KIM
September
It had been seven weeks since I’d talked to Devlin. Seven weeks since I’d left home. Seven weeks since I’d remembered what it felt like to be Kim Dae. I wasn’t even sure I knew who Christine Day was, either.
The reflection that stared back at me in the mirror was a caricature of a person. A caricature that got a lot of likes, and re-posts, and compliments. Empty clicks from faceless people.
After the Fourth of July concert, which had gone as rehearsed, sans one cellist, Devlin had gone MIA and his concerto had been put on hold indefinitely. There was no bonus cello solo performance. I wasn’t going back to the SOOK if there was no show. I’d committed to help with the showcase, but with Devlin gone, my commitment was voided.
Devlin had made it clear what I was to him. I all but asked him to love me and he had told me he’d replace me with another cellist. I couldn’t let myself think about it or sickness would eat away at me. The numbness of tour was the way to go. Never had I itched more for those days of Jethro, for the drugged-out haze of life.
Roddy had already booked several stops throughout the Southeast playing local theaters that seated around three hundred. Tonight was the last show of the summer tour, and I was grateful. I was numb and empty. When asked if that was what I wanted, I simply nodded. I had no opinion. I didn’t care. I just didn’t want to hurt anybody else.
Roddy assured me that he was working on more bookings for the fall and soon we would be filling stadiums. Stadiums of people wanting to see Christine Day. What a life. The crowds were pretty decent even now. He’d done a good job of taking care of my social media presence. When I flipped through the pictures on Instagram, I didn’t recognize myself. There weren’t any traces of Kim Dae. It was Christine Day. Long flowing hair, fancy electric cello, false lashes, and heavy makeup. She was beautiful, but she was a different person.
It wasn’t an easy life. I worked nonstop. The distraction helped push aside the constant ache in my heart. The countryside blurred into hotel rooms and stages. I was grateful though, and thanked the venues and the fans. Many people dreamed of this life. And Roddy, bless his heart, he took care of everything. The fans grew with every show. It was all happening very fast, but he wasn’t surprised.
“That’s how it happens nowadays. That’s why you have to keep up with it. You’re doing great,” he’d said.
A few times he’d tried to kiss me. I told him I wasn’t interested in him that way. I made it clear before ever leaving on tour, we’d be in separate rooms and I was not his girlfriend. I was a business partner. His only response was that he was happy to go slow. He’d wait for me. The truth was, I felt nothing. This was how I felt before Devlin. Before he turned up in my life and turned everything upside down. Now, every sporadic memory of happiness was linked with a man I fought to forget.
I missed my parents and their weird ways. I missed my girls in the SWS and Erin. I missed swimming. I even missed the symphony. I didn’t miss Carla—I wasn’t that out of it. I felt myself getting stir-crazy even with all the moving around we were doing. It was the same routine even if it was different every two or three days.
We were at a hotel in—I wasn’t even sure what city we were in. I was tired already. I loved playing and meeting people, but this was draining. I was set to go on stage again in another hour for the last show of this tour. I was too tired to even lift my head from my bed.
“Knock, knock,” Roddy said as he peeked in his head through our shared door. Hadn’t that been locked? “Hope you’re decent.”
I waved from the bed. “Hey.”
“What are you doing? We gotta get going soon.” His gaze moved over my prone form. “Your hair isn’t done.”
“I thought I could put it up tonight. I keep pulling it when I play.”
“Oh, that’s frustrating. Man, I totally understand why you’d want it up. But—” He made this face like he was going for pained? Concerned? “But you have your brand now. When you’re a household name, we can play around with your style, but for now we have to keep a real consistent look. Plus, it looks so beautiful when it’s down and flowing.”
I sat up and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I began the hour-long routine of doing my hair. Roddy stood in the doorway, smiling as he leaned against the frame.
“What?” I asked.
He was watching me in the mirror as I pinned up different sections of hair. “You’re just so beautiful.”
I smiled back, but my reflection showed it didn’t reach my eyes. “Thank you.”
He said it a lot, especially, and almost pointedly, more often when I was done up.
Every time he did, it spurred the image of me tired and undone with Devlin smiling down at me. Had Devlin ever told me I was beautiful? I couldn’t recall. And yet I’d never felt more beautiful than I had when he smiled at me with soft eyes, or fire in them as I stretched over him. That was when I’d felt most perfect.
My stomach soured and I pushed the thoughts away. Over these last few weeks there were so many times my mind pulled up memories from our brief time together. Each time, I examined the scene in a different light. I forced myself to see it through the lens of reality, not the rosy hue of sentimentality. I knew that I was a muse. He would offer me no more.
Roddy stayed in the room while I got ready. I felt like I was being checked up on. I got dressed and suddenly felt like I couldn’t take a moment more of this life. I knew I should be grateful but …
I couldn’t do this. I shook with the nerves that came with voicing my opinion. My outfit was tight and revealing. My breasts were pushed up and my hair was long and loose around my shoulders. My eyelashes were as fake as all the makeup covering my face. Who was this person? Could I just go home and curl up in a ball?
“I don’t think I can do this,” I said to Roddy. My voice must have sounded as panicked as I felt because he immediately came to my side.
“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” He brushed my cheeks. “Don’t cry. You’ll ruin your pretty face.”
“I can’t do this. This isn’t—” Panic crushed in on me all at once.
This wasn’t what? The words were so close to the surface.
“I don’t want this life. After this tour is done, after tonight’s show, I’m going home.” I said on a rush. I couldn’t believe it. I said it and I knew it. I knew in that moment that while this was a wonderful life and so many people would be happy to have it, it wasn’t what I wanted.
Roddy wrapped his arms tight around me. “No, shh. You’re tired. It’s too much too soon.”
“No, I don’t want—”
“Listen. You need to relax. I put too much on you too soon. Try this.”
Out of his pocket, he pulled a small, unmarked prescription bottle. My heart raced at the sight of it.
“What is that?” I asked.
“It’s all natural. An herbal supplement. My doctor told me about it when I wasn’t sleeping. It’ll calm your nerves.”
My hands reached for the bottle as my mind screamed no. But a little part of me wanted it. I’d taken a lot of pills before I’d detoxed, all sorts of shapes and sizes and colors. I couldn’t remember what any of them were or what they did besides bring oblivion. This pill could bring freedom. I could let go. I’d been holding on so tightly to a life I didn’t want. I’d worked so hard to make it fit. If I took this pill maybe I could just exist.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I said.
“It’s over the counter. It may be a placebo for all I know. No pressure. But it will help you relax.” He cupped a hand around my head and pulled me in to place a soft kiss on my forehead.
I grew antsy. I wanted to push him away. I felt a scream trying to tear its way out of my throat. Why? I had no right to be angry or restless. I chose this. Or rather, I let myself be led into this life by my lack of choice.
“I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. You know that. I just want to help you relax.”
My mouth watered as I opened the bottle. I would just take a glance at them. “All natural?”
He scratched his chin. “Of course.”
I hid my response as I dumped out a pill into my hand. It was small and blue with a fancy “V” stamped on one side and “2531” on the other. Herbal supplement, my ass. I spent months in rehab. I knew prescription drugs. Just not this one.
I closed my hand around a pill and made to throw it in my mouth. Instead, I pocketed it. It was the most deceitful thing I’d done around Roddy. I had always been my genuine self and made the naïve assumption that he did as well. I thought with our shared history, there was no reason to be anyone but his real self. He was a shiny veneer but what about the content inside? What did I really know? We talked every day, a lot actually, but it was always about the schedule or memories or things that felt as substantive as marshmallow cereal.
I took a deep breath and relaxed. Inside I fumed. I didn’t want to assume the worst. I had gone off on Devlin, and I’d seen how well that worked out. I needed to handle this rationally.
“I’ll meet you out in the car. I’ve got your cello loaded already.” He hugged me again and made for the door. “You’ll feel better in no time. I’ve got you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Sounds good,” I smiled at him.
As soon as he was out of the room, I took a couple detailed pictures of the pill and sent it to the group chat for the SWS.
“First person to tell me what this pill is gets my undying love for eternity.”
“No pressure,” I added with a winky face. Damn, I missed my girls. And my home. My mind didn’t pop up the image of my bed though. It took me to Devlin’s bed. To the room I’d slept in. To the couch in the studio. To his bed. That was where my confused brain associated with home.
I closed my eyes tight. My phone was already blowing up with texts. They missed me too and promised to find out. One more show. One day at a time. I could do this.
I gripped the pill in my hand. I studied it for a long moment. It would be so easy to go back to being checked out. All I would have to do is swallow and live this life.
But no. I’d felt alive again. I had found joy in my playing without the help of drugs. I didn’t need a man to have that power over me. I didn’t need anybody to have that power over me. I was done letting others live my life. I would do this last show tonight and then I’d go home. From now on, I decided what I wanted.
I dropped the pill into the toilet and flushed.
In the car ride back from the show I shook with anxious rage.
Fucking Klonopin. Pardon my swearing. But was he clucking kidding me?
I knew the power of prescription drugs. They saved a lot of people’s lives when prescribed correctly and controlled by professionals. They weren’t candies to be thrown around at the first sign of stress. What he did was selfish and dangerous.
“Can cause paranoid or suicidal ideation and impair memory, judgment, and coordination. Combining with other substances, particularly alcohol, can slow breathing and possibly lead to death,” Blithe’s text read.
Suzie followed up with, “Often used to treat panic attacks and numb the brain.”
“Highly habit forming,” Gretchen added. And then right after “Read: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM.”
These lovely women had responded within minutes of me sending that first text. I’ve said it before and I would say it again: they could easily rule the world. Their messages waited on my phone after my performance. I sent a very short text back letting them know I hadn’t taken it and that I was fine. Because apparently sending that text and then disappearing for a few hours was on the “not cool” list of things to do to your girlfriends.
I had performed like the subservient little cellist I was. What was I even doing? Was this living? Because, I had to say, it didn’t feel like it. I’d been such an idiot. Letting myself see what I wanted to see rather than face something that felt too big. Devlin had made me feel so much that I’d become overwhelmed by the possibilities. I was so afraid of making the wrong choice. Well, here I was quickly understanding I had made the absolute worst choice.
We drove in silence. At least, I was silent. Roddy jabbered on about likes and reposts and all the interest in a fall tour. My head was back against the seat. It would have been bad enough if he’d offered the pill to anyone, but he knew I’d been to rehab. The nagging suspicion I’d carried the last few weeks fully formed in my mind.
I narrowed my gaze toward him and spoke over whatever he was saying. “What did the note you sent me in rehab say?”
He stilled. “Let’s not talk about that. It was a dark time in your past. You don’t like talking about it.” His words sounded like a mantra. Like if he repeated them to me enough, I’d believe them.
“Actually, I don’t mind talking about it,” I said. “It helps me move past it. Tell me what the note said.”
“I’ve asked you not to bring up those notes. It embarrasses me.”
How had I never seen through his facade? I was a willfully blind participant in the hostile takeover of my life. The truth burned through the fog of my mind, shining light on everything.
“It was only three words. Of course you can remember,” I kept my voice light.
“I can’t remember. That was a hundred years ago. Let’s not discuss such an awful time.” His complexion grew ruddy.
“No. It wasn’t awful. It made me the person I am. I’m tired of pretending it never happened.”
“You’re all worked up. When we get back to the hotel, we’ll go to the bar and have a drink.” He loosened his tie to undo the top two buttons.
“Tell me what it said.” I knew I sounded crazy, persistent, mad. I couldn’t care less.
“That was over ten years ago. I can’t remember.”
“Three words?” I persisted.
He grabbed my hand, while the other held the steering wheel. He smiled at me in the most charming way as he glanced from me to the road. That smile had probably gotten him out of a hundred sticky scenarios throughout the course of his life.
“‘I love you,’ of course. That’s what I said. And it’s still true to this day.” He squeezed my hand.
I squeezed back before lifting it off mine. I leaned back with a sigh and smiled. It was as though I could take a full breath again. All the fear and worry about making the wrong choice melted away.
I felt weightless with relief.
“It was never you,” I said.
His coolness burned away in an instant. “Oh, for fucks sake!”
I jolted back at the sudden outburst. He’d never shown anything other than sweet insistence in my presence.
“Roddy,” I chided.
“It will never be enough, will it?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“I gave you everything. I do everything for you and you always go back to those fucking notes.”
“It’s not about the notes. I’m not happy here. I want to go home.” I could make this choice with no hesitation.
“The SOOK won’t have you. And nobody knows where Devlin ran off to this time. That’s what this is about isn’t it? You think he wants you still? You were a fleeting muse.” He punched the cushion of the car seat.
With Devlin, the rage always felt hollow, an empty bolster to hide his clear insecurities. Roddy felt dangerous, spitting poison before he might attack.
“This isn’t about Devlin either. I’m going home.”
I decided my own fate. No more putting my life in other people’s hands.
“This is about him. It always is,” he grumbled. Louder he said, “After everything I did for you? Carla’s sudden absence? Come on. I got you that solo.”
I blinked totally in shock. Was he really this ugly inside?
“Roddy. What did you do?”
“I did what needed to be done. Just like I always have. Since camp. Yet you refuse to see the better man. The man right in front of you. I’m a man of action. That was what you wanted. You wanted me to take the lead. Do you know how much work all this took? And now what? You’re backing out because of some notes?”
“Roddy, please.” My heart beat so erratically, I thought I might slide into a panic attack.
He didn’t stop. “I tried to protect you. I tried to put the past away. But you have to keep bringing it up, don’t you? You think I don’t remember what happened with Ariana at camp? I haven’t forgotten what you made me do. Don’t pretend you aren’t just like me.”
My entire body went icy. I closed my eyes against the accusation. Everything he said was my deepest fear.
“No,” my voice was a whisper.
“You’re exactly like me. You do what it takes to be the best.”
I thought of what Devlin told me. I had the potential to be better. I could give back now. I could stop living in fear and I would be better.
“No!” I yelled out. I balled my fists against my knees. I glared at his profile. “I’m not like you. I don’t want to hurt people.”
He shot a look to me. “You’re hurting me. I set this all up for you, but you don’t like it so you’re quitting.”
I lifted my chin. “I finished the tour. I never signed on for anything more.”
“Christine, please.” He pulled onto the shoulder of the road and put the car in park. Immediately he grabbed my hands. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? We are a good team.” He took a deep breath and laughed a smile back into place. “Let’s just calm down. Trust me, you need this tour more than I do.”
“Do I?” He had been pushing it from the first day. What exactly did he benefit?
“Where will you go?” he asked. “What will you do?”
“I’m not sure. But I’ll figure it out. I will decide.”
“You need someone to take care of you.” He squeezed my hand in his clammy one. “I will always take care of you.”
I pulled my hand free. Lightness I hadn’t felt in years filled me.
“I can take care of myself.”