Jane handed Mark a cup of coffee, and sat down next to him on the sofa. It was 10 am on Sunday morning and the sun was shining through the flat’s window.
‘How did you feel after your meditative journey?’ he asked.
‘Actually I was quite shocked; it wasn’t what I expected. But as the day went on and I thought about what I experienced, I began to feel elated. It was really strange.’ Jane pondered for a moment then said, ‘I’m not sure whether I believe what happened during my meditation was a real experience, but it did make me think.’
‘Wow. I can’t wait to have mine.’
Jane looked at him and wondered whether she should tell him what happened during the journey. Mark must have read her thoughts for he suddenly said, ‘I know the journey is private and I don’t want you to share it if you don’t want to, but did you get to meet your guide?’
Jane smiled. ‘I did, and I think I need to tell you something about the journey, because I’m going to need your help if I decide to go forward with it.’
Mark’s attention was fully on her. ‘My help? This sounds intriguing.’
She told Mark about her journey, leaving out details like the frozen village. She didn’t want him to know about that, it was far too personal. She also left out the reason why she had to do the vision quest.
‘You have to do a vision quest, what’s that?’
‘Jasmine said that for me it was a solo journey, a meditative journey that I have to do by myself.’
‘To do what?’
Jane could see that Mark was bursting to know more. ‘To confront a private issue I have. That’s all I can say. But Jasmine did suggest I have someone close by in case I need them.’
‘And you want me?’ he said excitedly.
‘Yes. I feel you are probably the only one apart from Jasmine who won’t think I’m nuts.’
Mark laughed. ‘And who says I don’t think you’re nuts?’
Jane scowled at him and he raised his hands. ‘Only kidding. It won’t be long before I have my own meditative journey, then we’ll be two nuts together.’
She couldn’t help but smile. It was such a relief to have someone she could talk to who wasn’t trying to derail or find some fault with her. Mark was sincere in what he said and she felt very comfortable speaking to him.
‘Jasmine wants us both to go a little earlier on Wednesday.’ Jane saw Mark raise an eyebrow in puzzlement. ‘She told me that she has something to tell us about the crystals we have chosen and that her guides told her she needed to help us with our life purpose.’
Mark just stared at her for a moment as if waiting for her to continue, but realising she wasn’t going to say anymore he said, ‘She actually said that? Did she say what our life purpose was?’
Jane shook her head and saw disappointment creep across his face. ‘Why do you ask?’
Mark leant back against the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. ‘Since the break up of my marriage I have been searching for a meaning to my life. I believe I’m here to do something, but I don’t know what.’ He turned his head to look at her. ‘I thought when you said Jasmine was to help us with our life purpose I assumed she knew what it was.’
Jane sensed this was important for him but she couldn’t give him a positive answer. ‘No. I don’t think she knows, but she is a bit spooky. She knew I was going to see you before Wednesday.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps she guessed.’ Jane thought a while then said, ‘Mark, do you think all this is genuine?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well take the feathers for example, Jasmine could have put yours outside your door, and she may have been the one who sent the water crystal to me just so she could attach my feather.’
‘And her reason for doing that?’
Jane thought about it. ‘Commitment to the course she is running, maybe?’
Mark learnt forward, staring at the floor. ‘I know what you are getting at, but something inside me isn’t okay with that. She’s already got our money, so if it is just business to her why would she want us to stay on the course?’
Jane took his empty cup and placed it on the table. ‘Well, perhaps this week something will happen to make me believe she is genuine. Shall we start our studies now?’
Mark picked up and opened the file he had brought with him. ‘This week we are studying water, and it has to do with intuition, trust and emotions.’
Jane sat back down and flipped open her own file. ‘We have to recognise everything we do with water, like remembering it is in our food.’
‘Feeling it when we are in the shower,’ Mark offered.
Jane picked up her box, opened the lid and removed the scallop shell. ‘So why do we have this seashell?’
‘It’s a symbol of life in the sea, according to this,’ Mark said, looking at the inscription in his file. ‘It says here that the plants who live in the sea breathe out oxygen, which rises to the surface. Once it breaks the surface it is then taken by the wind around the world. The sea is a huge water mass filled with living organisms that create most of the Earth’s oxygen. Wow!’
‘And we are all connected with it,’ Jane stated, remembering what Three Wolves had said to her about her energy and spirit being interconnected to the Earth’s energy and spirit. ‘So what’s the next thing we have to do?’
Mark checked the file. ‘Take a walk by water and appreciate the air first, then watch and appreciate the properties of the water.’
‘That sounds like a good idea for this afternoon.’
Mark looked out of the window and the beautiful day emerging. ‘Yeah, I agree with you. Shall we try the questions before we do that?’
Jane moaned quietly to herself. More stupid questions. She could almost feel the apprehension rising inside of her.
‘There’s five sets of questions, shall I go first?’ Mark was already scribbling down some notes.
Jane nodded. Perhaps by the time they had finished with Mark’s answers there would be no time to do her own. She turned to the questions and read out the first set.
‘State the turning points in your life. How did you feel, and can you see a pattern?’ She clearly remembered one major turning point in her life, and she had been running away from that ever since.
‘Can I suggest we just state one major point for now, and finish it off in our own time, otherwise we won’t get to do our walk,’ Jane said quickly.
‘I suppose the major turning point for me was when my marriage broke up.’ Mark paused, and Jane thought she could detect sadness in his voice. ‘I was devastated and angry at my wife.’
‘And was there a pattern?’ Jane asked, not sure if she really wanted to know.
‘I’m not quite sure what it means by a pattern, but my father got chucked out of our home when my mother believed he had been having an affair. She later took him back when she found out it was just malicious gossip.’
‘So you think the pattern is the marriage break-up. Your parent’s marriage broke up and you think it set a precedent that your own would break up, and in your case it did, but it was because of your work and not an affair.’
Mark nodded. ‘Spot on, you’re good at this.’
‘But I don’t think that is the pattern, because your father didn’t have an affair, did he? It was down to the matter of trust. Your mother believed the gossip instead of trusting your dad.’
Mark stared at her. ‘So what do you think the pattern is?’
‘Trust,’ Jane said with conviction.
‘I…’ Mark hesitated, then said, ‘Well, you could be right there. My wife obviously didn’t trust me to be a good dad.’
Jane knew she had hit on the truth, for she could see how uncomfortable Mark was becoming as he talked about it. She quickly turned to the next question. ‘It says – “what was the meaning behind the event and if it was a negative meaning, were there any positive things that came from it?”’
Jane almost snorted with disgust at the thought of something positive coming out of her own situation. She quickly turned it into a cough. How could there be a positive thing about what had happened all those years ago? These questions were nonsense.
‘Why don’t you answer this one, Jane?’ Mark said, turning to her.
Jane just stared at him. ‘I… I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s private.’
‘But you just have to say if you can see a positive aspect to what happened.’
‘It’s a stupid question. When something bad happens, it can’t have a positive meaning.’
‘But maybe it has, all the question is doing is asking you to consider it. Can you just look at this objectively?’
Jane stood up, sending the file to the floor. ‘There was nothing positive about what happened, I tell you. Nothing!’
She could feel the tears welling in her eyes and quickly turned her head away from him. As she was about to move away, Mark got up and put his arms around her.
‘I’m so sorry Jane. I didn’t mean to push it. Please don’t get upset.’
Jane suddenly realised she needed this. She needed him to hold her and tell her it would be all right. She wanted to melt into his arms and absorb the comfort of his strength.
She felt his breath against her right ear and heard him say, ‘The meaning behind my marriage break up was: I trusted and loved the wrong person. The end of the marriage was the negative event, but the positive side of it is that I am here now, with you.’
Jane lifted her head and looked into his brown eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks. He gently brushed them away and kissed her on the lips. For a moment everything seemed to stop, as if they were in an envelope of space where only the sound of her heart could be heard. Then the bubble burst as Mark pulled away and the outside world thundered in.
Jane moved away from him. ‘I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me.’
She closed the bathroom door and leaned against it. Why did she let him kiss her? It would only make matters worse. She moved to the sink and splashed water on her face, washing away the tears and refreshing her eyes. She had broken down in front of him; that was not good. What was happening to her strength, her fortitude?
She pushed her face into the soft towel and dabbed her eyes. When she looked up into the mirror all evidence of her weakness had gone. She took a deep breath and returned to the lounge.
Mark was packing up her file and box. He turned to her and smiled. ‘Are you okay?’
She nodded, then said, ‘What are you doing?’
He pointed to his watch. ‘I thought now would be a good time for our walk.’
Jane moved over and picked up the file. ‘But what about the other things we need to do?’ She felt uncomfortable, even apprehensive as she began to open the file.
Mark took the file from her and placed it back on the table. ‘Three more sets of questions to do, and I think it would be better if we did those on our own. But the last item I think you will like.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it says that sometime during this week a water event will have an effect on you.’
‘What does that mean?’
Mark chuckled. ‘Maybe Jasmine is going to chuck some water on us on Wednesday evening.’
Jane smiled and immediately all her tension was gone. She handed him his coat. ‘Come on, let’s see if our walk next to water brings results.’
Jane closed her front door and joined Mark on the steps down to the beach. There was a slight chill to the air, suggesting that winter was approaching but the sun was shining and the wind was light. They walked down to the water’s edge and stood looking out over the sea. The water was a shining blue mirror and seemed to shimmer against the rays of the sun. It was one of the most beautiful scenes Jane had been privileged to see, all the time she had been in her flat. St Brelade was a stunning bay.
As they both absorbed the essence of the beauty before them Mark quietly said, ‘I hope my kiss didn’t offend you.’
Jane turned to him. Now would be the time to stop it before it got too complicated, but the thought of telling him to go away made her feel empty and sick. She liked his company too much so she said, ‘I wasn’t offended. In fact I’m grateful to you for being there for me. I needed to have you hold me.’ Jane smiled at him, and he smiled back.
She turned back to the watery scene before her, feelings of peace and contentment filled her body with every breath she took. ‘This place is so beautiful. I already feel better.’ She sighed.
‘It is stunning. Never really took much notice of what was around me before I started this course. We all seem too busy these days to bother.’
Jane knew what he meant. Her time had been spent working and even though she had occasionally got to walk along the beach she hadn’t really appreciated what a valuable experience it was. The course had opened her eyes to something other than work and she had to admit she was grateful for that.
He took her hand and they walked along the beach towards the rocks, and the footpath to the next beach. No one else was around except a couple walking their dog on the far side of the beach. It was quiet, the only sound being the sea lapping its way up the sand. Even the seagulls had quelled their cries as if in awe of the beauty of the moment.
Then something dropped on to the sand in front of Jane, causing a tiny crater in the smooth surface. Another came, then another. Jane looked up as a sudden torrent of heavy raindrops fell from the sky. She turned to Mark and saw surprise upon his face as the force of the rain increased. Within seconds they were wet, right through to the skin.
‘Mark, look up at the sky,’ Jane exclaimed her voice rising slightly with excitement.
‘Well, I’ll be dammed. It’s not possible.’
Jane started to laugh. She flung out her arms and turned her face up into the rain. ‘Nice one, Jasmine. I’d love to know how you did it.’
Next thing Mark had picked her up and was swinging her around. ‘How do we explain this away, Jane?’
Jane didn’t know and she wasn’t even going to attempt to try. The sky over St Brelade’s Bay was clear blue and almost cloudless. It would have been completely clear had it not been for the small, single, grey, rain-cloud hovering above their heads.
* * *
Jane was sitting on her bed in her pyjamas with her course file open in front of her. Mark had gone straight home after their soaking on the beach, but not before he had given her another kiss. She wondered if she had done the right thing. He seemed to be still suffering from the break up of his marriage, even though it had happened a good time ago. She didn’t want to hurt him, or for that matter get hurt herself. Perhaps she should tell him not to bother seeing her again, but something inside her didn’t want that. She liked having him around, liked him holding her and his kiss was…
‘Oh, stop it,’ she told herself. Why was she thinking of him when she was supposed to concentrate on these questions? For goodness sake, she was acting like someone on a first date.
She turned the page over to reveal question three. It was about examining relationships. Oh great, just when she was trying to stop thinking about one.
“Which relationships make you feel bad?” Jane groaned; there were plenty to list in addition to the two really bad ones.
“Which ones make you feel good?” That was an easier question. Only one so far. Then she thought, no, that wasn’t true. Relationships didn’t just mean lovers so she could answer that she had a few.
“What can you do to change the bad ones?” Oh for goodness sake I don’t know, Jane thought. They were just bad people and there was no way to change them. What did this course expect her to do? Go up and give them a hug? Jane smiled as she imagined the look on David’s face if the next time he tried to make her look a fool she gave him a hug instead of having a go at him. David would no doubt think she had gone mad, and Fiona would faint from the shock.
“Why do you feel like this?” the next question asked. Well maybe it is because every single one has damn well hurt me, Jane thought. That thought stirred an emotion, and Jane felt tears come to her eyes, but she forced them back. Not this time. No way.
The questions continued. “Who do you trust and who do you not?”
Oh that’s a good one. The easiest one for her to answer was who do you trust, as there weren’t many of them in her life.
“Why don’t you trust?” Here we go again, another stupid question.
This time Jane hesitated before writing down her answer. Why didn’t she trust? She thought back to her encounter with David at the office. She had trusted him to help her and he had let her down. In fact, nearly every one she had tried to give her trust to had let her down. Why did they do that? she thought to herself. Then the answer came to her. They had all wanted to bring her down, hurt her.
The same emotion as before stirred within her, growing as she pondered over the times she had tried to trust people and it had all gone wrong, leaving her hurt. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye and dropped onto the paper she was scribbling on. Jane put her pen down and covered her face with her hands, allowing her tears to fall on to her palms. She let herself release the emotion.
A few minutes later she reached for the tissues beside the bed and blew her nose. What was the matter with her? These questions were so painful, why was she even doing them? She had been happy before that letter appeared on her desk and now she was becoming an emotional wreck.
She dried her eyes and the tearstain on her notes. The ink had slightly run on the word “why” directing her vision to the last part of the trust question – “what emotion do you feel when you don’t trust?” She instantly knew the answer. It was sadness; a deep feeling of sadness, because that was the feeling she was experiencing now.
The final question said, “Think about the events and relationships in your life. Think about how you feel when you are in these events or relationships. What are the first thoughts that come to you?”
Jane stared at the question and thought of work and the people there. The first thought that came into her mind was, I’m a successful businesswoman and I got there by hard work, perseverance and stamping on those who tried to stop me.
Somewhere in Jane’s mind a voice whispered, “By hurting others is what you mean, isn’t it?” Jane looked up from the file, as her stomach seemed to sink into the mattress. She swallowed hard. Was this what her first thought, truly meant?
She refused to accept it and her mind filled with memories of her achievements, her victories over her criticising colleagues and the pleasurable rush she got when she had won a battle. Once more, she experienced the elation of power and the feeling of total freedom that absolute control gave her.
Then she picked up the file and threw it across the bedroom. She shouted after it, ‘I am going back to being my old self! No more questions, no more course. It’s finished.’ She took a deep breath, ‘That’s much better, I’m happy now.’ She switched off the light and slipped under the covers. As she lay with her eyes closed a question popped into her head. “Why then do you still feel bad?” Jane screwed her eyes tightly closed against the emotion rising up inside of her. ‘Go away, I am happy, I AM happy.’ Her final thoughts as she drifted into sleep were of the two brothers, laughing.