KIM
After a round of thunderous applause, all the musicians went backstage. The smile planted on my face was hollow. I had performed well and it had been fine, but the applause scared me. As soon as I’d started to enjoy the feeling of the performance, a different sort of anxiety had creeped in. The standing ovations and accolades from my peers felt unwarranted and excessive. I hadn’t earned this. But I smiled and took the compliments. Carla’s reaction still weighed on the back of my mind. Hopefully, we could all forget about this and go back to normal when she returned.
What had Devlin thought? Had he noticed the hyper-extension? Or the over-correction right after? Had he heard the wobble of my bow? His face had been unreadable throughout the whole performance, as usual. His eyes had been focused in concentration and his strong build filled with tension as he led us. At one point, it had almost seemed like his eyes had held a smile. Which was crazy, really. The Devil didn’t smile. That was the nice part about not seeing his whole face at once. I could really tell myself that he was smiling and there was no substantive proof to tell me otherwise.
“Where have you been hiding?” Erin ran up to me and squeezed my hands.
I laughed and hugged her. We were both slightly damp from the performance, but who cared? She beamed and so did I.
“It was nothing,” I said.
“A new tutor?” she asked with a glint in her eye.
“No, no.” Devlin still hadn’t brought up whether I planned to work with him, and I was grateful. I understood what an opportunity this was, but a larger part worried about the fallout. It would lead to attention and other … The other scared me.
“Well, you were fantastic. There’s my mom—I need to go talk to her.” We hugged again and Erin was off.
“You were too,” I called after her.
My stomach growled loud enough to be heard over the excited chatter around me. Now it was time for food and water. I’d spent the whole day with pre-show jitters at a whole new level due to the unexpected solo. As the adrenaline wore off, my body shook with hunger. My parents had shot me big grins and thumbs ups from their seats near the front after the performance. While they were artists, they weren’t musicians, so they would only ever notice a mistake if it was major.
I skulked around the backstage hoping to see a snack table or a friendly-looking waiter. Somewhere there was a whole catering area set up for the meal up front, but I would be fine with a vending machine at this point. The old back hallways smelled faintly of mildew and memories.
Eureka! Far down an old hallway near a rattling water fountain stood a well-stocked vending machine. I tapped my lip. Cookies, or something with a little more substance? Why not both? The emergency dollar I kept stashed in my bra was almost in the slot when a man’s voice cut through the back area.
“Hey, don’t I know you?”
I spun around to see a handsome man approaching, his highly-polished dress shoes glinting in the light. His fair skin was accented with sharp cheek bones and full lips that were quirked as though he were waiting for me to get the punchline. His almost-white blonde hair was slicked back with gel and was as sophisticated as his tuxedo. His eyes though? I’d know those sky-blue babies anywhere. As my recognition grew, so did his grin.
“Roddy?” I shook my head.
Roderick Chagny. My first love. I blinked and took in his appearance. He was more handsome now as a grown man. So handsome. His features had gone from cute, almost feminine, to strikingly masculine. He could have been a model for Scandinavian vodka.
“It is you.” Snacks forgotten, I stepped toward the reminder of my past.
“Yo-Yo, I can’t believe it.” I shook my head at the nickname he’d called me most of my adolescence.
I threw open my arms and wrapped them around his neck. He held me tight. He was muscles, sharp bones, and expensive cologne now; such a different feel than the thin frame I used to hug all the time. I started to pull back, but he held on a second longer. He tucked his head into my neck and groaned a little as he squeezed me tight. Him being back and knowing he saw my solo tonight added to my already muddled brain.
“God, look at you.” He finally released me, his eyes glinting as they moved over my face. “You haven’t aged a day.”
We held each other’s hands and grinned like children as we shared looks of happy disbelief.
“What are you doing here?” I asked finally.
“I’m in town visiting my folks. They wanted me to see Carla’s solo. They want me to represent her.” He grimaced. “But then you came up. I knew it was you the second I saw you. My God, you’re even more beautiful than I remember.”
I blushed. It was Roddy, all these years later. Roddy from orchestra camp. First chair violin. Adored by all, and my first boyfriend. My guardian angel. He’d been the one to keep me going with his words. Even after Jethro and the time at the retreat. It was his notes I had pulled from my memory to keep me going.
He interrupted my thoughts. “You were amazing tonight. Perfect. Nobody could tear their eyes away from you.”
“Thank you.” I shook my head. I hadn’t been perfect at all. I was sloppy from nerves, especially at first.
It was hard to be complimented on my talent. I took it with a combination of modesty and deflection. “I’ve been practicing a lot lately.”
“It shows,” he said. “I can’t believe it’s you.”
“I can’t believe you’re back. You’re so huge now.” I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. “I mean successful.” I had heard that Roddy had left playing music himself to manage soloists instead. “I’ve heard of some of your clients—Markus Savagno and Caroline Tetch. She’s touring Asia right now, isn’t she? So impressive.”
His dimple appeared with a sheepish grin. “Just lucky.”
“Luck is timing and preparation,” I said quoting one of his notes from so many years ago.
I quoted them all the time, but only I knew that.
He shuffled with hands deep in his pockets and smiled at the ground. “You’re right. Thank you. They’re amazing clients. But tonight is about you. That performance. You should hear the buzz … I can’t believe you’re Christine Day. When did you change your name?”
“My parents thought I should have a—a stage name after …”
He cut me off. “We don’t have to talk about all that.”
Most people never wanted to discuss the darker parts of my past. It was a blip on the radar and people preferred to ignore it. Christine Day was all that mattered now. But maybe Roddy and I could talk about it. Maybe he was back to finally help me move on with my life. My chest lightened for the first time since Carla had missed practice.
“We should go out.”
“Now?” I glanced longingly again at the snacks.
“Are you too busy to celebrate?”
“Celebrate what?”
“Your successful solo.”
I frowned at that. It should have been Carla’s solo. My stomach growled loudly, and I made a face.
“I was actually about to get a snack.” I thumbed behind me to the vending machine.
He grimaced. “Don’t eat that. Come back to my box. My parents had it all set up. I have real food.”
Roddy tugged me away down the hall and I mourned the trail mix still in the snack machine. By the time we climbed back up the flights of stairs, made small talk with a few acquaintances, and wound through a pressing crowd, I was pretty dizzy. With how regularly I worked out and practiced, my blood sugar tended to be an issue. I knew better than to wait this long to eat and drink. I was highly susceptible to coquettish fits of fainting. It was pretty embarrassing actually, so I was diligent about snacking regularly.
Roddy’s box, or rather, his parent’s box, sat just left of the stage, high up with an amazing view. The room spun a little as I plopped into one of the chairs. I’d never been so grateful to stop moving.
He handed me a glass of champagne. I held up my hand and shook my head. “No thank you. I don’t drink.”
“Not even to celebrate your fantastic performance?” he asked.
I didn’t feel like arguing. I just smiled and accepted the glass.
“Cheers.” He tinged his glass against mine and took a hearty gulp. He eyed me closely, raising his eyebrows. I brought the glass to my lips and took a tentative sip.
“Cheers.”
Even the small drop in my stomach seemed to burn. Rationally, I understood that one tiny sip of fancy champagne wasn’t going to set me down a path of self-destruction again. But it was best if I steered clear. I set the glass back down and smiled.
“You don’t seem as happy as you should,” he said with a concerned frown. “You’re probably just in shock from everything. You just found out today you were going to play, right?”
“I’m happy. It’s been a lot really fast, and I think I just need to eat.”
He glanced around the box suite lined in red velvet curtains with gold tassels. “Looks like they cleared the food already. Let me go track some down. You drink that champagne.” He pulled me close and kissed my cheek with a little growl. “I’m so happy to see you again.”
I nodded and smiled.
As soon as he left, I sat back into the seat and pressed my palm to my forehead. The skin there was clammy and cool to the touch despite how I burned up. I needed to eat. I needed to breathe. For the past ten years, I had followed the same strict schedule and now all this change was all too much, too soon. I bent forward, holding my knees and taking big gulps of air as best I could as the doctors had suggested.
Something snagged my attention on the floor near the opposite seat. A folded piece of paper.
My shaky hand reached out and snagged it.
It read: Don’t let nerves make you sloppy. You’re better than that.
I smiled and gripped the note to my chest, still in that same familiar handwriting. Never had a critique felt so good. Roddy was still leaving me notes. He may have upgraded his lifestyle, but he was still my best friend from camp.
I re-read the note, gripping it with trembling fingers. Roddy wanted me to be happy and successful. I picked up the champagne and stared at it for a long minute. I could relax and have a nice time. I took a big sip. The past was the past. I would be okay.
The note was still gripped in my hand when Roddy returned a few minutes later wearing the charming, easy smile of the kid that I knew. Maybe it was the high of night or the buzz of the champagne, but I felt like it had to be fate that we’d met back up like this. I’d always wished I could end up with the one who had given me all those treasured notes. Obviously, I was just getting to know Roddy again and I didn’t want to rush anything, but still, what if he had been the missing piece all these years?
“The bad news: I couldn’t find food. Good news: I pilfered a bottle of Dom Pérignon from the VIP bar.” He held up the contraband as he walked into the box and closed the door behind him. “Finish that glass and we can get this party started.”
I handed him my empty glass. My stomach burned but the effects of the champagne muted my hunger a little. Maybe I’d regret this later, but a piece of my past had been returned to me and I wouldn’t overthink it.
I smiled at him wondering if I looked as foggy as I felt.
“You seem more relaxed,” he said.
He popped the cork from the bottle. It fizzed over and I clapped.
“I’m just happy to see you again. Look what I found,” I whispered and leaned in with a grin.
His gaze moved to my hand and the note I held up. He patted his pocket. “You found that.”
I nodded and waited to speak until the room stopped moving.
“You’re not mad?” he asked hesitantly.
“No. I love your notes.” I wanted to tell him how much they had meant to me, how it helped to think that he was out there somewhere rooting for me. I bit back the words; I knew the champagne was loosening my tongue and I didn’t want to come on too strong. “I missed them. I missed you.”
He grabbed my hand with the note and squeezed. “I missed you too.” He tried to take the note back, but I pulled away.
“Nope. I want to keep it. I still have all the other ones.”
“You do?” His smile faltered for a moment before sliding back in place. Maybe my intensity had freaked him out after all. I slid the note into my pants pocket, letting it go for now.
“Tell me about your life these last few years.” I changed the subject putting on a relaxed tone.
“Busy.” He grinned as he stood and grabbed my glass to refill it.
“I messaged you online. After … camp.”
“You did?” He held up the glass to the soft lights in the walls to check the level then poured a little more.
“Yeah. Just a few times. I knew you were romping all over the world, making it big. But I thought maybe you’d want to catch up.”
There was so much left unsaid after camp. Maybe getting closure on that time of my life was more important than I’d realized, because his reappearance felt like hope.
He sat in the chair across from me and spun us so that our knees almost touched. “My assistant might have thought it was spam. He helps manage all that. It’s been a whirlwind since graduation.”
“I’m sure. You’re so successful now. I’m not mad. I’d just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.” I shrugged. I’d gotten over being mad and upset. A lot of people disappeared from my life after I lost my scholarship. I had gained the SWS. They were true friends. I’d traded up and I had no regrets. Except for Roddy. His sudden disappearance had hurt the most after everything we had gone through. Then again, grief hits everyone differently; he had coped as best as he could.
He leaned forward and rubbed a thumb over my cheek. “If I had known you’d reached out to me …” His gaze dropped to my lips. “I thought of you a lot. I regret not finding you sooner.”
Though it was crazy, it really felt like he was about to kiss me. I brought the glass to my mouth and took a long sip of champagne.
“But I’m here now. We’re together again and that’s all that matters.” He leaned back in his chair and smiled at me. “You’re so beautiful.”
I shook my head and studied my hands in my lap. It wasn’t that I wasn’t flattered; I just didn’t know what to say. I had little control over my appearance, which was totally subjective. Exterior beauty was never a good indication of the quality of content inside.
“Tell me about you,” I said, hoping he’d go with the subject change. “Where do you even live now?”
“Oh boy, where do I start? I lived in LA for a while. Too fake.” He grimaced. “Then New York. Too jaded. Then I traveled for work. Now, I use my folks’ house as my permanent address to keep it simple.”
“Are you going to be here in Knoxville for a while?”
He held up his glass. “I’m starting to think it would be nice.”
I sucked in my bottom lip. The little bit of champagne hit me suddenly, and I was ready to call it a night.
“I should probably get going. This has been so great—catching up. But I have an early morning.” I tried to stand but I moved too fast and got a head rush. I sat back down to steady myself. “Can I have some water?”
“Of course. But let’s not wrap this up just yet. We’ve hardly talked.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “No. I mean that sounds good, but I think I need to go find my parents. They’d love to meet you. I told them all about you every time I got back from camp.”
“I can’t wait to meet them. They’re probably wonderful. Of course, how could they not be? Look at their daughter.”
“Yeah, they’re great.” I smiled. He said everything just right. “Roddy, can I have some water?” I thought I had already asked but maybe I hadn’t. “I don’t feel great.”
“You always did have a sensitive constitution. Remember that one time we stole peach schnapps from the camp counselors and snuck out to the lake at midnight? That was a great night.”
“We had some great times.” I smiled even though the thought of that lake only added to my nausea. “Water. Please.” I knew my voice sounded firmer than I meant it too.
He let out an exaggerated sigh. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”
“Can you find my parents too? I’d like to go home.”
He chuckled. “Sure, lightweight.”
I had my head back and eyes closed before he was even out of the room. I just needed the room to stop spinning. I heard the door open and his steps recede. I must’ve fallen asleep because it seemed like he was back in the room only a second later. The door opened and shut softly.
“Did you find my parents?” My voice sounded slurred even to my own ears. I was a lightweight. I shouldn’t have drank at all. I knew better than that. Why did I let myself get talked into doing things I knew I would regret for the sake of other people’s comfort? My eyes wanted to stay closed.
Roddy didn’t answer. I startled when arms wrapped around me; one under my neck and the other behind my knees. He scooped me up with no problem.
“I can walk. I’m fine.” I nuzzled into his shoulder, putting no feeling behind the words. My cheek brushed the starchy fabric of his suit coat. The flexed muscles were tense with the effort to hold me. Talk about a real-life glow-up.
It was nice to have Roddy back in my life. I hadn’t been looking for change, but maybe I wouldn’t have to feel so alone having somebody who knew the dark truth of what happened at camp. I stopped trying to fight the drowsiness, and let the darkness take over.
The last thing I heard was, “Kim,” in a deep rumble. My real name. I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed hearing that name until it was whispered in my ear.