“With you?” Gladys asked, looking as if she’d just been slapped. She was gripping the sides of the visitor chair next to Sasha’s hospital bed. “But I thought the two of you were…”
“We are.” Hannah finished for her. “Separated.”
Sasha was staring at her with a look that said “save me.” It was a look she often fashioned when she was around Gladys.
“But I couldn’t help but overhear that Sasha needs a place to recover for a while. And our place…ahem, my place is perfect.”
Gladys fidgeted. “I think she’d better stay at the rehab center, considering your current situation.”
“I’ll do it. I’ll stay with Hannah,” Sasha said. “I’ll be more comfortable there.”
“But, Sasha, you two haven’t been getting along.”
“We don’t fight,” Sasha said. “Nothing like that. We just…exist.”
“Can you take care of her, Hannah?”
“I’ll have to work a few hours a day. But Casey is there, and he’s often home between classes. We’ll make sure she’s okay.”
Gladys stood. “I don’t understand the two of you. I just don’t understand it.” She walked by Hannah and turned at the door. “I’m going for some more coffee so you two can figure this out.” She shook her head as if confused and defeated and slipped through the door.
“Do you mind if I sit?” Hannah asked.
“You know I don’t.”
Hannah eased into a chair.
“So you were eavesdropping at the door?” Sasha asked.
Hannah blinked with surprise. “Yes, I guess I was.”
Sasha scoffed. “I should be upset at that, but considering the circumstances I’m glad you did.”
She struggled to reach for more water. Her hand shook as she grabbed the cup and brought it to dry looking lips. Hannah took it from her when she was finished. Her eyes thanked her, but her expression was one of ambivalence. She looked tired, weak, and gaunt. She’d lost weight, making her cheekbones more prominent, as if someone had sculpted them with a straight razor.
“I know I look like hell,” she said, catching her gaze.
“Actually, I was just thinking how beautiful you still are despite everything.”
Sasha stared at her for a long moment. “Liar.”
“You know I’m not.”
Sasha picked at her blanket. “You know this doesn’t mean anything. My coming to stay with you while I recover.”
“Sasha I think we should talk about it—”
“Good, because we’re still separated and I’m still upset.” She set her jaw and narrowed her eyes. Hannah knew better than to argue at that moment.
“Got it.”
“So you understand we aren’t together.”
“Yes.”
“Because I know you, and I know you’ll try to get me back. It seems to take you losing me before you do anything for our relationship.”
Hannah hung her head. Sasha, for the most part, was right.
“I want to try, Sasha,” she blurted. “Seeing you that sick, seeing you in here…I don’t want to lose you.”
There was silence, and Hannah looked up to see Sasha wiping away tears. “Damn you, Hannah. Damn you. It shouldn’t take something like this for you to want to try.”
Hannah rose and handed her some tissue. Then she tried to hold her hand, but Sasha snatched hers away. “No, you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to touch me.”
Anger flashed in her eyes, and Hannah knew she needed to back off. She stood at the foot of the bed. “I’ll do whatever you want, Sash. Just focus on getting well.” She left her and slipped quietly out the door.
* * *
Hannah sank into the sofa with a bottle of water and propped her feet on the ottoman. There was a ball game on, one she wanted desperately to pay attention to, but she just couldn’t seem to focus. She drank the water and stared through the television as the Tar Heels battled the Blue Devils. She heard the elevated voices of the announcers, but she couldn’t even blink because her mind was back on that night just a few days ago.
The night she thought she was going to lose Sasha. The night Sasha lay limp in her arms with her eyes rolled back in her head and her body on fire with fever. It was a moment she’d never forget. Her nightmares made sure of it.
She’d thought of little else since. And seeing Sasha in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines and in and out of consciousness, she wasn’t sure she’d ever get over it.
“What up? Duke winning?” Casey asked as he breezed through the living room with his large earphones on. He’d been playing video games. She’d heard him yelling and cursing across the house. He often unplugged to eat or drink and then he’d disappear again, back into his abyss of a bedroom. He opened the fridge and pulled out a can of Monster. He opened it and slurped like he hadn’t drank for days. “Mom?”
“Hmm? I don’t know.”
She continued to stare.
Casey stood behind her drinking his energy drink. “Damn, we’re down two.” When she didn’t respond, he nudged her shoulder. “I see you finished getting the spare bedroom ready.”
She blinked but felt heavy coming out of her daze. “Yeah, just finished.”
“It looks nice. Sasha will like it.”
“I hope so.” She’d cleared out all the boxes they’d kept in there for storage and moved the furniture around so the bed was the focal point of the room. Then she’d dusted, vacuumed, and spread on the new, freshly washed sheets and comforter. A warm scented candle was currently spreading its fragrance throughout the room, something she knew Sasha would appreciate. She’d also placed some photographs of Sasha and Casey and Sasha and their late dog, Freddie Mercury, on the dresser. Sasha adored Casey, and she’d adored Freddie. Losing him the previous year had been detrimental to them all. But the photos were so good and they reminded Hannah of happier times, and she knew Sasha would love them.
“She will.” He took another loud sip. “The pics are a nice perk. So, what’s the deal? She actually agreed to come here?”
“She didn’t have much of a choice.”
“Agh. That explains it.”
“Explains what?”
“Why she agreed to move back under the same roof as you.”
He nudged her again to let her know he was joking, but she didn’t react. She felt like a slug, like she just might ooze off the couch in post-traumatic sadness.
“You okay?” He knelt, placing his elbows on the back of the couch.
She looked over at him and noticed he’d lowered his earphones. “I’ll be fine.”
He was silent for a long moment. “I’m scared too, Mom.”
She felt her eyes widen with surprise.
“Scared she almost died, scared she’s not here anymore, scared you two will never work it out.”
Hannah nodded. He was so damned intuitive.
There was another long silence, and she could smell the berry flavoring of his drink. He was watching her closely.
“What do you want, Mom? Have you ever asked yourself that?”
Hannah met his gaze. “I thought I could live without her, give her the separation and see where things went. But now…I can’t lose her, Casey. I just can’t. I love her too damn much.”
“Then you better figure something out and fast.” He squeezed her shoulder. “Let’s hope it’s not too little too late.”