I slouch home feeling completely miserable. On the way, just to make my walk a bit more interesting, I open my phone and I find another e-mail from Lydia Portancia. I know you’re not meant to walk and think but I don’t care.
Hello Millie.
I see your subscriber numbers are back up! See! This is what happens when you put yourself in the big league. You’re fast becoming a really big name in this business. Up the production values and you up those numbers! So excited to see your next vlog! L x
Not so long ago, all this would have thrilled me. Right now, I feel like replying,
“Dear Lydia!
Nearly everyone I remotely care about is leaving me. No one is developing supersonic travel seriously and can I tell you what I’ve noticed? Mum says troubles come in threes, but actually, men LEAVE in threes. Dad, Gary, and now Danny are all going and I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY VLOG AND I’M NEVER WEARING PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP AGAIN!”
But I am sensible and a coward so I just reply by saying, “Thanks,” with three kisses. I don’t like myself for this.
Mum says kisses are not professional, but I like to spread the love with random letters. Especially because I feel like I’ve given out too much negativity generally. Am I changing into a two-dimensional user?
It’s hard to not think karma is kicking me very hard in the butt.
I flick through Instagram and realize cosmic revenge is happening.
Erin has posted an incredible photo of herself in a space-glamour pose. She’s managed to make herself look as though she’s falling through space with some kind of epic starry background. She’s got different-colored contacts. Her eyes look otherworldly. Underneath, she’s written …
Off the planet with happiness today. My latest look—Universe Girl TM. Delighted to announce that I’m represented by Lydia Portancia. Follow me on insta and youtube for future tutorials on getting this and other new looks XX
Erin already has nearly as many followers as me and it’s compliments central with minimal trolling.
Now, I shouldn’t feel jealous or angry, but I do.
At times like this I need my best friend.
I text her. I keep it factual because if I don’t I will end up sobbing in the street. There’s nothing wrong with crying, but my face aches from it.
I fire off the message.
Danny is going back to Canada. Permanently. And Erin is massive on Instagram and now we have the same agent.
Lauren calls me immediately.
“No!” Lauren squeals. “That’s terrible. How did she manage that?!”
I think Lauren is focusing on the wrong thing here.
“By being fantastic at what she does! But that’s not the crisis— Danny!!”
“Is that the end, then?” Lauren asks.
“No! We’re going to have a long-distance relationship!”
“Aw! Great, Millie.” Lauren sounds completely unsure. “It’s just that … that is going to be challenging.”
This hesitation annoys me. I need total confidence. Challenging is the word we are told to use at school instead of the words difficult or impossible or hard. But we ALL know it means those things.
“No, I think we can do it. Seriously, I think we can keep our passion alive!”
This sounds ridiculous, but I’m not really thinking about what I’m saying at the moment. The paper shredder in my head that eats information is stuck. Everyone has tried to put too much in it. I’m malfunctioning.
Lauren then decides to say something that is both very silly and very annoying, but only because, in the back of my brain that is going wrong, I think it might be true.
“You know what?” she says slowly. It sounds like she is burping her brains. “Your life is like a soap at the moment. Perhaps it’s the curse … the curse of the vlog!”
What? I am regretting calling her a bit.
“I don’t know—it’s just weird that all this has happened to you. It’s like the universe is trying to teach you something.”
I can’t deal with philosophy right now, Lauren.
Lauren pauses. “Just remember, Millie, the more time you spend thinking about yourself the more you will suffer. My dad said it to me. Must have been in one of those weird books he reads, as he reckons a llama said it.”
Lauren means the Dalai Lama. He’s not a llama. He’s one of the world’s wisest men. Lauren gets mixed up with things like this, but I love her for it.
There’s a pause. Lauren’s brain is going other planet. I can hear it over the phone. I wish I had the ability to do this. She can just fly off to other head realms and leave the lands of annoying parents and disappearing boyfriends behind.
She’s on one now.
“Wouldn’t it be amazing if animals did start talking and they could tell us ALL their knowledge. A guru shark! Actually, no, that doesn’t work. Never go near anything that wants you for breakfast. And dinner. And a snack.”
Lauren can always make me smile when I need to feel better. Eventually, she comes back to earth.
“I’m sorry, Mills. Do you want me to come over?”
I tell her no. I just want to go home, eat some chocolate, and hibernate.
“Do it!” Lauren squeals. “I’ll come to yours over the weekend. My dad is coming anyway. He’s doing more bathroom stuff, I think. I think your mum likes the company.”