DEVLIN
It was Wes’s stupid idea to go out. I was perfectly fine staying at home, working on my current composition and brooding. Just another Thursday night for me.
We were at Genie’s, not because the SWS was having a meeting there, but because Kim had technically invited me. I’d finally caught her after rehearsal with the SOOK today, after her previous clear avoidance of me. I still hadn’t heard what she’d thought of the Ford’s Fosters rehearsal. She brushed me off quickly, saying she had plans before rushing off. Maybe she’d felt obliged, but she had technically invited me. When Wes had wanted to go out for drinks, I suggested the only decent bar in town. It wasn’t anything more than that.
The bar was packed. Wes snagged us a small standing table near the dance floor, hidden from the rest of the room. I could push my cover down to drink without drawing attention in the darkness. My gaze very casually scanned the room. A brunette waitress came to take our order.
I said, “Two of whatever draft is on special.”
She winked and said, “You got it. Anything to eat?”
“Just the drinks,” Wes said with his usual charm.
She politely smiled back and went on her way.
“What’s Kelly up to?” I asked dryly.
“She’s putting the kids down,” Wes said. “I can only stay for one drink. I was promised some ‘Netflix and chill’ later.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
We chatted for a while and I positioned myself so that I could see Kim as she spoke with her friends. Whatever she talked about had her going. Her cheeks were bright red and her delicate hands mimicked catching a large bass. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall of that conversation.
“Remember that time you peed your bed in third grade?” Wes said loudly.
I blinked my attention back to him. “What?”
“You are listening. Just checking.”
“I didn’t pee my bed. That was you, dumbass.”
He shrugged. “I see your Kim is here. That’s a strange coincidence.”
I frowned. “Not mine. Don’t talk like that, or I will have her come over and lecture you on people being treated as property.”
He shuddered. “I learned my lesson the first time. Still. I can’t help but think maybe you aren’t being honest about your feelings for her.”
The label of my beer sat in a pile of strips. “She isn’t what I expected.”
“In a good way?”
“I’m not sure. She seems to be two different people. Christine at work and then Kim at my house. Christine is the ideal musician; prompt and dedicated. But Kim is funny. So funny. And she’s just so open. And talented. I knew she was. But I had forgotten how much power there was in her playing.”
Wes raised his eyebrows and took a long pull from his beer. “Have you told her any of that?”
“God, no.”
“Why?”
I just shook my head. My feelings for Kim were complicated. I settled on. “I’m her conductor.”
He nodded. “I get it. You want to make it through the season without being fired. Still … You could show her that there is more to you than the masked-man schtick.”
I glared up at him.
“You obviously like her but don’t want to screw up. I get it. So let it be her choice. I’m not trying to make you cross any lines, but don’t forget the ultimate secret weapon at your disposal.”
“Secret weapon?”
“For wooing!” he said and slapped the table. “Come on man, you know you have a super-power.”
“With great power comes great responsibility,” I grumbled into my glass before I gulped down the rest of my beer. My hands started to shake. A very bad idea was settling in.
“Talents are wasted on nerds. One song,” he said. “It’ll be fun.”
My heart started hammering. Going on stage … people watching …
“Lay off me,” I snapped.
“Don’t do that,” Wes said, completely unfazed. “Don’t get pissy with me because you don’t like what I’m saying.”
I crossed my arms tight and my foot tapped wildly.
He shook his head at me. “I forget how shy you are.”
“I’m not shy.” Shy wasn’t the right word. It was more than that. “Not everybody can charm a salesman out of his wallet.”
“I can’t turn it off,” he said. “Do what you want, but don’t be an idiot.”
“Rich, coming from you.”
He hadn’t been trying to piss me off. Well, he never tried. That also came naturally for him. But in his defense, I sometimes got ticked off if I felt myself being pushed into something I didn’t want.
“Ha. Look, I gotta go.” He stood up, pulled out a twenty and threw it on the table. He came around to hug me goodbye. “I’m glad you’re back in town.”
“You said that last time.”
“That’s cause I mean it.”
“It’s not all bad being back here,” I admitted.
“Don’t screw up and leave us all again.” He gripped my shoulder and looked seriously into my eyes. “It nearly broke Ma when you stayed away so long. Stay here. With your nieces and family. Do what it takes to make it permanent.”
“Why do you think I’m working so hard?”
He shook me lightly. “Then keep at it. And don’t be a chickenshit,” he said nodding at the open mic flyer on the wall.
“Goodbye, brother,” I said.
“Goodbye, brother,” he mimicked me.
After he left, I flagged down the server for a shot of tequila and asked about the line-up for tonight.
“Now or never,” she said as she set down the shot. “There’s an opening, but you gotta go up now.”
“Thanks.” I pulled down my mask to take the shot quickly before pulling it back up. Her eyes squinted like she was trying to place me. I wiped my mouth and walked away as she opened her mouth to speak.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and stepped on the stage.
I got behind the piano and felt the room take notice behind me. I hadn’t played for an audience in a very long time. A familiar thrill of nerves energized me. My back was to the audience because it was an accompanist piano, off to the side of the stage. I tugged my mask down. My hands shook as I played a few chords to warm up. I launched into the opening stanza, hoping the jitters would wear off as my voice warmed up. At least Elton John was an almost-guaranteed crowd pleaser. My fingers found the notes easily.
I was desperate to turn around and gauge Kim’s reaction to the song. God, if only I could play like this for her all the time. But I felt it—I felt the bar’s energy coursing through me, felt the transformative power of a great fucking song. My body came alive as I played. My voice belted out the words. I was raw with explosive energy. I’d missed this—playing for people. I thought I’d shut this part of my life away. But here I was, loving every second of it.
As the whoops and applause broke out, I pulled my mask back into place and stood to bow.
Kim and her friends had made their way to the front and were clapping and pumping their arms. I jumped off the short stage and pulled Kim into a hug. When we pulled apart, she looked as dazed as I felt. I hadn’t thought about doing that. I was just buzzing with adrenaline and my body moved without thinking.
Gretchen smacked my shoulder with the back of her hand. “Erik Jones in the flesh.”
My eyes widened. Nobody seemed to hear it in the cacophony of the bar.
“Gretchen!” Kim punched her in the arm.
“Ouch! What the fuck?”
“Language,” Suzie warned.
“It’s not like anybody could hear me.” Gretchen rubbed her arm with a frown.
“Still,” Kim eyes were wide imploring. “This was exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“How many people would connect that random guy in Genie’s with the pop star?”
“Okay, you have got to stop talking.” Kim grabbed my hand and pulled me away from her group of chattering friends.
The ones who weren’t talking were staring at me with wide, shell-shocked eyes. The blonde whispered to the brunette and I swear I heard her ask about an autograph as I was tugged to a quiet corner near an old cigarette machine.
This was exactly what I was afraid of. In any other circumstance, I would have just been a guy. I wanted to, God, I dunno, impress her? I’m such a tool. This was what I got for listening to Wes about anything. I wanted to show her something more than my instructor side without giving away too much of what I felt for her. But it backfired. I didn’t think they’d all recognize me. This was why I wore the mask. How differently would I be treated now? Because now I was only some former celebrity with a crap career.
“Hey.” Her finger poked my cheek and I cursed the mask for the distance between our skin. “I can’t tell, but I’m pretty sure you’re frowning under there. Don’t worry about them. They won’t say anything. They’re just surprised. They are of that generation that was a little, uh, obsessed with you. Not me. I wasn’t. I definitely didn’t have posters of you all over my room …”
“I’m not worried about it.” I was bothered though.
She shifted from foot to foot, studying the scuffed-up wooden floor. “That was an awesome performance.”
“Thanks.” I studied her, desperate to see any signs of her feelings. “It’s a classic song.”
Her hair was down tonight in a straight, dark style that fell almost all the way down her back. It had been in a tight twist today at rehearsals. Had she come straight here? I imagined her shaking her hair loose. Pulling her fingers through it, back arched … slow motion.
Jesus Christ, I needed another drink.
“Sure. But your singing …” Her cheeks flushed too. She was half a breath from twirling hair around her finger.
And there it was. She looked at me with hearts in her eyes. We had been making such strides with my composition. But all at once, I was a teen pop star again. A crappy one, at that. It was one thing to see my face these last months, but it was different to hear me play this kind of music. I triggered a fangirl crush she’d kept hidden. I wanted to be more than that to her. Would I ever just be Erik to her? I wanted to be more than a Maestro, more than a popstar. The rest of the world be damned, what did she think of the real me?
“Well, anyway. I promise that they won’t bother you about it. And they won’t say anything, okay?”
I nodded and tucked my hands deep in my pockets.
“I’m going to go back to my, uh, meeting. I’m glad I got to see you here tonight.” She spoke seriously enough that I forced myself to meet her gaze. “It was nice to see you outside of practice or rehearsals. Sometimes, it’s nice to just feel the music and be reminded. You know? Yeah, you know.” She licked her lips.
“Yeah.”
“You could probably come hang out for a drink but I wasn’t technically allowed to invite boys. It’s against the code …”
“Don’t worry about it.” I waved away her offer.
“Okay, well, bye.” She stepped up on her toes to kiss my cheek. The one little sliver of exposed skin between the mask. Her lips were warm and soft. Her head bumped the bill of my hat. She giggled and rubbed her forehead. “Sorry.”
She walked away quickly with fists balled and a little shake of her head.
It was time to leave. Coming here and performing like that had been a lapse in judgement. I went to the bar to square up my bill. I was glaring at the bar top when someone sidled up next to me. I wasn’t in the mood.
“I feel bad.” It was the redhead, Gretchen. “I shouldn’t have spilled your secret identity to the whole bar.”
I shrugged but didn’t face her.
“Nobody heard me,” she said.
“It’s fine,” I grumbled.
“I’m easily excitable and sometimes words just blah,” she said, motioning words coming out of her mouth with her hand. “But it isn’t my jam to spill people’s secrets. I’m usually like a vault.”
I tilted my head to convey my disbelief.
“It’s true.” She blew out a long breath making a show of it. “Like I wouldn’t tell you, an almost total stranger, that Kim was a big fan of you back in the day. She tried to hide it, but your song was always playing. It was her go-to bad mood song. You know the song that makes you get up and shake your tail feather no matter how dark the day is?”
I sighed and turned toward her. “Like a vault, huh?”
“It’s true. I wouldn’t tell you that. Because that was forever ago. She’s hardly the same person now. Definitely not the same person that used to keep a shoebox full of old notes.”
I cleared my throat. Despite the cold dread her other news brought me, this had me taking notice. “Notes?”
“Yeah, from some band camp. I definitely wouldn’t tell you what those meant to her.”
Heat burned down the back of my neck. It took all my strength not to run to Kim ask her about it.
“And I absolutely would not tell you that Roderick Chagny has been taking credit for them her whole life.”
My whole body jolted. “What? That pea-brained, coattail-riding little shit? He wouldn’t know how to compose a grocery list, let alone a note.”
Gretchen shrugged like I had a minute ago. “Not my business. Things locked inside.” She acted out locking her mouth with a key.
“Why are you telling me this? I thought you didn’t trust me.” The last time I was around her, she had given me a definite look. In fact, I think she’d even whispered a not-so-thinly-veiled threat.
“I don’t trust you, but I trust Roderick Chagny less.”
“Something tells me you don’t trust men,” I said.
She pulled from her beer bottle. “What have you done to deserve it? As a species, men are wholly disappointing.”
This was a woman scorned for sure.
“Men have done some good things,” I said. “We helped make the population.”
“Barely.”
I shook my head with a laugh. Then remembered. “Fucking Chagny.” I gripped the edge of the bar, wishing I could rip it off and throw it out the window.
“He says he wants to take care of my girl.” Gretchen rolled her eyes.
“He wants what she can get him and that’s money. That’s all anybody in the industry cares about.” My voice was low, mostly to myself, but I was sure she heard.
“It’s weird, isn’t it? Him showing up right now? Right when she’s getting attention.” She shook her head and lowered her voice. “Deep down, she has to know he isn’t the author of those notes. Kim is smart, but she’s also fragile. She clings to them so desperately. I’m not here to take something away from her that brings her comfort. My only concern is that she’ll listen to anything Roddy says because he represents safety to her.”
We both drifted our focus to Kim. She danced with the other girls, her hair flowing around her as she line-danced across the floor. Happiness was written all over her face.
“You’re going to have to tell her one day,” Gretchen finished.
I licked my dry lips. My Adam’s apple sat too high in my throat. “Why’s that?”
“It’s written all over your face, how much you feel for her.”
“You can’t see my face,” I said.
“You should know I’m wise beyond my years. All us girls in the SWS have experienced things that aged us too young. We can see right through the bullshit. Actually, most women can.” She took another drink. “Unless we aren’t ready to.”
“That’s my fear.” My heart hammered into my throat admitting this. “I don’t think Kim is ready to hear the things I have to tell her. I don’t want her to be swayed for the wrong reasons. She should come to her own conclusions, in her own time.” I couldn’t look at her friend while I spoke but couldn’t stop the words from coming out either.
She nodded. “She isn’t ready. She’s living with too much fear. But she can’t do anything without all the facts.”
My heart sunk. I knew that Kim was attracted to me. I was ravenous for her. If we gave into those surface feelings, the intensity of what I really felt for her might push her away. Her feelings would never deepen. I realized that now, talking to her best friend.
I needed to gather myself and double down on the music. Let us get to the showcase. Let her see what she was completely capable of and then tell her everything. For now, I had to be patient.
“You need to be honest with her,” Gretchen said. “Or I will introduce you to my collection of bats.”
“Noted,” I said.
Even if I could never have Kim in my life at the level I wanted, at least I knew she’d be taken care of.
“Just so you know. It’s totally obvious when you’re smiling,” she said before pushing off the bar and rejoining her friends.