When I wake up, there’s no more messages from Danny, but Lauren has texted me.
Millie. We are coming to your house this morning early. You watch them. THEY ARE IN PROPER LOVE.
I am not waiting to see this nonsense. I decide to tackle Mum now. I march downstairs with a bit of a face on. It’s a mixture of Mum when she’s in full business mode and Dave when she hasn’t been fed.
Mum is making her breakfast. The kettle has boiled, but her coffee granules are dry. This is the optimum time to have a talk to her. She will be at her weakest.
“Mum,” I say very calmly. “Can we have a chat?”
Mum taps her hand on the countertop. “Of course we can, darling!”
Suddenly my brain can’t find the right words, so my mouth just comes out with something.
“Are you and Rod kissing?”
Mum stops tapping her hand and slowly turns around to look at me.
“Do you mean are Rod and I in a relationship? The answer is yes. I think we are. I just want a bit of fun, Millie. It’s nothing too serious. Rod is funny and spontaneous and I’m getting to live a bit. He’s going to take me to a Fleetwood Mac concert. Do you know, I think I’ve been a bit restricted when it comes to music. Some of the stuff from pre-1991 is excellent. I don’t see what the issue is. You get to hang with Lauren and I get to hang with Roddy.”
Roddy?!
In this moment, I have trouble formulating a sentence. I wonder who the hell this woman is! This is not my mum. This USED to be my mum. That’s why she ended up with my dad. When she was young she was a raver. Dance parties till dawn! Trance dance tunes! This WAS her. It’s not her now. My mum is sensible. She has relationships with people like Gary—men who are clean and make fish pie from scratch. Not men like Rod. He vapes with a raspberry flavor! He also needs to shower (NOT my words. The words of my mum before she started kissing him), AND he is my BEST FRIEND’S DAD! There’s a complete lack of imagination here.
More to the point, I’m going through one of the most stressful periods of my life and she drops this bombshell. I have grave concerns about this relationship. This may be my very sensible side reaching in to take control, but I think my sensible side is right.
Rod is a walking explosion of mess. Mum has only just finished a relationship with the world’s cleanest man! How can she go so fast from the—
Before I have more time to think, Rod comes into the kitchen and says, “Hello, Millie!”
I’m not proud to tell you that I pull my exceptionally suspicious face. My eyes slide down to meet my cheeks.
Rod doesn’t notice and Dave rushes into his arms. He sings a song to her. “You’re a really cool cat/Feline—you’re fat/Sit on the mat/Would you like a tuna-filled crepe?/Or a smoky chicken vape?”
“Millie,” Mum exclaims excitedly. “You could get Rod on the vlog!”
I could not. “Hashtag Help! My Mum’s Boyfriend Thinks He’s John Lennon” would not be a popular upload.
No. I am not doing that. But I can think of something I can do.