CHAPTER 29

“How bad is it?” Carmen stood in front of the neurologist, Rafe and Felice right behind her.

“It was a TIA, nothing like the one he had years ago. We’ve treated him with medication, and we’ll monitor him overnight. He’s stable and he’s showing no other symptoms.”

“And what is his prognosis?” she asked. “Do you feel like this is a precursor for another major stroke?”

“Not at all. If he keeps taking his meds—and continues with his therapy, he should recover just fine. They should be transferring him up to a room shortly.”

Carmen nodded. “Thank you, Dr. Alou.”

She exhaled but couldn’t seem to get warm. Her entire body was covered in goose bumps, and her legs were shaking.

“Do you want some coffee?” Rafe asked.

She gave him a short nod. “That’d be great, thanks.”

“I’ll be right back. How about you, Felice?”

“I’m good, honey, but thank you.”

After Rafe walked away, Carmen turned to Felice. “Tell me what happened.”

“We were just sitting on my back porch watching the lightning. I have a great view of the ocean, and Jimmy likes that. And suddenly he started talking to me but only gibberish was coming out of his mouth. I asked him questions, and I could tell he was trying to answer me, but nothing of what he said made any sense.”

Carmen nodded. “Typical stroke symptom.”

“So I called 911 immediately, and an ambulance came. By then he was already starting to come out of it, but I didn’t want to take any chances. Plus he was a little shaken up, and he said he didn’t remember anything of what had just happened.”

Carmen laid her hand over Felice’s arm. “You did the right thing. You must have been so scared. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“Honey, I’m not afraid. Jimmy’s a strong man. He’ll be just fine. Though I think we need to put him on a better diet. That man eats a lot of junk food. I’ve been doing some research, and diet can be so important in reducing his chances for a repeat stroke.”

She loved how much Felice cared about him. “That’s a good idea. We’ll talk about that.”

“Let’s go into the room,” Felice said, putting her arm around Carmen. “I know he’ll want to see you.”

They had been in the waiting room, since the team had been doing tests on her grandfather. As a nurse, waiting outside the room while other medical professionals worked on her grandpa had been so difficult for her. But she also knew the worst thing to do was get in the way of the medical team, so she’d stayed in the waiting area. Now the only thing she wanted to do was see her grandfather, to assess for herself that he was all right.

She passed the main nurses station where she worked in the daytime, saw nurses that she occasionally worked with when they switched shifts. She saw the sympathy on their faces. They also knew how hard it was to be on the other side of the care team. She nodded at them as she made her way into her grandfather’s room, then put on her best smile.

“Hey, Grandpa,” she said.

He appeared to be in decent shape. Almost his usual self, in fact, though he had some dark circles under his eyes. She took a glance at the monitors, making sure that all his vitals looked normal.

They did, which gave her some comfort.

She leaned over, brushed his white hair from his face and kissed his forehead.

“Hey, bebita. I’m sorry about all this.”

“Shh, Abuelo. Nothing for you to be sorry about. How are you feeling?”

“Tired. I want to go home and sleep in my own bed.”

“You will soon enough.”

He looked up at her with confusion in his sweet eyes. “I don’t know what happened. One minute, Felice and I were having a nice conversation about the storm coming in, and the next, I was being loaded up into an ambulance.”

She felt for him, for how traumatic this experience must have been for him. “Everything will be fine now. The doctor said you had a ministroke and there’s nothing to worry about, and you shouldn’t have any repeat episodes.”

“That’s what he told me. I don’t want to go through that big one again. I’ve worked hard for so long to make it back from that one. No steps backward.”

“Eating less fried foods might help keep your cholesterol down,” Felice said, coming around to the other side of the bed to squeeze his hand.

“And you’ll be the one to keep me on that new diet, won’t you, my love?”

Felice leaned over and gave him a short kiss, then pressed her hand to his cheek. “You know I will.”

Carmen could hardly hold back the tears. Between her and Felice, she knew they could get her grandfather healthy again.

The door opened, and Rafe walked in. “There’s my buddy.”

Her grandfather smiled. “Hey, Rafe.”

“Just lying around like you’ve got nothing better to do, I see.”

“Well, you know, I like the attention.”

Rafe cracked a smile. “Who doesn’t?” He handed the cup of coffee to Carmen.

“Thanks,” she said.

“So? How you feeling?” Rafe asked.

“Like a house fell on me. Mainly because it’s past my bedtime and no one will let me sleep.”

Rafe nodded. “Yeah, hospitals will do that to you. Those nurses are so mean.”

Carmen frowned. “Hey.”

Rafe nudged her with his shoulder. “I didn’t say you were mean. Just those other nurses.”

One of those other nurses just happened to come in. “We have the transfer papers for your grandfather, Carmen, so they’ll be in shortly to take him up to his room.”

“Thanks, Steph.”

It took another hour to get her grandfather moved and settled into his room, then hooked up to all the monitors and have his vitals taken. By then, Carmen could tell he’d had enough. She’d already sent home an exhausted Felice, who promised she’d be back first thing in the morning.

Once she was sure her grandfather was settled and asleep, she and Rafe left for the night, with explicit instructions to the night nurse to notify her if there were any changes.

Then they climbed into Rafe’s truck. She barely even noticed the streetlights as he drove. All she could think of was her grandfather’s face in the ER, how vulnerable he had looked, and how she’d been on the beach, out of touch, when he’d needed her the most.

She hadn’t even answered her phone when it had buzzed. She’d been so into her own feelings, her own needs, she’d ignored the most important phone call of her life.

“I should have been there,” she said.

“What?”

“He had a stroke, and I wasn’t there to take care of him.”

“He wasn’t even home, Carmen. He was at Felice’s house.”

“But if I had been available, I could have seen to him right away. I could have done something. Maybe they could have both been at the house.”

He made the turn onto the highway. “You’re not even making sense, babe.”

She tucked her hair back behind her ears, feeling as if she was doing this all wrong, as if she had her priorities upside down. She’d been there for her grandfather since his stroke, had helped him get stronger. Lately, she hadn’t been there for him because she’d been spending all her time fooling around with Rafe, and now this had happened.

She’d dropped the ball, big-time, and it had cost the one person who loved her without reservation.

She pressed her hand against her stomach, hardly able to breathe as the impact of it all hit her squarely in the center of her being.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“What doesn’t?” he asked.

“You and me. I can’t do this. I can’t be with you and take care of my grandfather at the same time, Rafe. I can’t spread myself that thin. I have a job that demands so much of my time, and when I’m not doing that, I have to focus on his health. Everything was fine before.”

He exited the highway and pulled over onto a side road, put the truck in park and turned to face her. “Before what? Before you and me?”

She turned, too. “Yes. He was fine. He was getting healthy, and I was taking care of everything for him. And then I slipped. I started going out with you, and spending time with you, and I . . . I lost my focus.”

“You couldn’t have prevented his stroke tonight, Carmen. You’re a nurse. You know that.” He reached for her, but she recoiled, pushing herself against the door of the truck.

“I don’t know that. How do I know that, when I haven’t even been paying attention? Felice knows. She’s been paying attention to his diet and his exercise and everything about him. Me? I have no clue, because I’ve been giving all my attention to you, when I should have been giving my attention to my grandpa.”

Rafe started to speak. Stopped. Then started again.

“Look. I get it. You’re stressed and upset. You need to give it some time. Get a good night’s sleep. By tomorrow—”

She shook her head. “No. Don’t patronize me like I’m some idiot. I know what I’m talking about. He needs me. I’m sorry, but he needs me more than you do. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

“So, what? You’re breaking up with me? You can’t have both of us in your life so you’re dumping me?”

She turned and looked down at her hands. “Yes. I’m sorry. I have to do this for my abuelo.”

“This is ridiculous. Come on, Carmen. You don’t mean that. What we have together is special. If you need help taking care of your grandfather, I’ll be there for you. I’ll help you.”

“I don’t need help. I don’t need the distraction.”

She raised her gaze to his, her entire body filled with misery. “I don’t need you. I can do this alone.”

He went quiet and turned to face the street, his fingers gripped tight to the steering wheel. She thought maybe he’d say something else. Instead, the silence was like a giant boulder suffocating her in the truck.

Finally, he put the truck in gear and drove the few miles to their houses. He pulled into her driveway. She unbuckled her seat belt and started to pull the door open, but his hand on her wrist stopped her.

“I love you, Carmen. I kept waiting for the right time to tell you, but I guess there never is a right time. And I think you’re wrong about this, but I will never make you choose between family and me. Family always comes first. I know that better than anyone. But if you ever need me, for anything, I’m right next door. All you have to do is ask.”

Tears pricked her eyes, and it was all she could do not to burst into sobs right there in the truck. She wanted more than anything to fling herself against him and cry, and ask him to hold her until all of what she felt—the hurt, the fear, the uncertainty—went away.

She needed him. Now more than ever. But she had to do this herself, had to eliminate the one thing from her life that made her lose her focus. And that one thing was Rafe.

So instead, she nodded and slid out of the truck, shutting the door behind her.

She walked into the house and turned on the light, the emptiness of the house making her feel lonely.

Empty.

She didn’t have her grandfather here. She didn’t have Rafe.

Right now, she had nothing.

She turned off all the lights, went into her room and closed the door.