52

She had expected a hint of coldness. Some resistance, at least. Had almost wanted it. A chance to clear the air. But the thing with Amelia was that she would never fight back. It had always been that way. However she might be feeling underneath, her default setting was to pretend that everything was fine with her world. Like mother, like son.

‘Jen,’ she said, smiling as she opened the door. ‘It’s so wonderful to see you.’

She pulled Jen into a hug, and Jen felt herself respond. It was irresistible.

‘How have you been? Tell me everything you’ve been up to,’ Amelia said cheerfully, as if Jen was a teenager returned from a gap year rather than the family outcast who had suddenly been offered her old job back.

‘Oh … you know …’

She followed Jason and his mother into the kitchen. Nothing had changed; the Masterson museum was still intact.

‘So,’ Amelia said, filling the kettle with water. ‘Did you hear that Poppy has a new boyfriend? Ben. She brought him to lunch last Sunday, and he seems like a lovely man.’

An image popped into Jen’s head. Her running up to a strange man, begging him to save himself before it was too late.

(‘Back away from the front door!’)

‘Yes. I heard.’

‘Clearly dotes on her so, of course, that means I’m predisposed to like him.’

(‘Run, run for the hills, before they suck you in.’)

‘I’m glad.’

Amelia put a mug of coffee down in front of her. ‘Oh, wait, I have a new photo of Violet to show you.’ She rifled through a pile of papers on the kitchen table and found what she was looking for. ‘Look at that face! Isn’t she a beauty?’

Jen looked at the picture. There was no denying that Violet was cute. She already had Poppy’s eyes. Jessie’s nose. ‘Adorable.’

‘Well, you’ll see them next weekend, they’re coming for Sunday lunch.’

Jen felt her heart sink. Almost heard it crash to the floor with a sickening thud. She looked over at Jason, who was smiling at her encouragingly.

‘I promised my mum I’d go down there, actually.’

She waited for the world to end.

Amelia smiled. ‘Well, maybe the weekend after.’ She turned to Jason. ‘I can’t believe your father is playing golf in this weather. I told him it might rain.’

‘I’ll phone him,’ Jason said. ‘He might want me to go and pick him up.’

‘Jason dropped him off at the club before he picked you up,’ Amelia said. ‘His car’s in the garage.’

Jen couldn’t even think about the idea that Charles might want to come home before she had left.

‘I … um … I promised Judy from work I’d pop over to hers this afternoon,’ she lied, slightly desperately. ‘I probably shouldn’t stay too long.’

‘Just let me sort this out,’ Jason said cheerfully.

Jen looked at him pleadingly. Willed him not to leave the room. Alone with Amelia, she had no idea what to say.

‘So,’ Amelia sat down opposite her. ‘How are things at the hotel? Are they still working you into the ground?’

Jen inhaled deeply. Smiled at her mother-in-law. She knew that Amelia was doing her best to make her feel welcome.

‘Amelia, please. Shout at me. Tell me I ruined your life. Anything. Let’s just talk about it.’

‘I don’t think that’s necessary. We’ve all moved on.’

Jen was determined not to give up. ‘There are things I still don’t understand. When I … when it all came out, what did you mean when you said you’d always known?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Please. I’m really trying to comprehend what happened.’

Amelia exhaled, looked towards the door to check Jason wasn’t within earshot. Jen could hear him talking on the phone, presumably to his father.

‘When Charles started seeing … that woman … I found out, I can’t even remember how. She lived near us, went to the same church, if you can believe that. I thought it would just peter out.’

‘You didn’t confront him?’

‘And drive him away? I had three children. And I loved him. Things were different then. And then, of course, I saw that she was pregnant and I knew he’d be linked to her for ever, one way or another.’

‘Weren’t you afraid he’d leave?’

‘Of course. But I knew he loved the children. And me, actually. I knew he’d never intended for her to replace us. And his television career started to take off. I thought, if I never made it an issue, there would be no reason for him to go. He needed to be seen as having a stable marriage. And I knew that if he thought I had been protected from the truth, he would want to keep it that way. Rather than have the whole thing blow up. Rather than see how hurt I was.’

‘But … how could you live with that?’

‘It was my choice. We were very happy, actually. I don’t expect you, or anyone else, to understand.’

‘So, all this time … you knew Jason, Poppy and Jessie had a sister?’

‘Family isn’t just about blood, Jen. It’s about much more than that.’

Jen stirred her spoon round and round in her coffee. ‘It turns out my father didn’t abandon me. He tried to stay involved, sent me presents, tried to see me. My mother wouldn’t let him.’

‘I’m sorry. She must have had her reasons.’

Jen sighed. ‘I wish things had turned out differently.’

‘Well, sadly, things rarely turn out as we would want them to.’

‘I’m sorry, Amelia. I genuinely mean that. I wish I could turn the clock back.’

‘The others don’t know what I just told you, by the way …’ Amelia said.

Jen could hear Jason saying goodbye, heading up the corridor.

‘… and I don’t want them to. Everything’s back to how it should be now. I don’t want any more upsets.’

‘He’s going to wait it out.’ Jason appeared in the doorway. ‘The forecast says that it’s meant to stop, apparently. He sent you his love, by the way.’

‘Great,’ Jen said weakly.

‘Says he’s looking forward to seeing you. Maybe we should tell Elaine we’ll go the weekend after. You’ve probably seen a lot of her lately, right?’

Jen felt the walls closing in, the ceiling bearing down, the floor rising up. She needed to get out of there.

‘I can’t do this,’ she said, once they were in the car and on the way back to Wimbledon.

Jason turned to look at her. ‘This?’

‘Us. I can’t just slip back into our old life, as if nothing’s changed.’

‘You’re kidding me, right? The whole family’s willing to accept you back, and that’s not what you want?’

‘That’s just it. It’s not that you’ve realized you can’t live without me, or you love me so much that you want to give us another try. It’s like the whole family sat down and had a board meeting and passed a motion that I was to be reinstated.’

‘Don’t be so ridiculous. We’re having a baby. Of course that changes everything. There’s no point holding on to petty grudges – this is much more important.’

‘And if I wasn’t pregnant, do you think any of them would want to have anything to do with me?’

‘You are, so there’s no point even asking the question.’

‘It’s all a lie, this big happy family thing. Can’t you see that? It’s all based on quicksand.’

Jason did a double take. Jen had to stop herself from asking him to keep his eyes on the road. She reminded herself they needed to have this conversation. It didn’t matter how hard it was.

‘How can you say that?’

‘Do you know that your mum knew all along? That it wasn’t just your dad who was deceiving you all, she was too. For the right reasons, don’t get me wrong. To protect you all. To protect herself, really. But that doesn’t change the fact that none of it was real.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘She asked me not to tell you. And I probably shouldn’t have. But don’t you see? That’s half the problem. Everyone’s pretending everything’s fine. No one’s facing anything head on.’

Jason, she noticed, was pulling over. She was glad – a moving car didn’t seem like the most sensible place to have this conversation.

‘How dare you criticize us. After everything that’s happened.’

‘And there,’ Jen said, ‘we have it, in a nutshell. You will always be “us”. You’ll never just be “you”. I’m either married to you all, or none of you. I either buy into the whole myth, or I stay on the outside.’

‘It always suited you before,’ Jason practically spat. ‘You could hardly wait to ditch you own family and join mine.’

‘I’m getting out, Jason. I can get a bus home. I’d like you still to be a father to the baby. I’d like it to know its grandparents and aunts, but that’s all. We can’t get back together. I can’t … I just can’t do it …’

She opened the door before he could protest. As she walked up the road to the bus stop, hood up against the rain, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders.