All the people have left the house, an we’re the only ones left. Jackser says the house is condemned, an me ma says it’s cos of him. Jackser roars an shouts now, an there’s no one te bang up on the ceilin wit a brush or run in an bang the door an tell Jackser if he doesn’t stop roarin an fightin, they’ll knock the head off him, cos he’s drivin them mad.
We move, too. The Corporation gives us two rooms in a tenement house down in Sean McDermott Street. I sleep in the bedroom wit Charlie, an me ma an Jackser sleep in the sittin room. They said it’s warmer in the sittin room, cos the gas cooker’s in there. We have no chairs, cos Jackser broke up all the furniture when he was drunk. So everybody sits on the bed. Our bedroom is big, an we have a winda high up in the wall, so we can’t look out. If we could see out, we’d be lookin at waste ground, cos the Corpo demolished the old Georgian tenement houses tha stood there. The room is freezin cold, an the glass is broken in the winda. When I’m in me bed an I look aroun, there’s nothin te look at, cos me room is bare. An I’m lookin at the bare walls. But I don’t care. I snuggle under the hairy blanket an wrap the coats aroun me an Charlie, an I’m delighted. Jackser can’t get his hands on us. An I can peek me nose up from under the coats an look at the sky an wonder what it would be like te be a bird an shit on Jackser’s head an fly back up onta the roof an torment him until he wears himself out, screamin curses at me an threatenin te kill me. Then, when he’s tired, I’ll fly back down again an give him another good shit all over him. Yeah, I’d love tha!
* * *
Jackser let me out te play, an I dashed across the road te a gang of childre who were standin aroun a door in one of the houses opposite. They took one look at me an told me te get lost. I didn’t move, cos I hoped they’d change their minds. But instead, they all jumped on me an hit me. So I got up an ran fer the safety of me own hall. After a few minutes, I put me head out the door, an they were still there, watchin over an waitin fer me te come out again. No fear! I rushed up the stairs an in the door, an Jackser was waitin fer me. I thought he’d agree wit me, them childre was very treacherous! But instead, he gave me a box an lifted me offa the floor, roarin, ‘I saw ye! Runnin from them kids when they hit ye! Get back over there an pick out the leader. Beat the fuck outa him an the rest will leave ye alone. Now go! Remember, I’ll be watchin ye from this winda. An ye’ll have me te reckon wit if ye don’t do as I say.’
I shot out the door an down the stairs, an flew through the hall, thinkin, they’re all big young fellas, they’ll kill me. But Jackser would kill me more. If I put up a good fight, then tha’s me only chance. Jackser might not kill me then. I whipped open the front door, an, still runnin, I leapt across the road. I could see they all had their backs te me an their heads close together. They were busy lookin at somethin a young fella had in his hand. I leapt on them, bangin two of their heads together an lashin out wit me foot at the same time at the other fella, who looked up in surprise. I was all legs an arms, lashin out, the fear in me drivin me on. The young fellas were too surprised an shocked tha a squirt of a young one like me would come back at them. An before they had a chance te come te their senses, I was gone! Back te Jackser te report tha I’d carried out his orders.
Me brother Charlie is two now, an he’s walkin by himself. I’m very annoyed, though, cos me ma tells me I was only seven a coupla months ago. I’ve been tellin people I’m seven fer ages. Tha means now I have te wait years before I’m grown up te wear stockins an high heels, an have a big fat purse wit loads a money te buy all the sweets I want. An go te England te get away from Jackser.
Every mornin I have te get up an get Charlie dressed an take him out on the street. It’s still dark, an nobody is outa their beds yet. An we walk up an down the street, me holdin tight onta Charlie’s hand, an I don’t know why we do this every mornin. Me ma stays snug in her bed as we leave the room, an I wonder when we can come back. It’s dark an freezin cold out here as we walk up an down, an I’m thinkin it must be cos Jackser wants te pretend we don’t live wit him. He’s always shoutin at me ma tha he doesn’t want other men’s bastards aroun an she has te get rid of us. Ma looks at us like she’s very annoyed wit us, but she doesn’t know wha te do, so she looks away. She’s stopped botherin about us now, an if I try te talk te her like I used te, she’s not bothered. She’ll only talk te Jackser. The only time she wants te talk te me is if I bring her back money or somethin she wants.
The ma makes sure I go everywhere wit Jackser an then tell her if he was lookin at women or talkin te his friends about them, or maybe if he was seein one. I always tell her he was doin nothin. I learnt me lesson good an proper when he nearly threw Charlie over the banisters. So I’m not tellin them anythin tha will start a row. I tell them nothin about anythin, an Jackser beats inta me tha I’m never te tell anyone wha happens at home. So I don’t answer questions people ask me, like, where’d ye get the black eyes, or, wha’s them zig-zag blue marks on yer legs an arms an back? I say nothin.
This mornin I was walkin up an down the street, holdin Charlie’s hand. An it was very cold. It was beginnin te get light, an a few cars were movin up an down, an people were startin te go te work. A man came over te us an asked me te show him where someone lived in one of the houses. I ignored him an tried te walk on, but he took me arm an pulled me along the street an inta one of the houses. I was holdin tight te Charlie’s hand, an I couldn’t run away, cos Charlie could only take little steps. He brought us up the stairs an lifted up Charlie, cos we weren’t fast enough. An he hurried up the stairs, wit me still holdin tight te Charlie’s hand an rushin te keep up. Then he stopped an put Charlie down an lifted me up. I wouldn’t let go of me brother’s hand, an he was bein lifted inta the air, too. So the man lay down on the stairs an tried te put me lyin on top of him. I was afraid te do or say anythin, cos the man might get upset an hurt me, or, even worse, hurt me brother, who’s very small. He didn’t notice or care or even see me poor little brother, who was tryin te grip me from the man wit his free hand. I was bein tugged inta the air te get me te release me brother’s hand. ‘Let him go an come wit me an I’ll buy ye sweets!’ he kept sayin. But I started te cry, an me brother started te cry. An the man couldn’t get me on top of him. Then the man put his hand over me brother’s mouth te quieten him. An I panicked, cos he’d smother him. I shouted, ‘Let him go! Jackser’s comin! An ye won’t get down the stairs, cos he’ll kill ya. Gerraway from him!’ I was jumpin up an down on the stairs, screamin me lungs out in fright. An the man heard a noise comin from one of the rooms an dropped Charlie an ran off.
I picked me brother up, an he was screamin, too. An old man put his head out the door an said, ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye’s?’ I just sobbed me chest up an down an held onta me brother, an looked at him, not knowin wha te do or which way te run. The man said, ‘Get back te where ye’s came from an do yer screamin there.’ An he banged the door shut. I hurried down onta the next landin an stopped. I told Charlie we were all right, the man’s gone, but we’d better be quiet an listen te make sure he’s gone. So we sat down on the stairs, wit Charlie snuggled beside me, an we listened te the quiet. Me chest was slowly easin of the pain, an I wasn’t shakin so much now. Charlie would give a sob now an then, but otherwise everythin was quiet. An then, as we were beginnin te doze off from the peace, another thought hit me. Jackser could be lookin fer us. When it’s time fer us te go back in, he opens the winda an shouts down. I’d better hurry, an me heart began te pound again. An Charlie started te cry, cos I gave him a fright when I moved off wit him so fast.
Jackser took me down te Bachelors Walk, an we crossed over the Liffey te the toy wholesalers an bought a box of balloons an windmills an whistles. The next mornin, we were up when it was still dark, an we made our way up te the stables off Mountjoy Square an harnessed up the horse te the cart. Jackser promised te pay his friend, the owner of the horse an cart, a few bob when he makes money on the rags an the bottles we get fer givin out the toys, mostly te childre. We give the horse his oats, an when he’s fed an watered, we set off.
‘Right!’ Jackser says te me. ‘We’ll head out te Ballybough, an from there we’ll see.’ So we clipclopped outa the lane an turned right onta Mountjoy Square. I saw some of me old friends hangin aroun the square. ‘Look, Jackser! There’s childre, we might get somethin if we stop here.’
‘Not at all!’ Jackser said. ‘The only rags them beggars have is on them. We’ll keep on movin.’ So we trotted on an stopped at the traffic lights at Gardiner Street before turnin right on te Dorset Street. When we arrived at Ballybough, we clipclopped inta the narra archway an inta the flats. Jackser pulled the horse up. ‘Toys fer rags!’ he shouted, an the kids playin aroun the pram sheds came runnin over.
‘What’ve ye got, Mister? Wha will ye give us?’
‘Get blowin them balloons,’ Jackser said te me, ‘an we’ll tie them onta these sticks.’
The childre came runnin out wit old clothes an porter bottles an jam jars. I handed them the balloons. ‘No! I want the one on the stick, like he got!’ I was puffed out from blowin up balloons an tried te get them te do it themselves. They started roarin an shoutin, an tried te grab the toy box. ‘Give us tha one!’, ‘Give us the windmill!’, ‘Gimme the red balloon on a stick!’ The childre were mobbin me, an Jackser didn’t notice, he was busy admirin a man’s suit an fittin it up te himself until there was a scream from one of the doors.
‘Eh, you! Don’t move. I’m comin down!’ a woman shouted te Jackser. An she came runnin over wit a child she was draggin behind her holdin onta a windmill. ‘Tha’s me husband’s good suit!’ she roared, an she snatched it back from Jackser. ‘I had it out, ready te bring it te the pawn. An ye took it offa the child knowin its worth, ye aul toerag, ye!’
Jackser jumped off the cart an snatched the suit back from the woman. ‘How do I know tha’s yours?’ he said.
‘Right! Get up them stairs an get yer father outa the bed an tell him te get down here quick,’ she said te her child. I watched as about half a dozen childre raced off te get the father. ‘Mickey! Da! Mickey!’ they were all shoutin as they ran up the stairs.
‘Now!’ the woman said te Jackser. ‘We’ll see how ye get on when ye’re faced wit me Mickey! He’ll sort ye out quick an proper!’ She was white-faced an stood in front of Jackser wit her arms folded. Jackser was even whiter, an I was lookin forward te meetin Mickey.
But Jackser had a change of heart an handed the woman back her suit an said he was sorry fer the misunderstandin, anyone can make a mistake! Then he said, ‘There’s no need fer any more trouble!’ An he slapped the horse wit the whip an said, ‘Go on, Daisy! Get movin.’
The horse neighed an threw her head up, an Jackser gave her another crack of the whip. We took off, throwin me flat on me back inta the rags an sendin the sack of jam jars an porter bottles crashin aroun the cart. We galloped inta the bend an raced down the arch just as Mickey appeared in his bare feet an still tyin up his trousers. We came te a screechin stop before we hit the main road, an the horse was snortin wit fright. I was lookin back, an Jackser was lookin back, an we could see Mickey wavin his fists at Jackser. ‘Jaysus, tha was close!’ Jackser said, still white as a sheet.
‘Yeah!’ I said, all delighted an excited. An tryin te look sad.
‘Fuck this!’ Jackser said. ‘I’m goin up te the respectable parts, where they don’t all act like animals!’
I felt as tired as the horse looked, draggin herself down Capel Street. She was probably thinkin about her warm stables an a nice bag of oats before she rested. I’d buried meself in a mound of rags sittin in the middle of the cart, an I’d be glad when we got these sold te the aul Jew man at Henrietta Street. ‘Oh, yeah,’ Jackser was sayin. ‘I used te work fer the circus. I looked after the horses. I was wit them all – Chipperfields, Billy Smart’s, the lot. An I was good, I may tell ye! I could be doin this more often, makin a few bob. But yer mammy stops me. She doesn’t like me goin out an leavin her on her own. Wit you helpin me, I could probably do a coal round. Then we’d be on the pig’s back. We’d be flyin!’
Jackser sorted the clothes out as we waited our turn te be weighed. ‘Here! Put tha up te ye an see if it fits ye!’ I looked at the coat, an it went down te me toes. Then it was our turn. Jackser carried the clothes off the cart an threw them on the scales. Then he backed Daisy down the lane an left me holdin the reins.
I was holdin her head too close te the ground, cos I couldn’t reach up further, an she didn’t like this. She snorted an threw her head back, an nearly pulled me arms from the sockets. I was raised off the ground, but I wouldn’t let the reins go. I was afraid of me life she’d hurt me or turn aroun an bite me. ‘There, there, Daisy,’ I kept sayin te her. Then Daisy moved forward, an I pulled tight on the reins. So she decided te move backward. ‘Ah, Mammy! She’s runnin off wit me!’ I said in a quiet panic.
Jackser didn’t look down. He was too busy arguin wit the Jew man. But another horse an cart came up behind me, an the man jumped down an came over te Daisy an pulled her over te the side, sayin te me, ‘Leave her be, chicken! She’ll wait there, she’s a quiet one!’
Jackser collected his money an he whipped me offa the ground, plonkin me down beside him on the cart. ‘Right! We’re off,’ he said, snufflin an raisin his arm in the air an shovin his head down towards the ground. He roared, ‘Go on, Daisy! I’m takin ye home,’ an we hurried outa the lane. When we arrived back at Mountjoy Square, Daisy’s ears picked up, an she lifted her head an took off inta a gallop. She was delighted now she was home. I sat on the bales of hay, watchin an waitin as Jackser unharnessed Daisy from the cart an walked her inta the stables. When he had all the harness on the cart put away, an the hay was put down fer Daisy’s bed, an she was fed an watered, we locked up. Jackser jumped up on his bike an lifted me on te the crossbar. I was stiff an cold, an couldn’t wait te get home fer a hot sup of tea an bread, an maybe somethin else, cos Jackser had a few bob now.
It was dark now, an the street lamps was on. I held tight te the handlebars, feelin the cold wind whip away me breath, an I tried te keep me head down. Jackser was pedallin like mad, an he was in good form. ‘We’ll be home in no time,’ he said. ‘Yer mammy will be glad te see us.’ Then we hit Marlborough Street. ‘We’re just aroun the corner now from home,’ Jackser said. ‘I’ll just stop in here fer a minute,’ an he pulled the bike over an left it at the side of the footpath. ‘I’m only havin one, so mind me bike, an I’ll be out in a minute,’ an he disappeared inta the pub. Me mouth fell open, an me heart fell down inta me belly. Me ma’s voice came inta me head. ‘Why didn’t ye stop him?’
Jackser came reelin outa the pub at closin time. I was sittin on the footpath next te his bike, an I was frozen solid. The damp night air an the cold footpath had gone right through me bones, an me legs was blue. I only had a thin frock an a light coat on me tha was too short. I had no socks, an me shoes had no soles, only big holes. Jackser couldn’t manage the bike, he was too drunk. An the bike was too big an heavy fer me te manage it. So Jackser said, ‘Ah, fuck it!’ an he left it there.
Jackser couldn’t make it either! He staggered from the footpath an smashed inta the wall an back again out inta the middle of the road. When he made it back te the wall again, he gave up an dug out his heels an plonked himself against the wall. Then he spent ages tryin te find his Woodbines in his pocket. When he did get one inta his mouth, he couldn’t light it, cos his eyes kept crossin an the wind was blowin out the match. We were never goin te get home, an he’s probably drank all the money. Me ma will go mad! An now we’ve nothin. If only me ma would leave him! We’d be better off on the streets, I thought. I was playin wit the idea of runnin home te me ma, an leavin him. He’s so drunk, he might forget he had me wit him. I looked at him, he was spittin an great big snots was comin outa his nose. ‘I love yer mammy!’ he was sayin. ‘I love Sally, I do! I’d do anythin fer her. An ye’re a great young one, you’ll go far, any flies on you is payin rent! I took youse in when no one else wanted ye’s, so I’m not at all bad, wouldn’t ye agree wit me?’
‘Yeah, Jackser, I would!’
Then Jackser slid down the wall an went off te sleep, still mutterin. I started te cry. I was cold, tired an hungry, an I was afraid te move in case he’d wake up an find me missin.
I was sittin on the edge of the footpath, thinkin this would never end, when an aul one wit a shawl wrapped aroun her head came aroun the corner an stopped. ‘What ails ye, love? Will he not take ye home?’ An she ran at him. ‘Get up, ye drunken aul sod, an take the child home. Do ye hear me talkin te ye?’ An she gave him a kick wit her boot. Jackser stirred himself an looked up at her. But he didn’t see her, an he curled himself up inta a ball an went back te sleep.
‘Where’s yer mammy? Where do ye live? Did she send ye te find him? Ye shouldn’t be out on yer own at this time a night. Come on! I’ll take ye home.’
‘I can’t leave Jackser,’ I said. ‘He’ll not want me te go!’
‘Ye can’t stay here, daughter! Te hell wit him. The Devil takes care of his own! Come on, I’m takin ye home. Let yer poor mammy worry about him.’
I cried on the way home, worryin about wha Jackser was goin te do te me when he woke up. ‘Ye’ll be all right! Yer mammy shouldn’t be sendin a little one like you out this time a night.’
The woman left me at the hall door, an I went up the pitch-black stairs. Me heart was heavy. I hoped maybe the fire was still lightin an I’d get a sup of hot tea. I hoped she didn’t need a shillin fer the gas meter. An maybe she wouldn’t take it so bad, Jackser drinkin all the money we made.
I knocked on the door an then harder. I could hear noise inside, but she wasn’t openin the door. I tried lookin in the keyhole, but it was too dark. ‘Ma! It’s me! Open the door. Let me in, Ma. Ma, Mammy! Will ye let me in?’ I was shoutin at the top of me lungs, an then I stopped te listen. Me ma was comin.
‘Wait!’ I heard her say. An I waited. Then I heard her shufflin an pantin, an I wondered wha was wrong.
‘Open the door, Ma!’ I knew somethin was wrong.
I rattled the doorknob, an I heard her cryin, ‘Fuckin wait!’
When the door opened, me ma was holdin her big belly an sayin, ‘Where’s he?’
‘He’s not here, Ma!’
‘Where is he, fer fuck sake! Get him!’ An she collapsed against the wall, moanin. ‘Martha, get him te get an ambulance. Tell him the babby’s nearly here!’
I looked at her. ‘Wha babby, Ma? Jackser’s drunk! He’s asleep outside the pub, Ma!’
‘Ah, Jaysus Christ. The whore’s melt! Go te a phone box an get someone te ring fer an ambulance. Hurry, hurry, Martha, fer God’s sake. Then wait fer them outside, bring them up here, the door’s open.’ Then she went very white an slid down on her hunkers wit her back te the wall an gave a terrible scream. I started te cry, not wantin te leave her an wantin te get someone te help at the same time.
I came te me senses an turned, plungin meself down the stairs in the dark, holdin onta the banisters te stop meself breakin me neck. I was out the front door, down the steps an on the street runnin, headin towards the lights on O’Connell Street. There’s nobody aroun. I need a phone box. No! Don’t stop te ask fer help. Wastin time. Have te get a phone box. Me chest is crushin me. A man passes by me, but I don’t stop. I need the phone box! I round the corner onta O’Connell Street, an I see a man comin outa the Gresham Hotel. ‘Mister! Mister! Call an ambulance fer me mammy. She’s lyin on the floor very sick, an she says the babby’s comin. She’s all on her own! Will ye help me, Mister? Will ye get the ambulance?’
He stared at me fer a moment, his jaw hangin open. ‘Right! Come with me! Where do you live?’ An he rushed back te the hotel door an called, ‘Paddy! Quickly! Call an ambulance. It appears a woman is about to deliver a baby.’
Paddy, who was the porter, was on the phone. ‘What’s the address?’ he asked me, an I gave it te him. ‘Right! It’s on the way,’ Paddy said.
‘Thanks very much, Mister!’ An I dashed off, tryin te race back te me ma as hard as I could. I wanted te see her again. Prayin she was all right. What ails her? As I neared home, the ambulance flew past me, bells ringin, an then slowed down, lookin fer the number of the house. It stopped at the house before mine, an a man jumped out te look at the numbers. He waved his arm at the driver, an they stopped outside my house. The driver jumped out, an they opened the ambulance doors an took out the stretcher an the red blankets.
Just then, Jackser staggered aroun the corner an stopped, holdin on te the railins. Me heart gave an awful jump, an I stopped dead in me tracks, ready te run in the other direction. But instead I ran on te help the ambulance men find the room up the stairs an help me mammy.
‘She’s up here, Mister! I’ll show ye’s.’ An I shot past Jackser, tryin te make his way up the steps.
‘Ah, it’s fuckin you, ye sleevin, ye! Wait till I get me hands on ye! I’ll teach ye te go runnin off like tha.’
I said te the ambulance men, ‘Hurry! Me ma’s on her own.’ An they followed me up the stairs, shinin a big torch. Jackser was still in the hall, roarin an shoutin somethin, but we ignored him.
When we got te me ma, the door was open, an me ma was on her knees, pantin very fast. ‘It’s here! Fer the love of Jaysus help me!’ The ambulance men pushed me outa the way an told me te go back downstairs. I could see Charlie standin in the doorway of our bedroom. He only had his vest on, an he was cryin. But they wouldn’t let me inta the room te get Charlie. So I sat on the landin fer a minute an then thought I’d be better down at the ambulance. Tha’s wha the man told me te do.
I was just about te move when I heard Jackser comin up the stairs. ‘Sally! It’s me,’ he was sayin. ‘Open the door te throw out a bit of light. I’m breakin me fuckin neck here.’
Me heart was leapin wit fright! I turned aroun an crept back onta the landin an went onta the next landin at the top of the house. An I sat down, keepin very quiet, not makin a sound. I could look over the banisters an see down when they opened the door. Then I’d know wha te do. But right now I’m not goin te let Jackser get his hands on me.
He was bangin an hammerin on the door, impatient te be let in. ‘Who’re you?’ I heard him roar. The man muttered somethin, an I heard Jackser say, ‘Oh! I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Are ye all right, Sally? Poor Sally. Ah, ye’ll be grand, Sally! These gentlemen will look after ye.’ Then I heard me ma give an almighty scream, an me heart stopped. I wanted te run down, but they’d kill me. I started te cry again. Not knowin wha’s goin on. She must be dyin! I stopped cryin te think. If me ma dies, I’ll wait till Jackser goes out, then I’ll take me brother an I’ll go over te the Liberties. I’ll find someone te take us in. Now tha me mind was made up, I was at peace. I wasn’t afraid any more of Jackser.
I must have dozed off on the landin, cos I heard Jackser callin me. I was afraid, but then I remembered, I’m not stayin wit him. So I came down, an Jackser said te me, ‘Yer mammy’s gone te hospital. I’m goin te leave now an walk up there. I have te go te James’s Street, St Kevin’s Hospital, tha’s where they’ve taken her. You get in an mind the other fella, an don’t move outa this room until I get back.’ An he pushed me in the door an slammed it shut behind me. I went inta the other room, an Charlie was fast asleep in bed. I stepped outa me shoes, threw off me coat an fell inta the bed beside me brother. I was out like a light, sleepin the sleep of the dead.
Charlie was cryin an slappin at me te wake up. I shot up in the bed. I looked at him an then all round me. Quiet! I could hear only the quiet. I whispered out, ‘Mammy?’ an listened. No! It wasn’t a dream after all. Me mammy is really gone. Charlie started cryin again. He wanted somethin te eat. I went inta the sittin room an looked aroun the sink. No! The bread is all gone. We’ve nothin te eat. There’s a small sup of milk in the end of the bottle, but Jackser might want tha fer his tea. Better not touch it.
‘There’s no bread, Charlie. I’ll get ye somethin te eat in a minute, when me ma gets back.’ I tried te lift him then te give him a kiss, but he slapped me away an then started te tear his hands through his hair an cry louder. ‘Oh, look! There’s a bird in the sky!’ An he stopped cryin te look up towards the winda. But when he saw no bird, he was really ragin an started te cry even louder. The winda was too high fer me te get a look out, an we’d no chairs, so there was nothin te stand on.
‘Come on, Charlie! I’ll put yer trousers on,’ an he followed me inta the bedroom, still whingin. ‘Ah! They’re all wet, an there’s nothin else! I’ll spread them on the floor till they dry. Come on! We’ll go te the sittin room.’ He followed me in, still cryin. I couldn’t think of anythin else te do. So I sat him up on the bed an sat down beside him. He was cryin an scratchin his head, an lookin aroun him fer me mammy. There was nothin I could do. I looked over at the gas cooker. I wouldn’t be able te work tha. Ye need matches when the fire’s not lightin. An anyway, we’d be blown up. It wasn’t worth it fer the sake of a cup a tea. Then I thought of Jackser’s milk. Maybe he won’t know there was any in the bottle! I jumped up, givin Charlie a fright. ‘It’s all right! Ye’re all right. Look what I have fer ye!’ An I put the drop of milk inta a jam jar an gave it te him. The cups were all smashed. Jackser does tha when he’s drunk. He smashes up everythin. I took the jam jar from Charlie, an he screamed. He wanted me te get him more. ‘All gone!’ I said, holdin me arms out wide. I put the jar in the sink an climbed back on the bed. Charlie was quiet now, an I took his head an put him on me lap an stroked his hair. I was afraid te think of anythin. The worst could happen now if me ma is gone! So me mind just went blank.