SO WHAT ABOUT THE DRAINPIPE?” ANNA-GRETA PUT DOWN her teacup and looked at Martha. The friends had just finished dinner and were now sitting with a cup of tea up in the tower room. It was still light outside. There was a bit of a wind and a roof tile sounded as if it was about to fall off.
“Yes, now listen, it’s time we fished out that money from the drainpipe.” Martha sighed and put her knitting down. “Nobody knows how long Anna-Greta’s tights will last.”
“Well, we’ve heard that before,” Brains pointed out.
“I know, but unfortunately we had some bad luck on our earlier attempt. But just because we failed that time, we can’t give up. There are so many people who need help with their financial situation these days. You know what, women who have worked all their life don’t get a big enough pension to live on—indeed, they can’t even afford to keep living in the same apartment because their pension is so low. They only receive a few hundred kronor more than those who haven’t worked at all,” Martha said.
A murmur of reflection went around the room and they all realized the gravity of what Martha had said. And this time Brains understood that he had to succeed. How else would he gain Martha’s respect? Rake, too, understood that this was serious. They couldn’t make a fool of themselves in front of the women yet another time. The new attempt must be planned very carefully.
“I trust you,” said Martha and she gave Brains a little kiss on the cheek. But deep inside she felt like a tumble dryer. What if the men botched it up again?
THE NEXT TWO WEEKS WERE SPENT ON PREPARATIONS AND then they went into action.
Martha and her friends bit their nails and paced impatiently back and forth outside the Djursholm villa before Christina’s son Anders came to fetch them in the minibus. They all felt that this time it was sink or swim. They were simply obliged to get ahold of that money for all the poorly paid health-care staff before they left their jobs and the patients started to suffer. Yes, those champions in the country’s old folk’s homes, hospitals and home care needed to be encouraged with hefty bonuses—just like the boys in the big companies.
The friends in the League of Pensioners ventured out into the night, yawning, to reacquire the millions in the drainpipe and if it hadn’t been for their passion for social justice, they would much rather have been warm and snug in bed. But after a mini-session of yoga and a solid breakfast, they climbed into the minibus ready for a new adventure. While Anders drove into the city, they yet again mulled over the drainpipe money. There were no scientific investigations to ascertain how long five million in banknotes could survive in two old pairs of tights stuffed down a drainpipe, and this was not exactly something they could ask the experts about. The League of Pensioners must quite simply hope for the best. And thus it was a case of acting quickly so that they didn’t arouse too much suspicion. And to be on the safe side, this time they had bribed the night porter and the night duty security guards outside the entrance to the Grand Hotel.
Martha had talked about the fiftieth anniversary of the City Fire Station and said that the members of the pensioners’ club would be given a little surprise. Her husband and his colleagues had been members for forty years and would be so pleased to feel that all those years in the service of society were acknowledged. There might be a little noise out on the street for a short while, but the celebration would only take a few minutes and then she promised that the members of the fire station club would disappear just as quickly as they had arrived. When the staff at the Grand Hotel had been hesitant, she had flipped over her walker and started to shed tears and had said that she didn’t want to live any longer. Were the staff really so ill-natured that they couldn’t give an old woman a little joy? The security guards squirmed and looked very embarrassed and then Martha had played her trump card.
“In the final instance this is about fire safety, since we are also going to test a new type of fire extinguishing system. This won’t cost the hotel anything at all, and should you wish to purchase the new extinguishers in the future, we promise you a reduction of twenty percent. Nothing is as important as fire safety and, of course, it would feel good if we test our most modern equipment right outside the Grand Hotel,” she finished off and then she flirted a little with her eyes.
“You’ll have to take that up with the management!” said the oldest guard with his hands behind his back. His uniform was so elegant and it looked as if it had come straight from the posh NK department store.
“But please, I promised my husband. Just a short while. Please! We’ll try to be as quiet as we can!” Martha angled her head to one side and let her voice break in that tear-filled way that only an elderly frail woman can manage.
“Hmm,” said the guards and they didn’t look especially convinced. But when Martha started snivelling, pulled out her handkerchief (drenched in onion juice) and let the tears pour out, even the man with the elegant uniform from NK melted. Martha blew her nose (on another handkerchief), thanked them for their confidence and promised to be as quick and silent as she could.
Stockholm slept and almost nobody except night workers, late night revelers and furtive criminals was out on the streets when Anders parked close to the Grand Hotel and the League of Pensioners got out of the minibus. They were wearing the fire brigade’s thick, black uniforms and had become much livelier during the drive in from Djursholm. Brains and Rake quickly unrolled the police tape between two cones they had set up at the entrance to the Blasieholm quayside. Then they hung up a printed sign in yellow and black which said: WARNING. They had discussed whether they should put up a sign saying: “Warning: Criminal investigation under way” or “Warning: Explosives” but had concluded that neither idea was suitable. Then they had agreed to just have a sign saying “Warning” so that people could be afraid of whatever they wanted.
To improve the effect, Brains had suggested that they should construct one of those robots that looked like the ones that searched for bombs and they all thought that was a good idea. Brains had been given a free hand and they could all hear him hum and sing in his workshop. In the end, he had emerged with a fake robot that he had made from an old radio-controlled car that he had hidden inside a black Siemens vacuum cleaner. It all looked very convincing, as did the sign that Christina made with the help of her computer: “WARNING: EXPLOSIVES.” This was a reserve sign that would only be used if people became too curious and the robot, in turn, would only be sent out in the event of the police—or a taxi driver or a ferry captain for that matter—becoming too inquisitive. Brains had promised and crossed his heart that he wouldn’t bring out his Siemens Special unless absolutely necessary.
“Here it is, we only have to open that,” said Anders when they had cordoned off the area and the League of Pensioners had found the old classic fire hydrant close to the ferry dock.
“Are you sure the water pressure won’t damage the money?” Martha wondered and looked on worriedly as Brains, Rake and Anders started to roll out the fire hose.
“But we can’t get the tights out of the drainpipe with compressed air, Martha dear. We must use water. And see how fortunate we are with this solid old fire hydrant. We only need to connect the hose,” said Brains.
“Yes, you couldn’t have a better hydrant than this,” Anders agreed and patted the dark green construction lightly on the top. “Now we only need to check the interlocks and that everything is in working order.”
Anders, who was standing right behind Brains, leaned forward and checked the hose very carefully.
“This is going to have a fantastic reach,” he said, very pleased.
“You what?” Christina wondered.
“Reach, the water will shoot out with a hell of a force,” Anders answered.
“What about the threaded hose couplings?” Brains looked at the hose sections and counted three.
“What?” muttered Rake.
“The threaded hose couplings. We must join the hoses together,” Brains explained.
“Oh yes, right, of course we must,” mumbled Rake.
They had purchased the hose in separate sections because they feared a single long section would be too heavy for them to carry. None of them were in the same shape as a real fireman, but they planned to connect several short lengths of hose together so that they would end up with a long hose. The men rolled up their sleeves and joined the hoses as best they could and then tried to screw the synthetic hose to the hydrant.
Martha, who had taken a step back, watched all this from a distance. She paced back and forth on the pavement outside the National Museum and tried to keep away while the men worked. It was their turn now. Otherwise she was always the one who ensured that the project was carried out, as with the case of the theft of the Renoir and Monet paintings up at the museum.
She glanced up at the facade and the National Museum’s steep steps and smiled a little. A lot of exciting things had taken place here. But this time—this time it was Brains and Rake who would be in charge of everything and if she didn’t keep her distance, she would get too involved and start giving them advice. Something that not everybody appreciated. She would just go a little closer and see how they were doing. She heard the men huffing and puffing but nothing happened. No, they weren’t getting anywhere with this. And then she couldn’t resist going right up to them.
“Now listen, it would probably be best to turn the water on soon so that we don’t get all tangled up in that mess of hoses,” she said pointing at the snakes’ nest of hoses out in the street.
Rake and Brains grunted while they continued in their sweaty efforts to get everything together and working.
“Yes, and then we push out my tights from the drainpipe at great speed,” Anna-Greta added, together with a loud neigh.
“Sh,” the others hushed her. “We mustn’t attract attention!”
“No, definitely!” said Anna-Greta with her thunderous voice and then there came an extremely weird noise from her stomach as she tried to restrain her voluminous horsey laugh. She was more sensitive than usual when she was so excited.
When Anders, Brains and Rake finally succeeded in connecting the sections of hose and fastening the end to the hydrant with a spanner wrench, they went to the drainpipe and pushed the nozzle up into the opening. Now that the first light of dawn was reaching Stockholm you could see pretty well, but there were still very few people out on the streets. Outside the Grand Hotel it was silent, and the driver of a Stockholm taxi who was on his way to the hotel turned back when he saw the area blocked off.
Now they were ready to turn on the water, but all the work they had done so far had made the members of the League of Pensioners so tired that they had to catch their breath before they continued. The old crooks looked up at the Grand Hotel where the dark drainpipe stood out against the light facade.
“What if the drainpipe leaks?” Christina suddenly asked.
“It won’t. Pipes like that don’t leak,” said Anders authoritatively, though he had no idea.
“Well, then. Shall we start?” Martha wondered, and her voice sounded slightly more unsteady than usual.
Brains nodded, took up position by the hydrant and Anders and Rake took a firm hold of the hose sticking up into the drainpipe, and gave a thumbs-up.
“Now you will be careful, won’t you?” Christina breathed and put her hands over the bridge of her nose as she sometimes did when she was nervous. But the men didn’t answer and the next moment a strange hissing noise could be heard, like the sound you hear when the water rushes through a garden hose just before it splits. The fire hose filled out and straightened up and when it was completely round, Anders and Rake pushed the nozzle even further up the drainpipe. Suddenly there was an enormous whoosh inside the drainpipe and the men lost control. The nozzle and hose shot up in the drainpipe at an incredible speed, making an enormous rattling noise. The doorman at the Grand Hotel took a few steps forward and looked very perplexed.
“This shouldn’t be physically possible,” Brains gasped as he wrestled with the hose. Now you could hear so many strange sounds inside the drainpipe that it was really confusing and the length of hose still on the pavement started to squirm and turn wildly. A ferry captain who had been asleep in his cabin came out on deck in wrinkled pyjamas and rubbed his eyes.
“What the hell is going on?” he shouted and took a step toward the quay to lecture the people who were disturbing the peace. “Oh but, my spectacles,” he realized, tripped on one of the deck planks and fell heavily. “Ah, fucking hell!” He swore loud and long and then, groaning, felt his knee while the seagulls flew up from the water in fright.
“Turn it off, turn it off!” Martha shouted, but then Brains became so nervous that he turned the handle of the hydrant the wrong way. Immediately the water pressure became so great that the men could hardly hold on to the hose. The pillar of water got higher and higher until it came to a sudden stop. Inside the drainpipe it shrieked and rattled and the hose bulged so round that it looked as if it would burst.
“Now listen, what’s happening?” Martha shouted, rushing up to the hydrant. “Have we got the wrong drainpipe?”
“Wrong drainpipe? Are you mad, woman!” sputtered Rake while he struggled with the hose.
“What if all the banknotes are ruined? For God’s sake, turn off the water!” Anna-Greta appealed.
“You can’t bloody well stop a deluge,” Rake hissed and he threw himself down on the hose to stop it from knocking everyone over, while Christina tried to sit on it without losing her elegance.
“This is the day of reckoning!” she exclaimed and clasped her hands together, but she got no further when something suddenly shot up into the sky from the top of the drainpipe at one hell of a speed while a fountain of water sprayed up over the roof’s edge and then fell back together with a collection of empty bottles that rolled down the roof. Even higher up, you could see a large and dark shape on its way down. It banged into the flagpole next to the Princess Lilian suite, bounced on the copper roof and then slid down toward the gutter where it ended up hanging over the edge.
“Oh no, don’t say it’s got stuck!” Martha groaned and she peered up at the roof with her hand over her eyebrows.
“Ah, we’ll give it another little squirt.” Playfulness showed all over Brains’s face. “Come on, Anders!”
The two men pulled the hose out of the drainpipe and aimed the nozzle at the roof gutter where what looked like a sausage-shaped trash bag was hanging over the side. The bag started to move from the pressure of the stream of water.
“Will that really work? Oh dear, I will say another prayer,” mumbled Christina clasping her hands together.
“Christina, the pressure from a fire hose can move a car,” answered Brains at the same moment that the black bag finally sailed over the edge and fell down to the street.
“The trash bag! Hurrah, now we’re richer by five million kronor,” Anna-Greta exclaimed when she saw the black bag crash down.
“Sh!” came from the others.
“That’s if there is anything left of the banknotes, of course,” Anna-Greta added.
The men turned off the water and had barely had time to disconnect the coupling before Anna-Greta rushed up to the bag to have a look . . .