By the time we get home it’s quite late, but Mum lets Danny in to talk for a few minutes. This is probably because she feels a bit guilty for treating me like a toddler when I am the actual brand. I sound a bit like a diva, but I don’t like being talked over. She may be my manager, but I can guarantee that Ariana Grande’s mum does NOT treat her like that. They are a real TEAM effort.
Danny is excited. “How did it go?!” he screams.
I just groan, “Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb,” and then realize Danny doesn’t have psychic abilities.
“It went okay.” I sigh. “The thing is, she wants cats.”
Danny starts giggling. “Perhaps you can get a cat cam. Have you seen Animals with Cameras? They put a camera around cheetahs’ necks!! You get to see everything. Sleep. Eating. Killing stupid gazelles by running at sixty miles an hour and grabbing them by the neck.”
That’s the wildlife version of what Mum was trying to do to Lydia Portancia today in the meeting.
I stare at Danny. I’m not really in the mood for silly. I’m a bit of a grump.
“One, that would cost a fortune. Two, I don’t want to cramp Dave’s style. Can you imagine what it’s like to go out and meet the other cats in the neighborhood? ‘What’s that around your neck, Dave? Honestly, buddy, it looks a bit ridiculous.’ I’m all for statement accessories, but that’s too much.”
This makes Danny laugh a lot. It’s very cool being a woman who makes handsome men collapse with the giggles. Mum says it’s a superpower.
“I can’t stay around for long,” Danny says once he’s finished wiping his eyes. “Big day tomorrow. Dad has called a BIG family meeting.”
I stare at him and then squint. “That sounds a bit ominous.”
Danny doesn’t look too fussed. “Millie, in my experience it could be about anything from ‘Shall we get a gerbil?’ to ‘What’s for dinner on Sunday?’ to ‘Your grandma has decided she wants to do a sky-dive at age eighty-six and I think we should absolutely talk her out of it considering her arthritis.’ It could be ANYTHING. I take life as it comes.”
Zen Dan. Zan. He always takes life as it hurtles his way.
“Anyway,” Danny says, “got to go. Millie, can I say something a bit uncomfortable? I think you should enjoy yourself a bit more. Stop focusing on all the bad stuff in your life. Start thinking about the good stuff. You have an incredible family and great friends. Don’t make it ALL about the vlog. I’m not saying don’t do it. Just lighten up a bit.”
I wish I could just lighten up, but I am not naturally Zan like Danny. I take life in a panic. Mostly it’s controlled, but sometimes it’s plummeting to earth and I’ve forgotten to open my parachute.
But then we kiss and my parachute DOES open and I land on the ground in a heap but crucially not dead. No, you should NOT rely on boys to make you feel better (I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD, MUM!), but occasionally they do help. They are a nice distraction from a head of doom.
After Danny leaves, I check my phone.
There are three notifications. There’s a text from Lauren, How did it go KWEEEENNN?!, a WhatsApp from Bradley, Hope you got a good deal (this is SO Bradley—zero messing about), and a message from Granddad. You can tell Aunty Teresa has helped him to write it, as it makes actual sense.
Hello, Millie! What country does this flag belong to?! Don’t cheat! Come around tomorrow after school and tell me. Have your tea here, too, and that’s an order!
It’s a lovely flag. It’s got people on it, but I have no idea. One of them is holding an axe but not in a way that makes him look like he’s in a horror film and he’s going to do something appalling. He just looks like he’s holding it because he’s going to chop down a tree and build a tremendous beach house. Don’t ask me how, I can just tell.
I’ve never seen this flag before in my life. I could do a Google image reverse search but Granddad can always tell when I’m lying. He says my ears do this mad involuntary wiggle thing.
I just hope Teresa hasn’t done what she’s been threatening to do for years—turn Granddad’s house into a microstate so she doesn’t have to pay any tax. Creating her own flag is exactly the sort of thing that she would do. And the men on it are bare chested. It’s basically an Aunty Teresa fantasy with a bit of graphic design from an app. I bet she declares herself queen, president for life, gets hippos as pets, and goes completely wild.
I’ve decided I’m giving up on trivia. It stresses me out completely.