By the time school is over I can’t wait to see Danny. I’m ready to do a full life download. So much has happened—I need to tell him in person about my dad, my mum, all the vlog stuff, everything. I’m glad he’s recovered from his terminal man flu and he’s back in my zone of health and connection.
I feel a bit spoon and garbly. This is because I’m excited. I realize this doesn’t make sense but, you know what it’s like, love makes you a bit giddy and your toes end up somewhere near your brains.
When I get to Danny’s house, I have to ring the doorbell a few times. Mrs. Trudeau eventually answers the door. She’s normally firmly smart-casual (good Chanel-style jacket and perfectly fitted jeans), but today she is wearing a bright pink jogging suit. She’s also modeling a very weird face. She seems a bit off. I wonder if she’s just done a solid five miles or if she just been running after a solidly sick Danny. Perhaps Danny is one of these men who are really bad at being ill. She’s probably had to nurse him twenty-four hours a day and bring him comfort food. To be honest, it would get on my nerves fairly fast.
“Oh, hello, Millie,” she says with a bit of a grimace. “You’d better go upstairs.”
“You’d better go upstairs.” This does not sound good.
As I go up to Danny’s room, a million things go through my head. Has Mrs. Trudeau got post-jog calf cramps? Is Danny seriously ill, or has he got a second seriously hot girlfriend he hasn’t told me about? Why does the whole house feel weird? I notice that his mum has taken all the family photos down from the wall. There were lots of them in a collage. It looked fantastic. Why would she take something like that down?
Danny greets me by his door. He hugs me tightly, for a bit too long, like he is hanging on to a cliff.
“Millie—sit down,” he says somberly.
I finally realize what this is about. Danny is going to finish with me because of the vlog. He’s a very private guy, and he doesn’t want to be part of what I’ve become. The partner of someone sort-of-famous. He’s told his family he is going to do this, and they’ve moved all the pictures out of the way in case I completely lose my temper and smash them to pieces. It’s so unfair! I don’t deserve this treatment for being a success. I’m going to get in first.
“Look, if you’re going to dump me because of the vlog then you’re a sexist dinosaur. I will NOT feature you unless you want me to, and I won’t talk about us EVER without your permission. I DO want to be a success, though, and that’s a GOOD thing. Why wouldn’t you want that for me?! I know you don’t do social media and it’s not ‘you’ and that’s fine, but IT IS ME. I am a vlogger and girls will NOT be forced off the net by trolls or men who just don’t get it. Also, I am not going to break anything. You thinking that is just OFFENSIVE and telling your family I’m a danger is even worse!”
This is a great speech and it covers everything I am feeling, but Danny makes a “What the HELL are you talking about Millie?!” face.
“What?! I’ve never accused you of smashing anything.”
Now I’m confused.
“Whatever!” Danny says. “I don’t care about my privacy and all that. That’s not important right now. I’m sorry about your dad.”
“Look,” I reply, “it’s all right. I’m used to it. Dad has always lived in another country. We’ve always found a way to talk and it’s even easier now that I have my own phone. We make it work!”
Danny does one of those laughs that isn’t happy—it’s sort of sad.
“Yeah, I’m kind of banking on that,” he mumbles.
“You don’t need to bank on it,” I shout. I probably am acting like someone who could destroy photos now. “I am telling you it’s FINE. Honestly, there’s only a little time difference, really, and you just keep the communication going and it’s GOOD! I’m a veteran of it.”
“That’s what we’ll do, then,” Danny whispers.
“No,” I have to correct him, “that’s what me and Dad will do. You’re just around the corner! I can see you in real life. I can pinch you!”
And I pinch him a bit too hard and have to apologize as he yelps.
“Sorry, Danny! That demonstration went wrong. The point is…”
What is the point? I lose my train of thought.
“The point is, can you tell me what’s wrong and what the point is, because something obviously is wrong and I’m totally okay with my dad leaving!”
Danny pulls his duvet tightly around him and then takes hold of my hand. This is bad. I wonder if his gran has drowned trying to surf or something.
“Millie. We are going back to Canada at the end of this term. For good.”
You know when someone’s lips move and they are talking, but it’s not really going in your head? That’s what’s happening now.
Eventually my mouth moves.
“No, my dad is going. Not you! Are you feeling okay? Is your temperature up again? Do you want me to get your mum?”
For this first time in my life, I seriously consider giving Aunty Teresa a call to ask her about medical conditions that can make you a) wear your bedding and b) act delirious. As Danny’s mum was acting strange, too, it might be contagious. Perhaps they’ve been incubating it for months.
I sit back a bit. I don’t want to catch it.
Danny gets up and starts pacing around the room. His duvet now looks like a thick superhero cape. He rubs his hands together and inhales through his teeth.
It’s then I realize. This isn’t raccoon virus or maple leaf fever. This is anxiety. This looks like the start of a panic attack. The moment when your head realizes it is in at the deep end, and your body starts doing things by itself you don’t even realize. I, more than anyone, should have been able to recognize this.
Danny crouches down so that his face is level with mine. He looks me directly in the eye.
“No, I wasn’t ill. I just couldn’t face you. That’s what the big family meeting was about. Leaving. I didn’t know what to say. Especially after your dad announced his news.”
“What?” I can’t quite get this in my head. “When are you going?”
Danny pulls the duvet over his head so he is completely eaten by it. He says something, but he’s muffled.
I can’t believe I’m even saying this. “Danny, please come out of your blanket cave and tell me what the hell is going on.”
Danny emerges and sits beside me. For the next ten minutes I get the full story. His dad came home, gathered the family together, and told them that he’d been offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It was his ultimate job. Apparently, he’s had a mortal enemy in the same industry for years who always got the positions he wanted. He was always second best. This person has finally decided that she wants to travel the world for eighteen months so, whilst she’s in Thailand, Danny’s dad can finally get this dream gig. The problem is, it’s in Toronto, and it starts in a few weeks. Each member of the family had to vote yes or no. Everyone voted yes.
“Everyone?” I ask. “Even you?”
Danny sighs. “Sorry, Millie. Yes. Even me. Dad has worked so hard, and I couldn’t deny him. I knew this place was only ever going to be temporary. I just didn’t know it was going to be this fast. I’m not happy about it, either.”
I’m upset and outraged. In fact, I am many emotions in one handy package.
“You’ve only been here five minutes. Why even bother coming to school?!” I yell.
This isn’t nice, but I’m having trouble taking everything in.
Danny puts the duvet over his head again. It must be his security blanket. I go close to him so I can hear him.
“This is how my life is, Millie. I’m used to dropping into schools and dropping out again. It’s not this quick normally, but it is different this time. We’ll stay. Dad says this one is the big one. The last one. Pension. Condo. The whole package.”
I don’t really care about this. The last one and the big one is in Toronto. Anything that involves a plane journey is not good news. Also, I am not used to dropping in and out. I’ve been around this area all of my life. I don’t like change.
“But what about us?” I plead.
Danny is trying to make me feel better. “You just said it—about how you keep in contact with your dad. It’s fine! We can still see each other every day. We can talk all the time. We can keep us going through THIS.”
He holds up his ancient phone.
He doesn’t sound convinced, and his phone does not look convincing. In fact, this was the phone he once lost. He retraced his steps and realized he’d put it down in the supermarket. He went back to the store, and they’d found it and locked it away in a cupboard. When the young assistant handed it to him, she said, “Aww! Bless! You’ve recycled your nan’s old iPhone!”
It’s the sort of phone you can’t properly update anymore. It’s not the sort of phone that can sustain a relationship.
I can’t help myself—I start crying. OH GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Then Danny starts crying. We are an official blub-fest.
“Mills! No, no! I’ve had long-distance relationships before, and I’ve made them work.”
Strangely, this does not make me feel better.
“Hello!” I shout. “What about me? They must have ended for me to be your girlfriend! UNLESS you have a global network of women?”
This does sound ridiculous and we both smile a bit till I start crying again. I know Canada is Danny’s home. I know that he wants to and needs to be with his family. It’s all fair. It just SUCKS.
I need to get back in control of things. I let my anger take over a bit from my sadness. I’m sick of feeling lousy.
“I need you to know, Danny, that I’ve given up a lot for you.”
Danny stands back a bit.
“Have you? What?” he says irritably.
This is a good question and I’m not quite sure of the answer, so I say the first thing that pops into my head.
“Important time with my cat!”
We both laugh at this and spend the next few hours chatting till Mrs. Trudeau, who is clearly very stressed, tells Danny that he needs to have a wardrobe audit as their “container doesn’t have that much space.” I tell Danny that I better go as, in my experience, mums go from stress to fury in under a minute.
Just as I’m leaving, Danny whispers, “Do you mind if I talk to Dave separately? We’ve built a relationship up and I just want to be able to talk to her without you listening.”
“I think we can arrange that,” I tell him. “It’s important to consider her feelings.”
Why am I being so sensible about this? DANNY IS GOING AWAY! FOREVER! I should be hysterical.