About thirty minutes after I post the vlog, I make the very bad error of looking at the comments.
They are not good. In fact, some of them are completely horrible.
This is so not you. Same old. Seen it all before #unfollowed
(This makes me feel sick.)
Wearing makeup makes you stupid.
Parent propaganda. Do you want to force the message home a bit more?
(I SOUNDED LIKE I WAS PREACHING! Of course I did! I could feel it.)
Don’t mess with no date night Netflix.
(Obviously.)
Epic makeup
I hope you realize chicken bones can kill a cat YOU IDIOT!!
(Dave is not an average cat. I’ve seen her spit out fish bones in a neat pile that almost formed a sculpture. Perhaps I need to mention that.)
Is this turning into a makeup thing because if it is I’m not interested.
(No, it’s not, I promise. Perhaps I should vlog about that.)
Bajka love Dave! Follow Bajka on Instagram
What?!
I open up Instagram. Bajka is a cat. She is an exotic breed with a face that looks flat like it’s been squashed up. She’s absolutely beautiful, though, and she writes beautifully in her own special feline language with cute spelling.
Well, obviously she doesn’t write it. Whoever is writing for her does and it’s very good. For example, there’s a photo of Bajka looking annoyed. Her face is pressed up against a cupboard door.
Frenz hi. Hooman won’t feed me. No tuna. Pleasz get help.
I google the name. “Bajka” is Czech for “fairy tale.” This is like a fairy tale. It’s the perfect account—one of the greatest Instagram feeds ever. Bajka has got loads of followers. It’s REALLY funny, too. I could never be this funny. It’s like it’s written by a comedian. I don’t even know how to reply to a comedy cat! This is in a different league to me. It’s professional and I’m …
I’m an amateur.
I can feel it.
I can also feel my chest getting tight and one side of me getting all tingly. This is me when my breathing gets so weird that I have to concentrate on it. Breathe in and breathe out slowly. Mindfulness, or what my mum calls common sense. God, I want my mum to come home. I look in the mirror. I still look incredible on the outside but on the inside the mascara is streaming down my face, my lips are smudged, and my entire face looks like I’ve flown into a patio door like a confused owl.
I lie down on my bed and slow everything up. In situations like these sometimes my brain can just shut down and I can have what I call a trauma nap. I know, I KNOW, it’s not real trauma, but it’s just when all the electrics in your brain feel like they are short-circuiting and you just need to put the STORE CLOSED sign up on your forehead.
Two hours later, I wake up when Dave starts biting my toe. Mum still isn’t home and I’m sixty-four subscribers down.
Sixty-four. That’s AWFUL. I need to speak to someone. I know I need Danny. He’ll make me feel better about it all.
I send a message to him.
Hello, Danny. How are you feeling? Are you around for a chat? Really would like to speak to you.
I can see that he has looked at my message. I wait for something back but nothing comes. This is life in the seenzone. It feels like forever. I can see he’s active, but he’s not typing anything to me. I get nothing.
Who is he speaking to and, more to the point, why isn’t it me?!
At this point Mum comes in with Chinese takeout. She doesn’t have time to put down the Singapore Noodles before I run into her for a hug. She ends up with honey and sesame dressing all over one of her best shirts, but I’m in such a state she doesn’t seem to mind.
“Millie! What on earth is the matter?!” she shouts. “And why do you look about thirty-five? I’m so sorry I’m late, I was just getting this!”
“Oh, Mum!” I say, and now it’s my time to get upset. I do not need any micellar water today. My tears wash off lots of Erin’s brilliant work.
Mum is understanding at first, but then she does that parent thing where she suggests you should stop doing anything that might remotely upset you and that you should do something dull instead.
“I was worried this would happen, Millie. I knew it might be too much for you. It’s not healthy to gauge your life success by how many random people are watching. Anyway, let me have a look at it.”
I get my phone out and let Mum watch the vlog. I watch her face. She doesn’t smile half as much as she normally does and occasionally she makes a tiny grimace that she tries to hide.
She draws a sharp intake of breath and gives the phone back to me.
“A couple of things, darling,” she whispers gently. “For a start, you’re not acting like you. You seem manic and a bit uncomfortable.”
I sigh. “I know! It’s all this!” I point to my face. “Lydia thought it was a good idea. I sort of hired Erin. It seemed like a good idea, but I felt all…”
I can’t even explain it. How do you explain looking better but feeling worse?
Mum seems to understand. “You didn’t feel like you. That’s fine. This isn’t you right now. You’ll go through lots of different versions of you before you get to the real you. In fact, I’m lots of different bits of me every day with different people. That’s life. It’s complicated.”
This is getting a bit deep and I don’t think I quite get it. Mum seems to sense this.
“Look, you’re fine as you are. It’s good to experiment, but at this point in a project I’d be sticking with what I know. I’d be carrying on doing what people love. And they clearly love you the way that you are. You don’t have to change. This is a good thing, not a bad one!”
She’s trying to make me feel better, but I don’t think she understands the magnitude of what has happened. I try to explain. “But this is Lydia’s specialist area. She knows what she’s doing! Or she’s meant to. I’m already sixty-four subscribers down!”
Mum replies almost immediately.
“Look, you’ve still got a ton of followers! So many that you’ve got representation. Millie, I won’t let you do this if it makes you ill or anxious. It’s not worth it. Get some perspective or get out of doing it!”
I hate this speech, but I know she has a point. I have to get tougher. I have to be more resilient. This is Granddad’s favorite word. He says it all the time. He thinks millennials lack “a bit of backbone.” I think he’s forgotten how scary it is to be young. I don’t think wondering what the hell you are doing is a new problem. I guarantee when they were building the pyramids 3,000 years ago there was someone saying, “Is a big triangle in a desert really a good idea and do I want to be part of this? I don’t even get a credit on the building!”
Every human being is a little bit of a mess. Even leaders who look like they know what they are doing.
“There is another thing, Millie!”
Mum interrupts me thinking about Tutankhamun having a crisis of confidence as a teen pharaoh.
“You’ve just told the entire world that Gary and I have split up and that he’s so emotional that he forgot part of his vacuum cleaner.”
I look at her. Oh GOD, this is completely true. I was in such a weird space when I was doing the vlog I hadn’t even thought. I’m exploiting my real life even when I don’t realize I’m exploiting my real life.
“Mum, I’m so sorry. Do you want me to take it down?”
Mum puts her arm around me. “Too late now, love, and anyway, it’s happened. I’m not ashamed of it and I don’t think Gary will be watching anything we do at the moment. He’s the kind of man that just cuts people off and moves on. He hasn’t spoken to his brother in twenty-three years. They fell out over a plant pot. He can detach himself easily from people. He’s built that way. I think he has his moon in Sagittarius. Anyway, I’ve spent a fortune on this takeout. Let’s get eating.”
I wonder what Danny’s moon is in? There’s no point in asking him as he thinks astrology is total nonsense. That’s not his main problem, though.
The problem is Danny is so twentieth century. Mum always says she likes that about him. He doesn’t live on his phone or through his phone. Yes, Mum, but it’s not 1993 and you are not in velvet hot pants at five in the morning enjoying a sunset in REAL LIFE. Old ravers like her make out like life was good before all this. It must have been dreadful. If your friend didn’t turn up, they just didn’t turn up. Aliens could have abducted them and you wouldn’t have found out for years, if ever!
I like to know where people are, so I like now in history. Even if that does mean that I know that Danny HAS seen my message and he’s choosing not to speak to me.
I wish I didn’t know that.
Mum puts the food in the microwave to reheat. Battered shrimp balls always make me feel better, even when they are a bit soggy. I’ll focus on my food and try to forget about the vlog.
As Mum has also got banana fritters and ice cream, I think I’ll be able to.