49
By Monday morning, she still had not heard from her sister-in-law, but she knew what she wanted. Emily had come down for the weekend and had submitted herself to being babied and pampered for the whole forty-eight hours. Despite everything else that was going on, Jen felt more herself – more comfortable, even – than she had been in ages. When Emily left, and the house was cold and too quiet again, she knew that she wanted this baby. Maybe, she thought, she was being selfish – as if she only wanted to have it to fill a hole in her life – but then it was her view that most people had children for selfish reasons, anyway, because what other reason was there? She certainly didn’t think they were doing it for the kids’ sake.
She knew, too, that her days with Sean were numbered, whatever happened. If he had any sense, he’d be back on the first train to the Cotswolds as soon as she told him the news. They had texted rather than phoned over the weekend, because, Jen had explained to him, she couldn’t really chat with Emily home, and it was far too early to tell her daughter she was seeing someone. Of course, in her own head, she was thinking why tell her and go through all the drama that would precipitate, when it was probably all going to be over next week, anyway? Her plan was to tell Sean everything, face to face, on Tuesday evening. That was going to be a date to remember.
The other thing she knew was that she owed it to both the baby and to Jason to let him know sooner rather than later. She wanted him to have the opportunity to be a father to this child. And she had to admit that a part of her was even wondering whether this could be a way back. Whether Jason would see past everything else they’d been through and want to be a family again. Whether she would be welcomed back into the fold.
She allowed herself to daydream a little about them all sitting around the table again, the Mastersons. A high chair nestling in between her and Charles. Even Jessie was bound to come round when she met her new baby niece or nephew. She could almost smell the comforting aromas of the house in Twickenham, hear the laughter, taste Amelia’s home cooking. She had no idea if it was even possible that they could recapture some of what they’d had, but she knew she had to give it a shot.
When Sean walked into reception the following afternoon, a flutter in Jen’s chest and a quickening of her pulse let her know that she was pleased to see him. Either that, or she was about to have a coronary, struck down by the fear of the conversation she knew they had to have once they were alone.
He greeted her with a big smile. ‘Oh my God, what’s that?’ he said dramatically, pointing out towards the street, once he had got his room key.
Jen and Judy both turned to look and, as they did, when he was confident Judy was facing the other way, Sean leaned over the desk and kissed Jen on the lips.
Judy laughed. ‘I saw that.’
‘Are you trying to get me fired?’ Jen said, half thrilled, half horrified. Graham Roper the Doorman Groper was practically salivating in the doorway, hands in his pockets as if he was fumbling for change.
‘Six o’clock?’ Sean said. They had already arranged that they would revisit their cocktails at The Langham plan. Jen wasn’t sure that she really wanted to tell him what she had to tell him in a crowded bar, but suggesting she could meet him in his room didn’t seem to give off the right vibe either.
‘Perfect.’
‘Wear your uniform, it’s kind of cute.’
‘Perv,’ she said, laughing.
After their first evening out, last week, she had brought a change of clothes with her on the second night they were meeting up. The first time he had seen her dressed in her civvies Sean had done a mock double take and said, ‘Oh my God, you’re female. I hadn’t realized.’
Because it was a warm evening they decided to walk to The Langham – or, at least, Sean suggested it and Jen thought she should agree, even though she was desperate to get there and get it over with. He was so patently happy to see her that she felt as if she was leading her carefree tail-wagging retriever to the vet’s to be put down. Walkies! Good boy! Sorry, Fido, this is where we say goodbye.
As they headed down Wigmore Street, she asked him questions about the area around where he lived, where he grew up, his school. It was like an episode of This Is Your Life. Anything to keep him from asking her about how she was.
Once there, they settled down in the bar and looked at the cocktail menu – although, of course, Jen had no intention of ordering one. She had tried to edge towards a table as far away from other people as possible, but it was obvious they wouldn’t really get any privacy anywhere, the place was too crowded. She knew she had to say what she needed to say as quickly as possible, but then Sean reached for her hand and she couldn’t stop herself from getting caught up in the moment.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ he said, his blue-grey eyes fixed on hers.
She couldn’t help holding his gaze. Damn, why couldn’t she at least not have found out for a couple more days? It had been obvious to both of them, when they had last said goodnight in his hotel room, that the next time they met up would be it. Move straight to last base, do not pass Go. Now, obviously, there was no question that she was going to sleep with him, knowing she was pregnant with Jason’s baby.
She gulped. ‘You too.’
‘My cousin Annie – you know, the one who married one of her teachers – she’s looking after the showroom. She says I’m to tell you I can stay as long as I like. She’s got it all under control.’
Oh God.
‘Sean …’ Jen said, in a tone that she hoped said, ‘Listen to me, this is serious.’
It worked, because he sat bolt upright as if he was waiting to be told off. She had rehearsed over and over again, in her head, what she was going to say, but now it came to it, she felt tongue-tied.
‘Is everything OK?’ he said gently.
She knew she just had to spit it out.
‘No. There’s no easy way to say this –’
He interrupted her. ‘OK.’
She breathed deeply. ‘When I thought I had food poisoning the other day, I didn’t. I’m pregnant.’
‘God, I must be potent because we haven’t even had sex …’ Sean said, attempting a joke, although she could tell his heart wasn’t really in it.
‘Jason,’ she said. ‘I haven’t … well, you know … with anyone else.’
‘On a scale of what I was expecting you to say, that wasn’t even on there.’
‘I know. It came as a bit of a surprise to me too.’
‘And … you’re sure?’
She nodded. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘For what? I can hardly be upset with you because you’re having your husband’s baby.’ He sat back, looked anywhere but at her, fiddled with the collar of his jacket.
Jen felt a wave of feeling for him as she thought how he must have brought that jacket down specially, knowing they were going to have cocktails at a smart hotel. It was a little worn around the cuffs, she noticed. It had seen better days.
‘It was a mistake, obviously. Right before we split up. Actually, the night before the big fight.’
‘What does he think about it?’
‘I haven’t told him yet. I’m going to go and do it face to face.’
‘Right.’
She told him then – because their thing was always to be open with each other – how she knew the exact date the baby had been conceived, because of how her marriage to Jason had been in the weeks leading up to it. And that she had thought long and hard about whether to keep it, but she knew now that she wanted it more than anything.
‘It might be my last chance and, even though I never would have wanted it to happen this way, I’m not giving the baby up.’
‘I understand.’
‘In all honesty, I don’t expect you to. I’m not sure I do myself.’
Sean went quiet for a second. He could still hardly bring himself to look at her. ‘Jen. Are you … do you think this might bring Jason round, make him want to reconcile?’
‘I don’t know. I mean, that’s not why I want to have it.’
‘I know that.’
‘But I think if anything’s ever going to make him change his mind, then this might, yes.’
‘And is that what you want?’ He looked up. Looked her straight in the eye.
She looked away. Was it what she wanted? ‘I … I don’t know. I think so. I think it would be the best thing for the baby … to have its family …’
There, she’d said it.
She noticed a waiter was hovering. Sean waved him away. Not now.
‘I really like you,’ she said, and it came out sounding like a massive cliché. ‘And I’m truly sorry I messed you around. I didn’t mean to.’
‘I understand. Don’t beat yourself up about it.’
‘Do you want to go? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.’
‘Is that what you’d rather?’
‘I don’t know, to be honest. It’s so good to see you, but I guess I should go home.’
‘No. I promised you cocktails, so let’s have cocktails. Virgin ones, obviously.’
‘OK.’
He called the waiter over, and Jen ordered something that sounded like it would bring on a detox immediately, whether she wanted that or not. Sean ordered the same, and then changed his mind at the last minute and asked for something much stronger that involved several decisions about the type of olives and whether the ice was better cubed or crushed.
She wondered what they were going to talk about, now that she had hammered such a big nail into their coffin. Sean, being Sean, though, wanted to continue facing the issue head on.
‘How do you think your daughters will react?’
She had been thinking about that all weekend. She was pretty sure that, beyond the initial reaction of ‘Eew, Mum and Dad had sex’, they would be excited. They were old enough, the age gap sufficient, that she didn’t think either of them would feel threatened or usurped. And, even if they did, the idea of a reconciliation would bring them round soon enough.
‘OK, would be my guess, eventually, although you can never tell. And anything that brings me and their dad closer together …’
‘This whole thing must have been rough on them.’
They sat there in silence for a few moments. Jen grasped around for something to say. Failed.
‘And how about the rest of the Magnificent Mastersons?’
She smiled. He was trying so hard, and she was touched that he was clearly wanting to make it as easy for her as possible. She told him how Charles seemed to have been absolved, how they were a unit again. How she was hoping this baby might bring her closer to the whole family.
‘And what if you get back together with him?’ Sean asked. ‘Will you go straight back into dutiful daughter-in-law mode with your father-in-law too? Everyone’s forgiven, move on.’
‘No. I don’t think it could ever be like that again …’ She tailed off. It seemed so odd, so wrong, somehow, to be discussing how it might be, if she and Jason reconciled.
‘You know my philosophy. Lay all your cards on the table – both of you – and then see how you feel. Everything up front.’
‘Jason doesn’t really do up front.’
‘It’s the only way. Always know what you’ve signed up for.’
‘Maybe you should come with me. Act as my adviser,’ she said, attempting a joke.
Mercifully, he laughed. ‘You’ll be fine.’
Thankfully, he didn’t ask her what she would do if Jason didn’t seize this opportunity to put her family back together. She wouldn’t have known what to say. She hadn’t thought that far ahead.
They had two drinks, and then Jen felt as if they should go home. She loved Sean’s company, but she didn’t want to prolong the agony. She didn’t want it to seem as though she was giving him hope, by spending the whole evening with him. She was also a little afraid that, if she sat opposite him for too long, she might throw herself at him across the table, rip his clothes off there and then.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, I suppose,’ he said as they left. ‘I guess I’ll check out in the morning. Go back …’
Jen agreed to get a cab – she felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically – but not to Sean contributing to it.
‘Thanks for being so understanding. And I really am sorry.’
‘Will you stop saying that? I feel like a priest in a confessional. Would it make you feel better, if I told you to say three Hail Marys?’
She forced a laugh. She really was feeling wretched. Why did he have to be so reasonable, so nice about everything? ‘I don’t know the words.’
‘OK, three choruses of “Don’t Stop Believin’”, then. It’ll have the same effect.’
They hugged, and Jen felt him bury his face in her nicely straightened and smelling-of-coconut hair. She pulled away after a couple of seconds. Buttoned up her jacket. Got in the cab.
When she got to work the following morning, he had already checked out, leaving a note that said he thought it would be easier on them both not to have to say goodbye in front of her colleagues.
He wished her luck. Told her she deserved to be happy. Asked her to let him know how things were going, because he would be wondering. There was no mention of him coming down again and, when Jen checked the future reservations, she couldn’t find any reference to him. She had the feeling he would find another hotel next time.
She felt sad that it had ended like this, even though Sean had made it as painless as it could possibly be under the circumstances. She had treated him badly without ever wanting to, and he had behaved as, it seemed, Sean always behaved – rational, reasonable, wanting her to be happy. She felt as though she had lost a friend.