21

Living the New Me

‘Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.’

—Unknown

Months of intense inner gardening has revealed a new friend to me—Manisha. With this joyous, wiser, confident, glorious new being by my side, I am ready to take on the world. Ready for the challenges life will unfold before me. I have now developed a new skill set to handle it.

This new me has given birth to the ‘Koirala woman’ inside me. That grit remained with me while acting. I remember my screen test for 1942: A Love Story. Veteran film-maker Vidhu Vinod Chopra had called me to do a scene. But to my disappointment, at the end of it he remarked: ‘Manisha, you were shit. You’re a terrible actress.’

This was not acceptable to me. The warrior woman inside me had been challenged. I requested him to give me twenty-four hours to come back for a second chance. Back home, I practised my lines passionately, over and over again, until my mother became distressed at my state.

‘What are you doing to yourself? It’s okay if you don’t get this movie. Don’t kill yourself over it.’

Next day, I poured my soul into my performance. Vidhu remained silent for long, as if in a daze. And then he said the words that were music to my ears: ‘If this is the heart and soul that you promise to put into each scene of my movie, I will sign you up instead of Madhuri Dixit. Manisha, yesterday, you were at zero. You are at a hundred today.’

And that is how I got signed for 1942—a movie that became a box-office hit and had critics describing me as a powerhouse of talent.

Reinvented, renewed and realigned, I have now set clear boundaries around me. My constant struggle is to shatter my hardness and yet not become vulnerable.

Do I still want a boyfriend? Of course I do!

But now I will allow someone into my sacred space only after putting him through a thorough check. I refuse to experience another heartbreak. So what is it I’m looking for?

Someone who is my equal, understands me, respects everything I have been through. A partner who has resolved or is in the process of resolving his own issues. Someone who is willing to help me work through mine and is open to letting me help him through his. In short, a mature, spiritual, financially stable, accomplished good-looking man. In that order. Too much to ask for? Maybe. Will I find him? I don’t know. Will I compromise on this? Never.

Until then, I will remain self-contained, whole and happy in my own company, much like a precious oyster in its pretty shell.

So has cancer changed me? Yes.

In the morning of my newness, I find myself washed of unnecessary trappings—just like rain washes out yesterday’s grime. Designer clothes and bags are mere possessions now, not obsessions. Relationships are precious, not merely timepass. Drama is something I restrict only to my screen performances. I went through immense pain to cleanse my emotional life of negativity and toxic people, situations and relationships. In place of this clutter, my day is now filled with health and nutrition regimens, exercise, yoga and pranayama. I have restarted my career in films. I am deeply grateful for this chance, just as I am deeply grateful for anything life gives me now.

If I was a weak tree earlier, ready to topple at the first strong breeze that blew at me, I am now a deep-rooted banyan. I have branched out in many directions, expressing all my multifaceted sides.

As a motivational speaker, I share precious life lessons at various schools, hospitals and organizations.

As a United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) goodwill ambassador, I have seen the enormous suffering people lived through and are living through after the Nepal earthquake in 2015. I have done my bit to coordinate and provide relief work in the affected areas. A lot, however, still remains to be done.

As a social worker, I am also actively involved in working with organizations to promote women’s rights and the prevention of violence against women and human trafficking of Nepali girls for prostitution.

I feel expanded in heart, generous in spirit. It is my time under the sun now. I am burning with the desire to give back to society.

I think cancer came into my life as a gift. My vision is sharper, my mind clearer, my perspective realigned. I have succeeded in transforming my passive-aggressive anger and anxiety into more peaceful expressions. But hey, I am still human! So they do leak out sometimes. This means I am still a work in progress. But I am definitely a better person now—kinder, more generous and disarmingly genuine.

I have changed from the inside. And so has my world.

I remember being frightened at my re-entry into films.

Would the audience accept me? Would they write me off?

That’s when I read the empowering words of Daisaku Ikeda,
‘Life is filled with potential that is truly unfathomable . . . That is why we must never write anyone off. In particular, we mustn’t put boundaries on our own potential. In most cases, our so-called limitations are nothing more than our own decision to limit ourselves.’

At first it was difficult for me to take on the role of a character artist as I had been used to playing the heroine. Then I saw the blessing in this. Having plunged into the depths of my emotions, I could now express the intricate complexities, deeper nuances and profounder layers of each character.

I began my second innings hesitatingly, with a Kannada film. And then, in 2017, I was offered Dear Maya—a dark film about an elderly woman whose face mirrors her intense feelings. Drawing from the depths of my own darkness, I performed like never before. Would I have been able to enact such a role before I had been diagnosed with cancer? Maybe yes! Who knows?

I no longer sign films mindlessly. I do so only if they are meaningful and intense.

In December 2016, casting director Mukesh Chhabria called me up in Kathmandu. He informed me that Raju sir (Hirani) wanted me to play the role of the iconic Nargis, who had tragically lost her life to pancreatic cancer at the age of fifty-one.

No! My heart screamed.

Everything about this offer seems frightening. How can I play a cancer patient? How can I handle those fears again? How can I depict the talented Nargis-ji? How can I play the mother of Ranbir Kapoor? Isn’t he just a decade younger to me?

Still undecided, I flew to Mumbai ten days later and decided to visit Raju sir’s film set.

My meeting warmed my heart. I was welcomed back with immense love and joy. What a positive environment greeted me! The film set overflowed with happiness and team spirit.

No wonder Raju Hirani’s films capture goodness and warm-heartedness so beautifully on screen. These feelings are born out of the atmosphere he cultivates while shooting.

Instinctively, I went up to Raju sir and smiled my acceptance.

Working with Raju sir, mingling with Imtiaz, talking to the supremely talented and sweet Ranbir, I realized how cinema has changed from our times. It is now so open, warm, friendly and safe. What is paramount is a good script, a talented crew and a great product.

Within this foundation, an original, unique work is born. This is the reason so much experimentation and diversity can be seen in films today.

In short, I love this new ‘film home’ that has sprouted out here and do want to continue being a part of it. I hope I have just showcased the tip of the iceberg of my talent. The real stuff still remains unexplored within me.

My needs are different now. The new me will not settle for mere existence. I will reach out for adventures that warm the soul. I will reach out for what makes my cells dance with joy. I need to keep growing. I have finally embraced life and I think it has embraced me back.