“I don’t understand,” Sasha said. “How can they not know?” It had been a week since her biopsy, and she’d just seen her doctor for the results. Only, he had no definitive answers. His best guess was to treat her as if she were pre-diabetic and that the diabetes might be causing the spillage of protein. She hadn’t been happy with the news and his lack of answers.
Bonnie served her a hot mug of tea and then sat across from her at the table. “I don’t understand either. It doesn’t make sense.”
Sasha stirred the tea, blew on it, and then took a sip. “I have to limit my fluid, for a while, see if it helps.” She shook her head. “I have to take diuretics when I get too swollen and something for the diabetes that I don’t really have. It’s crazy.”
Bonnie sipped her tea and then added a sugar substitute. “So what now? When do you start?”
“I just picked up the medicine at the pharmacy. He told me I might want to stay home to see how I feel. Apparently, I will be peeing a lot.”
“Oh, fun.”
“I just hope it helps with this damn swelling. Do you know I’ve actually gained weight, despite my limited appetite? It’s all the fluid retention.”
“No way. You hardly eat.”
Sasha stared down at her tea. “I just hope all this helps. I just want things to be back like they were before the hospital.”
“I know, sweets. I’m sure it will get better. Just give it some time and don’t overdo. Rest, for God’s sake.”
“I plan on it. I’m so fatigued it’s not even funny.”
Bonnie met her gaze. “Have you told Hannah?”
“Not yet. She called, left a message.”
“She remembered the date of the doctor visit for results? Wow, I’m impressed.”
“She did. I’m telling you she’s changed.”
Bonnie didn’t respond. She just drank her tea in silence. And then, with a whisper, “Do you want her back?”
Sasha whipped her head up and met her curious eyes. She almost looked afraid, as if asking were somehow taboo. Sasha supposed it was in some ways. She fidgeted in her seat and tried to put into words what she’d been thinking.
“I honestly don’t know how to answer that.”
“But you do think about it.”
“Yes. A lot lately in fact.”
“Maybe you two should talk about it.”
“Maybe.”
“You hesitated. Why?”
“What if she’s moved on? Or what if my health gets worse? I feel like I don’t have anything to offer her. She’s got it so together now, I don’t want to ruin that.”
“Okay, first of all, I doubt she’s got anyone else. Second of all, you have everything to offer. You always have. She loves you.”
Sasha pushed her tea away. “I think…I think I’m going to go for a drive. I need to get out of here. I’ve been cooped up in here most of the week.”
“Want a sidekick?”
“No, maybe some other time. Tonight I need to think.”
Sasha bent and kissed her cheek, and then grabbed her purse and keys and walked out the door. The night was warm with the hint of a breeze. It teased her hair and then her nose, promising dust and possibly rain. She crawled in her Jeep and started it, then backed out onto the road. At first, she didn’t know where she was going. She was just intent on driving around, lost in her thoughts. But eventually the conversation with Bonnie got to her, and she soon found herself at Hannah’s. The garage was closed, and Casey’s truck was in the driveway. The lights were on in the house.
Sasha eased up along the sidewalk and was just about to kill the engine to get out when a familiar sedan pulled into the driveway. Sasha felt her stomach churn as the same woman as before got out.
“No. Please, no.”
She watched helplessly as the woman walked to the door and rang the bell. The door opened, and Hannah enveloped her in a hug. Sasha had never considered what it might be like to see Hannah with another woman. But now she knew. It was god-awful. Like someone had just gutted her and stomped on the entrails. She felt sick. Worse than any kind of sick she’d ever felt before.
She put the Jeep in drive and peeled out, trying to get away as fast as she could before being seen. Tears nipped her throat, but she was too hurt to cry. Too shocked to give in to the sobbing. She drove around the corner and slammed on her brakes. She gripped the steering wheel so hard it hurt. She closed her eyes and tried to get control of her breathing.
“You let her go, so what did you expect?”
She said the mantra again and again.
She opened her eyes, and the sky cried for her with big fat droplets of rain. They smattered her windshield, and she sat back and stared into the oblivion they created.
She screamed when a knock came from the passenger door.
“Sasha? Sasha, it’s me. Let me in.”
It was Hannah and she sounded frantic. Sasha thought about driving away, but she changed her mind at the sound of Hannah’s voice. She unlocked the doors, and Hannah hopped inside, hair and clothes dripping with rain. She was breathless.
“Why did you take off? I had to chase you down on foot.”
Hannah’s eyes were wide and seeking.
“Sash?”
“I changed my mind. I thought I wanted to stop by, but then I changed my mind.”
“Why?’”
“I saw that you had company.”
Hannah looked confused for a moment. “Oh, Casey’s girlfriend.”
Sasha blinked. “Casey’s girlfriend?”
“She came by to talk.”
Sasha laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Hannah was smiling at her, but obviously confused.
“I thought—oh, nothing. I’m just being an ass. As always.” She rolled her eyes at herself.
Hannah studied her. “Ohhhh, you thought. No, she’s not with me. She’s a little young for me.”
“That’s what you used to say about me.”
Hannah leaned back in the seat. “I did, didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
Hannah brushed her hair back from her face. “You didn’t tell me about the biopsy results.”
Sasha looked away in frustration. “There’s nothing really to tell. They don’t quite know what’s causing the protein loss.” She sighed, getting all upset all over again. “Can we talk about it later? I just want to get home, go to bed, and pretend this day never happened.”
“That bad of a day, huh?”
Hannah grabbed her hand, and all Sasha could register was the heat of her hand and the pulse of her breath. They were both breathing hard with the rain beaming down around them. Sasha could hear the droplets of rain fall from Hannah’s hair to the leather seat below. She could feel her heartbeat in her hand.
“Hannah, I really should go.”
But Sasha didn’t move. She didn’t dare.
“Okay,” Hannah said.
Sasha jumped when Hannah brushed her hair back from her face. She took her hand in both of hers. “Hannah. I have to go. I can’t—”
“Can’t what?”
But Sasha was leaning toward her, all inhibitions dripping off her just like the rain from the car. Flowing down the gutter they went, almost as if they were never there.
She looked into Hannah’s eyes and found everything she’d ever been searching for, right there in Hannah, right in front of her. She closed her eyes, wrapped her hand in Hannah’s hair, and pulled her so close she could feel her hot breath on her lips.
“Hannah,” she said. “Oh God, Hannah.” She pressed her lips to hers hard and heavy, and when Hannah answered by clinging to her, their lips parted and their tongues darted. Hungry, she and Hannah fed, like they’d never touched before. Exploring and seeking, finding and taking. Sasha moved her hand up Hannah’s shirt and like a strike from a snake, Hannah jerked and pulled away. Sasha touched her lips, where Hannah’s had just been, missing them instantly.
“Hannah—”
But Hannah fumbled with the door. “I’m sorry, Sasha. I’m so sorry.” She opened the door and nearly fell out of the Jeep. She slammed the door and took off running. Sasha breathed deeply and this time allowed the tears to come.
How could she have been so stupid?