Hannah drove in silence through the rain, enjoying the tapping of the frenzied drops against the windshield. She had an inner peace inside she couldn’t quite grasp, but at the same time she felt solemn. She struggled not to get lost in the dance of the rain and the swipe of the wipers. She turned on the air to battle the humidity and hoped the icy flow would help to spark her insides. She was headed to meet Brandy, and she didn’t want to ruin their date. Truth was they’d been having a great time together, even if they hadn’t been intimate again since the fateful night five days ago. But Brandy hadn’t pushed. In fact she had been completely understanding.
It was her empathy and understanding that kept Hannah sticking around. She didn’t want to lose her just because she was struggling to overcome her fears. The sex had been great, better than great, and obviously something she’d needed. She just hadn’t liked the confusion and guilt that had flooded her afterward. But she had enjoyed falling asleep in Brandy’s arms on the couch. The feel of a woman holding her had been long missed. Something she hadn’t realized until that moment. She’d not only neglected Sasha in the past, she’d neglected herself.
She pulled in the center of several large commercial buildings and parked in front of the rock climbing center. Brandy’s car was already there, and thankfully, it was only her. She still hadn’t seen Mickey since their last argument, and she had no plans to call her anytime soon. Brandy had tried to talk to her about it, but she’d avoided the topic. She still felt betrayed and burned by what Mickey had done.
She grabbed her bag of gear and hustled through the rain to the front door. Cool air surrounded her as she headed inside. The industrial carpet had a wet smell to it near the door, and a few people were hesitant to step outside. As if they’d melt once the rain touched them. Hannah saw Brandy from across the room on a wall toward the back. She was helping a young boy remove his gear, and she clapped him on the shoulder with a smile as they finished. Hannah couldn’t help but warm at the sight. And she couldn’t help but warm at the sight of Brandy. She had on black yoga pants and a bright blue tank that showed off the power in her arms and shoulders. With her locks of auburn hair pulled back in a thick ponytail, she was turning more than one head as people meandered throughout the facility.
Brandy saw her and hurried to her.
“Hi.” She planted a wet kiss on Hannah’s cheek and touched her face.
“Hi back.” Hannah blushed even though she was getting used to her touch and attention.
“Your second time, huh? Can’t believe you came back. Proud of you.” She squeezed her hand and led her to the rock wall. They sat on a nearby bench where Hannah removed her sneakers.
“I wanted to give it another go. Conquer my fear completely.” She’d hated the way she’d felt the first time. Even though she’d beaten the wall, she’d been shaky and terrified. And with what Mickey had done, she really hadn’t had time to downshift and enjoy the fact that she’d made it to the top. Today, she hoped all that would change.
“I understand completely.”
“I figured you would.” She smiled at her. “It’s why I’m here. You’re my rock, so to speak.”
“Glad to be of service.”
They stood after Hannah put on her climbing shoes, and Brandy helped her finish getting ready. When she was all set and strapped in, Hannah stared up the wall and took a deep breath.
“You can do it, Hannah. I’ve got you.”
Hannah looked back at her and nodded. Then she began. As she worked her way slowly upward, she cleared her mind and freed herself from every other anxiety and worry she had. She used her mind and her muscles, sometimes grunting and straining, other times problem solving and conquering. When she reached the top, she grinned, breathless and with arms and legs shaking. She didn’t look back down. She knew how high she was. Instead she slapped the wall and enjoyed the whooping from below. She’d done it. Properly this time. With the right mentality. She felt wonderful.
When she reached the bottom, Brandy embraced her, and Hannah swept her off the floor.
“I feel fantastic,” she said.
“You should. You did great.”
They stilled and Hannah got lost in the happiness she felt and the happiness she felt Brandy truly had for her. She kissed her, and as their mouths melted together, Hannah felt something ignite deep inside her. It was desire.
“I think I want you,” she whispered.
Brandy lightly kissed her jaw. “You think?”
“No, I know.”
“Are you sure?”
“One is usually very sure about whether or not they want to ravish someone.”
“Oh, ravish is it?”
“Yes.”
Brandy’s eyes sparkled. “I guess you are sure then.”
“Can we get out of here?” Hannah’s heart was racing and her blood was pumping hot. Endorphins were screaming through her, and hot on their tail was her growing want and need to feed on Brandy. She tugged her closer and inhaled her scent. She wanted to nip her neck, stroke between her legs.
“Whoa, whoa there.” Brandy pulled away. “I have a class in half an hour.”
“Can you cancel?” But Hannah shook her head. “No, nevermind. I’m being ridiculous.”
“You are just feeling is all. Nothing wrong with that, Hannah.”
“I’m—” She palmed her forehead. “I don’t know—out of control at the moment.”
“It’s okay.”
She shook her head. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“No.” Brandy took her by the hand, and after she helped her remove her harness and gear, she had her sit on the bench. “I have a feeling you always tend to run. Well, I’m not going to let you. You’re going to sit right here and watch me teach. And then we can leave after that.”
Hannah tried to stand, but Brandy eased her back down.
“Okay? Just calm down, feel the feelings, and watch the class. I really don’t want you to leave.”
Hannah took in a deep breath. Her head spun, but she started to slowly still and refocus. Brandy was right. She was so used to running from her emotions. She didn’t know what it felt like to actually sit still and face them. Her body shook with what, she wasn’t sure. Desire, adrenaline, acceptance. She hugged herself and nodded to Brandy.
“I’ll stay.”
Brandy kissed her cheek and began gathering and organizing for her class. Every once in a while she’d give Hannah a glance and a smile causing Hannah to feel like she’d made the right choice. Soon, her body followed her mind, and Hannah relaxed. She realized she was thirsty and she crossed to the juice bar and ordered a crancrazy. The tartness of the cranberry blend rewoke her senses, and she sat on a stool and watched the rain come down outside. Thunder growled in the distance, and she laughed, knowing any other day she’d probably growl along with it. But something was happening to her. She wasn’t sure if it was all the exercise or spending time with Brandy, but she was awakening inside. Good days were outnumbering the bad. She was smiling more, even while alone. And the past few nights she’d found herself laughing at the television. She’d forgotten how good it felt to laugh.
Feeling this way surprised her, mainly because Casey was still avoiding her and she still had the issues with Mickey. But it didn’t seem to stop her from growing and stretching, like a new plant reaching for the sunshine. Mickey, she knew she could work out and Casey, too. It would just take time. They’d have to wait and see what happened with the birth of the baby. She knew, though, that he was still trying to win Abby over. He was buying her baby supplies and bringing them home to wrap. On more than one occasion he’d brought home flowers. But things must still be the same, because Abby hadn’t been around and Casey still seemed angry and sad. And it was awful watching her son bang his head up against the wall. Just awful. He’d lost weight, and she knew he wasn’t sleeping well. But he wouldn’t talk to her. He would just run every time she brought it up. Like mother, like son.
As she finished her drink, she saw several children hurry in with excitement. She stood and followed, discarding her drink along the way. They headed straight to the small beginners’ wall where Brandy and another woman had moved to set up. The kids greeted them with high-pitched hellos and high fives. Hannah sat on a distant bench, gave Brandy a wave when she looked for her and sat back to enjoy the class. For once she let her mind and body relax and just enjoyed the show.
* * *
Hannah drove home as quickly as she could in the continuing rain. The grin on her face felt plastered there, and it was the result of Brandy’s teasing. After her class was over, she’d approached Hannah and told her she wasn’t going to get to ravish her yet. First, she wanted more time with her over dinner. That she kind of liked making her wait. She’d said it was good for them to wait it out, to let the anticipation continue to build. Hannah had argued only briefly, scared that somehow her desire would vanish or fade. But as she drove home, she began to feel more and more confident that her feelings were solid.
She hurried into the house and showered and dressed. When she emerged into the kitchen with fresh cologne on, she ran into Casey who was on his way into his room with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. She noted the dirty dishes in the sink and realized again that he hadn’t been cleaning up after himself.
She stopped him with hands gently resting on his shoulders. He looked at her but didn’t hold her gaze. His eyes were sad, distant, and his normally well combed hair was askew.
“How are you?” She tried to get into his line of vision.
He shrugged. “Fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“Yeah, well.”
“Well what? Will you please talk to me?”
“What for? I’m the same. Trying like hell to get my girl back while you’ve all but given up on yours and moved on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mom.” He finally met her gaze. “I’ve seen your new chick. I came home the other night to find you spooning with her on the couch. And FYI, your bare ass was sticking out of the blanket. So the next time take it to the bedroom, okay?”
She flinched. “Oh, Casey, I’m so sorry. We just—I—”
“Save it. You got carried away. That I understand. But please, try to keep it in your pants until you reach the bedroom.”
“I will. I mean—it won’t happen again.”
“Is she nice at least? You know, nicer than Sash?” He looked so hurt she had to look away. What had she done? God, how could she have? Falling asleep like that for Casey to walk in on?
“She is. Nice I mean.”
“Better than Sasha? Because I don’t believe anyone is better for you than Sasha.”
She shook her head, feeling so guilty she could cry. “No, not better, just different.”
“Yeah, well, I couldn’t replace my girl like that.”
“Casey—”
He sidestepped around her. “You better go. You’re going to be late for your date.”
“How did you know?”
He gave a nod toward her. “You’re all dressed up and smelling good. I know good and well all that isn’t for Mick.”
“Casey?” She called after him. “I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
“The right thing…I don’t know, Mom. Seems debatable to me.” He turned and walked down the hallway to his room. She heard the door slam behind him.
“Shit.” She wanted to go after him, but she knew he was closed off now and she was going to be late. She grabbed her keys from the wall hook and got in her truck and took off. Her mind reeled the entire way to the restaurant. Surprisingly, she didn’t think about Sasha and Casey’s comparison or the guilt he’d tried to lay on. Instead she thought of his well-being only and what all she could do to help him.
When she entered the popular Mexican restaurant, she had to get her bearings and focus to look for Brandy. She found her at a table near the patio, an iced tea already in front of her. Hannah sat with a sigh.
“Sorry, I’m late.”
“No worries. I haven’t been here long.” She pushed back her hair and smoothed down her tan linen blouse. The turquoise stones in her necklace played with the color in her eyes. She winked at Hannah and reached for a chip to dip in salsa.
“You look amazing,” Hannah said.
Brandy chewed and then leaned a bit forward. “So do you. And you smell good enough to be on the menu.”
Hannah laughed and held up her menu. She tried to decide on a meal, but she just kept flipping pages, unable to concentrate.
She pushed out another sigh.
“What’s wrong?” Brandy asked.
“Hm? Oh, I just had a run-in with my son. Apparently, he saw us sleeping on the couch the other night.”
“Oh no. I thought—I was under the impression he wouldn’t be home.”
“I kind of thought that myself. I’m just grateful he didn’t come home…earlier.”
“Mm, me too. Is he okay? He isn’t upset is he?”
“He is, but not totally because of that. I just need to talk to him some more.”
She reread the menu and decided on a taco and enchilada combo. She knew her nerves were too worked up to eat it all, but she wanted a taste of both. She set it aside and also ordered an iced tea when the waitress came. But when the waitress moved, Hannah caught sight of someone familiar. She did a double-take and then burned so hard and fast she thought she’d combust. Sasha was standing at the bar with a woman.
“What? What is it?” Brandy turned. Turned back. “Is that? Isn’t that the woman from the news?”
“Yes. It’s who’s with her that I’m more concerned about.”
Brandy turned again, and that’s when Sasha caught sight of them. Hannah wanted to sink lower and vanish, but she didn’t. She sat very still and stared at the salsa. Meanwhile her heart pounded in her throat while the rest of her went numb.
She could see Sasha and the woman approach from the corner of her eye.
“Hannah?” Sasha said softly.
Hannah forced herself to look at her. She tried to swallow but couldn’t. She coughed and had to sip some tea. Sasha stood looking at her with surprise, looking gorgeous in a bright yellow dress. Her date was equally attractive in dark dress pants and a matching vest. The two of them were complete knockouts.
“Sasha, hello.”
Sasha seemed to struggle for words. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too. You look well.”
“I’m doing okay in that department.” She smiled, and Hannah felt it was genuine. “You look good as well.”
“Thanks.” Silence befell them, and Brandy spoke.
“Hi, I’m Brandy. Hannah’s friend.” She stuck out her hand.
Hannah felt a fool. “Of course. I’m sorry. This is Brandy. Brandy, this is—”
“Sasha.” Sasha shook her hand. “And this is my friend Heidi.”
Heidi grinned and shook both their hands. When she took Hannah’s she paused with a hard squeeze. “Pleasure, Hannah.”
Hannah dropped her hand. “Likewise.”
“Well, we won’t keep you,” Sasha said, her eyes only on Hannah. “Just wanted to say hello.”
Hannah swallowed hard this time and nodded. “Great to see you.”
“Take care, Hannah,” she said softly. Heidi, who was smiling at Brandy, winked and led her away.
Hannah didn’t stare after them. But she didn’t look at Brandy either.
“I would ask if you are okay, but it looks as though you aren’t.”
Hannah grabbed her tea again and took several swallows. Then she cleared her throat and forced a smile.
“I’m just a little shell-shocked I guess. I haven’t seen her in a while.”
Brandy reached for her hand. “She’s very beautiful. Very nice.”
“Yes, she is.”
“I can see why you’re so torn up.”
“I’m okay. I think.” She squeezed Brandy’s hand.
“You sure? We can go if you need to.”
“No, no, no. I’m okay. I want to stay. Really, I want to be here. With you.”
Brandy studied her as if to make sure. “Okay then. Let’s order.”
They placed their order and ate through light conversation. Hannah did her best to respond and ask questions in return, but she found she rarely could pay attention to the answers. Her mind was on Sasha and the way she’d looked so surprised and then hurt. It had only been a quick flash in her eyes, but Hannah knew her so well, she just knew she’d seen it. She desperately wanted to call her to be sure, to check on her, but she couldn’t. Sasha had moved on, and seeing her with Heidi had solidified that. She knew they were more than friends. She could tell by the wicked grin Heidi gave as they’d walked away. By the press of Heidi’s hand on her back, gently ushering her out. It was a sign of protection and possession. And if she were being honest she’d have to admit the sight hurt her. But did either one of them hurt badly enough to do anything about it?
She straightened to attention as the waitress brought the bill. She quickly snatched it and paid, much to Brandy’s protest. But Hannah insisted and they stood and headed toward the door. Hannah almost pressed into the small of Brandy’s back just as Heidi had, but she stopped herself, unsure. She’d only ever done that to Sasha. An hour ago, she would’ve done it, but now, things were different once again.
Brandy seemed to sense the change in her mood. She turned when they reached the door.
“Are you going to go home?”
Hannah was surprised by the question. She hadn’t been thinking ahead since she’d laid eyes on Sasha.
“I—I wasn’t planning on it.” She didn’t want to be alone. Not now.
Brandy seemed surprised by her answer. “Oh? Would you like to come to my house?”
Hannah took her hand. Despite what she’d seen, Brandy’s hand was still warm and soft. She was still there and she was still beautiful. Maybe the change was all in her mind.
She nodded and she climbed in her truck and followed Brandy to a nearby subdivision where the homes were small, elongated, and close together. Hannah popped a mint and hopped from the truck. She met Brandy in the garage and they walked inside. A small poodle mix greeted them with jumps and excitement.
“Roxie, down,” Brandy said.
“Oh, she’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Hannah bent to pet her, and Roxie assaulted her with kisses. Hannah laughed. “She’s precious.” She straightened. Brandy was watching her closely.
“You passed the dog test,” she said. “Impressive.”
“Who couldn’t love her? She’s a white ball of love.”
“You’d be surprised.”
Heidi offered her a drink, but Hannah declined. Instead she made herself comfortable on the sofa and took in the warm look of the home. Brandy’s style was a bit bohemian with items that seemed to be collected from varying places, even countries.
“I like your place. Very colorful.”
“Thanks. I love to travel, and I tend to bring things home.” She was standing at the entryway while Roxie joined Hannah on the sofa. After a few more kisses, she settled on her lap.
“I’m going to go change,” Brandy said.
Her voice had lowered and she sounded husky.
Hannah noticed her heavy lidded eyes, and she moved Roxie so she could stand. A million thoughts ran through her at that moment. Sasha, Heidi, Casey, love, lust, regret, guilt, jealousy. She fisted her hands at her side and willed them all to go away. She had a beautiful woman standing before her, and she was slowly starting to unbutton her blouse.
“I want to come with you,” Hannah said. “I need to come with you.”
Brandy held out her hand. Hannah took it and walked down the hallway. The bedroom was delicately lit with a small lamp burning. A red shawl was draped over the shade cascading a pink light. A colorful quilt covered the bed, and a Buddha statue sat on the dresser, keeping guard.
Brandy encouraged her to sit on the bed while she stood before her.
Hannah’s breathing became short and shallow, and Brandy touched her face, placing a kiss on her forehead. She continued to open her blouse.
“I don’t care why you want me,” she said. “I’m just going to go with it.”
Hannah started to speak, but Brandy stopped her with a finger to her lips.
“I want you too, and maybe not for the noblest of reasons. I’m terribly jealous of your reaction to Sasha, and I know that isn’t right. But we are both here. We are attracted to each other and we both need and want this.”
She let her shirt fall to the floor. Next she removed her shorts and kicked off her sandals. She stood before Hannah in nothing but a white thong.
Hannah took in her beautiful body, her creamy looking skin and the peak of her nipples.
“Touch me,” Brandy said. “Touch me here.” She brought Hannah’s hands up to her breasts and sighed as Hannah stroked their center, causing the nipples to stiffen beneath her palms. Brandy licked her lips and then lowered Hannah’s hand. “And touch me here.” She slid Hannah’s hand into her panties and they both made noises of delight and pleasure when Hannah found her slick and ready.
She closed her eyes and rocked into Hannah. “Yes, touch me there. Slowly.” She guided her hand by gripping her wrist. “Mm. That’s it. Stroke my clit. You feel it getting bigger? You feel it respond to you?”
“Yes.”
“God, you feel good. You and those long fingers.”
She rocked faster. Touched her breast. Hannah followed suit, running her palm over her nipple while she stroked her.
“Now,” Brandy said. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to taste you,” Hannah said.
Brandy stilled her hands and stepped back to slip out of her panties. She lightly touched herself, reaching down to stroke her center through a small patch of hair. She crawled on the bed and rested her head on a pillow. Then she called to Hannah by curling her finger at her.
Hannah kicked off her shoes and moved onto the bed after her. Unable to resist, she started at her ankle and kissed her way up to her thigh. As she neared her center, Brandy opened her legs and placed two fingers alongside her clit.
“Lick me,” she said. “Lick me between my fingers. While I touch myself.”
Hannah burned at the sight of her stroking her glistening flesh. She lowered herself, wrapped her arms around her thighs, and pressed her tongue to her clit. She moved it up and down in rhythm with Brandy’s movements while Brandy called out in pleasure and struggled to keep her hips still.
“Oh my God. Yes. Oh, please. Like that. God yes.”
Hannah pulled her closer, pressed harder, firmer. Soon, Brandy released her flesh and gripped Hannah’s head. Her hips began to move, fucking Hannah’s face.
“God yes, oh my God, yes. My clit. Oh shit. My clit.”
Hannah kept on, giving all she had. She shook her head back and forth, sucked her between hard licks, then circled around her clit to let the pleasure build once again. She did so until Brandy was writhing beneath her, clawing at her hair, scratching her scalp, and screaming into the pink light. When she came, it was strained and silent with her arching her back up off the bed, mouth open and muscles quivering. She pulsed like that for what seemed like an eternity and then fell back to the pillows and struggled for air.
Hannah watched, mesmerized, with her cheek against her thigh. She crawled up next to her and held her, held her through more spasms and sighs until she completely stilled and groaned into her. Hannah held her and closed her eyes and forced herself to enjoy the moment. But like water building behind a dam, all the previous thoughts rushed back in and Hannah felt a tear run down her face.
Brandy smoothed the tear away.
“I’m sorry,” Hannah said.
“You don’t need to be. I already know. I saw it in your face when you saw her. You’re still in love with her.”
Hannah’s voice hitched as she fought crying.
“It’s okay, Hannah.”
Hannah couldn’t speak; she just held her tighter. Brandy snuggled farther into her.
“Shh, it’s okay. I understand. Just close your eyes and relax.”
“I can’t do this again,” Hannah finally said. “I just can’t.”
“Then let’s just enjoy this moment together. You’re safe here.”
Hannah closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She knew she’d never be able to sleep. But for that moment, she held on tight because she feared if she let go, she’d be lost forever.