Ellie
November 17, 2013
I let out a long sigh, shifting in the pew and bumping hips with Rhea as the Pastor continues his sermon. He’s talking about forgiveness and healing today, but I’m not really listening. I’m too busy fidgeting with the hem of my skirt and trying to keep my thoughts from trailing off to Bobby; and me missing him.
It’s been four months; four long, therapy and occupying my time with Rhea at Victoria’s Secret, filled months. I still live in my little trailer, with many complaints from Chad and Rhea, but I don’t want to be smothered by them right now. I see enough of them between riding to work with Rhea every day, dinner almost every night, and church on Sundays. I know, I know, I can’t really sit here and bitch and complain because all of my problems, I’ve caused them myself; there is no one else to blame.
Yes, I tried to kill myself back in June with the muzzle of that little .22 pressed up against my temple, and if the bullet hadn’t jammed, I’d be dead. I tried to kill myself right in front of Bobby, all because I was weak and broken, believing it to be beyond repair. Even now, fidgeting in my seat in this pew, I can’t help but feel a slight throbbing from now phantom bruises which once littered my body, left by my ex-husband, Jake Heart.
Jake has since been sentenced to twelve years for battery and attempted murder, with the help of my tearful testimony and the numerous pictures I took of my injuries over the years. He’s gone, out of my life, but so is Bobby. While I was still in the hospital recovering from the last injuries inflicted by Jake on that fateful June day, Bobby signed up for a private security detail and left me with only a kiss on the forehead; not even looking back as he walked out of my hospital room.
I haven’t heard from him, or heard anything about him, since. No text messages. No calls. No through the grape vine shit either, as Chad and Reno both know nothing of his whereabouts. It’s like he just dropped off the damn earth, out of my life, forever. I miss those hazel eyes and the way they’d look down at me from his towering height. I miss the way his large hands would glide over my body, seemingly made to hug my curves and cup my breasts, as he used to love to squeeze them, making me laugh every time.
Most of all, I just miss him. I miss his presence and how he could just make me feel better with that silly ass grin on his face. I know his absence is my own doing, and that he left believing that we weren’t ready to be with each other because we were still dealing with our inner demons, but I could’ve used a phone call every now and then just to hear his voice.
Rhea’s hand wrapping into mine breaks my musing and looking into her greyish-blue eyes, I can’t help but return her sweet little smile. I see her stare run over my face and can tell she knows I was thinking about Bobby. She squeezes my fingers. I would go crazy without my cousin, that’s for sure. She shakes my hand lightly and I finally tune in that everyone is bowing their heads in prayer and I follow suit.
Issuing an Amen with everyone else, I stand slowly as Rhea gets to her feet, the one year old Charlie on her hip with Chad to her right; followed by Kendall, Harlan, Brad, Garth, and my neighbor, Jude. He’s been tagging along with us, becoming good friends with the guys and he’s been an awesome friend to me. The tan, tattooed, dark haired bouncer from Marco’s club has been a shoulder for me to cry on most nights, helping me through a lot of my depression when I don’t want to bother Rhea.
Of course, there has been the therapy as well, and as I step aside, waiting for Rhea and Chad to exit the pew and walk in front of me, I nod to my therapist, Melissa Frank, as she walks by with her husband. I see her twice a week, spewing all of my thoughts and feelings to her every time, a lot of it being repeats. But she listens and helps me work through them nonetheless. It’s taken me two months to open up to her, but since doing so, I can feel it helping little by little.
“Service was nice today, right, Ell?” I hear the deep, smooth voice come up behind me before I feel the arm slide around my shoulder and I sink my head into Jude’s chest, snaking my arm around his waist. I feel the stares hit us as we hit the ground off of the white washed steps, but I’m used to them. My name has been in the gossip mill ever since I stepped foot in Wakefield last year. Why get all antsy about it now?
“Yeah, it was really nice,” I reply, but I know with his little snort of laughter he can tell I’m lying. Then I feel Garth come up on my other side, pulling me into him.
“Don’t lie, girl, we could tell you weren’t payin’ attention.” He laughs, low and drawn out, in my ear as his Stetson cologne swirls around me in the slight breeze. It’s a perfect fall day, being around seventy degrees, and the leaves are all kinds of orange, yellow, and red as we walk across the gravel parking lot to the three vehicles.
“Well what the hell were ya doin’; watching me and not payin’ attention to the Pastor?” I chide them mockingly, elbowing Jude in the side as I lightly slap Garth on the cheek. They both laugh, along with Brad and Harlan joining in, and in retaliation Jude sweeps me up on his shoulder Tarzan style.
“Alright, alright you guys,” Rhea tries to sound serious, but she giggles as Jude slowly runs by Chad and her while smacking my butt and getting me to squeal. As she laughs, she says, “Calm down now, you’re getting Charlie all riled up.” He’s squirming in her arms, trying to reach out for me while squealing his rendition of my name, thinking Jude is bothering me.
Jude turns to Rhea, saying his apology while setting me down and Charlie basically jumps from her arms to mine; wrapping his arms around my neck while giving Jude a grumpy look over my shoulder. “Elwie,” he mumbles, sinking his face into my neck as his arms and legs squeeze me and I hug him tight, patting him on the back. This little guy and I have become attached over the last four months, me being his primary babysitter when Rhea and Chad need some alone time. I’d do anything for the little guy.
“I’m okay, lil’ guy.” I laugh as he continues to give Jude the evil eye, Jude’s only answer being to make silly faces at him, which doesn’t work this time. Charlie’s little dirty blonde hair covered brow only creases more as I brush his unruly hair out of the way, kissing his baby soft forehead.
“Ell, you comin’ with us?” Chad yells from the driver’s side of his red Silverado as I help Rhea put Charlie in the back seat of it. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t know you were right there.” He laughs when he spots me as he comes around to open the passenger’s door for his wife.
“Yeah, I’m coming over for lunch but then I got stuff to do at home.” He nods his agreement as I slide in, in front of Charlie’s car seat, and sit beside the little guy as he giggles away at his toy tractor, making spitting, sputtering sounds as he drives it over the now closed door.
“I can help you with stuff if you want?” Rhea asks, looking at me over her shoulder as she buckles her seat belt and I just shake my head. I kind of want some alone time in my trailer today for some reason. “You sure?” she asks again, and I plaster the best fake smile that I can on my face. Seeing her smile in return I know she bought it. It’s sad to say I’ve become a pro at the fake smile these last couple of months.
The car ride through the quiet town is filled with Chad talking about work and his plans for their growing horse barn that has developed in the back of their property. Just thinking about the two horses, three pigs, and handful of chickens they’ve acquired over the last couple of months lifts my mood. Being out there calms me more than therapy and talking to anyone; it’s my all-time favorite thing to do to clear my head, but today I don’t feel like that. Hell, it makes me think of my favorite horse, Lady, and how I had to say goodbye to her, too, over the summer.
Shit, sometimes it all crashes down on me and I feel this weight on my chest that I can’t lift off. It’s like its crushing me, crushing my spirit and trying to take who I am away from me. Bobby’s gone, Lady’s gone, Jake’s in jail, Rhea and my friends look down at me ever since finding out I had the abortion, and hell, sometimes I just feel alone. I could be in a crowded room, or like now, in the backseat of the truck while Chad and Rhea talk happily in the front seat, but I feel alone.
Charlie’s little, drool covered hand finds mine that’s resting on my knee and I can’t help but let the cloud lift from my heart and smile at his adorable face. His big, amazingly blue-grey eyes look up at me and light up my world as he gurgles his speech with the plastic tractor in his mouth and I laugh at him.
“Charlie?” Rhea’s sweet, motherly coo comes from the front and I look up to see her peering at us in the rearview. “Are you talkin’ to Ellie?” Her sweet smile helps to warm my internal mood even more, and this time I give her a genuine smile as Charlie yammers some more.
This, this is my light in the darkness for now and I give Charlie a little pinch on the cheek as he squirms, screeching his usual response when I do it and Chad joins him, yelling a high pitched response. The father and son go back and forth until I can tell the screaming is hurting Chad’s throat and as we pull into their driveway, he concedes to his little boy, laughing along with his wife and me. They are a riot.
“Ellie, are you feelin’ okay?” Rhea asks as we make it through the door. Damn, I must not be doing as good a job as I thought today. I sigh and shrug my shoulders, getting a sad smile from her as she wraps her arms around my waist. I don’t know what it is, but some days are just worse than others. I sink into her hug and let the scent of her citrus lotion wash over me.
“I’ll be okay,” I tell her and she nods her head against my shoulder, not letting go. “Just one of those days, you know?” She nods again, releasing me with a kiss on the cheek. I know she’d like me to talk to her, but I feel as if my thoughts and depression will just bog her down unnecessarily, worrying her where she shouldn’t be; and I don’t want to do that to her.
She leaves it alone and as we make our way into the kitchen. Chad leaves Charlie with us on his play mat in the corner and kisses Rhea on the cheek, heading upstairs to work on something in his office. He’s been putting in an awful lot of time working from home and it makes me wonder.
“Do you know what Chad is workin’ on all the time?” I ask Rhea. She gives me a shrug and I take the chicken and vegetables she hands me. She’s standing in front of the fridge, the door resting on her hip as she keeps rummaging for ingredients. I know they don’t, and can’t, talk much about Chad’s work with NCIS, but I know he’s got to spill some things to her every now and then.
“I know he’s been put on a special team of sorts, along with Reno.” She stands, shutting the fridge and emptying her arms of the other food onto the counter. I see her stare go to the ceiling, as if she can see through it to see her husband, and then her eyes go to the stairs. She leans in closer to my ear and whispers, “I do know I heard him talkin’ on the phone the other day with Reno. I was upstairs getting some more dirty laundry to wash and I heard him mention Jack’s name.”
“Jack?!?” I can’t believe it. My older brother, Jack Griggs, enlisted in the Marines out of high school. I haven’t seen or heard from him since our mother’s death, and before the abuse started. My heart jumps up to a rapid beat and I just stare at Rhea, waiting for her to continue as she starts chopping Brussels sprouts. “Well? Then what?”
“That’s it. I was in the bedroom and he was in the office. I think he heard me shuffling around ‘cuz he got up and quietly shut the door as he kept talking, lowering his voice. All I heard was Jack’s name.” She gives me a hopeful look, sliding a knife my way and covering my hand that is on the counter.
“If Jack is alive… If Chad finds him…” I can’t complete a thought. My brother was my protector, the only male figure I had in my life after my mother ran from Wakefield when we were little, and I’ve missed him dearly since the last time I saw him. I’m sure he tried to contact me. He’d never leave me without letting me know he is okay, but my bastard of an ex probably re-routed his attempts to get ahold of me.
“I know, Hon.” She smiles, patting my hand. This gives me a little hope. Maybe my brother will come back into my life, then the three Griggs; Rhea, Jack, and I, can make a better name for our family in this little town. I know it’s going to be hard keeping my mouth shut when Chad comes back downstairs. I want to know what he knows, but I need to keep quiet lest start a fight between my cousin and her husband, so I shut the knowledge away.
Normal, everyday conversation fills the rest of the time while we’re preparing lunch and when the oven timer goes off, I get up off the couch, setting Charlie into his mother’s lap as Chad jogs down the stairs. I can’t help but laugh as my cousin’s husband sweeps their son up, tossing him in the air and catching him as Charlie squeals, then he kisses Rhea with gusto, patting her on the ass.
“Get a room!” I joke, as they make their way into the kitchen behind me. I take the roasted chicken out and place it on the stove for Chad to carve when he’s done playing with his son, whom he’s placed in the high chair at the table.
Rhea is beside me, humming away as she turns on the mixer to mash the potatoes and my heart swells for her. This is her happy little family and I should feel blessed to be a part of it. I need to let moments like this filter into my heart more, and the hurt less. The front door swinging open pulls my attention and Brad, Garth, and Jude bring their noisy selves into the house, making Charlie squeal even more in their presence as they all gather round him and talk with Chad about a football game.
All the quiet of Rhea’s home disappears when we sit down to eat and lunch flies by, filled with the guys arguing over football, hunting, and politics. Their banter and silly fights make both Rhea and I laugh, and as I help her with the dishes I start to zone and think about what she said earlier; about Jack.
My brother had been my rock, much like Randy had been for Rhea, and being without him these last couple of years has been hard. I will never forget the last words he said to me in person, the day after our mom died and I was helping him put his bags back in his Jeep to head to the airport.
“I still don’t like him, Sis,” he said, looking me right in the eye with those stormy grey eyes that my father passed down to him. Then I remember his eyes shooting daggers at my then newlywed husband, and I had shrugged his concern off. I was stupid and in love. “You call me if he ever lays a hand on you.” He got right in my face, his square jaw ticking as he kept looking at Jake over my shoulder and I had punched him in the chest.
“He’s not Dad, Jack.” I had laughed lightly, making sure Jake couldn’t hear me, and my brother had just raised his eyebrow at me. He knew something wasn’t right about my now ex, and I should’ve followed his feeling. It would’ve saved me a lot of trouble, broken bones, and bruises.
“Yeah, well,” he had said, pulling me into a hug, “call me anyway.”
“I will.” I had kissed him on his clean shaven cheek, playfully rubbing his buzz cut donned head and he had laughed, his smile bringing out his dimples. “Love ya, Bro.”
“Love ya, Sis.” He smiled one last time, pulling me in for a quick kiss on the top of my head like he always had and then he was gone, his Jeep kicking up dust on our little road.
If only I had listened to him, or gone with that gut feeling his warning had left me with.
“Ellie!” Jude’s loud voice snaps me from my dreaming and I notice I’m just standing by the patio door, staring out into Rhea’s backyard. The horses are chasing each other on the other side of the fence, causing the chickens to scatter in a flurry of feathers. I turn my eyes to my friend.
“What?” I don’t hide the snippy tone as I dry my hands on the damp towel on the stove and give Jude a bitchy look. He returns it with a raised eyebrow, and I know he’d playfully repay my attitude with a body slam onto the couch in the living room, no doubt kicking off a rowdy roughhousing session between the guys, but my look keeps him in check and he just sighs heavily.
“Nothin’. Damn,” he says, leaning his hip on the counter and crossing his very toned arms over his chest. “I was jus’ askin’ ya if ya wanted anything to drink, or if you wanted me to take you home? But if you’re gonna react like that, you can walk back to the trailer park.” He gives me a joking snort and I throw the towel I had dried my hands with at him, hitting him right in the face as he chuckles.
Garth comes around from the living room just in time to see the towel make contact, and, being the ever present joker, says, “Does she need her ass kicked, Brother?” He gives Jude a raised eyebrow and for a second I contemplate my escape routes, but Jude just shakes his head.
“Nah, I’ll let the attitude slide for now.” He laughs and Garth joins in as I stick my tongue out at both of them. I grab my purse from the chair and slide my arm around Rhea’s waist as she tries to clean up Charlie’s highchair.
“I’ll see ya tomorrow, Ray-Ray.” I kiss her on the cheek as she says ‘ok’, but by the look in her eyes I know she can tell there is something bothering me. I ignore her look and give my favorite little guy a quick kiss on the forehead as he squeals. “I’ll make our lunches for work so don’t worry about it,” I say as I make my way through the living room behind Jude.
“Okay, don’t forget my Snickers! You owe me one!” She shouts and I turn back around to see her face around the archway, giving me a fake evil eye and I can’t help but laugh. “Don’t laugh,” she says, shaking her finger at me, “you ate the last one out of my desk. I should fire your ass for that, but since you’re my cousin, as long as you replace it, I’ll let you slide.”
“Okay, okay,” I hold my hands up in surrender, “I’ll get you a whole bag of Snickers.”
“Good! And I don’t want the fun size ones either. I go through them like it’s my job.” She smiles and I see Chad come up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek.
“Yeah, Ell. Don’t deprive my wife of her chocolate,” Chad says, smiling as Rhea swats him in the chest. “We all know how she gets without it.”
“Yeah, superbitch!” Garth chimes in and as I reach the door, hearing Jude laughing in front of me as he holds it open, I turn back just in time to see Garth get blasted in the face with a thrown pillow. I can’t help it, as I wave goodbye to my laughing cousin, I burst out in a fit of giggles, too. My friends are so damn weird.
I’m still laughing lightly as Jude pulls off Rhea’s street, heading for our trailer park. His brand new, tricked out Camaro shifts smoothly into third as he speeds down the bare road, taking the corners way too fast, but that’s the kind of guy he is. As the back end of the car slides around another corner, skidding in the loose gravel, I instinctively grab onto the center console.
“Something botherin’ you, girly?” he asks, and I see him watching me out of the corner of his eye. He’s come to know me pretty well, even better than when I stripped at Marco’s. At times, when I text him late at night because I’m breaking, I don’t even have to say anything out loud. He just comes over, settling next to me on the couch or floor, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, and he starts to tell me some stories about his fucked up childhood, or racy stories about him and his many girls; trying to make me laugh and take my mind off my thoughts.
“Nah,” I lie, shaking my head and giving him a smile. I feel the weight on my chest growing, though, and I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. The familiar crunch of the gravel in the trailer park drive underneath his tires makes me sigh heavily and I feel him pat my hand, but I don’t recognize the action. For a second, I wish Jude was Bobby and tears build on my lashes, kicking my ass into that dark place that I’m trying so hard not to fall into.
I grab the door handle and get out, slamming the door shut in zombie mode. I hear Jude say something like, “Alright, see ya later, girly,” but I just wave over my shoulder. Shoving the door to my shitty little home open, I let it slam shut behind me and toss my purse down.
Why was I so damn stupid to lie to Bobby like that? Not just about sleeping with Garth and Bobby while he was away, but about my abortion? Why didn’t I let Chad and Bobby, and hell, all of their SEAL buddies, help me when they insisted?
Because I’m stupid, that’s why.
I throw myself down onto my old, floral print couch, and sink my face into one of the pillows, trying my best to shove the inevitable tears away. I turn my face to look into the kitchen and in that moment that fateful June day plays out in front of me. I’m sitting on the kitchen floor, crying, with my back up against the cabinet as Jake stalks toward me, his motorcycle boots clicking on the linoleum as he pulls his belt free from the loops on his pants. He grabs the end and snaps the leather, the crack making me flinch, even now, as the leather warms up; like he always used to do it when we were married. The smirk on his face as he pulled me into his arms, telling me that I would always be his, no matter how far I ran. Then he pushed me back against the counter and I slapped him across the face just as the belt came across my stomach, making me gasp and double over.
“You, bitch,” he had growled, bringing the belt across my back as I was on my hands and knees and it had made me scream. The sting of the leather on my skin as it reached me even through my tank, makes my eyes water now and I try to bury my face in the pillow to force it away, but the heat radiates over my body as another phantom strike lands, this time across my ass.
I had decided to fight back them, and had kicked him in the shins, taking advantage of his shock and bringing my arm up and into his face, throwing his head back. I had tried to get away, but the pain slowed me down and he caught me around one of my ankles, sending me to the floor again as I grasped at things on my counter; knocking everything to the floor.
His fists met my face I don’t know how many times as I kicked and slapped at him, but by then I was numb to the pain as I had endured it for our entire marriage. What was one more time, right? And I was determined in that moment to make it the last time, for the both of us. I didn’t want that bastard to own me any longer and I didn’t want to live with my mistakes. So many mistakes.
The rage, fear, and pain I had felt in those moments as he struck me over and over with the belt fills me and I sit up on the couch and throw the pillow at his damn shadow, hearing it connect with the wall and my trash can. I let out a frustrated scream as the tears spill over my lashes and I hold my face in my hands as the sobs take over. I hate Jake for doing what he did to me. I hate myself for being so weak that I let it happen, and letting it carry on for as long as it did.
My body shakes with all of these thoughts, emotions, and sobs running through me and I fall to my side on the thin carpeted floor. I see headlights coming toward my trailer and my phone starts to play Miranda Lambert’s, Gunpowder and Lead, and I know it’s my friend and co-worker, Chelsi, but I don’t get up to answer it. The headlights come close and I can hear the car running just outside my trailer even over my sobs. I curl around myself, wrapping my arms around my middle.
I want Bobby’s strong arms to come surround me, lifting me out of this haze as his hazel eyes pull my heart from this funk. I want his touch to wash over me as his lips bring me back to life. But no, that won’t happen. I want to hear his voice, calling me sweetheart in that damn Georgia drawl he has that is so sexy. No, that won’t happen either. I fucked all that up and it makes me sob a little harder and turn my face into the scratchy carpet.
I’m gripping the short, worn fibers in between my fingers as the light beaming through my living room from the headlights disappears and I hear a car door open then slam shut. I let out a loud, ear piercing scream that makes my head buzz and I try to curl into myself again. I just want to dissolve into this shitty carpet.
Light footsteps sound from my wooden steps and there’s a small knock at the door before it swings open and I lift my tear streaked face. It’s Chelsi, as I thought, and I just sob a little more at the worried expression on her freckle dotted face. She doesn’t say anything at first, just comes right over to me, pulling me up to a sitting position on the floor so that my back is against the couch and she settles in next to me, throwing her arm over my shoulders.
I lean my head on her shoulder and just let it out, I don’t care anymore. She knows the story and she just sits here with me as the last bit of the sunset fades away, my living room growing dark until she switches the TV on. As the scenes of a cheesy scary movie play out in front of my blurry eyes, I wipe my hand across my face and take a ragged breath. My entire body hurts now and I sink my head into Chelsi’s shoulder a little more, her arm tightening around me.
“Came to see if ya needed to talk,” she says as I straighten up, running my hands over my hair and I give her an ironic smile. The strawberry blonde haired girl just rests her head against my shoulder, the pin straight locks tangling with my curly, dark brown ones as I put my head against hers.
“I don’t really wanna talk.” I sigh, because I don’t. I just want to feel numb. “You wanna hang with me and watch stupid movies?” I turn my eyes to her and see her smile as she reaches into her purse, producing a little sandwich baggie and holding it in front of her face. She winks and her light green eyes reflect the meager light from the television.
“Do I want to know what those are?” I say, giving her a loud sigh as I scrape my hand over my face, no doubt smearing my already messed up makeup. I know the girl has demons and she knows I have mine. She’s dangling that little baggie in front of my face as if it is gold. The little pills inside spark my curiosity, I’m not going to lie. Also, I’m not going to lie about this either, I’ve thought about getting high with the girl more than once just to not feel like this anymore, if even for only a little while.
“Oxy. They’ll make you feel better, and I’ve had a shit-tasitc day myself.” I don’t say anything as I watch her open the bag and pick out two pills, holding one out for me to take. “Now these are pretty strong, so one should do the trick. You wanna chew or snort?”
I know, I know, I shouldn’t be even considering this. ‘Self-destruction is not the answer,’ the words my therapist has pounded into my head roll through, but right now, I just want to not feel anymore. I want this weight on my heart to dissolve and leave me, if only for a little while. I want a night where I can sleep and not wake up crying Bobby’s name. I take the offered pill and hold it in my palm, staring at it.
“I guess I’ll chew it,” I say after a few moments spent just staring at the little white circle in my hand. Chelsi gets up and after flicking on the lights, she tosses me a water bottle from the fridge, coming back to sit beside me once more. It tastes like shit, but I chew it real fast and try to swish it from my teeth with the cold water.
“It’ll make ya feel better, sista,” she says, leaning her head on my shoulder as she scrolls through the channels and I just mumble a response.
Right now, I don’t think anything will make me feel better. I know that I can get better, I am just feeling too weighed down to start pulling myself in that direction right now. I just need to not feel at all, for a little while, and as Chelsi laughs at a commercial for the new Anchor Man movie, I’m hoping those little pills will be my escape.
Closing my eyes, I swear I can see Bobby’s face, shaking his head at me and it makes my chest tighten more. It’s wrong, but the haze feels so good.
~~~
Bobby
Irag
“Get your fuckin’ ass over here, Hatter! Or we’re gonna deal you out!” I yell over my shoulder, listening to my voice echo slightly off the metal surfaces that make up the mess hall and hallway of our little barracks, calling for one of my fellow guards.
The jacked, tatted up, funny as shit Mad Hatter comes running in, almost knocking Donnie over as he passes the sink and he slides into the chair beside me, picking up his hand for the game of poker we are starting. Donnie grumbles a ‘Fuck you, man’ as I laugh at Hatter, and he flips D off over his tatted shoulder.
“Jesus, Bobby, could ya give me any shittier off a hand?” he asks, raising his dark eyebrow at me and peering his grey eyes over his cards, held close to his nose as usual. I shake my head at him and peek at my Ace-King suited by only picking up the corners. Leaning back in my chair, I look around the room, zoning out as Hatter tells one of his usual dirty jokes and the other guys debate about their bets.
I’ve been in the desert for four months, working this private security detail, our main job being to help guard an oil factory owned by some billionaire; but hey, it pays damn good. We’ve had to travel with the guy a couple of times and I’ve been to Afghanistan and Bahrain, but nothing tremendous has happened. Yeah, it’s a shit job, and sometimes dangerous as hell with all of the extremist terrorists lurking out here, but I had to get away. Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought of home, and of Ellie, every second of every day.
I still have a hard time sleeping at night, which is one of the reasons why I usually take the night patrol shift. I’d rather be awake, walking the metal walkways and hallways, checking for any disturbances along the electrified fences than lay awake, having her laugh ring in my ears as the vision of her perfect smile rolls through my mind, over and over. I haven’t called her, or text her, or anyone else for that matter, because I want to give her the time that she needs.
She was broken, and hell, so was I. I feel like a better man now, but I would be even better, I would be more complete, if I was back home with her. Will she still want me, though? Will she still be the sweet, sexy as hell, rowdy little thing she was before all of the lies broke our little world?
I was mad. I was pissed. I felt betrayed and hurt beyond belief as that asshole, Jake Heart, tossed out those pictures of her straddling Garth, kissing Brad on that day my world fell apart, again. Even now my chest starts to get tight and I shift in my seat as I remember that June day, out there on the football field. My leg starts to shake with the nerves running through my body, and in the back of my mind I hear the metal clicking against another metallic surface as my prosthetic taps into the table leg.
I realized later, after I had shipped out with these guys, when I had a clear head and the anger had dissipated somewhat, that her little night with them happened before we were together and she didn’t have to tell me about it. It’s not like I sat down and told her every little detail about my weekend fling with Kendall, so what business was it of mine to pry into her sex life? But still, it would have been nice to know that she had hooked up with two guys, who are boyfriends mind you, and who I consider good friends.
And I know, running away wasn’t the best answer to our problems, but hell, it was the only thing I could do at the time where I saw the outcome may be being good. I had, and still have, demons that make me think I should stay away from Ellie all together. When I lost my leg on Easter from that grenade, I changed. At first I was a little hateful and resentful to my SEAL brothers who were okay, but then I realized: I saved my brother, my best friend, Elliot from that grenade. Hell, I’m alive when I could be, and maybe should be, dead.
I wouldn’t have this throbbing pain in my chest when I think of Ellie if I were dead. I wouldn’t have known what it’s like to miss her arms around me, to miss her lips tracing the tattoo on my arm as a sly smile plays across them. I wouldn’t have to deal with the memory of the way her perfect, sexy body, melts into me when I lay the simplest touch on her soft skin. Fuck. I catch myself and shake my head to try and get the image from my head, looking to my cards on the table once more as the guys around me are laughing at God only knows what.
These guys know most of my story. They know I left to get away from a fucked up situation with a woman, but that’s about it. They probably draw their own conclusions, but we don’t really get that personal out here. For fuck’s sake, I don’t even know Mad Hatter’s real name, everyone just calls him Hatter because of the enormous and awesome tattoo that covers his right shoulder and arm. The top, covering his shoulder, is a laughing skull that has a stars and stripes top hat cocked to the side. Then from the skulls neck comes a red, white, and blue tie that swirls around his arm, complete with the four horsemen of the apocalypse entwined in there with fire filling in behind the red, white, and blue. It’s an amazing piece of work and it’s actually spurred me to get more tattoos of my own; one on my right calf, one across my shoulder blades, and one on my chest.
Donnie’s angry voice breaks my musing and as I lift my head I see him come up behind Hatter and take the guy in a chokehold, pulling him from his chair and to the floor. No one else in the room moves, including me, as the two men tussle on the floor, but when one of them kicks the table, almost knocking it over, one of the other guys, Tony, kicks at them. “Watch what you’re doin’, fuckers,” he yells, tossing his bet into the pile in the middle of the table.
There are eleven other guys stationed here with me, all from different walks of life and different military backgrounds. Take Donnie, for instance. He’s thirty-five, divorced, and a former Army Ranger. His specialties are explosives, which he loves to play with since we’re out in the middle of nowhere and we rarely have anything to do beside walk the grounds back and forth. Hatter, on the other hand, is maybe twenty-eight and a former Marine who was deep inside MARSOC almost the instant he enlisted right out of high school, specializes in hand to hand combat; and as I sneak a peek at Hatter’s cards, I see them wrestling from the corner of my eye as he gains the upper hand.
“Say it, old man!” he yells triumphantly as he holds Donnie’s arm above his pinned down body in a painful looking position and Donnie grunts, his face turning ten shades of red. Hatter laughs, smiling up at me, and for a second his eyes remind me of someone, kind of, but then the thought disappears as Donnie’s angry voice fills the air.
“Get off me, mother fucker!” He tries to shake Hatter from his back, but it’s no use. I’ve been in one of his submission holds, and let me tell you, they are painful as hell. Hatter pushes his arm up a little more and Donnie grunts again. “Okay, okay! You’re gonna dislocate my arm. Fine! You’re the man! Hatter is the man!”
Hatter jumps off of him, pumping his fists in the air triumphantly and everyone can’t help but laugh. Reminds me of myself when I was still a SEAL, cocky as fuck and itching to show off. Only thing is, Hatter is older than me, but it looks like he’s one of those that will never, ever, grow up, and that’s okay by me. He’s a good source of entertainment.
He sits beside me, animatedly recalling his actions as if we all hadn’t just witnessed them in person, but I’m lost again, staring at my left forearm and the pirate ship tattooed there, remembering how Ellie used to love to trace it with her fingers. Like the day at the pond, when I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her that I love her; afterward as she was lying on top of me her fingers traced the lines ever so lightly. Her perfect body was tucked into my side, her cheek on my chest as I ran my fingers through her short hair. It is one memory that I will never forget and it will never be tainted by the shit storm that had followed, because in that moment when it was just her and I, we were perfect.
I swear I can feel her fingertips tracing my arm and goose-bumps rise on my skin even though it’s almost eighty degrees in here. Looking down at my arm again, a flash of her blue-green eyes flows through my head and I can’t help but let my eyes slide shut as a sly smile lifts up the corner of my lips.
“What the hell are you smiling at, Timmons?” Hatter’s voice brings me from my little world in a snap and I look up to see all of the guys around the table staring at me. It only takes a second and a few of them chuckle lightly, probably knowing I was thinking about a girl and Donnie finally slides into his seat on the other side of me, elbowing me.
“Leave the kid alone.” He nods to Hatter as he passes a plate of nachos to me. “Besides, not everyone is as heartless when it comes to women as you are, Griggs!”
The guys all laugh, but I’m having a mild heart attack. What the fuck did Donnie just call Hatter? No, I must be hearing things. They are arguing around me as I look to Hatter, and I mean really look. Dark hair, grey eyes. Nope, can’t be.
“Oh shut the hell up, Griggs,” one of the other guys, Rory, spits out between a mouthful of chips and I choke on the swig of beer that I thought would help me. There it is again.
The guys are all looking at me as I cough. Donnie claps me on the back, telling me to cough it up and I just shake my head. I unintentionally slam my beer bottle down on the table, and their stares continue to bear down on me.
“What the hell’s up with you, Timmons?” Hatter says, raising an eyebrow at me as I eye him up again, trying to tell my brain all of these connections I’m pulling on between the man sitting before me and the woman who holds my heart are just fabrications of my tired mind. “Hello? Earth to Timmons? Did your little dirty dream you had a minute ago erase your memory? Who were you dreamin’ about?” He laughs and I can’t help but smile.
“Your sister,” I say and he stops, his jaw setting and I know I’ve got him.
“What the hell did you just say?” His fists almost crunch up the cards in his hand as I don’t move my eyes from him.
“What the hell did they just call you?” I want to hear him say it so I know I’m not going stir crazy in this desert.
“They called me by my last name. What’s it to you?”
“And what’s that?”
“Griggs,” he grinds out and I can tell I’m pissing him off. Fuck me. Ellie’s brother is sitting beside me and I’ve shared numerous shifts, stories, and drunken fists fights with the man. “And how do you know I have a sister?”
“Because I love her,” I don’t hesitate to say, and I see his eyes ignite.