20

Not Only through the Male Gaze

‘Just as the pure white lotus flower blooms unsoiled in muddy water, our lives, which are supremely noble, can continue to shine even amid life’s harshest realities.’

—Daisaku Ikeda

The other day, a man wrote on my Twitter handle: ‘You look old!’ It sounded as if being old was a curse.

I felt like writing back, ‘Of course I am old. I will soon turn fifty. So what?’

This year, in 2018, I rang in my forty-eighth birthday in style by inviting several of my close friends from the film industry. I had the five-star venue decked up enchantingly with flowers and made it a joyous white-themed party. So much for a birthday at this age? Of course! I have stared at death from such close range that each year added to my life is a cause for celebration.

And this brings me to the issue of women and ageing, a subject I feel strongly about.

One of the infallible laws of nature is that every human will pass through four stages—birth, ageing, sickness and death. Some will experience the ravages of time in a harsher way, while for others it may not be so. But they will experience it.

Despite knowing this, as a society, we judge women using a stricter yardstick. We expect them to be walking around like ornamental, fragrant flowers, looking fresh, breathtaking and desirable throughout their lives. This is particularly true about our expectations from celebrities.

Why don’t we judge men as harshly? An older man is ‘seasoned and mature’, whereas a woman is ‘old and past her prime’.

What this does is put too much of pressure on women to remain youthful for as long as they can, often forcing them to go to great lengths to achieve these elusive standards. As for men, have you seen how silly an aged man looks with a young beauty on his arms? And have you noticed the sense of pride he feels in having it all—money, status, young women—despite his paunch and bald head?

It is as if ageing men are trapped in a room, surrounded by mirrors on all sides, each reflecting the age they imagine themselves to have frozen at. I do not mean to be critical of anyone. Each one to his own. If that makes you happy, go ahead. But why have different standards for women?

This attitude seeps into our films too, where a man in his fifties can romance a girl in her twenties, but a heroine quickly loses her ‘shelf life’. As if we were a carton of perishables! This is why very few meaningful roles are being written for women past their prime.

But things are changing, though slowly. There is reason for hope. I picked up the role of a middle-aged woman in Dear Maya (2017) in which the whole film revolved around her character. Before that, I played a middle-aged woman in a Kannada film. This year too, in 2018, I did two movies. Though they were short roles, they were powerful ones. Next year, I am acting in two movies and they both have excellent scripts with strong women characters. Of course such scripts are few and far between, but that suits me fine.

In between, I get time to do the things I love and realize my other dreams and aspirations. Some of these are: going to Kathmandu and staying with my family; working on my book; trekking and hiking; doing cancer awareness programmes, cleaning River Bagmati and so on. Professionally, I am largely content. However, I still long to see a woman past her forties playing the protagonist. I want to see that happening in my lifetime.

I would love to see forty-plus women blossoming to their full potential—career-wise, family-wise and in every aspect of their lives. And yes, I would love to have more roles with excellent scripts and great directors.

I believe that just as a fruit ripens in season, age brings with it more beauty. A woman gets blessed with deeper perspectives, maturer outlooks and more layers to her personality that were earlier unexplored and unexpressed. Having lived through life’s twisted turns, she becomes nothing short of a marvel of nature worked on by Time. I mention here six inspirational women from three countries who have shaped me—Nepal’s Sushila Ama (my grandmother) and my mother; India’s Sarojini Naidu and Maharani Gayatri Devi; and Maya Angelou as well as Oprah Winfrey of the US.

I believe in the concept of celebrating life’s every season. It takes sunshine and showers to make us blossom fully. And when we have blossomed, the skin does begin to sag a little, the wrinkles do appear around the mouth and eyes. I say, it is okay! That’s how it’s meant to be!

As women, let us wear these ‘wisdom lines’ as our badges of pride and honour, of marks left behind after fighting life’s battles bravely. And let us see the streaks of lightning in our hair as symbols of victory and triumph. Aren’t soldiers proud of theirs wounds and scars? So why should we get shamed into hiding ours?

Cancer has flooded me with new wisdom, new realizations and new questions.

My resolve now is to live a life of moderation and balance. When this book hits the stands, you might just see me everywhere, urging you to live such a life too in the interest of your own health. I reiterate: Health is our most precious possession.

And now, I have a few pointers dedicated to my women readers. Like a flooded river leaves behind rich deposits of silt, cancer left behind many learnings for me. It brought calmness and mindfulness. It taught me to never devalue myself. To be grateful for each precious moment and live it fully.

Please take what I write below as precious lessons I have picked up from my life’s journey. The insights may not be new. You may know them already, but we women do need to be reminded of their importance once in a while.

Stop the Blame Game

It seems blaming ourselves is inbuilt into our systems. As if guilt trips were not bad enough, we happily take on ourselves the blame of everything going wrong in our lives. Call it years of conditioning. Evolved as I dare consider myself to be, even I have to consciously watch myself from overthinking if I brought cancer upon myself.

I? Causing it? There, you see?

I remember Dr Makker telling me: ‘If at all your cancer recurs, do not blame yourself as you did not cause it.’ I am certain one of her women patients (or several) may have shared with her the blame game they whipped themselves with.

So ladies, I urge you to drop this toxin right now!

Banish Negativity

Experience has taught me that there is a strong connection between the body, mind and spirit. Dr Narula is my rakhi brother. Both he and his wife, Zeena-ji, were a strong support system during my treatment. Dr Narula’s advice and my own research have taught me that non-communicable diseases are lifestyle illnesses.

A healthy lifestyle can keep many diseases away. I build my motivational talks around the country based on this wisdom. An acidic body becomes host to illnesses. Dwelling constantly on negativity directly impacts health.

Emotion, or e-motion, is energy in motion. Allow it to come, but also allow it to drift away. Emotions like anger, jealousy and anxiety, if harboured too long in the body, make it acidic. And that’s where the problem starts. Do not try being a people-pleaser at the cost of your health. It’s just not worth it. Stay in balance and always remain aware of maintaining harmony between the mind, body and spirit.

So ladies, surround yourself with positive friends and influences. Flood your life with sunshine!

Taking Responsibility of Your Health Parameters

I now realize how unaware I was of the negative effect IVF injections could have on someone who was BRCA-1 positive. Dr Chi had told me that this cancer affects older women and he was surprised I had been struck by it in my forties itself. How I wish I had informed myself better!

So ladies, read up and arm yourself with knowledge. Your body is the only vehicle you have to travel through in this life!

Look up to Yourself

When I was at my lowest phase in life, a horrible picture of mine hit the newspapers. I was coming out of a pub drunk and the camera flashlights had caught me. I looked like a stricken deer caught in the headlights of a car.

I hated the way I looked. Fat and messed up. But this
was not the only time. YouTube videos had shamed me earlier.

I decided this had to stop. I called out to the little girl inside me who had surprised everyone with top grades when taunted. I nudged awoke the little girl who, even in moments of distress, had refused to make a public spectacle of herself. She would shed tears behind the closed doors of the bathroom. I saw this young actress who had emerged strong in the face of adversity several times. I marvelled at the woman who had survived cancer so commendably. I felt a rush of pride for her. And suddenly I loved this girl-woman.

Ladies, please cast a fond look back at your journey and pat yourself on the back right now!

Nurture Yourself

Don’t sacrifice yourself at the family altar. Don’t spread yourself until it hurts. You are the fulcrum around which your family revolves. You need to be in good health for you to take care of your family.

Cancer has taught me to not seek validation from another person. If you do, you will get disappointed often. Life has now taught me to use my inner compass and judgement to decide my steps forward. I will do nothing to dishonour myself.

So ladies, make self-love and self-nurturing your mantras!

Heal Yourself and Keep Growing

Books, art therapy and music have become the pillars of my life. Art therapy uses therapeutic techniques as a creative method of expression. For me, it is all about expressing myself. I feel any emotion, pain or anxiety, if unexpressed, becomes toxic.

The music I listen to is always soothing, meditative and calming. Instrumental music, particularly the flute and the piano, are my favourites. I love listening to nature’s sounds too—of the sea, of the wind, of the rainforest. I am also a fan of jazz music. When in New York, I love going to jazz clubs. I love the way the music resembles a story and has a beginning, middle and end. I enjoy the way one piece flows into another and becomes an enchanting story, staying on in your memory for a long time.

At the end of this book, you will find a list of some of the resources that have helped me grow. I have derived a lot of strength and wisdom from them. I can happily say that I am strong, calm and peaceful because of these resources.

I mention below some insights I have gleaned from my self-search. I could tide over my dark times because of these precious gems of wisdom. Perhaps they might help you too.

Keep checking these four quotients regularly:

When you answer these honestly, you realize that over time you have become a true woman. And that discovery will be the biggest gift to yourself.

Ladies, let us rejoice in the ripeness of age and glow in the radiance of acceptance. Life is meant to be a celebration. Let’s begin celebrating ourselves—wrinkles and all. Let us stop chasing perfection.

We form one half of humanity. We have given birth to those very men who often run us down, ravage us and feel ‘entitled’ to dominate over us. Worse, we endanger our own species right from the womb, because we feel we are not good enough to be accepted in this male-dominated world.

Can we change our attitude to ourselves? Can we first become fiercely proud of who we are? Can we begin supporting our fellow sisters as our own, instead of running them down? Can we build, not tear down? Can you imagine what a world it would be in which women become strong supporters of each other? There’s so much power in that!

But for that to happen, we need to first accept our worth. To recognize that we are limitless, borderless, infinite and simply unstoppable. Can we become the change we expect society to reflect?

Let us not expect others to define us. We are the seekers and the sought; we are the givers and the gifts; we are the creation and the creators.

In short, we are woman.

This is not a word, phrase or sentence. It is the kind, compassionate, nurturing, healing power of the universe.

It is complete.