I told me ma the sores was back in me head, an she had a look. ‘Tha’s from pickin up dirty hair clips from the ground an puttin them in yer hair!’ she roared.
‘No, Ma! I didn’t, it’s not! They just came back by themselves.’
She just looked at me an started chewin her lip, an then turned away from me. It got worse an started te spread all over me head. So I told her again. ‘Ah, leave me alone,’ she said. ‘I warned ye not te be puttin other people’s clips in yer hair.’
‘Nobody gives me clips, Ma, it just happened!’
Jackser heard us an roared over, ‘Wha’s goin on? Wha’s tha young one up te now?’
An me ma said, hopin te get me inta trouble, ‘She has her head full of sores from pickin up dirty clips! An now she’s complainin te me! What am I supposed te do?’
I looked over at Jackser. I was expectin him te run at me an give me a dig. But instead, Jackser roared at me ma an said, ‘Well! Get up off yer arse, Mrs, an bring the child te the doctor! She’s ye’re young one, an she needs te be seen! Now, get movin, ye’ll catch the dispensary doctor if ye go now!’ An then he pointed te Charlie, ‘An take him wit ye! He’s very chesty. Tell tha doctor te give ye somethin te build him up.’
Charlie laughed an rushed aroun lookin fer his shoes an coat. An I got him ready while me ma dragged herself up from the chair, givin out te herself cos no one was listenin, an Jackser told her te shift herself, cos the doctor wouldn’t wait fer her.
We sat in the dispensary, waitin our turn te see the doctor. An me an Charlie climbed on the back of the benches, chasin each other, while me ma had a great time, complainin te aul ones sittin beside her about how hard it was te rear childre. An men were no good, an if she had her time over again, she’d have no childre. An have nothin te do wit men, cos they were all a curse. An childre would break yer heart! People sat an smoked, an coughed an wheezed, an thumped their chests, an said they were done fer this world. They said the doctor was no good. He didn’t know his arse from his elbow, tha ye’d know more yerself! An tha he didn’t even look at ye, never mind give ye a chance te say what ails ye! An then an aul man asked the lot of us, ‘What did I fight fer in the First World War? Who gives a care?’ Everyone shook their heads in agreement an murmured, ‘True fer ye! The poor will always be downtrodden an them rich get richer on our backs.’ An then there was a roar, ‘Who’s bloody well next? The doctor’s waitin in there!’ Me ma jumped up, laughin an wipin the corner of her eye – she always does tha when she feels foolish – an me an Charlie clattered off the benches an charged inta the doctor’s room. An waited fer me mammy te tell him.
The doctor ordered ointment fer me head, an me ma’s te bring me back if it doesn’t work. Then he looked over his glasses at Charlie an said he was malnourished fer a two-an-a-half year old, an I was, too. An he asked me ma wha she was feedin us. Me ma chewed her lip fer ages an coughed, tryin te think of the right answer, an then she said, ‘Eh, the usual – potatoes an things like tha.’ An I looked at her, very annoyed at her fer tellin lies. The only potatoes I saw was sittin on Jackser’s plate!
The doctor, who had been starin at her from over his glasses an waitin patiently fer her answer, sniffed an said, ‘Indeed,’ an ordered Radio Emulsion an malt te be given te us after our meals, three times daily. The emulsion was yella, an I couldn’t stomach it. An the malt looked like toffee. Me ma dug in the spoon an wrapped the gooey malt aroun it, but I wouldn’t open me mouth, an Charlie ended up gettin the lot fer himself. He loved it! We picked up a box of DDT te get rid of the fleas – tha’s wha the doctor calls them, we call them hoppers! Anyway, I covered meself an Charlie in the white powder an shook it all over the bed, hopin we’d get a good night’s sleep fer once without bein eaten alive wit the hoppers.
Me ma kept puttin the ointment on me head, but it doesn’t work. The sores are coverin me whole head, an me ma cut me hair off. But it’s no good. Jackser said I’m not te go outside the door in tha state, cos I’d make a show of them. So now I’m stuck in, at the mercy of him an her. Me ma has te go fer the messages herself, an she’s ragin. She keeps givin out over me gettin meself a scabby head, an he keeps tellin her if she doesn’t stop her naggin, he’ll do time fer her. I pretend te be busy, rushin up an down the room doin nothin. They say te me, give me this, get me tha – slap! wallop! Not tha, ye fuckin eejit, an then Jackser roared at me ma again, ‘Get tha young one back te the doctor, Mrs.’ Cos me head was bleedin an oozin yella pus, an I was scratchin an cryin, cos the lice was eatin me head alive. The doctor shook his head an jumped back. ‘Take this child to St Kevin’s Hospital today. They will admit her,’ an he wrote out a note an gave it te me ma.
We walked up te St Kevin’s Hospital in James’s Street. It used te be fer paupers an was called the Union. People went in there te die. I don’t suppose people die there any more, cos they changed the name. I said tha te me ma as we walked up. But she wasn’t listenin, an she just shouted, ‘Ah, don’t be annoyin me. I’ve more things on me mind!’
When we got te the hospital, we passed in the gate, leavin behind the porter’s lodge gate. We walked along windy paths, wit big buildins on our left an a huge high old wall on our right. We walked aroun this big wall fer miles. All the buildins were different hospital wards fer different diseases. Me ma knew her way aroun.
‘Wha’s tha buildin over there fer, Ma?’ I asked her, pointin.
‘Tha’s the dead house!’
‘Yeah! I knew I could smell death,’ I whispered te her.
‘Ah, shut up outa tha!’ me ma roared.
‘OK, Ma,’ I said. I forgot she hates anythin te do wit death.
Me ma was upset, an I knew she was wonderin how she’d manage without me, but I was upset meself. I wasn’t happy te be left in a place not knowin wha they were goin te do te me. An I’d miss me ma an me brother an the babby, who was always waitin fer me te tickle him, an he’d roar laughin an dribble all over me when I stuck me chin in his mouth an managed not te let him bite me wit his two teeth. I was glad when me ma finally headed inta a buildin an said, ‘We’re here.’ Me legs were painin me, an I was tired. Me ma left me wit the sister in charge of the ward an said, ‘Right, Martha! I’d better go, he’ll be waitin an wonderin where I am.’ An then she left.
The sister took me down te the bathroom an stripped me clothes off. Then she put a box on the chair an got me te climb up an kneel on it. Then she turned on the hot tap an filled the sink an put me head inta it. I was screamin an she was puttin stuff on me head, an tryin te pull the loose scabs an soften the sores, an clean the oozin stuff out. An then she gently put a towel on me head an had me stand down. Then she got a little scissors an started te cut away the hair still stuck te me head. I was cryin, cos it was hurtin me, an the sister said, ‘I know, pet. Your head is walkin with lice, and I have to clean your scabs out. This is a dreadful mess. But if you bear with me, it will be over soon.’ It took an awful long time, washin an cleanin wit swabs, an cuttin an dabbin. Me head was screamin in agony, an I was so tired.
When it was finally over, the sister bandaged me head. An I couldn’t see me head any more, it was completely covered in white bandages. I had nothin te wear fer bed, an the sister said she had nothin, but she finally found me a shift tha was miles too small fer me, an it barely covered me arse. I think it must have belonged te a babby! I had no slippers, so the sister put me shoes back on me an threw me clothes inta the bin fer burnin. Me shoes were miles too big fer me, an the sister threw out the rags I used te stuff them. ‘Right, pet! Come along, and I’ll get you into a nice warm bed.’ She took me hand, an I dug in me toes te hang on te me shoes, an I clattered along wit her. I was lookin forward now te seein me bed. I could dive under the blankets an hide, an no one would get me, cos I was still afraid in this strange place.
We went inta a little ward wit a big winda on the right an only two beds. One bed te the right, behind the door, an another bed on the opposite wall down under the winda. The winda was much too high fer me te see out. There was a grown-up girl wit red hair in the other bed, an her skin was completely yella. There was another door leadin inta a very big ward, an it was filled wit women. The sister put me inta the bed behind the door an tucked me under the lovely white sheets. An I had te adjust me bandaged head on the lovely white pillas, tryin te find a spot tha didn’t hurt me. An then I was out like a light.
The next night, I woke up an it was the middle of the night, an me head was so itchy it was killin me. I was tearin an tearin, but I couldn’t stop the itch, an eventually I managed te lift the bandage in one piece off me head – it looked like a turban. The inside was crawlin wit lice, an pus, an scabs, an blood. An I had a good scratch on me head an put the turban back on, so the sister wouldn’t know, an went back te sleep.
This mornin, the nurse, her name is Philomena, changed me bandages. She got the scissors an started cuttin the old ones away. I didn’t tell her all she had te do was lift it off me head. I’m wonderin now if this new one will be easy te lift off when I need te scratch. When she was finished, she said I could pretend I was Napoleon wit me war wound. Then she took me hand, an said, ‘Come on, Napoleon, I’m taking you for your bath.’
I pulled me hand back an said, ‘Ah, no, Nurse! I only just had me bath.’
An she said, ‘That was yesterday! This is today and now you need to be fresh.’
I said, ‘Ah, Nurse! I’m fresh enough. You’ll give me a cold if ye wash me too often, tha’s wha me ma says.’
‘OK,’ the nurse says. ‘We’ll only dip your toes in. We don’t want you catchin cold now, do we?’
‘Right so,’ I said, an I took her hand. We were walkin down the corridor, an me shoes was makin a slappin noise on the floor. They kept fallin off me, an Philomena said, ‘I’ll try to find you some socks.’ An these two porters were pullin a trolley along, an they stopped te let us pass. ‘Mornin, Nurse. Howa ye, titch?’ they said te me. I asked the nurse wha tha means, an she said it means tiny. I pulled back on the nurse’s hand an stopped. I opened me mouth te roar somethin back, an then I said, after thinkin about it fer a minute, cos I was ragin, ‘Youse are not worth the milk yer mothers fed ye’s! Don’t youse call me titch. I’m big! I’m nearly eight, so I am!’ An I turned back an walked on wit the nurse. She was screamin laughin an crossin her legs. An them porters thought it was a joke, too! But I wasn’t laughin. The cheek! I’m gettin bigger all the time!
The red-haired one I’m sharin the room wit is called Kathleen. She doesn’t talk much, she’s very quiet. Kathleen is fifteen years old, she’s grown up. But there’s no one else. The rest of the patients is aul ones, an most of them is very cranky. I’m the only child here. I asked Kathleen how she got her skin all yella, an she said it was jaundice. Whatever tha is! ‘Ye must have been eatin too many oranges,’ I told her. ‘Ye should stay away from them oranges.’ She’s always eatin them. But she won’t listen te me!
I was sittin on me bed, examinin me toes an remarkin te Kathleen how clean they were, but she wasn’t listenin. She was readin a book an dippin her hand inta the bag of sweets she had hidden under her sheets. I felt like sayin, give us one! But I knew she wouldn’t, an I wasn’t goin te make a show of meself! I got fed up when I’d nothin left te look at, so I wandered over te Kathleen an climbed on te her bed. ‘Ah, get offa me bed!’ she said. ‘Ye’ll crease it.’
‘Ah, I won’t. I’ll be good. Read us a story, an if ye give us one of yer sweets, I’ll get yer messages fer ye! OK?’ an I looked at her, cos she put her face back inta the book.
‘No! Now get offa me bed or I’ll shout fer the nurse,’ an she hooshed me off. ‘Go on!’ she said. ‘Scram!’
So I jumped off the bed before she landed me on the floor. ‘Will ye not even give us a sweet?’
‘No!’ she said.
‘Not even one?’ I said.
‘If ye don’t leave me alone, I’m warnin ye, I’ll call the nurse, an ye’ll be in big trouble!’
‘Ye know wha yer trouble is?’ I said.
‘No, but you’ll tell me, right? Ye cheeky little monkey!’
‘Yer so mean ye’d shoot yer mammy just te go on the orphans’ outin! An ye can do yer own messages in future, cos I’m not talkin te ye no more!’
An I went off, leavin her sittin wit her mouth hangin open. ‘Wait till I get you,’ she roared after me when I was out the door.
I was ramblin down the passage when I saw Nurse Philomena an another nurse pullin a trolley wit loads a sheets an things. They pulled the trolley inta a ward, an I followed them in. They were strippin a bed an laughin an talkin te each other. An Philomena said te me, ‘How are ye, Napoleon?’
I said, ‘Did ye get me socks yet, Nurse?’
‘No, darling. I haven’t had the time yet. I’ll look later.’
‘OK,’ I said, an watched them makin the beds. ‘Where do ye’s come from?’ I asked after a while.
‘I’m from Tipperary,’ Philomena said, ‘an Teresa here is from Mayo.’
‘Is tha far?’ I asked.
‘Oh, it’s very far,’ they said, laughin. Then Philomena asked Teresa, ‘Did you go home Saturday?’
‘I did,’ Teresa said. ‘I got a lift down with Mickey Doon. In his new motor car.’
‘Go on!’ Philomena said. ‘And is anything stirring there?’
‘Divil a bit!’ said Teresa. ‘He’s waiting fer the old man to croak, and then it will be only forty acres. I’m not bothered, I’m hitting the bright lights of London when my time is up here.’
‘It will be great for us, I can’t wait,’ Philomena said.
‘So where did you head off to on Saturday?’ Teresa asked.
‘Oh, God, wait till I tell you!’ Philomena said. ‘I went to the National Ballroom. It was great crack, there was a big crowd of us. And I met this fella. He was a fine thing, I thought!’ an she was laughin her head off.
Teresa held on te the sheet an said, ‘Go on, tell us! I’m dying to hear.’
‘Well,’ Philomena said. ‘He asked me the usual things, like, you know, do you come here often, and I said the usual, only when there’s a dance on. And then he asked me what I was doin, an I told him I was a nurse here. So then I asked him wha he was doin, and he said he was in the uniform. And I nodded my head, cos I knew he meant he was a guard. And I asked him where he was stationed, and he said, Head Office. So I knew he meant the Phoenix Park, and he must be guarding President de Valera or something important like that. Then we went for a refreshment, and he bought me a lemonade, you know how hot it gets!’
‘I do. Go on! Go on!’ Teresa said, all eyes an mouth.
‘So anyways,’ Philomena went on. ‘We danced some more, and I was beginning to think he was great altogether, and he told me he was from Roscommon. And when the band played the national anthem and he asked me if I wanted a lift, I said yes. And I rushed off to get my coat. I told the girls I was getting a lift home in a motor car with a fine thing who was a detective from the Aras an Uachtaran. And I would tell them everything when I saw them on Monday. Then I hurried out to meet your man outside the ballroom, and he was waiting. He had on a lovely Crombie coat, and he says to me, “Are ye right, so?”
‘“I am,” I says. “Where’s the motor car?” And he says, “What motor car? I have me bicycle! Where did you get tha idea from?” And I looked down, and it was then I saw the bicycle clips clamped around his ankles, and I said, “I thought you were a detective?” “No! Where are ye getting yer ideas from? I’m a postman, in the GPO!”’
Teresa screamed laughin, an Philomena said, ‘I told him I had to go to the toilet, and I rushed back inside to find my friends.’
‘Oh, Philly! You’re a scream!’ Teresa said, an they both fell on the bed laughin themselves sick. I didn’t understand wha they were talkin about, but I laughed anyway an jumped on te the bed. An they gave me a great spin inta the air wit the sheet.
I wandered inta the big ward, an an old woman waved over at me. ‘Are ye OK?’ I asked her.
Another woman shouted from her bed, ‘Ida, will ye see if Granny wants somethin!’
I clattered over te see wha the granny was callin me fer, an Ida got outa her bed an dragged herself over in her slippers. ‘Lyin in tha bed’d kill ye!’ Ida said te the ward.
Granny took me arm an pointed te her locker, mumblin somethin. I kept sayin, ‘Wha? Wha? I don’t know wha ye’re sayin!’ an Granny shook herself in annoyance.
Then Ida came an pushed me outa the way. ‘What is it, Granny? Do ye want the nurse? Here, put yer teeth in,’ an she took a tumbler from the top of the locker an took out the teeth an put them in Granny’s mouth. ‘Now, tha’s better! What ails ye, Granny?’
Granny shouted, ‘I want the bloody bedpan, me bladder is burstin here fer the last hour.’ An she grabbed me, ‘Here, run, child, an tell the nurse te bring it quick.’ I clattered off quick, makin an awful noise on the floorboards, an I woke up some of the patients who were dozin.
‘Jaysus Christ Almighty, tha young one will be the death a me in them bloody shoes.’
‘The heart went crossways in me, too,’ another aul one agreed, but I was gone, smackin me way down the passage as hard as I could, enjoyin the lovely big noise, lookin fer the nurse.
The sister put her head outa the office an looked down her nose at me from the top of her glasses. ‘Walk, child! What on earth are you makin such a racket for?’
‘Sister! Sister! Granny is pissin the bed. Hurry, quick, bring the bedpan.’
‘All right! Calm down, it won’t be the end of the world if she does. Now, back to your ward quietly, and climb into your bed.’
I looked at her, wonderin about the bedpan. ‘Go on!’ she said, an she turned me aroun an tapped me arse. ‘Into bed now! You’ll catch cold.’
‘All right, Sister!’ an I dragged meself back te the ward. Ah, tha’s a pity she caught me. Now I’ll have te stay in me bed.
I must have dozed off, cos I shot up in the bed when I heard the tea trolley. The two women pushed the trolley over te me an gave me a big plate an whipped off the cover. Me mouth was waterin when I clapped eyes on the sausages an fried egg. ‘How many slices of bread do ye want, chicken?’
‘Eh, gimme six,’ I said, an Sadie laughed.
‘There won’t be any left fer anybody else! Here’s three. I’ll bring ye back more if there’s any left. OK, me little fairy? Ah, ye’re lovely. I’ll bring you home wit me one of these days. Did yer mammy come up te see ye yet?’
‘No, Sadie, not yet.’
‘Ah, she will. She’s missin ye! She has a load of other childre te keep her hands full. Don’t worry, we’ll mind ye! Now, I’d better get movin. I’ll be drawn an quartered if this grub gets any colder.’
I was lickin the empty plate before Sadie was halfway up the ward. An stuffin the last of the lovely thick sliced bread wit good butter down me belly. An lookin over at Kathleen, te see if she had anythin left on her plate she didn’t want! She was takin her time eatin it, so I said, ‘Do ye want yer sausage, Kathleen?’
‘Yeah!’ she said.
‘Are ye able te eat all tha bread?’ I asked her.
‘What bread? I only got two! The size of you, an she always gives ye more. She wouldn’t give it te me!’
I said nothin. I had another look at me plate te see if it was really clean, an then I sat back te wait fer Sadie. I heard her comin, an she was laughin back at the people in the ward an shoutin, ‘Yeah, but it would have te be a dark night!’ Then she came hurryin over te me an took me plate, an gave me another one after takin off the cover. ‘Here, me little lamb chop! Get tha down ye. One of the missuses didn’t want theirs. Their loss is your gain.’
I took one look at the sausages an fried egg, an it was already down me neck when Sadie loaded me plate wit more bread an gave me another sup of hot tea. ‘By God! I wish me childre would eat like tha. I’m always wastin food, an it’s a terrible sin. I hate waste, I do. There’s so much waste in the world!’ Sadie took the plate back before I had a chance te lick it. ‘Do ye know wha you’ll do when ye’re a big girl?’ Sadie said te me.
‘No, Sadie! Wha?’ I asked.
‘Well, ye should apply te tha new Queen in England an tell her ye want te be her food taster, in case anyone is tryin te poison her! Then you’ll have a grand an important job an be eatin lovely food all the time. Wouldn’t tha be lovely?’
‘Yeah, Sadie! I’ll do tha, tha’s a great idea.’
I asked Kathleen if the Queen might like a child food taster, cos it wouldn’t be long now till I was eight. An Kathleen threw back her head an laughed at me. ‘There’s no such thing. They’d arrest ye before ye even got near the Queen! Sadie was only havin ye on!’
I looked at her an said, ‘Sadie knows more than you! You don’t know anythin. I’m not botherin about ye any more,’ an I walked off in te the next ward.
I went over te Granny te see if she wanted the bedpan or anythin else. ‘Open tha locker an take out the big bag. Now, take out the other one, it has fruit an stuff in it.’ I gave the bags te Granny, an she patted the side of her bed an said, ‘Sit up here beside me an we’ll do a bit of knittin. An here, help yerself. They’re bringin me up this stuff, an I can’t eat half of it.’
I stuck me nose in the bag an pulled out oranges an apples, an a bag of bull’s eyes. ‘Here! Gimme tha orange, an I’ll peel it fer ye.’
‘Ah, no, Granny! I’m not eatin tha. I don’t want te look like tha Kathleen one an have me skin all yella!’
Granny looked at me an then laughed, ‘Not at all, child. Ye have te eat fruit, or ye’ll get scurvy.’ An she peeled the orange an gave it te me in pieces. I sat on the bed an sucked me orange, an made Granny suck some, too. It was lovely an juicy.
‘I enjoyed tha,’ Granny said, handin me the towel te wipe me hands. Then I sucked a bull’s eye an handed one te Granny. ‘No, I’m all right,’ she said, an took out her knittin. ‘Here! Roll this inta a ball,’ an she handed me the end of her knittin, which was all tangled up. I found the end of it an held on, goin in an outa the tangles.
‘What are ye knittin, Granny?’
‘I’m knittin a jumper fer me granddaughter. It’s an Arran, an the wool is very thick, so it takes a bit longer. But it should be ready by Christmas.’
‘How old is she, Granny?’
‘Eh, let me see. I do lose track, tryin te keep up wit the lot of them. Do ye know, by God, she must be nearly eighteen now! It was no time ago when she was little like you. Ah, yes, time flies, daughter! Don’t hurry it, it will come te ye soon enough. Here, have another bull’s eye!’ Then the sister marched inta the ward. ‘Quick!’ Granny said. ‘Don’t let her see ye up on the bed, or we’ll all be sent te the salt mines!’
Sister started rushin aroun, fixin the beds an tuckin people’s arms under the bedclothes. An everyone went quiet. Granny pushed the bag of bull’s eyes inta me hands an whispered, ‘Quick, don’t let her catch ye. Get back te yer bed!’
I took me shoes in me hand an rushed past Sister, liftin me legs high in the air so she wouldn’t see me. She was too busy anyway, givin out te an aul one fer bein very untidy an throwin her stuff aroun the bed. When I got back te me bed, I leapt in, takin me sweets wit me, an I asked Kathleen if she wanted a bull’s eye! She looked over an thought about it. I was hopin she’d say yes, but she didn’t. ‘No! I won’t bother,’ she said, so I couldn’t tell her she wasn’t gettin one. Instead, I opened the bag an put one in me mouth, an sucked away, makin big sucky noises, an drove her mad!
Sunday was visitin day, an the wards was crowded wit people. Ye couldn’t see in the wards wit the amount of smoke. Everyone had a cigarette. The nurses locked the tilets so tha the visitors couldn’t use them. I was out on the passage wit me legs crossed, dyin te go te the tilet. I was draggin meself up an down lookin fer a nurse, but I couldn’t find one. Me eyes was waterin, an I didn’t know wha te do. I kept lookin up an down the passage, an I couldn’t move any more. The pooley was streamin down me legs. I was cryin me eyes out, an me legs was twisted tryin te hold it. Me shoes was soppin wet, an there was a big pool aroun me feet. When the nurse finally came down the passage, swingin her big bell an tellin the visitors their time was up, she came up te me an took the big bunch of keys from her belt an opened the tilet. I swung me way in, feelin very ashamed of meself. When I did finally sit on the tilet, I thought I’d never want te get up again. I gave meself a huge big sigh an emptied me shoes down the tilet. The smell of meself reminded me of me bed at home, an I got a jerk in me chest from the fright.
The sores from me head was nearly gone, an me hair was beginnin te grow back. I didn’t have lice any more, an me skin was lovely an soft. But me legs was still purply lookin, an I still had the zig-zag marks across me legs from where Jackser used te hit me wit the buckle of his leather belt. I don’t think about him any more, an I don’t even miss me ma, cos I got used te not seein her since I came inta the hospital. I was jumpin up an down on me bed, havin a great time, bouncin on the mattress, an Kathleen said suddenly, ‘Look, there’s gypsies lookin in at ye, an they’re laughin!’
‘How can they see in here?’ I asked her.
‘Cos we’re on the ground floor.’
‘Where are they?’ I said. ‘I can’t see them!’ I didn’t believe her, cos I couldn’t see anyone. So I sat back down, an I was wonderin about this when a few minutes later me ma appeared in the door.
‘How are ye, Martha?’ she said. ‘Ye look lovely.’ An she was laughin.
I got a shock, an I didn’t know wha te think. So I just stared at her. ‘Ma, did ye see any gypsies outside lookin in the winda at me?’
‘No, but we saw ye, an he was laughin at ye jumpin on the mattress. He said if the nurse catches ye, she’ll kill ye!’ An then she got a good look at me head an said it was nearly cured, an I’d be able te come home soon. I didn’t like the sound of tha, an I just looked at her.
‘When will tha be, Ma?’ I asked her.
‘Soon! It shouldn’t be too long now. I’ll have te get ye somethin te wear. I’ll get ye a lovely coat an frock, an a nice pair of shoes. Where’s yer old shoes?’ me ma asked.
‘The nurse threw them out. I have nice woolly socks instead, lookit!’ I said, shovin me feet inta her face te make sure she got a good look at them.
‘Right!’ she said, chewin her lip. ‘I’d better go. He’s outside, waitin wit the pram. He told me not te be long.’ Then she waved at me an stopped te look, an went off like she didn’t really want te go.
When she was gone, I got all excited an said te Kathleen, ‘Tha was me mammy! She came te see me! Did ya know tha, Kathleen? Did ya! Wasn’t it great?’ Kathleen was very quiet, an I sat back te think about me mammy. She was here! I couldn’t believe it. An she was happy, cos I was nearly cured. An I’m lookin grand.
Kathleen got loads a sweets an lemonade an fruit an even a new pair of slippers from her visitors last Sunday. She was sittin on the bed sortin them out. An I couldn’t believe all the stuff she had. I was hopin she’d give me somethin, but she didn’t. She had a big bar a Cadbury’s chocolate an a small thruppeny one. I asked her fer a bit, an she said no! But she did peel an orange, an I got a bit of tha. But I’m not mad about oranges. I wouldn’t class them as sweets. I really wanted a bit of her chocolate. So when she went out te the bathroom te do herself up, I leapt outa me bed an decided te hide her sweets. But when I saw the chocolate, I couldn’t help meself. I put all her sweets back where I found them an took off wit the big bar of chocolate.
I rushed in te Granny. I thought I’d be safer there. ‘I’m not busy, Granny! Can I stay wit you?’ I said.
‘Course ye can, beauty. Come on, sit up here,’ an Granny patted the side of her bed fer me te jump up. ‘Wha’s tha ye have?’ Granny said, lookin at me chocolate.
‘Do ye want a bit?’ An I broke off a little bit an gave it te Granny. I sat there watchin Granny’s mouth suckin on the chocolate, an I did the same. Suckin slowly, not bitin, te make it last. ‘Tha’s lovely! Where’d ye get tha?’ Granny asked.
‘Eh, Kathleen!’
‘God, isn’t she very good! She must really like ye!’
I had two bits left when I heard Kathleen roarin me name. I got such a shock I stuffed them in me mouth an threw meself offa the bed an hid under it. I shut me eyes tight an chewed like mad, not enjoyin the chocolate any more. I could hear Kathleen givin out, an when I opened me eyes, I was lookin at her new pink fluffy slippers. Then she ducked down an pulled me by the leg from under Granny’s bed. ‘Give it te me! Where is it? Where’s me chocolate? What else did ye take?’
‘Hold on, what ails ye? Don’t be frightenin the child!’ Granny said te Kathleen.
‘She robbed me chocoate! I didn’t even barely get a chance te look at it, never mind eat it!’ Kathleen roared.
Then the nurse came inta the ward an said, ‘What’s happening?’
An Granny said, ‘Ah, it’s only Kathleen gettin excited about nothin. Go on wit the nurse, Kathleen, ye need a bit of rest.
‘Come over te me, you,’ an she put out her arms an I sat meself up beside her, an she buried me head in her chest an stroked me head an said, ‘Tha was a very bold thing ye did. Deprivin poor Kathleen of her chocolate. But ye’re a good girl, an ye didn’t mean her no harm, did ye?’
‘No, Granny!’ I said, lookin up inta her face. An I started te cry, cos I was sorry I had robbed poor Kathleen’s chocolate.
Granny took the corner of her washcloth an made me blow me nose. An she wiped me eyes, an then she said, ‘Right! Let’s cheer ourselves up! Get me tha bag in the locker,’ an I jumped down an gave it te her. She took out a bag of mixed luxury biscuits, an I got a pink an white fluffy one wit jam in the middle, an a lovely Kimberley one. An Granny put two aside fer her cup of tea at eleven.
This mornin, the nurse told me not te leave me bed, cos me mammy was comin te take me home. I’m waitin now, all day. An she’s still not here. I’m dyin te see me new clothes. I wonder wha the coat will be like, an me new frock an shoes! I’m afraid te think of anythin else, an I’m feelin a bit sick at the thought of goin home. I keep feelin me head, an I have a few sores still. But me head feels lovely an clean, an me hair is startin te grow back. The porter said I look like a little hedgehog, but I’ll have lovely hair when it grows back. I was just beginnin te think I might be able te stay when me ma suddenly appeared in the door.
‘Come on! Hurry up,’ she said. ‘I’m late,’ an she whipped me nightie off. ‘Here, put this on!’ an she put a summer frock over me head. It was lighter than me nightdress. Then she put a pair of sandals on me feet, an I stood up. ‘Here, put yer arm out,’ an she put a rubber raincoat on me. It was all cold an damp, an I was cold in it.
‘I don’t like this coat, Ma. Where’s me new coat?’
‘Tha’s all I could get!’ me ma said, an she was in very bad humour. ‘I’ve no knickers or vest fer ye. An I couldn’t get ye a hat or a pair of socks, but ye can wear me head scarf. It will keep yer head warm.’
I walked out the door wit me ma, an I didn’t say goodbye te anyone. I knew now I didn’t belong here any more, an no one would have anythin te say te me, cos I wasn’t one of them. I take a size nine in a shoe, me ma says, an these sandals were a size one. So they were too big fer me. An they kept slippin off me feet. By the time we got outa the hospital grounds an walked down James’s Street an onta Thomas Street, I was shiverin wit the cold. It was tea time, an everyone was rushin home from work te get outa the dark rainin night. The shops had their Christmas decorations up, an the windas were blinkin on an off wit the fairy lights. I couldn’t keep up wit me ma’s rushin. An she was tryin te pull me along by the hand. ‘No, Ma! The sandals are cuttin me feet. I can’t walk in these.’ We both looked down at me feet. The sandals was miles too big fer me, an me feet was already raw an wet. ‘Can we not take the bus!’ I asked her.
‘No! I haven’t got the fare. We’ll just have te walk. Right! Give me them fuckin shoes. Ye’ll have te walk without them or we’ll never get back, an tha bastard will be lookin fer trouble. I was out lookin fer hours, tryin te get somethin fer ye te wear. An now I’m afraid of me life, wonderin wha he’ll do when we get back. Ye know wha he’s like! He doesn’t like te be left on his own.’
I go now fer me milk collection. Every mornin I go up te the top of Gardiner Street an onta Belvedere an collect two bottles of milk fer me ma. It’s the free milk fer childre under five. I join the queue of other childre all waitin fer the door te open, then we form a line. Tha’s when the pushin an shovin starts. The big young fellas throw their weight aroun an pick on the smaller childre. But I’ve managed te show them I’m not a softie. I’m not as big or as strong as them, but I roar like mad, an when one fella gave me a box an pushed me outa me line, I took a stick wit me the next time I went an banged him over the head. I’d searched fer hours lookin fer tha stick on the street. An now he leaves me alone. I collect a bottle of milk fer a neighbour who lives across the road, an I’m always afraid I’ll drop the milk on me way home, cos it’s hard te manage three bottles in me arms. She gives me one shillin an six pence a week fer gettin her the milk. An I haven’t told Jackser. So I can spend the money on sweets, or what I do is keep somethin back an buy Jackser five Woodbines te stop him killin me when I know I’m in trouble. Or maybe buy me ma a bag of chips, te cheer her up. I think it’s much better te spend the money on them te keep the peace than te buy sweets fer meself.
I was on me way home this mornin, it’s Easter Sunday, an I’ll be gettin paid me one an six. I was busy thinkin how I’ll spend it, maybe buy me brother a bit of chocolate, when I dropped a bottle of milk! I couldn’t stop cryin. I’ll have te tell the neighbour it was her milk. I was shakin when I knocked on her door. ‘I broke yer bottle of milk! It slipped outa me arms,’ I said, lookin up at her.
She said nothin, just looked down at me fer a while. An then she said, ‘How do ye know it was my bottle?’
I kept lookin at her, tryin te think. ‘It was, cos they told me in the dairy it was yer milk. So tha’s how I know!’
‘Yeah, go on!’ she said. ‘More like ye’d get yerself kilt if ye went home without it. Ye know I won’t pay ye fer breakin me milk! An I’ll not bother ye again te collect it fer me.’ She slammed the door, an I was left wonderin if I’d lost, cos I knew Jackser couldn’t kill me now. I had his milk safe, an tha was more important!
Me ma’s had enough of Jackser an she’s decided te kill him. ‘We’d never get away from tha mad bastard,’ she said. ‘He’d hound us. An probably end up killin us! So I’m goin te get him first!’
I looked at me ma, an me mouth was hangin open. ‘Yeah, Ma!’ I said, slowly thinkin. ‘But how will we do it?’
‘I’ll poison him,’ she said. ‘Wit this!’ an she picked up a bottle. It looked like medicine te me. ‘I’m goin te put it in his tea!’
I said, ‘Will he drop down dead, Ma?’
‘Yeah! But I can’t let him get wise te me. So I won’t put too much in at first, in case he tastes it.’
Tha was decided so, an I waited fer Jackser te come back an demand his tea. I couldn’t stop thinkin about Jackser droppin dead. An I was makin all sorts of plans. I’d get meself a shoppin bag, an I’d take up more milk deliveries. I’d save up an buy a go-car, one the young fellas makes fer themselves fer playin aroun in. An then I could collect the turf fer people an drag it along on the go-car. Ye get a shillin a bag, I think, fer deliverin it after collectin it from the depot. Yeah! I’d make enough money te keep me ma an me brothers. Now I’m just headin inta eight years old I’ve got enough sense te be able te take care of things.
When he came back, he marched inta the room, an said, ‘Right, Mrs! Have ye got a sup of tea ready? I’m starvin.’ Then he threw off his coat an put it behind the door, an then unlaced his boots an threw them under the bed. An then he rolled himself onta the mattress an lay down wit his hands behind his head. ‘Tha fuckin labour exchange’d do yer head in. Ye’d think it was comin outa their own pockets, the way they carry on. Have ye done any work in the last week? No! Are ye lookin fer work? Yes! Well, sign this! Do tha! I’m gettin no more than I’m entitled. So fuck them!’ Jackser said.
I looked at me ma as she busied herself aroun the cooker. We were readin each other’s eyes. ‘I have te bide me time!’ she whispered.
I kept a watch on Jackser. ‘Go on, Ma! He’s dozin.’ Her eyes were like knives as she looked over at him. An she took the bottle outa her frock pocket an poured a little inta his mug of tea. But as she was doin it, the babby had crawled under the bed after Jackser’s boots an was chewin an dribblin all over the laces. He suddenly banged the shoe up an down on the floorboards an was delighted wit himself. Poor Charlie had got hold of the other one an was about te try it on himself when Jackser got a sudden shock from the babby’s bangin. He shot up an reached out, grabbin Charlie an sendin him flyin, an the babby jumped an shook an squealed. He dropped the boot an took te his hands an knees, an shot under the table. Me ma screamed an threw the bottle from her hand, an it smashed inta the sink. An without thinkin, I was openin the door onta the landin, makin me getaway. Me ma turned on Jackser wit the fright an disappointment at breakin the bottle, an roared, ‘Don’t be fuckin shoutin, ye bandy aul fucker. Ye’re after frightenin the life outa everyone!’
Jackser clamped his mouth shut an rolled his eyes aroun the room, givin everyone a dirty look. ‘Listen, ye whore’s melt!’ he said, fastenin his eyes back on me ma, who was darin him by starin back hard, an she had her jaws clamped, too! ‘If I get up outa this bed, ye’ll be takin a short cut straight outa this fuckin winda. Do ye read me, Mrs?’
I came creepin back inta the room against me will, but I had te shut me ma up before he kilt the lot of us. ‘Do ye want yer tea, Jackser?’ I croaked. ‘Ma! Give Jackser his tea, he’s tired.’
‘Yeah!’ Jackser shouted. ‘Listen te tha child an give me me tea. An I want no more of yer lip!’
Me ma hesimitated, an I pleaded wit me eyes. She stared at me wit her ice-cold marble eyes, an I stared back, annoyed, an frightened, too. ‘Give Jackser the tea, Ma,’ I said, losin patience wit her. I knew if Jackser discovered we were tryin te poison him, he wouldn’t hesimitate te kill us. An me ma was too stupid te see this. I know now I understand more than she does. I grabbed the babby from under the table an dragged him inta me bedroom, sayin, ‘We’ll play in here, Jackser, cos ye need te rest in peace an quiet.’