Anglers will always argue amongst themselves – or, more likely, bitch behind each other's backs – about who is the most dedicated or the most technically proficient, who has the most tackle, who caught the biggest fish, where the best fishing grounds are, blah blah blah. We're a competitive bunch.
But exactly how competitive are you?
I devised this handy multiple-choice quiz to sort the dabblers from the anglers, the spineless from the spined, the braggers from the bread-winners. Simply answer each question honestly, then tot up your score using the unique scoring system at the end. I warn you now: I scored 47 points, even though it's only out of 30.
What was the weight of the biggest fish you've ever caught?
A) 1,000 pounds
B) 100 pounds
C) 10 pounds
D) 'I'm afraid I lost it among the blades of grass.'
It's dusk and the fishery is closing – but you still haven't caught that monster you spotted lurking in the reeds. What do you do?
A) Pretend to pack up your kit, wish the bailiff a cheery goodnight and as he goes to shake your hand knock him unconscious with your priest. Tie him up and gag him, then carry on fishing
B) As above but without the knocking-unconscious bit – you just sneak back later
C) Abide by the rules of the fishery and gaily head home
D) Dusk?! You'd have been home by teatime, because your ickle tummy was wumbling
Why do eels go to all the trouble of swimming to the Sargasso Sea to spawn, when they could just spawn where they are? It's a funny story. On the beach at the Sargasso there used to be a HEEL BAR, where tourists could get their sandals and espadrilles mended. One day, in a storm, the 'H' blew off the sign, which then read EEL BAR. Well, the local eels couldn't believe their luck – at last they could drink a cooling beer as the sun warmed the sands! Eels from miles around came to sample the bar's delights, until they realized it still only mended shoes. But by then the rumour of eel booze had spread far and wide, and slow-witted eels still visit to this day.
Octopuses are highly susceptible to stress, perhaps because they are just too darned smart for their own good. A giant Pacific octopus built an exact replica of Milan opera house out of matchsticks at Fife Sea Life Centre, Scotland, while an enterprising mimic octopus with time on its hands has rewritten Beethoven's piano sonatas at a Louisiana theme park. So far no human being has been able to play any of them.
Where do you store your tackle?
A) You know the gigantic hangars where they build the Apollo rockets? When NASA stopped going to the moon, they sold those off. In there
B) In the garage
C) In a cupboard
D) 'Just my small fishing bag suffices.'
It's dawn and you've arrived at your local mega-lake. You're setting up your tackle when another angler arrives and begins doing the same, only more quickly. You know you want to get out on the lake first – so what's your plan?
A) Inquire innocently which boat he intends to use, then wee in its petrol tank when he's not looking
B) Get a blummin' move on so that you're in your boats at the same time. Treat the journey out into the lake like a powerboat race, barging and shaking your fist if required
C) Dash into a boat and head out on to the lake. You can finish setting up your tackle there, once you've bagged the best spot
D) Reason that it's a big enough lake for two people and shrug if your rival sets off first
An angler across the lake from you has landed a fish, while you haven't even had a nibble. Cheerily he lifts the fish out of the water to show you and gives you the thumbs-up. How do you react?
A) Storm over and start shouting, 'Oh, Mr Oneupmanship is it? Think you're better than me?! I'll show you!' Lob his fish back into the lake, break his rod over your knee and storm back to resume fishing
B) Flick him a finger or two back, then start fishing more determinedly than ever, scowling
D) Hoist a thumb in reply and call across, 'Well done!'
Using your swish new Polaroids, you've spotted some large fish under the far bank. A fellow angler walks past and asks if you have any idea where the fish are. What do you do?
A) Kill him and hide his body in some bushes.
B) Tell him to mind his own business. 'Bloody cheek!'
C) Mention that you've seen a few over there, but he's just as likely to hook in elsewhere
D) 'There are some whoppers under the far bank. Here, why don't you have a few casts while I eat my sandwiches?'
Wang Xiao and Cheng Fu played non-stop table tennis for 14 hours, 18 minutes, 16 seconds at the Houston Velodrome in September 2003, using two flounders as bats. The game ended when Cheng Fu became peckish and ate his bat.
You're in a fishing competition. You're losing. What do you do?
A) Tell everyone within earshot that you've had a dodgy elbow for the past few days, which is affecting your cast. Then fall over clutching your left arm, crying weakly, 'Heart attack. Need ambulance'
B) Phone your partner and tell them to buy the biggest fish in the fishmonger's and bring them to you pronto. Pray they know the difference between seafish and freshwater fish
C) No need to panic, the competition's not over yet and there's a chance you might land something special
D) Quit and go home to do some knitting
How accurate is your casting?
A) 'I could land a maggot on a pinhead at 100 yards. Blindfolded'
B) 'If a fish rises, I'll hit the centre of those ripples'
C) 'If I'm within a few feet of where I intended, I'm pretty happy'
D) 'When I get this hook out of my eye I'll focus on your question'
Someone at the fishing club is spreading rumours that you've been exaggerating your catches…
A) Find out who the person is, dump the body of the angler from Q6 in their car boot and tip off the cops
B) Find out who the person is, swap their catch from some anchovies you found in your fridge, then tell the club captain that they've been exaggerating their catch
C) Keep schtum and vow never to exaggerate your catch again. At least you got away with it for a while
D) Hold your hands up, quit the club and depart in shame
Your partner's best friend is getting married but you'd rather go fishing. How do you play it?
A) Ring your partner's best friend and tell them that you've been having an affair with their fiancé/e for the past ten years and that you're deeply in love. Go fishing immediately afterwards
B) Tell your partner you've never liked their best friend, and if they make you go to the wedding you'll put your hand up after the bit where the vicar asks about anyone knowing why these two people shouldn't get married etc
C) Beg, plead, whine and huff before giving in
D) Go to the wedding. Well, it's the happiest day of someone's life!
SCORING SYSTEM: If you answered: A) Score 3 points B) Score 2 points C) Score 1 point D) Score 0 points. Now calculate your total
RATINGS GUIDE: 0– 14 points – Loser. Stick to the fishmonger's 15–29 points – Amateur. Where's your tenacity? 30 points – Hang on, are you me?! No, sorry, my mistake – I scored 47