As I get home, I have repeated the mantra “Danny is going” many times without folding into a miserable heap of blubs, and I am ready to vlog.
I sit myself in front of my desk in my room and set everything up. Normally, as soon as I get in, Dave would be trying to get some food off me, but she’s nowhere to be seen. I check in her panic room, behind the bookcase, and under my bed. I finally find her in the bathroom. Rod isn’t there, but Dave still looks like she’s waiting for him. I think Dave has a cat crush on Rod. She’s pining for him and his singing. When I pick her up, she tries to jump back into the empty bathtub. I have to coax her out with lots of strokes and a tickle between the ears. I also promise her some blue cheese and ham. We don’t have either, but one thing Dave cannot yet do is check the fridge on her own. This is sort of lying to her, but sometimes, when you’re vlogging, you have to do it. I carry her downstairs, collect some cereal boxes from the kitchen, and give her a standard mini fish cat treat. Dave is unimpressed.
When we are back in my room, I put Dave on my lap and press RECORD. I’m bare-faced and “me,” and Lydia is just going to have to deal with it.
Hi, everyone. I’ve got some huge news for you.
Hashtag Help my boyfriend is leaving and he’s going back to his home of Canada! Now, I think we can totally make it work. You tell me, though—can we? The main problem with Canada is this …
I get my children’s atlas out. It’s a bit embarrassing as it has a cute cartoon whale explaining facts about all the different oceans but it’s the only one I’ve got.
… look at Canada. It’s big. It’s huge. And it’s not near where I live. A massive amount of land mass full of fantastic wildlife like beavers.
Beavers are incredible. Say, if Dave were a beaver …
I start to put cereal boxes around Dave until she is completely surrounded.
… she would build her own dam. And there she would sleep, eat, and raise her young.
Dave looks horrified at this farce and show jumps out of the cereal-box dam without knocking a box over.
But, as you can see, Dave is not a beaver and I am not Canadian.
I’m asking you, really. Can this work? My friend Bradley had a long-distance relationship with a lift expert and um, yeah, he thinks it can.
Dave comes and sits directly in front of the phone.
Dave also wants to know, as you can see. Happy owner. Happy pet. She’s a bit sick of seeing me upset.
At this point, Dave decides she’s going to flop onto my cheek.
I know loads of you maybe feel the same way. I’m sorry things have been a bit heavy lately, but life has just felt really intense. Lots of things have changed, and—
Dave moves in front of my mouth. To avoid the risk of getting a furball, I stop talking for a moment until I can gently move her out of the way.
Dave has spoken and the people have spoken. Please leave a comment and subscribe, and we’ll talk again soon.
I look at Dave. “There’s no need to be quite so rude,” I tell her. Dave just shrugs and goes back to the bathroom. She goes and sits by the washing basket. My cat is in love with another human and I need to face that fact and upload another video. I am not going to check for comments in the middle of the night, either. This is a new, balanced Millie. I am going to practice mindfulness and fall asleep with thoughts of being a jet-set teen who can fly and see her boyfriend whenever she feels like it. I can hire a private tutor and do my high school exams in the first-class cabin. I have grown a bit of a Lauren lobe in my brain. It’s very unrealistic, but very comforting.