12

Cancer-Free

‘Feelings are like chemicals; the more you analyse them the worse they smell.’

—Charles Kingsley

With each chemo session my cancer markers started coming down. Zeena-ji and Jagat-ji, meanwhile, did my gene mutation test and discovered that I was BRCA-positive. This meant that I was susceptible to other cancers too. When I was told this, I sobbed the whole day, feeling sad at my destiny.

Knowing my emotional state, Zeena-ji came to visit me the next day. She informed me that her experience of working in the Lung Cancer Lab had made her realize that patients with mutated genes lived longer. While being BRCA-positive increases the chances of getting cancer, the good thing is that chemo works very well on them. That was the secret of my cancer markers falling so rapidly.

A piece of good news suddenly came my way. Instead of six months, my chemotherapy was now getting reduced to four months—April, instead of June. The reason was that I had responded well to the treatment. My heart soared.

This was manna from the heavens.

My body had been battered by four months of rigorous chemotherapy. Thirtieth April 2013 was the day of my last chemo session. Until then I had felt like a soldier who had injured his unarmed body and was debating which was better—to live or to die peacefully? But now life was showing me a tantalizing promise.

Spring was giving way to summer.

Soon, people would be out frolicking in the flower-decked parks, soaking in the sun and celebrating life.

Should I dare to dream that I will be among them?

In a fit of generosity, I said to myself: Of course! Go ahead and dream. You deserve to after what you have been through!

But I could not be too certain yet. All I knew was that I needed my cancer markers to become zero.

I decided to pray more intensely, deeply and strongly.

Like an impulsive child, I sought Dr Chi out and asked him with a big smile: ‘Dr Chi, is it possible for the cancer markers to become zero?’

‘You should not be worried.’

‘No, no,’ I argued, ‘I want them to become zero!’

He laughed merrily. He was empathetic, very approachable and responded to the silliest of questions. My bond with both Dr Chi and Dr Makker had become very deep as we spent a lot of time together. I had got to see their warm, human side and felt immensely indebted to them.

In the days that followed, I remember praying fiercely to the divine. My silver padukas became my lifeline.

‘Make my markers zero. ZERO! ZERO! Do you hear me?’

Almost like a wish fulfilment, my cancer markers dropped from forty to an impressive nine. But a perfectionist at heart, I refused to let go.

I kept sending frantic prayers to the one above and chanted like an obsessive woman. ‘Zero! Zero! Zero!’

A few days later, magically, the count dropped to five.

Smiling and his eyes crinkling, Dr Chi told me that it was quite unusual for the markers to go below five.

Yet, having reached so far, I refused to give up. ‘Zero! Zero! Zero!’

I could well have been an avid watcher of the Sensex in reverse.

I began chanting a lot. I would start the day with three japa malas. I would then chant the Surya Mantra. I followed this up with reciting the Oneness Mool Mantra 108 times during the day. Slowly, I started adding more mantras, ‘I am healed . . . I am healed.’ I would count the 108 beads several times over. I would do it silently and sometimes loudly too.

During my morning walks I would take my mala and keep chanting, ‘I am strong . . . I am strong . . . My immune system is robust . . . My immune system is robust . . . ’ I was also doing a lot of positive visualizations during my morning walks. I would visualize a bright colour—like the yellow rays of the sun—smashing the green, spiky cancer cells into pieces. I would also look straight into my eyes in the mirror and keep telling myself, ‘I am strong . . . I am strong.’ I kept trying to feed my subconscious with healing affirmations.

At night, just before going to sleep, I would protect myself with the Gayatri Mantra.

I don’t know what worked, but continuing their downward journey, my cancer markers now became a commendable three!

During this time, I was always looking up stuff and collecting information from many sources, including books on naturopathy, Ayurveda and homeopathy to become an informed patient. I was obsessed with finding out alternative ways of healing. So while we were getting the best medical treatment we also tried out everything that was good for my body. We were hands-on with my healing process. We were all overjoyed when the chemotherapy worked and the cancer markers came down significantly.

As an Asian family living in an unfamiliar country, it was difficult to try out everything we could. We experimented with everything that my close well-wishers felt would work—nutritional interventions, walks, watching light-hearted movies, japa mala prayers, visualizations, developing a strong bond with the divine and even acupuncture that we discovered in the naturopathic section of Sloane Kettering. Needless to say, I remain deeply grateful to all the prayers and the wishes of all my fans. They helped me bounce back.

***

I remember that day clearly. It was 30 April. I was waiting anxiously for my blood report.

My anxiety prevented me from sitting still. I got up and walked to the coffee shop nearby. My eyes fell on two cute little girls. They must have been around two years old and looked like twins. I looked longingly at them and at their lucky mother.

One girl, who wore a pink frock and a pink bow on her straw-coloured hair, was clutching on to a Cabbage Patch doll. The doll seemed chewed on, jumped on and rather ragged. But she held on to it with a lot of love.

Looking at me smiling at the babies, the mother said, ‘Oh, she holds on to her doll as if she is holding on to life itself!’

Just then, her twin, dressed in a tiny pair of jeans and a yellow top, came near her with an angry look in her beautiful blue eyes. Storming towards her sister, she grabbed the doll and threw it on the floor.

Her sister began to cry so loudly that the mother had a hard time shushing her up. It was only when the mother pulled the doll in question from the little bully that the little angel felt comforted.

Holding it tight against herself once again, the girl smiled a gorgeous smile. All was well once again in her little world.

It was a simple scene I had witnessed, but one that gave me hope. The pink-frocked girl had been holding on to her doll as if it were life itself. And she had felt threatened that she would lose it. But her story had a happy ending. She got her doll (life) back.

I found the situation symbolic of what I was going through. In a strange way, I felt reassured that I too would get a happy ending.

My blood report would be given to me any time now. Would it make me smile? Would all be well in my world again?

I returned from my walk and went up to the women’s section where I was greeted by a nurse who led me to Dr Makker’s room.

Dr Makker had a big smile on her face.

‘Congratulations, Manisha! You are CANCER-FREE!