When I get to Granddad’s house the next day, Dad is all packed. He doesn’t have a suitcase. He has a huge shabby green duffel bag. He collects patches of where he has been. The bag is covered. He’s been everywhere. The only continent he hasn’t visited is Antarctica, and that’s only because budget airlines don’t fly there.
I have hardly been anywhere. I get anxiety going to the next city. I know he’s a lot older than me, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the bravery to do what he’s done and what he does. Not without a brain and body transplant. I can be brave on-screen but not off.
“Right, my fabulous daughter!” Dad exclaims. “Got a flight that leaves at three a.m., so I have to leave for the airport soon.”
This announcement makes me burst into tears. I’m SICK of being upset. I’m tired of good-byes. My face feels like a constant puddle. This is partly sobs at Dad, and mostly still the eye miseries from Danny, to be honest.
Aunty Teresa suddenly appears with a paper bag.
“Don’t worry, everyone! Millie is having a minor panic attack. Millie, sit yourself down in an upright position and breathe in and breathe out.”
This does not help at all.
“I’m not having a panic attack of any size. I’m just upset!” I yell.
Granddad stares at me. “She’s just having a mild attack of being a girl!”
This makes me furious, but I manage to say gently, “Granddad! People in the marines cry! It’s not a female thing. It’s fine. Didn’t you cry when Grandma died?!”
Why does this come out of my mouth? It’s true but it’s a bit mean. I’m not me. Whoever me is right now. It seems to change from hour to hour.
Granddad quivers a bit and mumbles, “Yes. But dead is different than Ibiza, Millie.”
I apologize immediately and try to hug Granddad, but he folds up like a cardboard box.
The whole situation gets a bit tense. Dad brings it back around to him.
“Look, Millie, you know how this works now. I’m not that far away. And there’s Messenger and WhatsApp and all that. How are things going with you?”
I try to put a positive spin on things.
“Bad. No, good—well, as Granddad has probably told you, my boyfriend is leaving and I get trolls on my vlog that say evil things and upset me. But I’m finding ways to work through it.”
“Here’s a thing, Millie,” Dad whispers like he is telling me some huge secret of life. “If someone upsets you, blank them. Ghost them. Pretend they don’t exist!”
This is a stupid suggestion made by someone who still thinks it’s 1995, but has learned the term “ghosting” by reading something on Reddit. I try to explain why it doesn’t work that way. With Dad it’s like I’m the adult.
“No. You can’t shut down everything in life that hurts and sweep all your feelings under the carpet. You seem to run away from everything that might cause pain. I’m not being Dr. Phil, but why don’t you just face up to the fact you are going away and we are going to miss each other and that HURTS. DEAL WITH THE REALITY!”
Dad tilts his head down and looks a bit shamefaced.
“Yes!” Teresa yells. “You HAVE to face up to your DEEP emotions, deal with them, and move on. This is why I looked up Marie Castellanos on Facebook! She made my life hell at school. I found her profile photo and shouted at it and then I moved on. I was cleansed of her bad energy and my past pain. She’s a dental nurse now. I bet she loves seeing people in agony! She’s just got back from Florida.”
“How do you know?” I ask.
Teresa pulls a face. “Obviously, I’ve had to look her up regularly to check she’s not after me.”
“Why would you torture yourself?” Dad says wearily. “I haven’t got enough time for the people I love, let alone the people I can’t stand. If people upset me, I just cut them out. Try it.”
Teresa and me look at each other and pull identical “He doesn’t really get it, does he?” faces. I’ve tried to explain. Sometimes you have to accept you can’t change people. In fact, all the time.
Dad looks at his watch. He’s one of the few people I know who tells the time with something on his wrist and not on his phone.
“Right, Millie, I’ve really got to go. I’ve got to get the bus to the airport seven hours early just in case of traffic.”
I hug Dad tightly. I’m already sick of good-byes. They make me sad. And I’ve got more to come. I take a photo of Dad’s bag and stick it on Instagram with this description.
Won’t be vlogging for a few days. My dad is going to live abroad again and I’m feeling a bit over it.
I can’t tell people about Danny yet. I just can’t face it. That’s for a time when I’m feeling a bit stronger. I don’t want everyone to see me crying. I am NOT a good crier. My face collapses.
On the way back to my house Granddad sends me a text with another flag.
Millie, this is Guatemala.
It has a lovely bird on it and guns.
Hope you’re okay.
I love Granddad even when he’s weird. He’ll never move abroad. Mainly because with his hip he can’t actually walk that far.
Once I get home, I go upstairs and realize that Rod, Lauren’s dad, is there working on the mortarboard. My mum is directing him like he’s someone she manages at work. Really, my mum bosses everyone around. I like that about her, though, and I like the fact that it’s just us again.
“Ah! Millie!” She looks really happy to see me and gives me a huge hug. Rod smiles and sings another song to Dave, who is perched near the shower head listening to every word.
“Isn’t Lauren with you?” I ask.
“Nah,” Rod says quietly. “She wanted some time with her mum. They are doing girl stuff. You know.”
“What IS girl stuff?” Mum asks him angrily.
Rod smiles. “Anything females want to do. Motocross. Heavy lifting. Clothes. Protesting. Designing bathrooms. Women can do what they like.”
Mum laughs at this and Rod grins at her and winks. Mum and Dave love Rod. They haven’t seen his temper like I have. I have seen his darker side. It’s not all silly songs and skills. He’s made my best friend’s life very tough at times. I’m a bit wary.
“Do you know what? What a great idea!” Mum says enthusiastically. “I thought we’d go to look at tiles this weekend. We can create our new bathroom together!”
I know Mum is trying to be kind, but I don’t think this is a good idea. She’s trying to take my mind off Danny and my dad with tiling but, yeah, my mum is trying to take my mind off some of the most emotional stuff in my life by going to the shop for little ceramic squares.
It doesn’t sound like the world’s most successful plan, but anything is better than sitting in my bedroom for too long thinking about my life and how it’s turning very odd karma corners.