobby to see mother and daddy.  As soon as Kathy got to mother the funeral director was separating the family and friends, he was sending the friends in the chapel and the family in there with Anthony. I don’t remember when but Carrie (the girl) had given me a laminated obituary as well, so now I had two. 

Eddie, the boys and I stood beside the casket while the rest of the family lined up to tell Anthony bye.  The line was so long it went through both the adjoining rooms and then doubled back up. It made me feel good to know so much of my family was there because they lived a long way away from Mississippi and I didn’t expect them to drive that far for his funeral.

One by one families would come up to view Anthony’s body and a few people hugged my neck but most just walked up to the casket. Carrie (the girl) walked up there by herself, crying.  I felt so sorry for her. I walked up beside her and put my arm around her to comfort her. After everyone in the line was finished, it was our turn. We all turned to face the casket and I started running my fingers through Anthony’s hair and I told him bye.  I talked to him for a few minutes and then we stepped away from the casket. I didn’t tell him my final goodbye because I knew it was an open casket and I’d see him one more time before they took him away.  I looked around and everyone was looking at me and crying, I still hadn’t and wasn’t crying.  When the funeral director realized we were finished he led us into the chapel to join the visitors. 

As we entered the chapel I saw Fred (our Field Consultant for Subway) sitting in one of the pews, I was very surprised to see him there.  I never got to speak with him but he later e-mailed me to let me know he was there. I told him I’d seen him and thanked him for being there. I only saw the pew Fred was sitting on because they seated us on the front row and I didn’t want to turn around to see how many people were there, I thought that would be rude.

I don’t really remember much other than them playing the song “Go Rest High On That Mountain” by Vince Gill and then playing “My Immortal” by Evanescence before Greg got up to do the eulogy.

The only thing I remember about the eulogy was Greg crying and saying what a waste it was Anthony was dead. I asked Eddie why the casket wasn’t open and he told me when we told Anthony bye earlier that was it.  I felt myself begin to panic, I was never going to be able to tell my son bye the way I wanted to.  It was over and I didn’t even realize it. Once I realized I was feeling panic overcome my body, I pulled myself together very quickly. I was very upset because I thought I’d see him one more time.  I didn’t cry I was just upset with myself because I’d seen my son for the last time and I didn’t even realize it.

When the funeral was over we got in our cars and made the long drive to the cemetery which was about an hour away.  We had a lot of people go to the cemetery. I was very surprised by this since the drive was so long.  What surprised me even more was that all the way there we were escorted by police officers and every time we came to one, they were saluting us.  I’d never seen anything like that in my life, I’d seen police officers stop traffic in town but they escorted us all the way to the cemetery an hour away.  Anthony would’ve been honored to have so many officers salute him. My son went out in style.  This was the first time I’d ever ridden directly behind a hearse and the hearse was white, which is also unusual. 

When we got to the cemetery we walked down to where Anthony was and sat down under the canopy.  It was a beautiful day not too hot or too cold.  I don’t remember much about that either except for when they started playing “I Miss My Hommies” Greg looked over at the jam box, leaned back, leaned forward and looked again. I then realized Tina didn’t warn him that this song was going to be played.  I’d listened to this song several times since Anthony died and it didn’t bother me but when they started playing it at the grave side I started crying. 

I remembered the day he told me this was the song he wanted played at his funeral how I’d burned it to a CD and titled it “Anthony’s Funeral” then put it up until I needed it.  When I heard it this time I knew it meant he was dead and was being buried and I’d never see him again.  I didn’t cry long this time either.  I just shed a few tears and I was fine.

After the service everyone walked back to their cars except for me. I stopped and turned around to watch them place my baby in the ground. The next thing I realized Carrie, Shocoby, and Wyatt were standing there with me.  It was just me and Anthony’s friends standing there.  I put my arm around Wyatt and laid my head on his shoulder while they lowered Anthony in the ground.  Shocoby and Carrie were standing on my other side.  We all stood there until he was being placed in the ground and they started putting dirt on him.  I told them I had to leave then because it was smothering me knowing he’d have dirt on top of him and he wouldn’t be able to breathe.  I know he wouldn’t be able to breathe anyway. It just seemed more final then. We all walked off together and met the rest of the family at Dairy Queen for lunch. 

After lunch, Nick, Anita, Eddie, the boys and I went back to the graveside.  Nick and I were taking pictures and taking flowers off of the graveside for keepsake.  We were out there about an hour before leaving.  We had a three day drive ahead of us and Nick and Anita had a four hour drive ahead of them.

Chapter XXV My Investigation Work

A couple of nights after we got home I broke down in front of the boys.  I was standing in the doorway to Kevin’s room where he and Brett were hanging out and I started crying. Kevin asked me what was wrong and I told him I missed his brother.  He told me he missed him too.  Then both of the boys and Eddie made a circle around me and hugged me. This was the first good cry I had during this entire time.  I was crying very hard and cried for about ten minutes.

Once we got home, I resigned from my job and didn’t go back to work for the next two weeks. I needed time off to recuperate plus I had a lot of work ahead of me.  Before Anthony went in the hospital someone had towed his car but no one would tell him where it was. I asked Carla the night she came to the hospital where his car was, she said the guy that lived across the street from where the car was parked had the car towed and he wouldn’t tell anyone where it was.

We wanted to find his car so in order to do that I reported it stolen because I knew the police department would find it that way.  Just as I suspected, once I reported the car stolen the police took immediate action.  I heard back from them a couple of weeks later, the car was hauled to the junk yard and crushed the same day it was towed.  Anthony was still alive during this time.  I am so glad he didn’t know about that because he probably would’ve literally killed the guy.  He wanted the car to get his stereo system out of it. He used to spend hours sitting in the front yard in his car just listening to the radio.  His heart would’ve been broken if he would’ve known it had been crushed.

The next thing I did was call all the banks in the area to see if Anthony had a bank account with them.  I was trying to find the $11,000.00 Carla told me about so I could turn it over to the cops.  The money was drug money and it was illegal so I was going to turn it in. 

I called every bank I could find a phone number for and I found one bank where he used to have an account but he didn’t have one anymore.  I never found the money.  I guess he put it in Susan’s name and she now has the money.

Mother wanted to take the money and put up a billboard.  The billboard would state there would be a reward to the person or persons that could give us information about what happened to Anthony. I told her she would be rewarding the person that killed him.  She said once she got the information she wasn’t going to give them the money but have them arrested instead.  I told her that was illegal and she said she didn’t care.  She just wanted to know the truth about what happened to Anthony.

Mother sent me a copy of the cell phone bill because I wanted to double check the times Anthony spoke with his friends. Rodney told me he spoke with Anthony one time that day which was around 3:00 p.m., however, there were several calls to Anthony that day. None of them close to the time he told me the one call was. Also Susan told me she was at the house when Anthony arrived and when I looked at the cell phone bill she call him while the fire department was there. Things really weren’t adding up. What happened to my son???? Could someone please just tell me the truth about what happened to my son!!!???

Because I was getting so many different stories about Anthony’s death I called the fire department to get a copy of their report.  I happened to get a very nice lady, explained my situation to her and she faxed a copy of the report to me even though she wasn’t supposed to do that without a subpoena. Everyone felt sorry for me and they were doing everything they could to help me.  The fire department report said Anthony was alive when they got there then he died and was dead for about 10 minutes before being revived. 

The people at the hospital said Anthony was dead on the scene before the fire department got there and they weren’t really sure how long he’d been dead before they brought him back. The hospital also told me he never threw up and the fire department report said he was laying in throw up when they found him.  Carla confirmed that when she said she’d not cleaned up the vomit on her back porch.

I called the ambulance drivers to ask them for a copy of their report as well and the lady said she couldn’t tell me anything without a subpoena so I told her to please tell the two ambulance drivers thank you for saving my son’s life.  I explained to her my son did die a week later but he died in my arms and I would always be grateful to the people that saved him. She said she was sorry that I lost my son and she would give them the message.

I also called the police department to see if I could get a report from them but they also had to have a subpoena so I didn’t get any information from them either. I spoke with a gentleman there that told me he was the one that pulled over Rodney’s truck.  He told me he had questioned Rodney several times and his story was the exact same every time so they had to let him go. 

What this officer told me that Rodney didn’t was that they were pulled over a second time. They had stopped the car and Anthony got out to try and throw up when a K-9 unit pulled up behind them. He got out of the car and asked Anthony what he was doing and he told the officer he was looking for his lighter. The officer didn’t believe him so he had the K-9 search the car. To my surprise the K-9 didn’t find the scales. All this time the cocaine was dissolving in Anthony’s stomach. No wonder he felt like he was on fire.

After about a week, I finally got the records from the hospital.  They were in this huge brown envelope and were duplicated for the most part. The records made no sense, in a lot of places they contradicted themselves.  One emergency room report said they retrieved 3 8 balls of cocaine and another emergency room report said they retrieved 4 8 balls still in the baggie.  The report said he never threw up but he was lying in a white substance.  The entire report was like this.  I then understood why the nurses were giving me mixed stories.

Chapter XXVI Life After Anthony

Not long ago, Nick the pallbearer, told me Anthony stayed with him when he came back from jail for about two weeks. Nick had a glass business at the time and offered Anthony a job. Anthony said he needed to go back and get his car and some other stuff. They hunted and fished the two weeks they were together. Anthony said he missed it there and they needed to go with Charlie when they found a good hole. Anthony told Nick he would be back in two weeks and they would start work together, he needed to stay away from where he was and at Nick’s place he would be good. Anthony called Nick every night and the first week he missed a night so Nick called him and they talked. Anthony said he needed a few more days then Nick never heard from Anthony again. A couple of days later Nick found out Anthony had passed. Nick saying this just helps me verify that something really bad happened to my son.

For some time after Anthony died I’d get nasty emails on My Space from different people in Florida saying I killed Anthony.  One girl that never came to the hospital or ever saw me told me I was a bitch because I left my son in the hospital while he was dying and I went to play bingo.  I only left him one time and that was to spend the night at mother’s friend’s house. I don’t know where these kids were getting their story unless Susan was telling them lies to make them hate me.  We made sure our doors were locked for about a month after we got home because we were afraid they were going to contact someone they knew in our area to come shoot us.  Anthony’s friends in Florida were serious gang members and since they weren’t allowed to come to the funeral they were very upset with us. Below are some of the emails I received from the kids in Florida:

The following one is from Susan. Please excuse the spelling errors. I copied and pasted it from my messages.

“Lori!!! hi how are you?? haha well first of all bitch i just came by to let you kno anthony hated your fuckin guts and now i see why you are a piece of shit and a sorry excuss for a mother!! he always told me he didnt like you i was the only reason he talked to your ass!!!! and just to let you kno dumbass i never spent one dime of ants money i spent money on him witch is more than you can say our weekend in daytona was all my mutha fuckin money!! so you dont kno shit bout him. you kno that all his friends and his grandmother ment more to him that you did. and i kno thats why you killed him for his money so im nkot full of crap im real bout mine and ant cought the right girlfriend this time cuz i dont hold my tounge for no bitch and im tellin you everything ant wanted to and i wouldnt let him. and plus i kno for a fact and you and nan autha bitch cant tell me ant got married cuz i kno that he didnt cuz if he woke up and knew what you were doin your ass would have been laid out. why dont you go ahead and tell all your friends how you killed your son lori!! tell everybody how the hospital told you that he was gonna make it and you said no how you refused ant heart surgery for him to live and told them no. how he was in the hospital for THREE days and you told them to kill him you are a dumb cold hearted bitch. and just to let you kno krista aint pregnant by ant you only got one grandchild in this mutha fuckin world by ant and i dare you to try and get this one. you aint that fuckin bad!!! and my baby wont kno shit bout you it wont even kno who you are and when it gets older and it asks me where his daddy is imma let him call you and you can say why you killed him. this baby wont kno you bitch. i promise and aint shit you could do bout it and plus just to let ytou kno ant kno about the baby and he didnt plan on tellin you he was gonna tell his grandmother but not you and you werent invited to our wedding either he wasnt even gonna tell you. so there i dont have any thing else to say to you and to let you kno i didnt stab ant i scrtched him but that aint yo fuckin bussiness you kno why everyone hated you you kno if ant would have woke up ant seen you he would have been pissed fuck you lori!!! Anthony said Mark and Julie were more of his parents than youll ever be!!!! have a great life bitch cuz you ruiened every one elses!!!”

Just to let you know Susan wasn’t pregnant. However she did have a baby girl a couple of years later and the baby is wheelchair bound. Anthony was continuously getting on to Susan for doing drugs and trying to take care of her son. I hope she wasn’t doing drugs when she was pregnant with this baby.

This one is from Cheryl again sorry about the spelling errors. I copied and pasted this one as well.

“Hi Lori u may not no me but my name iz Cheryl and I hope u die 4 wat udid 2 my bra u no I can’t believe u would do dat 2 him at 19 and dam look at u y he was up in da hospital u went to play bingo wat kinda mother does that but I am only 14 but ant consider me Elaine my mom dad as his family since he was and u just sit around up at the hospital sayin he not yo sun ant was rite u are 1 nasty bitch I cant stand u hope yu think that u is no t gonna get off that easy u sick I bet us was happy whn he died I fu##in hate u no wat he had said bout u to everyone it iz all true to he had said u iz a fat nasty slut skank how and he neva liked u oh and I have his diploma and clothes and gradutation video so bitch keep dreamin if u think u gonna get that shit u nasty slut ants real family…lives in Leesburg and don’t think that u r gonna go to Heaven iama make sure u go 2 hell bitch ibet u don’t know anything about ant so bitch I fu##in hate to fat azz nigga

Love ya

I know when I was telling the story about all these kids being in the hospital it didn’t sound that bad but now maybe you will understand what type of kids we were dealing with.  The phone calls from Mark and Carla were along these same lines.

Sometime in April Dena (Betsy’s oldest daughter) sent me some pictures she had taken of Anthony at Aunt Nellie’s their last Christmas together.  She also told me she had pictures of all of them together their first Christmas as well. I am so grateful to her for that.  I wanted any pictures I could get to remember him by because there would never be another picture taken of my son.

Four days before my 41^st birthday, I started a new job at a Credit Union in Grandforks, ND.  If I would’ve continued to stay at home by myself I would’ve lost my mind.  This way I’d be forced to think about other things instead of my son’s death. The following Friday was my birthday and it is a day I will never forget. I knew that day was going to be a tough one because Anthony was buried a little over a month before that. This particular day I was still in training and working at the Wal-Mart branch along with two other employees who’d gone outside to take a smoke break.  Our counter was at the end of the cash registers so we saw people as they were leaving the store. I was just standing there behind the counter when I heard this little girl singing Happy Birthday.  She kept singing it over and over.  I looked up to see her standing at the end of the checkout counter looking at me and singing, “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you.”  I looked up to see if there were some balloons hung up somewhere in the bank or something to make her think it was my birthday and there was nothing.  She just kept looking at me and singing Happy Birthday over and over until they left.  I stood there puzzled for a while.  Then (and this probably sounds stupid) I realized it was Anthony singing to me through the little girl.  He remembered it was my birthday.  He never missed telling me Happy Birthday even when he was in jail.  I was on cloud nine after I realized he remembered me. That was the best birthday ever.

Three days later, was Anthony’s 20^th birthday.  Several family members sent me cards to wish Anthony a Happy Birthday or they e-mailed me to see how I was doing, that made me feel good.  Anthony was the first of four cousins to turn twenty.  Three days after he turned twenty, Lauren turned twenty. On her birthday, Lauren e-mailed me and told me she wished Anthony was there to share their 20^th birthday with her.  Anthony and Lauren were very close and she told me she wanted to get a tattoo in his memory and asked me what would be a good one.  I told her he loved crosses so she ended up getting a tattoo of a cross in his memory that touched me. 

Several days after Anthony died I called Aunt Nellie and she told me she was so glad Anthony came to her house with mother and daddy for Christmas last year.  She said he was very polite.  During our conversation Aunt Nellie said while everyone was there for Christmas, she and Uncle Neal were standing in their living room doorway looking at everyone and Aunt Nellie thought to herself this would be the last Christmas they’d all spend together.  She later told Uncle Neal about this and he thought that was rather odd.  Well, she was right the following Christmas they were two people short. Keep reading and you will find out who the second person was. 

It seemed like forever before we got Anthony’s autopsy results back but sometime in June I got a call from the coroner with the results.  I couldn’t really understand him because he had a very thick foreign accent.  What I did understand was when he got the results back from the medical examiner he was puzzled because there was no cocaine in Anthony’s system. He began to suspect foul play and he then said he decided to run one last test that would take forty-five minutes and it came back showing excessive amounts of cocaine in Anthony’s system.  He told me if Anthony used cocaine it would’ve shown up in his system but since he didn’t use cocaine it wasn’t showing up in the tests.  He also told me if Anthony would’ve used cocaine it may have saved his life because his body would be used to cocaine in his system.  The coroner listed the cause of death as an accidental overdose of cocaine and multiple organ failure. Before running that last test, he was going to list the cause of death as unknown. I finally had an answer as to what killed my son and I was satisfied with that answer. My mother on the other hand wasn’t. She was still very angry at Susan and blamed Anthony’s death on her.

On July 24, 2007, I got a call from Nick telling me Aunt Nellie had passed away. She was bitten by a tick and got Rocky Mountain Spotted Tick Fever which initially put her in the hospital. Once in the hospital, the doctor told her family Aunt Nellie’s ten year recovery from cancer was over.  She now had leukemia. The two of those together was more than Aunt Nellie’s body could handle. She was the second person that was not there for Christmas the following year.

I really wanted to go to Aunt Nellie’s funeral because she meant the world to me. However, I didn’t have the money for the flight so mother paid for my plane flight from Minnesota to Memphis where she picked me up. I had no idea how hard Aunt Nellie’s funeral would be on me.  Funerals had never bothered me in the past but this was the first one I’d attended since Anthony’s death, four months earlier, and it was really hard.

Once I got to the funeral home I paid my respects to Aunt Nellie and the family. Then I found Nick and I spent most of my time with him. We just hung out and talked about the good old days with Anthony and Aunt Nellie. 

When the time came to start the funeral I snuck out the back door because there was no way I was going to be able to sit through that without balling out loud.  This was another way to avoid crying over my own son’s death.

When the funeral was over I was supposed to fly back to Ashburn but I decided to stay a couple of days with my parents in White House.  This was the first time I’d ever seen my parent’s house and it was rather strange walking around the house my son had lived in.  Anthony would be in the basement of their house smoking a cigarette and talking to me on the phone so it was weird seeing the place he used to be when he’d call me.  That night I stayed in what used to be his bedroom but my parents had now turned it into a guest room.  As I lay in bed that night I felt his presence all around me and it was very comforting. 

In the backyard daddy made a memorial rock garden with a weeping willow and a bench to sit on in Anthony’s memory.  This brought tears to my eyes when I saw it.  Mother said the reason for planting the weeping willow was because he liked weeping willows. That brought more tears to my eyes because when Anthony was five years old I told him when I died I wanted pink and white carnations on my casket, a weeping willow at my head, and water at my feet.  Every so often after that he’d tell me, “Mom, I still haven’t forgotten you want pink and white carnations on your casket, a weeping willow at your head, and water at your feet.  Do you still want that?” and I would answer, “Yes” every time.

In their front yard was a pile of rocks made into a circle at the foot of a tree, Mother told me Anthony was in the yard one day playing with the rocks and made that circle.  She said they never moved them and Daddy was going to make a flower bed out of them.  When spring came that year Daddy did just that. He put Monkey grass round the rocks and pretty pink flowers inside the Monkey grass.  

In August Christina and Gregory (twins) turned twenty.  It didn’t seem right with all his cousins turning twenty without him.

Sometime in October 2007 Eddie was transferred so we moved from Thompson, ND to Thief River Falls, MN. Shortly after we moved, I realized I had a problem. In my mind Anthony was still very much alive and I knew this wasn’t true.  I decided I needed to start seeing a counselor so I’d drive from Thief River Falls, MN to Grand Forks, ND, about an hour drive, once a week to see a counselor. 

The one thing that the counselor made me do was write Anthony a letter telling him anything I wanted to but I had to write to him.  I went home and decided I’d write to him telling him what was going on in my life at that time. I was basically updating him on what was going on just like I would if we were talking on the phone.

I remember walking in the counselor’s office the following week with the letter I wrote and told him, “I will be fine as long as you don’t make me read it out loud.”  That was a mistake because he made me pretend Anthony was sitting in a chair in the room, made me turn towards the chair, and read the letter to him. Here is what the letter said: In the book I wrote I mentioned going to a counselor and him telling me I needed to write a letter to Anthony. I couldn't find the letter for the book but here it is:

My Final Conversation with Anthony

My counselor asked me last week what I would have said to Anthony in our final conversation if I would have known it would have been our last. I made myself think about this and this is what I came up with. Since I can’t change the last conversation we had if Anthony were to come back just for one more day this is what I would say to him. Son, I’m sorry you lived such a rough life. I wish I could have afforded to move out when you were younger. When we first moved out you were three years old and your life was disrupted because you were used to living with Mimi, Charlie, and Aunt Gigi. The way I know this disrupted your life was because you started destroying things. You would destroy the plants in the yard, pee in the shower, cut the shower curtain, etc. I finally got you in a routine and you would sit in the bathroom floor every morning while I got ready for work and I would sing to you and every night before we went to sleep and we were both in our own beds I would say “Good night Anthony” and you would say “Good night Mom.” Then I would say “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Then you would say “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Then we would both say “I love you” and we would go to sleep. If I could do things over again I would have left Timmy a whole lot sooner. I wouldn’t change the fact that we had Kevin and Brett so I can’t say that I would not have married him. Your entire life changed when Timmy and Tyler moved in. You had to share your bedroom with Tyler and give up your playroom for the nursery for Kevin when he was born. I’m sorry that Tommy was such a pitiful father to you. I don’t regret having you at all I just wish I would have done things the right way, fall in love, get married and have a baby. I think then your life would have been a lot more stable and things would not have turned out like they did. I think that Tommy treating you like you were the best thing that happened to him the week you went to stay with him and then completely ignoring you after that was real crappy. He would promise you he would send you cigarettes write to you and come to your graduation when you were at Camp Shelby and he didn’t do any of those things and wouldn’t even return your phone calls. I wish you and Eddie had gotten along better. He is a good father to your two brothers. Eddie says he thinks about you every day and he talks about you a lot and the things he remembers about you that were funny. I’m glad he remembers them because I have a hard time even remembering you staying with us for very long at all. I have some questions, is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is are you with Chris, J.P., Timmy, Nannaw, Aunt Nellie, Uncle Bobby and Granny? Do you ever come visit mother and me? Mother thinks there are times you at her house and she can feel your presence. I still believe it was you that was singing happy birthday to me on my birthday. Mimi believes you are mad at her because she wouldn’t let your friends in Florida in to see you. I explained to her that was my decision not hers and if you should be mad at anyone it should be me. Mimi was a good mother to you and I know you two had your differences but she loved you dearly. I hope you understand why we did the things we did in Florida as far as your friends were concerned. There were way to many of them to keep coming up to the hospital and we had no idea how much longer you were going to be alive and we wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. Did you know we were there in the hospital with you? Could you hear us talking to you? If not, just wanted to let you know that Carrie and Anthony drove from Mississippi to see you and I unofficially married you and Carrie while you were in the hospital. After you passed away, Carrie bought you a wedding ring and I made sure you got buried in it. Just so you know, I did play “I Miss My Homies” at your funeral like you asked me to do. I also played “My Immortal” because Stephanie said that they played that at Chris’s funeral and you cried every time you heard it. Carrie wasn’t really sure where you wanted to be buried so we buried you by Chris. He is the first person on the row and you are the last person. It is a beautiful place. Your tombstone has a man fishing in a pond with trees behind it and a deer walking up to the pond. Mother, Eddie and I picked it out. It reminded us of your younger days when you were the happiest. The back has a necklace with a cross on it because you always wore your cross necklace. Funny story, I told mother the size pants you wore and she didn’t believe me. I told her to get a size 40 and she said you weren’t that big so she bought you a size 34 and they were too small. The funeral director called us the morning of the viewing and told me you needed a size 40. I called mother and told her that she was going to have to buy you new clothes because the ones we had were too small. Your shirt was too small to but that was my fault. I told Carrie an extra large but you needed a 1x. Carrie had actually bought you a shirt but mother had to buy you another one. Carrie also bought you a Jack Daniels cap which we placed beside you. Mother didn’t want your beautiful curly hair covered up can’t say as I blame her. The funeral director kept saying “That is a big boy!!!” You were squished into the casket and everyone kept making comments about that also. You were a very big boy. Charlie is doing okay. He is doing like I am and is keeping busy to keep from thinking about your death. He finally finished my birdhouse and birdfeeder they are beautiful. They are going to plant flowers in the rock garden you made around the tree in the front yard. Angie and Robert and mom and dad are going to plant weeping willows in their yards in your honor. Mother said you liked weeping willows. I couldn’t believe it the day you told me that you remembered that I wanted a weeping willow planted at the head of my tombstone. Well, you beat me to it. Mother isn’t dealing well with this at all. She breaks down a lot. She is working full time now for Angie. Can you believe Angie is her boss? Well, she is. Me, well, I’m not dealing with your death well at all. I am seeing someone to help me deal with it. At first I was very calm because I know Crystal exaggerates a lot but I knew something was very wrong. I knew not to panic though. The hardest thing was telling mother and knowing she was going to have to tell daddy that you were in critical condition. Watching you lay there and go into seizures was hard on me. Making the decision to pull the plug was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I did everything I could to be sure I was making the right decision. There was no way you were coming back to me the same way you left me and I couldn’t deal with a 6’ infant. Oh by the way, you measured 6’ when you died so congratulations, you made it to your goal height. You thought you were only 5’11” but you were actually 6’. We live in Minnesota now. You thought Virginia was cold. It gets to 40 below actual temp. here. That is cold. I have been keeping in touch with Carrie, Shacoby, Wyatt, Anthony, and Nick. This seems to be the only way I can keep up with you. They tell me stories about you and this also helps me to keep in touch with the kids you grew up with and hold on to you in a way. Eddie plays poker now and seems to be doing okay at it. He has won some money. Me, I am trying to open up my own business as a wedding planner. I have one client already because I used to work with the groom. They are getting married in Wisconsin and they want me to go there to direct the wedding. I think it would be nice to get away for a little while. Your brothers will be out of school then so Eddie won’t have to get them ready for school. I wish you could have been here when mother and daddy came up to help me get the new house stripped of wallpaper and painted before we moved in. Daddy fell down the stairs a couple of times but didn’t get hurt. It reminded me of the time you told me he fell in the upstairs bathtub in their house and how you couldn’t stop laughing after you realized he wasn’t hurt. He also slid down the post of their new back deck while he was building it. Mother said he didn’t get one splinter but he was bruised up a lot. He has lost a lot of weight. He weights 165 lbs. now. He got up to 230. Don’t guess you have ever seen him skinny. It didn’t seem right this year when Lauren, Christina and Gregory turned 20 without you. You were the first of the 4 of you born and you were supposed to beat them to 20. I sent you a birthday card to you’re My Space. Crystal writes to you a lot on there. Well, you made it almost 2 years longer than we expected you to. I wish it would have been many more years than that. You were supposed to bury me. Not me bury you. Thank goodness you told me how you wanted your funeral planned or I would have been lost. You made that part easier on me and I thank you for that. Son, I want you to know that I am not mad at you for what you did I am very disappointed in you though. I don’t know if you didn’t know what would happen to you if you swallowed all that cocaine or if you thought it wouldn’t happen to you. You left a lot of people behind that love you and miss you a lot. I’m sorry I haven’t been to visit your graveside but we live a very long way away. I do intend to come visit you this spring though. Carrie is coming with me and we are also going to visit her mother and father’s graves. Bettye and Dale have visited you several times and change your flowers out. I am so thankful they are willing to do that for you. Someone else keeps leaving things on your graveside but I don’t know who it is. It may be Carrie (Chris’s stepmother) or Rhonda and Brittany I’m not sure. I’m just glad that people are visiting you and you aren’t left out there with no one that cares about you. Many people loved you a lot I know you didn’t feel that way but you had a lot of people in your life that loved you. Because I had made the decision to pull the plug on Tina’s birthday she didn’t celebrate her birthday. Just thought you might like to know that. I gave your necklace and bracelet to Carrie and I kept your driver’s license and class ring. That is all the jewelry we got back. I have no idea where your wallet, watch, and the bracelet that Angie and Robert gave you are. If you know I wish you would tell me so we could possibly get them. I wore your class ring on my finger the entire time you were in the hospital. It gave me security and helped me get through everything that was going on. I later put it on a chain and wore it around my neck because it was too big for my finger. I no longer wear it and I’m not really sure why. I guess it was because people kept asking me questions about it and I got tired of explaining that it was my dead son’s ring. Eddie, the boys and I went to Yellowstone after you died. Every time we stopped or passed somewhere that reminded us of you we would reminisce about it. Oh, on our way home from your funeral, we stopped at an A&W and made a toast to you. We all drank root beer including me and I hate root beer. Eddie talks a lot about how much you loved the root beer at A&W and drank 13 glasses of it when we went to Yellowstone together. You would stand under the fountain and refill your drink, stand there and drink it and then refill it over and over. You were so hyper after that and we didn’t understand why because we thought there was no caffeine in that root beer. We later learned that it does have caffeine and we then knew why you were so hyper. Eddie still laughs about all the pictures you took of that one deer. You took an entire roll of that and of the room we had in Las Vegas. We all laugh about you leaning over on Kevin to take the picture of the Bison and him yelling “I can’t breathe get off of me” and you saying “but I just want one picture.” Then later a mother and baby bison came to your side of the car. We still laugh about the boy coming out of Universal Studios with the puppy puppet on his hand and going "rough” and you not saying or doing anything and then I burst out laughing and everyone else started laughing then. We also still laugh about the calling card you bought when we went to Yellowstone and tried to call your friends over and over. When you finally got Carrie you talked to two minutes and the phone went dead. That was so funny. It wasn’t funny to you though. You were very mad. You had a great personality and you made everyone around you laugh. I miss that personality and those funny stories you told. I don’t know if there is such a thing as heaven and hell but in case you didn’t know, Aunt Nellie died in July. I went to her visitation but I couldn’t go inside during the funeral. I did tell her to take care of you and I looked over at Nick who was standing there beside me and told him that if all three of you were in heaven you didn’t have a chance because Nannaw and Aunt Nellie would keep you in line and you know they will. You need someone to keep you in line. One thing I wouldn’t change for the world is that I was there when you took your first breath and I was there when you took your last and I am so thankful for that. I miss you dearly and I love you. You were my best friend, my security guard and I knew if something happened to me and I couldn’t take care of myself you would be there for me. I don’t have that security now. One thing I am very thankful for is that every night or at the end of every phone conversation I would tell you and your brothers that I love you. Thank God my last words to you were “I love you,” I know you will never hear me say these things to you but it helps me heal. I am crying as I write this to you because I know I will never be able to really tell you these things. I wish I did actually have one more day with you. We would ride four-wheelers like you liked to do and I would let you spend time with your brothers who by the way are now 5’11” and 5’10”. You wouldn’t believe how tall they are. A professional basketball player told me that Brett will probably top out somewhere between 6’7” and 7’. He would have been taller than you. Could you imagine looking up to your baby brother? We would go fishing and just spend the day together. I would make sure we were in Tennessee so you could see Mimi and Charlie one last time too. They really miss you and love you a lot. Hopefully someday we will be together again until then bye for now. I will always love you and miss you dearly. You will always be in my heart.

Needless to say, I balled like a baby.  I was so embarrassed when I got finished.  He told me the reason he did that was because he knew I was not accepting the fact my son had passed away and I needed to do that in order to start the healing process.  That was the last time I went to him because I knew he was only going to push me harder into accepting my son’s death and I wasn’t ready for that.

Another thing he noticed was that I would refer to Anthony in the present.  He told me I was no longer to do that because he was no longer here and going forward I was to refer to him in the past.  That broke my heart.  I didn’t want to refer to my son in the past because to me he was still in the present.  It was very hard but from that day forward I referred to him in the past.

Not long after Aunt Nellie passed away, I entered a photo contest because she and Anthony always told me I took such beautiful pictures.  Shortly after that I received something in the mail telling me they had chosen my picture to be in their book and wanted me to write a little something about myself.  I wrote the following, “I live in Minnesota and have been taking pictures for twenty eight years now.  In 2003 I received my diploma in photography.  I would like to dedicate this photograph to my Aunt Nellie and my son Anthony who both passed away in 2007.  They both had a lot of faith in me when I didn’t have faith in myself.”

About a month later I received, in the mail, the book, “Photography Vibes Best of Edition.”  When I opened it there was the picture I’d taken and I was the, “Featured Photographer.”  I was so excited. The winning picture was the picture I took of a starfish in Maine.

Thank you Anthony and Aunt Nellie, I guess you guys were right all along.  Love and miss you both. 

As I mentioned before, in 2007 we moved to Thief River Falls, MN. The house we moved in was a four-story, four bedroom, three full bath house with a full size finished basement. This house was huge. It was way too big for the four of us so in August 2008 we got our first ever exchange student. Her name was Steffi and she was from Germany. In February 2009, we got our second exchange student from Denmark, his name was Christian. My house was now full again and I loved hearing all the laughter the kids would bring.

In November 2007, I finally broke down for an entire day.  I wasn’t working at that time and I was at home by myself. I guess it finally hit me hard that Anthony was really dead. I started the day out crying because I was sad he was gone. As the day went on I got mad at him, I yelled at him, told him I was very mad at him for leaving me alone in this world and for doing something so stupid to take his life. 

Anthony and I were a lot alike.  He was the only person that really understood where I was coming from in life.  I now had no one to talk to and no one to relate to.  His brothers are good kids and the family accepts them as good kids.  Anthony and I were both the black sheep of the family and now I was by myself.  I was very mad at him for leaving me alone. Once I finally told Anthony how I really felt I felt a lot better and I stopped crying.  I’d been crying hard for about eight hours straight.

I spoke to Anthony R. around Thanksgiving 2007 and he was going back to school to become a nurse and was moving back in with his family.  He’d been sober for a month because he got a DUI. He told me he had no idea how much a DUI could affect you. I told him I was very proud of his accomplishments in life.

On May 19, 2008 Carrie called me and told me Anthony R. had passed away. This was a little over a year after my Anthony died. I hated hearing that because I knew exactly what his parents were going through.  I called Jean to make sure she was holding up ok.  She told me she remembered me telling her Anthony that if he didn’t change the way he lived he’d end up just like my Anthony and sure enough he did.  She also told me that not to long before that her Anthony was in the hospital in a coma and when he woke up he said, “I look just like Crabtree with all the tubes everywhere.” She said, “Except for the life support machine.” What a sad day that was. Anthony R was born on June 3, 1986 and died May 19, 2008, another one of our children taken away from us. He was the fourth of Anthony’s friends to die.  How sad.   

Dwight, Anthony R.’s father, shared the following with me: “I remember when your Anthony was failing math, and I tutored him and helped him to pass math. What was funny is that same semester, our daughter Sarah, failed math. Jean said one thing that was funny was your Anthony and ours never called each other Anthony. It was always Crabtree and Rigdon. I remember that day at the funeral for your Anthony, you tried to warn our Anthony he could wind up like your Anthony. 14 months and 3 days later, he did. 

I often remember the days I had both of the Anthony’s in the Children’s Church at Castlewoods.  Those were fun days and they truly were two peas in a pod.  They hung around each other, went fishing, partying and other stuff together.  It was amazing after our Anthony died you sent a picture of your Anthony’s headstone and it was almost identical to the one we got for our Anthony.

Our boys were so close in life and ended up being close in death, down to the details of the engraving on their head stones.  I was so glad my Anthony was able to come to Florida and see your Anthony when he was in the hospital.  Anthony told me a few weeks before your Anthony died that your Anthony was trying to move back up here to get away from everything down there.  Oh If we could have just fixed our boys!!!"

I’m not sure when, but sometime in 2008, I saw on Susan’s My Space page that Elaine had died.  My heart goes out to Mark and Julie even though they were very ugly to my mother and me.  No one deserves to lose a child.  However, if you are ugly to others, remember Karma will come back and bite you in the butt.

Both of our exchange students left in June of 2009 and again our house was very empty. Eddie and I were having a lot of problems with our marriage and Eddie was never home. All the kids Kevin, Brett, Steffi and Christian had been telling me for some time I needed to leave Eddie and get on with my life but there was just no way that would have been possible at the time.

I didn’t realize it at the time but getting exchange students was my way of filling that void left in my heart from Anthony’s death. I know Steffi and Christian were there to help fill that void of the loss of a child but those two children mean the world to me and I’m so glad they are a part of my life.  I love them dearly and try to keep in contact with them the best I can.  Hopefully someday I will get to visit them in their country.

Even though it was two years after Anthony’s death, I still wouldn’t accept the fact that he was no longer with me. I was still doing everything in my power to fill that void. Now that the house was empty again I was left facing that fact.

I really needed someone to talk to about this but as I mentioned before, Eddie was never home and the kids didn’t really want to hear about the death of their brother so again I held my feelings inside. Since there was no one to talk to, I turned to food to fill that void and comfort me.

Since I was home alone all the time I spent a lot of time on Facebook. Hoping this would give me someone to talk to. Then God answered my prayers. Cliff, a childhood classmate stepped back into my life. If it weren’t for Cliff I never would have accepted the fact my son was dead.

Chapter XXVII How Cliff Helped me Accept and Deal with Anthony’s Death

Even though it had been two years since Anthony’s death, I still hadn’t accepted the fact that he was no longer with me. In the back of my mind he was still alive. You see it took me three years to accept the fact Anthony had passed away.  I know that sounds strange because he died in my arms, but if you remember, the funeral was easy for me because it didn’t look like Anthony in the coffin.

Over the last couple of years, my marriage to Eddie began to deteriorate. He was never home, the kids were in school all day, and I was home alone. I really needed someone to talk to every now and then. Then one day I found that someone and his name was Cliff.

Let me give you a little background about Cliff and me.  We were classmates from the 2^nd grade until we graduated together in 1984. We never dated or anything like that we just knew each other from class. Once we graduated, we went our separate ways until August 11, 2009 when he sent me an instant message on Facebook asking me how I was doing.

As our conversation progressed I told him I had lost a son on March 16, 2007. He told me he was very sorry and started asking me questions about Anthony. To my surprise he listened to and cared about what I had to say. So for the first time ever since Anthony’s death, I started talking about him.

A couple of days later, Cliff called me and I had been crying so he asked me what was wrong. I explained to him I was watching the movie “Pay it Forward” which I had seen before but this was the first time I had seen it since Anthony’s death and it really hit home. He said, “I can't begin to understand and I wouldn’t try and pretend to. I am so sorry for your loss.” I told him, “Thank you. Some days are very bad and others are okay. I should’ve known better than to watch that movie.” He said, “It's all part of the ‘process’. You can't avoid it. I want you to know I admire your strength.” I said, “Not so strong right now.” He said, “You can't be strong all the time. It's good to let go. It's always best to remember but that can be the most painful.” I said, “Yeah, for the longest I refused to believe he was dead even though he died in my arms. I had to see a counselor to help me get through that process. I still have a hard time accepting the fact he’s dead. Some days it hits me and it hits me hard.” Cliff said, “It does I’m sure and it will. That isn't going to go away. What will lessen over time is the pain, and you’ll remember the good times and not the pain.” 

During our conversation I told Cliff Anthony had a Facebook site a friend of his had started and if he wanted to see it he could go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/2393815898/?ref=br_tf. If you are reading this and would like to see his site you are more than welcome to join it or just look at it.  He looked just like me and he’d get so tired of everyone saying, “You look just like your mother.”  What I would give to hear that just one more time.

The following Wednesday Cliff and I were talking about Anthony.  He wanted to know what happened but at the same time he was making me talk about Anthony in order to continue healing.  Every time he would bring Anthony up, I started crying, I hated that.  We spent a lot of time that day on the phone crying together. 

The next Saturday morning around 7:00 a.m. I called Cliff. Our conversation that morning was very long and very sad.  We talked for about four hours before we hung up. My cell and house phone were both going dead before we got finished talking. The reason the conversation was so long was because the entire conversation was about Anthony.  I started explaining Anthony’s death in more detail to Cliff and it was very hard at times.  I’d start crying and he’d start crying and I’d have to stop talking long enough to regroup and start over. 

During our conversation I decided I would drive to Little Rock, AR to visit Cliff. I really needed a companion at this time and he seemed to really care about what was going on in my life so we agreed this would be a good thing. He told me during my visit were going to go see Anthony.  You have to understand, to go see Anthony was a six hour drive one way from Cliff’s house.  We were going to go see him, turn around and drive back home the same day, Cliff telling me that touched my heart. How many people do you know that would drive six hours one way just to spend a few minutes at a grave and turn around and drive back? Twelve hours in a car for Cliff wasn’t going to be easy.  His hips would give him a lot of problems when he would sit for long periods of time. For him to be willing to travel that far for me to see my son, meant the world to me. 

He told me while we were at the cemetery he would sit in the car, go to the graveside and stand behind me or beside me, whatever I wanted him to do. I told him I wanted him to go to the graveside with me and stand beside me so when I broke down I would be able to put my head on his shoulder and hold him tight. He told me he would be honored to do that for me. Then Cliff started singing “Lean on Me” which made me cry. He told me he was proud of me for crying and there’d be a lot more of that to come. He wasn’t kidding.  Once I turned it on I haven’t been able to turn it off.

My marriage had been over for a very long time and in October 2009, I moved to Little Rock to be with Cliff. I was ready to be with someone that was going to be there for me and listen to me when I wanted to talk about my son. I needed to talk about my son, that was the only way I was ever going to accept the fact he was no longer with me.

The day before Anthony’s three year anniversary I was at Cliff’s house talking about Anthony as if he were still alive. Cliff walked over to me, made me look at him and said “Lori, Anthony is dead. Your son is dead.”  I started shaking my head and telling him, “No he is not!”  He then told me, “Yes he is.  Anthony is dead.”  I still shook my head no.  Then Cliff turned my face toward his, made me look him in the eye, and repeat to him over and over again, “Anthony is dead. My son is dead.  Anthony is dead. My son is dead” until I started crying. Because I started crying he knew I was beginning to accept the fact my son was no longer with me. That was very hard for me because it meant I had really lost my son and he was never coming back. Not long after I started crying I got really mad because I realized what Cliff was doing and I told him I would never cry over Anthony again. He got mad at me because he knew if I refused to cry anymore then all the progress I had made so far would be ruined and I would have to start all over again.

March 16, 2010 was Anthony’s three year anniversary.  I knew that day was probably going to be the hardest day of them all.  Since Cliff and I started talking he’d helped me come to the realization my son was dead and for the first time in three years I was finally grieving.  That morning Cliff and I made up and I had calmed down some.  I ended up crying all morning long. For no reason at all sometimes I’d just start crying.  As the day progressed I stopped crying and I felt so much better.  Cliff was there to hold me during the times I’d break down, he’d tell me I was doing great and he was very proud of me.  I really needed him there at that time.  I also realized I was trying very hard to push him away the night before.  I was afraid of facing the fact my son was dead. I knew I was going to have a hard day that day so if I was mad at Cliff I wouldn’t have to think about Anthony. 

That same Friday, for the first time in my life, I got a tattoo. I’ve always wanted one but was afraid.  Now I had a very good excuse to get one. I wanted Anthony’s name tattooed on my ankle.  We went to the tattoo parlor and I told the man I wanted Ant on my ankle.  He showed me a sketch of the tattoo and I loved it.  It was the letters but not colored in so I figured I could sit through that.  The man took me to the back and he started working on my ankle.  I lay on the bed very still while he was lining up the tattoo.  Then the fun part began.  He started making the tattoo.  It didn’t feel good but it was bearable.  Cliff was standing where he could see me because he wasn’t allowed in the room.  It seemed like I laid there forever.  At one point it felt like he had a knife and was scraping my bone, I never flinched though.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what he was doing since the letters weren’t colored in.  I finally asked him if he was almost finished and he told me, “Yes.”  When I got up and looked at the tattoo it was colored in.  I then understood why it took so long and why it felt like he had a knife scraping my bone.  The tattoo is very pretty and I will cherish it always.

Since I was closer to Anthony now, I made myself a promise that I would go visit him sometime between March 10 and March 23 every year. The reason for those dates was because that was from the time he went in the hospital up until the day I buried him. Cliff agreed this would be a good idea and he had no problem doing this with me.

Our first trip to see Anthony would be on March 22, 2010. This would be Cliff’s first time going and my second time back since Anthony died.  A couple of days before that we decided to go to Dollar Tree to buy some flowers to place on his grave.  Once we got there all of that changed.  Since Easter was just around the corner, they had all of their Easter merchandise out.  As we walked around the store I’d see things Anthony would like and I’d place them in the basket.  Cliff asked me what I was doing and I told him I was going to put those things on Anthony’s grave.  I told him I didn’t want this to be a sad trip, I wanted it to be a happy one. As we walked around the store, Cliff started throwing things in the basket as well. Before we left the store we bought a chocolate cross, chocolate praying hands (these were because while Anthony was in jail he drew a picture of praying hands and mailed it to me), a bunny door hanger, a whoopee cushion, a box that Cliff put $1 in, flowers that had flames in them (his favorite shirt was a flame shirt), and a stuffed blue bunny. Now I knew my son was going to have a good Easter and I felt better because we were putting happy things around his grave.

The day before going to the cemetery Cliff and I went to Carrie’s house. I wanted him to meet Wyatt, Shocoby and Carrie. These kids had called me every year on Anthony’s anniversary date to be sure I was okay and they had also gone to Anthony’s grave to place flowers on it every year. I wanted him to meet them because they were my children and I wanted them to meet him because I knew someday we would get married. Believe it or not, it snowed on us that day. It never snows in Mississippi and to snow in March is unheard of. After visiting for a little while we all went to a Mexican restaurant for supper then we all went our separate ways. Thank goodness they all hit it off very well. I miss those kids dearly.

Then the day I had been dreading finally arrived, March 22, 2010. Cliff and I went to see Anthony and placed all of the things we bought him on his grave and cleaned it up some.  During our visit, I spoke to Anthony which I had never done before. I told him how much I missed him and loved him and I showed him my new tattoo. Then I introduced him to Cliff. Cliff asked me if it was okay if he spoke to Anthony as well. Again, he touched my heart. I told him that would be fine. I remember him telling Anthony he wished he had known him and how he was going to take good care of me.

Over the past year Cliff had been writing a song for Anthony that he wanted to play for him that day. But when the time came, he left his guitar in the car because he just couldn’t play it.  He told me he hoped I understood and I told him that was fine. He also apologized to Anthony for not playing it.

For the first time since Anthony died I actually felt at peace with his death.  I didn’t cry because I didn’t feel sad, I felt at peace. I am so thankful Cliff did that with me.  I’d needed to do that for the past three years and hadn’t. I felt so much better.  Believe it or not, even though it snowed on us the day before, that day the weather was nice.  It was rather warm, only in Mississippi and Arkansas.

That day Cliff made me a promise. He said, “Any time you feel you need to come visit Anthony we will drop everything and drive to Mississippi. I mean it.” I was so relieved to hear that. I knew he was very sincere and that put my mind at ease. If I ever needed to visit my son I could and Cliff would be right there by my side.

One of the things Cliff started doing for me was pointing out things that had flames on them. He did this because he knew Anthony loved flames and this was his way of remembering Anthony. Not only that but he also knew Anthony loved A&W root beer and one day while we were at a junk store he saw an A&W coffee mug. He bought it, had them wrap it up for me and gave it to me as a present in Anthony’s memory. To this day, he still does things like that and that is one of the many reasons I love him. Also if we go somewhere where you can buy a shamrock, cancer ribbon, etc. he will buy one and put Anthony’s name on it.

On Anthony’s four year anniversary, I watched the clock from 7:00 p.m. on reliving each moment of that night. I had a major breakdown and Cliff was there to hold my hand, cry with me, get out of my way, etc. whatever I needed at that moment. I don't know what I would have done without him. It was because of his help I had managed to deal with my son’s death at all. I had been accepting this little by little but that day I just totally lost it. As the day progressed I started doing better and that evening for the first time in twenty-one years, I sat down and watched the home videos of Anthony growing up. I laughed, I cried, and I remembered what good times we had together. I really needed to do that.

In December 2011 Cliff and I went back to see Anthony. We bought a lantern from the firework stand we ran that year and we were going to take it to Anthony’s grave, light it and release it in his memory.  The night we went, it looked like rain and it was chilly.  We decided to make the twenty minute drive from Pearl to the cemetery in Raleigh in hopes we wouldn’t get rained on.

Once we got there we spent a few minutes talking to Anthony then it started getting dark so Cliff lit the lantern and let it go.  We watched it rise higher and higher in the sky.  All you could see was this golden light against the black sky.  Just as the lantern started fading away, it started raining on us.  We headed back to the car and watched the lantern fade out of site.

As I had mentioned earlier, Cliff made me a promise when I first moved to Little Rock that he would take me to see Anthony every year around his anniversary date. He kept that promise and every year we would go visit Anthony as well as other times if I needed to. On March 17, 2013, I made a very hard decision. I removed some things from Anthony’s grave that had been there for the past six years. It was a very hard thing to do but it needed to be done. On our way home from visiting his grave, I told Cliff we didn't need to mark the date of Anthony’s death as a date we needed to go visit him anymore. The next day on the way to work, I decided I no longer needed to mark the dates of March 10 (the day he went in the hospital), March 16 (the day he passed away), and March 22 (the day we buried him) on my calendar anymore. It was time I stopped marking those dates as reminders of what happened to him.

Understand I will always love Anthony and Cliff told me if I ever need to go see him we will drop everything and drive to Mississippi. We will also go visit him if we are passing through the Jackson area. The drive to Mississippi is a long one and it gets expensive gas wise and hotel wise. I love my son with all my heart and I will never forget him please understand this. I know he is not at the graveside but he is in my heart. The memories others and myself have of him are what will keep him alive. I will still drop by his Facebook page to say hi but it is time I get on with my life. I kept the promise I made him in his final hours here on Earth and I bought the plot next to his and Cliff bought the plot next to mine. One day we will be side by side but until then I will see him when I can.

In 2013 Cliff and I became very interested in Mediums and started watching the show “Long Island Medium”. He started looking for Mediums in our area because he really wanted me to get a reading in hopes Anthony would come through. He managed to find one and on July 21, 2013, I got a reading.

A couple of days before we went to the reading, I asked Anthony to come through for me with something no one else would know. Something Cliff didn’t know and Sharlotte couldn’t read on Facebook. This way I would know for sure it was him coming through.

The day finally arrived, Sunday, July 21, 2013, and from 2:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. Cliff and I went to get a reading.  In the first forty five minutes, Sharlotte gave many readings before we took a fifteen minute break but I wasn’t one of them.  Once we came back from break Sharlotte said, “Who here is trying to publish a book and it isn’t you” and pointed to a lady and her daughter.  They had received several readings and the lady’s daughter had written a book about bees, they were sitting on the opposite side of the room from us. She then pointed to our side of the room and said, “It is someone over here.”  No one else raised their hand so I raised my hand.  Sharlotte walked over to me and I stood up.  She said, “Have you written a book or are you writing a book?”  I said, “I am writing a book.”  She said, “Good because I am writing a book too and you can help me. What is your book about?”  I shook my head and said, “The book is the reason I’m here.” and I didn’t tell her what the book was about because I wanted her to tell me.  At this point I started crying. She said, “Are you a caring companionate person?  You care about others.”  I said, “Yes.”  She said, “You love animals.”  I said, “Yes.” She said, “Have you recently been to the zoo because I am seeing a zoo.  I am seeing a giraffe.”  I said, “No” and Cliff said, “Your book.” I said, “Huh?”  He said, “Your book.”  I thought for a minute and I then realized the book I am writing about Anthony has a story in it where he went to the zoo when he was three years old.  He was with Nick and Doug and Nick told me Anthony’s favorite animal at the zoo was the Giraffe.  I wrote about the zoo trip but I left out a part Nick told me.  He said when they were at the zoo, Anthony was intrigued by the giraffe he didn’t know if it was because it was so tall or its tongue but Anthony was very intrigued by it and it was his favorite animal. If you go back and read the original story about Nick taking Anthony to the zoo, you won’t see that part in there.  There is no way she could’ve known this because Cliff didn’t even know about the Giraffe.  I said, “I know where the zoo and the Giraffe are coming from now.”  She then said, “I have two people coming through for you.” She said, “I hear baby girl.  Do you have a baby girl or are you the youngest of your siblings?”  I said, “No”.  Cliff said, “You were adopted.”  I said, “I was adopted and I am the youngest of those children.”  She said, “That would be it because this is your biological family.”  She said, “This man’s name is Robert, Dale.  Do you know a Robert or a Dale?”  I said, “My biological father’s name was Dale.”  She said, “Well he’s saying the book is going to be a big hit and you’ll do great.  Just keep doing what you are doing. He loves you, kisses. Thank you.  You may sit down now.” 

I was very pleased with this reading because even though I have never met my biological father I had learned his name was Dale and I’d been doing research on my biological family.  I guess he has passed and it is nice to know he is with me.  That is something no one knew about.  It is not anywhere on Facebook and Cliff and I were wondering about Anthony coming through not Dale.

A little while later Sharlotte was standing on the other side of the room giving a lady a reading and she said, “I’m not sure if this is for you or not.  No, this is not for you.”  Has someone here lost a son?”  I looked around the room and waited for someone else to raise their hand but they didn’t. I raised my hand and stood up again. Sharlotte walked over to me and said, “He is helping you write a book.  You are writing a book together.  This book is about him isn’t it?”  I started crying again and said, “Yes, the book is about him.” What she didn’t know was when I first started writing this book about two months before that I had no idea what to write and what I was writing made no since.  I sat in my chair in front of my computer pushed my chair away from the table and said, “Anthony please help me write this story.  I can’t do it by myself.  This story is about your life son and I really need your help.”  No sooner had I asked Anthony to help me, the words just came to me and the sentences actually flowed together.  For her to say we were writing a story together was very true.   She said, “He is saying it will be a big hit.  Keep doing what you are doing.” She also said, “I didn’t do it.  Do you know what that means? He is telling you his death isn’t his fault do you understand that?”  I said, “Yes.” As you read, Anthony’s death was very confusing.  We had no idea if he killed himself or if he was poisoned by his “friends.”  Her saying this verified he didn’t commit suicide.  She pointed to Cliff and said, “He says you are a good man.”  She then pointed to me and said, “He says you were a good mom. I love you.”  She then pointed to Cliff and asked, “Were you his step-father?”  Cliff said, “No.  I actually never knew him but I know of him.”  Sharlotte said, “Well in the spirit world you were his father and he says you are a good father.”  Then I cried even more.  She pointed to Cliff and said, “There is something about icing on a cake.  Do you understand that?”  What went through my head was I was the icing on his cake but I didn’t know if that was what this meant or not.  She then said, “I think they mean she is the icing on your cake.  She makes your life whole.  Does this make since to you?”  Keep in mind there were twenty three people in the class and Cliff was the only man.  He said, “Yes.  I totally understand that.  She is the icing on my cake.  She does make my life whole.”  All the women started laughing and Sharlotte said, “You knew that was what you were supposed to say or you would’ve been in trouble.”  We all laughed again. Sharlotte then said, “Kisses, love you, thank you. You may be seated.”  I said, “Thank you and I love you too.”

I asked Anthony to tell me something no one else would’ve known to tell me so I would know he was there.  Even though there are copies of the chapters of the book I have written no one knew I asked him to help me write it.  When she said, “I didn’t do it” Anthony answered a question I had in the back of my mind for some time.  He seemed very depressed the last time I spoke with him which was his last day conscious.  He kept telling me his heart hurt and I couldn’t get him to tell me if it was a heart attack kind of heart or a girlfriend kind of hurt.  When I got the call he was in the hospital unconscious I wondered if he’d tried to commit suicide or if his friends had done this to him.  I got my answer he didn’t try to commit suicide.

Do I believe Anthony came through to talk to me? Absolutely!  The shocking thing was Dale came through as well.  I had no idea my father even knew I existed let alone being here with me.

As you can see, Cliff has been there for me over the years and has helped me in every way possible. If I need to cry he lets me cry. If I get angry he lets me get angry. He listens when I talk and he points out things that remind me of my son. I don’t know how I would’ve done it without his help.  Thank you Cliff for all you’ve done and continue to do for me.  I love you.