When I wake up the next morning, I’m blind. This is because Dave is lying over my eyes. She’s overexhausted after doing stunts on McWhirter and has decided she likes to be a living eye mask—the unhelpful, nonbeauty kind. The house feels odd. Mum and Neat Freak Gary are creatures of routine, but that’s all gone out the window today. For a start, showers don’t last for the right amount of time. Most of my morning routine has to be based around Gary’s twenty-two-minute cleansing ritual. This morning, that doesn’t seem to happen. I can tell by the lack of washing-up that breakfast hasn’t been eaten by anyone, and that includes Dave. No one has given her food. She is very angry and gnaws at my ankles. I’m nearly late for school because of all this. Other people are my natural alarm clock.
I’m also late because Lydia Portancia has already sent me something about the vlog.
Millie!
Fantastic response! Emotional subject matter beautifully picked and elaborated on by you! Vulnerability means viral! You know how to get people going! And Dave’s incredible as ever! I wonder though if you’ve ever considered upping your production value? A little makeup? Nothing that isn’t “you,” of course, but something that just enhances your intrinsic brand values and your lovely face. Have a think and get back to me by the end of the day.
KV!
LP x
This e-mail makes me feel sick, so I put it in the part of my trained brain that’s called “Try to forget about it and panic later.” I rush into school. Lauren runs up to me. “Meltdown to the last vlog, Mills!”
“Meltdown” is Lauren’s way of saying that things have gone really well.
“I haven’t had time to look,” I tell her. “Dave was trying to kill me!”
Lauren’s eyes go really wide. “Mills, SERIOUSLY vlog about that! Pets that try to kill!”
Lauren can sometimes take things a bit literally.
“Not really, Lauren,” I reassure her. “I’m just joking!”
Lauren can’t let go of the idea now, though. “People do love murder stuff, though! They love, like, a gruesome twist on things. I watched this thing once where a woman poisoned her husband slowly over months with weed killer. A bit at a time. It was famous. Now, the manufacturers have to put something in it to make you vomit so no one can be poisoned by weed killer again! You could do a podcast serial. ‘My Cat Is a Killer.’ She puts poison on her paws and then shoves them in your face.”
Even for Lauren, this is a bit odd. Everyone is acting strange today. Perhaps there is a full moon. I try to get her back on planet Earth.
“Do you ever get that feeling…”
Lauren interrupts me. “Your dad! Millie, I’m so sorry about your dad going. Sorry, I just got a bit preoccupied with Frenemy Psycho Cats.”
Lauren puts her arm around me. I let her, but when people are sweet to me after something bad has happened, THAT’S when I really want to cry. I don’t, though. Crying at school is still a no-no.
“Thanks, Loz. It’s not just that, though. The whole house was weird this morning. I don’t think Mum knows yet either. Perhaps she does, but I’m sure she would have mentioned it. It just felt a bit bizarre.”
“In what way?” Lauren asks.
“I don’t know. It just seemed like something big was happening.” I sigh. “It’s probably nothing. You know what my head is like. It can make something out of nothing. It can turn a tiny event into something that is actually not happening at all.”
Honestly, I think vlogging may have made this trait worse.
Lauren nods. “Yes, you can turn a perfectly brilliant cat into a potential death trap.”
This makes me laugh. “But there was something weird going on. I haven’t made that bit up.”
Lauren looks sad. “I totally believe you but, to be honest, Mills, my house has always felt like that. Psychologists call it my norm. I’ve seen it on TV. Chaos is my standard.”
I try to cheer her up.
“But it’s better these days, isn’t it?”
Lauren sighs. “Yeah, now that my parents have admitted that they will never be getting back together and actually they can’t stand each other, things have certainly improved.”
This is one of those things that is simultaneously happy and terrible and a relief all in one. I don’t really know what to say, so I give Lauren a huge hug. Lauren knows I’m stuck and says, “Anyway, we need to hurry up or we’re going to be late for class!”
I tell her I just need to fix myself up and go to the bathroom. Yes, feeding the animal you are responsible for is important, but so is brushing your hair.
Once I’m in the bathroom, I look in the mirror. I have dark circles under my eyes and a large cat injury on my arm. I do not look my best, but I’ll do. I say this to myself as it’s important for your mouth to give your brain reassurance: “Millie. You will do!”
Just as I’m making this declaration, I notice that someone is smiling in the mirror behind me.
It’s Erin. Former enemy, now …
Now, I don’t know what she is, and I can’t get a thought out of my head. Lydia Portancia’s e-mail pops up from the “panic later” part of my head. What Erin could be hits me straight in the sensible part of my brain. Or the ambitious, focused, completely-intent-on-success part of my brain. I can’t decide what it is and if it’s good. Also, I don’t have time to decide.