“Call me if you need anything before tomorrow,” Charlie said, handing over a business card. “I mean it, day or night.”
“Thanks.” Sasha took the card and met her heavy gaze. Charlie had the brightest blue eyes she’d ever seen, and she couldn’t help but want to stare. In fact she felt a little breathless, and she was beginning to wonder if it was her condition or something more. Something like Charlie. But she reminded herself that she had felt weak and a little off for days. And receiving the antibiotic did seem to wear her out. It took what felt like forever for it to completely drain into her, and the damn liquid was like ice going into her body because it had to be kept cold. She hugged herself as Charlie stood from the couch to spread a light throw blanket over her. She once again felt her forehead.
“Mm, I’m still a little concerned about that fever. So I’ll be back before noon tomorrow.” She smiled a brilliant smile, and Sasha felt herself blush. It had been a long time since she’d found herself attracted to anyone, and admitting that brought on a bag of mixed feelings. After all, they were in Hannah’s home, and she was interacting with Hannah once again, where memories and feelings she’d long ago buried were trying to surface. Charlie, it seemed, couldn’t have walked into her life at a more confusing time.
Was it wrong to be attracted to her? She knew it wasn’t, but she’d seen the jealousy on Hannah’s face. It was a look that had cut her deeply just before it burned her with anger. How dare Hannah be jealous when she had had her chance to prove she wanted to be with her? She’d had months, days, years. And the second Sasha found someone a little heart fluttering, Hannah reacted like someone tore her heart out? Acted like she still had a say. What gave her the right?
Sasha tried to put herself in Hannah’s shoes. Would she be jealous in the same situation? Yes. But would she try to interfere? She didn’t know. She just knew that Hannah had no right. Whether she was interested in Charlie or not.
She closed her eyes and clutched the blanket tight to her chest. She knew her interest was piqued. But what it meant, she didn’t know. Could she honestly be with someone other than Hannah?
She prayed for warmth and thought back to Hannah coming home after her double mastectomy. Her heart had bled for her, and Hannah had fought her tooth and nail when she’d tried to comfort her or care for her. It had been a side to Hannah she’d never seen. She was so cranky and so lost she’d insisted Sasha sleep on the couch, and night after night, Sasha had heard her crying in her sleep. She’d tried to go to her the first night to wrap her arms around her and hold her tight, but Hannah had screamed at her to get out. Sasha had scrambled out, crying and confused and hurting so badly for the woman she loved. She’d often wondered if they’d taken her heart when they’d taken the cancer. Sometimes it seemed that way.
Sasha felt her body grow warm and heavy despite the chills that racked through her. She was just about lost in sleep when she heard someone enter and kneel next to her. Through heavy, blinking eyelids, Sasha saw Hannah’s face. She looked distraught and as if she’d been crying.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
But Hannah shook her head. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
“No, I’m too tired.”
“I’ll get you.” Hannah scooped her up before she could protest. Sasha wrapped her arms around her neck and buried her face in her shoulder. She caught her scent, and tears of her own formed in the corners of her eyes. She could feel her strength, her warmth. And she noticed something else. She didn’t smell like alcohol.
“You didn’t drink,” Sasha said as Hannah set her gently on the bed and tucked her in. Sasha was sure Hannah had run out to go drink with Mickey just as she’d done the past two years of their relationship.
“I don’t do that anymore,” she said.
Sasha felt the surprise of the statement, but she was too tired to talk about it. Instead she drifted off to sleep, gripping Hannah’s arm.
* * *
Sasha awoke to the smell of bacon and maple syrup. She groaned, almost convinced she was dreaming. Finally, hunger churned in her belly and she sat up and pushed off her covers. She was so excited to have some real food, she nearly fell when she tried to stand too quickly to ease into her slippers. She half fell against the wall causing commotion but then was able to walk on her own. She winced at the pinch of the PICC line and thought how good it would feel to have a bath. She still felt like the hospital was on her, the smell of it in her hair and on her skin. Her hand and her inner elbow were bruised from IV lines, and blood still stained her in some of those areas. She was almost sure someone could scrape the film of the hospital off of her it was so thick. Yes, a bath would be wonderful.
Someone had obviously heard her dance with the wall because she could hear them hurrying down the hallway. Hannah appeared with a look of worry on her face.
“Everything okay?”
Sasha brushed past her. “Fine.”
“I thought I heard you fall.”
“I’m okay.” She wasn’t about to admit to losing her balance. She already couldn’t stand being treated like a baby. For some reason Hannah was jumping at every little need, and it confused her more than anything. The Hannah she’d come to know recently would’ve cared, yes, but she wouldn’t have gone out of her way to do so like this Hannah was doing. And if Hannah thought caring for her in this manner after all this time was going to heal things between them, she had another thing coming.
Sasha heard Hannah follow her down the hallway to the kitchen where the scents of a fresh breakfast came alive.
“This smells so damn good,” Sasha said.
Hannah pulled out a chair for her at the table. “Please, sit.”
Sasha did so. “Since when are you such a gentleman? You haven’t done that in years.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Just felt like doing it is all.” Hannah moved to the stove where she cracked eggs and whisked them quickly in a bowl. “I hope you still prefer scrambled,” she said as she poured the liquid in the pan.
“It doesn’t matter,” Sasha said. “Right now I’d eat anything.”
Hannah laughed. “Hospital food was pretty bad wasn’t it?”
Sasha smoothed the handwoven placemat they bought together at Pier One. She swallowed against a tightening throat. “You have no idea.”
“I actually caught sight of some of the stuff they served you. It looked and smelled pretty awful.”
Sasha glanced up at her. “You…saw? When?”
Hannah stirred the eggs. “When I was there.”
“And when was that?”
Hannah fell quiet. Then she turned and spooned the scrambled eggs onto two plates.
“Hannah?”
“I came at night, mostly. Knowing no one would be there. Other times I snuck in while you were sleeping and your mother was in the cafeteria.”
“But why? Why not let someone see you? Why not say hello to me?”
Hannah replaced the pan on the stove and slid some bacon and small pancakes onto their plates. She carried them to the table, set them down, and then rounded the counter once again for silverware and juice. When she came back to the table, she sat and unfolded a cloth napkin to spread on her lap.
“I wanted to be alone with you. And as for not saying hello, you were sleeping.”
Sasha wasn’t sure what to think. All this time she’d thought Hannah hadn’t been there as much as everyone else. What else didn’t she know?
“So you came after all,” Sasha said softly.
Hannah sipped her juice. “Of course. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.”
“I thought—I thought you didn’t care.”
Hannah stared at her and then seemed to grow uncomfortable. “It hurts to know you thought such a thing.”
“Well, maybe if you would’ve come at a decent time, like everyone else.”
“And what? Sit there with your mother while she grilled me on our breakup and separation? Try to answer questions about our future and why you never told her we were separated? I couldn’t do it, Sash. You know how she is, and God forbid I said something you didn’t want said.”
Hannah took a bite of bacon, letting her know she was finished with her response. And by the way she chewed, like an angry animal with fire in her eyes, she let her know she preferred not to talk about it anymore.
“You’re right. I didn’t think of that.”
Sasha bit into her own bacon, but the wonderful flavor was lost as she thought about the stupid assumption she’d made about Hannah and then again when she’d accused her of not showing up at a decent time. Hannah had a point. Her mother would’ve given her the third degree, and Sasha would’ve had a fit if Hannah had answered without her input.
Sasha quietly studied Hannah as she ate. Her tight jaw flexed, and the sunlight played with her shoulder length chestnut brown hair. Her hazel eyes shone against the mint green of her shirt, and Sasha could smell her freshly showered scent from across the table. She often used a men’s body wash, and the scent was strong and fresh and spicy. It awakened her senses and it used to drive her mad. She took a sip of juice and realized that even though she wasn’t being driven mad with desire, it was still affecting her.
She cleared her throat and willed her insides to stop spinning out of control like a crazy carousel. Hannah was off limits now. It was over. She’d told her at the hospital that her stay here meant nothing. It couldn’t. She couldn’t go through it again with her. Sure she cared and she was going out of her way to show it now, but how long would it last? How long before the depression overtook her again? How long before Sasha was once again sitting at a table in the Italian restaurant waiting for her?
It couldn’t happen again.
Sasha swallowed another bite of eggs and finished her juice. Then she excused herself, no longer able to eat. Hannah called after her, but she ignored her. She couldn’t look back. Not now or ever.