39

Risks

Pan leaned back against the counter, his hands beside him, his palms resting on the butcher-block with his fingers drumming along the edge. All the while that I’d been telling him about how Jem, Sumi, and Eliana came to be here—with Jem expounding occasionally and Eliana interjecting whenever she felt like it—Pan’s expression had only contracted: his eyebrows pinching and his full lips pressing into an anxious frown.

He’d come over to check on me and invite me to brunch, since we hadn’t seen each other since we’d gotten back to Merellä. Instead he was getting everything dumped on him, so I understood his growing unease.

Jem and I stood across from him in the small kitchen. Eliana was in the living room, practicing an exercise dance that Sumi had taught her.

“Sumi is an Älvolk, right?” Pan asked when we’d gotten to the end, and he looked to Jem for confirmation, who nodded. “Does she know why they stole so much of Ulla’s blood?”

“We don’t know exactly what they’re doing with it, but we think that her unique parentage makes her tolerate it well, so they took as much as they could,” Jem said.

“Unique parentage?” Pan echoed, and looked at me in surprise. “You know who your parents are?”

“Yeah, it all just came together,” I said sheepishly. “Thor Elak and Senka.”

“Thor?” His eyes widened. “The Omte King?”

I nodded. “Elof did a familial match with Furston.”

“Wait,” Eliana said, and stopped her dance exercise. “Did you say Senka is your mother? But isn’t she my mother?”

I took a deep breath and faced her. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her, but I guessed this was how it was happening. “I think we’re half-sisters.”

She put her hands to her face and let out an earsplitting scream. Her skin started changing—her usual deep tan became a rapidly shifting kaleidoscope of colors, and her long hair rippled bright green.

“This is the best news!” She ran over to me and literally leapt so I had to catch her. When I put her back down, her skin and hair returned to normal, and she smiled up at me with tears in her eyes. “I was looking for you, wasn’t I?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“You must’ve been why I came here,” Eliana insisted definitively. “I had to find my sister.”

“Maybe, Ellie,” Jem allowed. “But we don’t know anything for certain.”

“No, I know it in my heart of hearts,” she persisted. And then she twirled around and went back to doing her dancercise.

“I don’t mean to change the subject, but I find it hard to believe that Sumi grew up with the Älvolk, yet she has no idea what they did to Ulla or Eliana,” Pan said, a harsh skepticism hardening his words.

“Sumi hasn’t lived with them in quite some time, and their motivations never made sense to either of us,” Jem said.

“She thinks they’re trying to open the bridge to Alfheim,” I said.

“And that’s a bad idea because Alfheim is dangerous?” Pan asked, still sounding dubious.

“Forgive me. I overstated myself,” Jem replied with a sharp smile. “I can only truly say that nothing I have seen in your kingdoms would withstand a single attack from a wyrm.”

Pan looked away then, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stared down at the floor. “The Älvolk stole Ulla’s blood to let monsters from your land into ours, and we don’t know how to stop it.”

“We would know a lot more about what’s going on if I could just remember the Lost Month,” I said.

“Yeah, it’d be nice if any of us could remember,” Pan muttered.

“But maybe I can,” I said.

Pan narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Elof tried something with the Ögonen and Dagny,” I said.

“The thing where Dagny nearly died?” Pan asked incredulously. “No way. That’s way too dangerous.”

“She didn’t nearly die,” I argued—though, truthfully, he probably knew better how it had gone, since he was there and I wasn’t.

But the way Dagny had explained it to me, it didn’t sound that bad. Elof had brought an Ögonen into his lab, and they did something like what Sunniva and Tove had done with me back in Förening. Dagny lay down, the Ögonen put their hands on her head, and in their attempt to restore her memories, she’d overheated—dramatically enough that she had singed off her eyebrow and required healing for internal injuries.

“You don’t know that,” Pan replied.

“I know that she’s fine now,” I persisted. “And I’m stronger than her.”

His jaw set, and he inhaled deeply through his nose. Then, almost quietly, he said, “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Neither do I.” I gave him a weak smile, but that did nothing to assuage the worry darkening his eyes. “I survived the Lost Month. I think I can survive remembering it.”

“The Älvolk magic is very old and very powerful. It’s not something to combat lightly,” Jem advised.

“I won’t,” I assured him before Pan could latch on to his comment. “And Elof would not let me do anything like that.”

“So that’s what you’re doing today?” Pan asked. “Contacting Elof?”

“Yes,” I said, as if that had been my plan all along and not something that had just occurred to me when Pan suggested it. “That, and helping everyone get settled.” I motioned around.

Jem took that as a cue and went into the living area to join Eliana in her dance.

“So brunch is off the table,” Pan said.

I walked over and leaned back against the counter beside him. “Dagny and Sumi went to get food and supplies. I’m sure there’ll be enough for one more.”

“Thanks.” He hesitated, holding my gaze heavily, and I once again marveled at the beauty in the depth of his warm, dark eyes. “But I think you’ve already got your hands full here.”

I tentatively put my hand on his. “There’s always room for you.”

“Ulla, can I talk to Hanna again?” Eliana asked loudly.

They’d already chatted for an hour that morning, and so I wasn’t depriving her when I told her, “Not right now. Can we talk about it in a little bit?”

“Fine,” she said, but her expression turned poutier than normal. She always looked kinda pouty because her bottom lip was slightly larger than the top, but now she was especially sour.

“Actually, I should head out, so you can talk about it now,” Pan said, and stepped away from the counter.

“Pan, you don’t have to go,” I said.

“I know,” he assured me. “I thought I’d hit up Calder and see if I can find any books that might help us figure out what the Älvolk are up to.” He looked back at me. “You can see me out, though, if you want.”

Once we were out on the landing and the front door was closed behind us, I asked, “Is everything okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I think I’m still in shock seeing Eliana and everything.” Then his expression shifted. “And you! You found out who your parents are. How are you really doing with all of that?”

“Truthfully, I don’t know.” I shook my head. “That’s why I didn’t tell you about Thor being my . . . my dad. I just didn’t want to talk about it with anybody.”

“Hey, no, you don’t owe me an explanation,” he said. “You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready.”

I squeezed his hand. “Thanks for understanding.”

“And . . .” He paused and glanced back toward the door. “. . . and I don’t need to worry about you and Jem, do I?”

“No,” I said emphatically, hoping the shameful heat in my cheeks didn’t show. “It’s not like that at all.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” He shook his head. “I’m feeling a little insecure, and that’s not your problem. Especially not right now. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“I don’t know if it is, but anyway.” He forced a smile at me. “I should get going. But I’ll talk to you later, all right?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, and then he jogged down the stairs.