Hannah didn’t sleep. Couldn’t sleep. Her brain had been on overload, flashing images of Sasha and Charlie all night long. She groaned and finally crawled from her useless bed into the bathroom where she splashed warm water on her face. She groaned again when she caught sight of her reflection. She looked like over-tanned hell if there was such a thing. She had the dark circles under her eyes, deadness in her irises, and the deep abyss to nowhere in her pupils.
She was familiar with the look, but she’d never seen it quite so bad before. Unable to stand to look at herself any longer, she swept her hair into a ponytail and walked back into the bedroom to pull on mesh shorts and a sleeveless shirt. She slid into her Adidas trainers, grabbed her phone and earphones, and crossed the house to the stifling backyard. She didn’t bother getting a water bottle; she’d make herself earn that.
She tucked the earphones into her ears and scrolled to the song that had been replaying in her mind throughout the night. The beat started up on “Hostage” by Nothing But Thieves, and she lay down on the weight bench under the patio and began pumping out reps. She started out low on the weight but lifted until her arms and chest quivered. The music pushed her and pressed her. She put the song on repeat and did more reps. Then she adjusted the bench, moved the bar back, and did incline presses. She worked until she was burning, until she was breathless, all the while thinking of nothing but Sasha and their life together. She worked until she was forced to stop, unable to do any more hammer curls. She set down the weights and rested her arms on her knees. Sweat dripped off her face onto her shorts. She didn’t bother to wipe it away, for it was Sasha exiting her body. She was sweating out Sasha. Lifting away the past and all the love and laughter. And it felt wonderful. Painful. Agonizing.
She heard the Arcadia door slide open, but she didn’t have the strength or the desire to see who it was.
“Here,” Casey said, placing a hand on her back. He gave her a cold bottle of water. She promptly poured half of it over her head, causing her to gasp, and then she gulped down the rest.
“Thanks,” she managed.
Casey leaned against the patio post and crossed his arms. He, too, was wearing mesh workout shorts and a tee. Only he was barefoot and his hair was messy from sleep.
“So, whatcha doin’, Mom?”
“Working out.” She pointed at another set of weights.
“I can see that,” he said. “Question is, why?”
“I have to.”
“You have to?”
“Yes. Hand me those will ya?”
He brought her the twenty-pound set of hand weights. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough for one day?”
She grunted as she tried to lift one. She did three and dropped it. “Damn it.” She stood on shaky legs.
“Why are you pushing yourself so hard?” Casey returned the weights to their holder. “You’re killing yourself.”
“I have to. I have to get it out. All this shit. I have to get it all out and I have to wake up my body. I have to wake up, come alive, and do better.” She looked at her son who was staring at her full of concern. “If I don’t I’ll wallow until I die, Case. I’ll just curl up in a ball and let the wind take me away. And I can’t do that. You deserve better.”
She opened the back door and entered the house with Casey close behind. They both sat at the kitchen table. And though she was worn out and spent, she felt alive and thriving for the first time in years. It gave her hope, and that was what she needed most. She smiled at Casey and covered his hand with her own.
“I’m going to be okay, son. I am.”
He wiped away a tear and blew out a long breath. “It’s just…I’ve been so worried since the cancer and now with Sasha—you really had me scared.”
“I know and I feel awful about that. About all of it. But I’m going to pull myself out of this. I have to.”
He nodded. “You want to work out together?”
“Sure.”
“I work hard. I have to warn you. Crossfit got me ripped last summer, and I know all the tricks of the trade.”
“Bring it on.”
He laughed. “You’ll regret saying that, you know.” He rose and got them both another bottle of water. Hannah opened hers and sipped. She was chilled in the air-conditioned house and she needed to shower. But first she wanted to sit and enjoy the feeling of freedom she had, most notable in the twitch of her muscles. She felt good; she felt strong. And she felt loved. Her son was all she needed.
She smiled and patted his hand. “Let’s make a schedule shall we?”
“Oh, yeah.” He jumped up and grabbed the wall calendar. He was so excited and she couldn’t help but warm at the sight of him so eager to work out with her. She’d kept him in the dark for too long, thinking she was protecting him. Well, no more. Things were about to change and she was starting with herself.