All this fabulous and factually correct info on fishing for you, yet nothing on offer for your angling-averse partner? It doesn't seem right to forget about them – I know I always set aside time to think about the wife. Generally around 11.42 am every Wednesday. I'm joking, of course!
So let's spare our partners a thought, reward them for their patience, understanding and support. You've had your How Hooked Are You? quiz. Now here's a How Unhooked Are You? quiz for them. Same rules apply.
Your partner says they're off out fishing yet again. What is your first thought?
A) [ENTIRELY UNPRINTABLE]
B) 'What a sad [REMAINDER UNPRINTABLE]'
C) 'At least it's only every weekend. And Christmas Day, Boxing Day and miscellaneous public holidays. And, come to think of it, our anniversary… [REMAINDER UNPRINTABLE]'
D) 'Ah, let them have their fun'
While your partner is out fishing, how do you tend to occupy your time?
A) By sleeping with the next-door neighbour
B) By cutting random holes out of their clothing using a big pair of scissors
C) By tapping your foot impatiently while watching Psycho
D) 'There's always a dinner to prepare, whether it goes cold or not. It's the thought that counts'
Your partner suggests that you join them on a fishing trip. 'Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself?' they add wishfully.
A) 'I'd enjoy myself more if someone cut off my feet, Sellotaped one over each eye and declared that they made an attractive novelty pair of horn-rimmed spectacles'
B) 'I'd enjoy myself more if someone asked me to watch over their pet walnut named Nicholas until they returned – and then went missing for 14 years'
C) 'You must be joking!'
D) 'Why not! I'd like that very much!'
Opening a rarely used cupboard, a series of carrier bags fall out. They're full of recently purchased fishing tackle which your partner has tried to hide from you. What do you do?
A) Ram it item by item [REMAINDER UNPRINTABLE]
B) Put the lot on a bonfire then invite your partner outside to warm their hands, and wait gleefully while their expression begins to change
C) Confront them, shouting. Force them to take it all back for a refund.
D) Take a deep interest and ask what each item does, while remaining wide awake
Your partner returns home delighted after a successful sea-fishing trip, and slaps on the kitchen table what they claim to be 'a near-record whiting!' How do you react?
A) Pick it up and recreate as best you can – accuracy isn't the point – Monty Python's fish-slapping dance, wishing only that the whiting were of actual record size
B) Lob it in the bin and file for divorce
C) Tell them that if they're so pleased with it, they can eat it. Then sit and watch them do so, having tied them to a chair
D) Warm the oven and begin filleting
Your partner decides it's time to take your young child on their first-ever fishing trip. Clearly a desperate attempt at indoctrination, what do you do? There's a chance it might be successful…
A) While your partner's away, you stick Jaws in the DVD player and hope aloud that no one catches a fish that big
B) Puncture all the tyres on the car and swear that badgers did it during the night
C) Howl 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO', which goes on for ages, then beat your fists against the floor, weeping uncontrollably
D) 'What a fabulous idea, darling! I do hope you have a lovely time. Here, I've packed some sandwiches'
What do you think your partner looks like, kitted out in their full fishing regalia?
A) A loser
B) Pfffffffffffttttttt!
C) Not exactly trendy
D) Rather lovely
Out drinking one evening, a good friend suddenly lets rip, declaring that, 'Your partner is a no-good, selfish, boring, conniving, fish-obsessed waste of a human being'. What do you do?
A) Demand to know whether they're having an affair, as the only person to know them as well as that is you
B) Pat them on the back and buy them another drink
C) After the initial shock, you begin to agree
D) Threaten to sue for slander
Your partner announces that they have invited their fishing friends round for a drinks party. How do you react?
A) You burn the house down
B) Just as the 'party' is getting started, you enter the lounge wearing an ice-hockey mask and jumpsuit, smilingly declaring you are Jason from the Friday the 13th series of movies. You refuse all requests to remove the mask and hover near guests until they become disturbed and leave
C) You suddenly find you have a prior engagement that evening – your toenails need cutting in the loft
D) You mingle with the party guests, hanging on their every fishing tale, and distributing nibbles
It's Christmas! On tenterhooks, you open the present from your partner to discover a Bertie Big Mouth Bass. Not only do they find the irony of you receiving a fish-related gift hilarious, they also find Bertie Big Mouth Bass hilarious. In your state of overwhelming fury, you cannot decide which is worse. But how do you seek revenge?
A) The following year you lie in wait for Santa Claus, knock him out cold with the Bertie Big Mouth and prop his unconscious form up at the foot of your partner's bed. When they wake up expectantly on Christmas morning, you tell them, 'You did this!'
B) When your partner falls asleep that night, you remove Bertie Big Mouth's mechanism and insert it into their snoring gob. When they wake up, they find themselves repeatedly singing a crappy version of 'Take Me to the River' while turning their head
C) The following year you give them a set of Jerry Springer Show DVDs
D) Kick them out of the house, invite some friends round for drinks and all point, laughing, while they shiver in the garden, begging to be let back in. Yay!
SCORING SYSTEM If you answered: A) Score 3 points B) Score 2 points C) Score 1 point D) Score 0 points Now calculate your total
RATINGS GUIDE 0– 14 points – Congratulations You are a saint 15–29 points – Hmmm! A little less 'you' time might be in order 30 points – Psycho! Makes me glad I met Sandra!
