The Worst Date Ever
Text Message:
Delilah: Have you SEEN the new barman?
Lauren: Hot, right?
Delilah: So hot!
Lauren: He has a dimple. I love a dimple
Delilah: Dimples are so cute and did you see his bum when he bent down to pick up that 50p?
Lauren: Good call dropping that, by the way
I’ve never seen Dan outside of The Farthing. I only ever see him outside of the bar when he goes on the odd glass-collection round. He seems much shorter in The Wheatsheaf. Not Santa’s helper-short, but he only just reaches my chin and I’m not even wearing heels. I’d agonised over outfits this evening – did I go for a dress, trousers or skirt? Casual or dressy up? Heels or flats?
‘That one’s easy,’ Lauren had told me. She’d helpfully popped round after work to help me prepare. ‘Dan’s a bit… vertically challenged, remember.’
So I’d gone for a pair of nude ballet pumps (thankfully), black skinny jeans and a floaty top. Not too casual but not too smart either. It was the Baby Bear of the fashion world.
‘You made it! Brilliant!’ Dan holds out his palm and I look at it for a moment before it dawns on me that he wants me to high-five it. I place my palm on his briefly before snatching it away. ‘Let me get you a drink and then you can meet the guys.’
I’ve never been to The Wheatsheaf before as it’s a bit out of the way. My first impression is that it’s quite dark. And a little bit dingy. It also seems to be missing its patrons. Apart from me and Dan, there is only a lone barmaid, bored and staring into space.
‘Hey, Donna.’ Dan hops up onto a stool at the bar (I’m surprised that he makes it. The stool is almost as tall as he is). The barmaid springs to life, her heavily made-up eyes wide and fluttery.
‘What can I get you, Dan?’ Donna’s eyes flicker to me and she scowls before beaming at Dan once more. She leans towards him, flashing a sizeable cleavage. It looks like Daddy Warbucks and King Mongkut of Siam are tucked down her top. ‘Your usual?’ She cocks an eyebrow at me. Yes, she’s saying. I know Dan’s usual. Do you?
I don’t, actually. I’ve never seen him drink anything at The Farthing. Not even a glass of water.
‘Please.’ Dan turns to me. ‘Usual?’
Ha! Dan knows my usual, Donna.
‘Yes. Thank you, Dan.’ I do a bit of fluttering myself but stop when I realise I look like a berk.
‘Two pints, please. And one for yourself.’
Donna’s eyebrows are raised at me as she passes to grab a couple of glasses. He’s buying me a drink too, they’re saying. This isn’t over.
‘Come on, let’s go and meet the others.’ Dan hops back down from the stool and grabs his pint, leading me to the back of the pub and through a door marked private. There’s a room beyond with a ratty old sofa, a precarious pile of old, dusty portable TVs and several boxes of crisps. There isn’t a window so the room is stuffy as it’s crammed with bodies, junk and instruments.
‘This is Mickey, Tris, Leona, Gary, Doodle and Munch.’ Dan introduces his friends, who nod and murmur greetings. ‘Guys, this is Delilah.’
Doodle and Munch grin at each other before they break out into song, serenading me with ‘Hey There Delilah’ by Plain White T’s. I smile and giggle as though it isn’t the twenty millionth time this has been done to me.
‘Leave her alone now.’ Dan grabs my hand and leads me through the assault course of the room. ‘Have a seat.’
I look down at the scabby sofa with its stuffing hanging out of old, fraying wounds. It smells of something I can’t identify. Something bad.
‘I’m all right standing. I’ve been sitting down at work all day.’
‘I don’t blame you for not wanting to sit on that.’ Leona, the only other girl, nods towards the stinky sofa. ‘That thing smells like somebody ate shit and threw it back up again across the cushions.’
And what a delightful image that is.
‘I really would rather stand for a while.’
Leona shrugs. ‘Fair enough. If you do want to sit down though, you’re better off sitting out in the bar.’
‘She can’t, can she?’ Doodle asks. ‘Not with Dan anyway. Donna’s out there.’ Doodle shakes his head at Dan. ‘You shouldn’t have banged her, man. That bitch is never going to leave you alone now.’
Dan has the good grace to look slightly uncomfortable, which only makes Doodle throw his head back and laugh his puny little head off.
‘Leave it, will you?’ Dan asks, but Doodle does not. He ups his game and starts to do impressions of Dan and Donna in the act, using Munch as a prop. To be fair to Munch, he isn’t at all happy with the arrangement.
I look at the time. There are almost two hours until the band are due to start their set. It’s going to be a long night.
The pub has started to fill up a little more by the time we escape the suffocating storeroom. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be out of there. I thought the smell of the sofa was bad, but then Doodle and Munch tried to outdo each other with farts and I would have quite happily shoved my face into the sofa cushions and inhaled deeply to mask their stench. At one point Munch had grabbed the seat of his jeans and waddled out of the room, declaring that he may well have shat himself. He couldn’t be sure and we haven’t seen him since.
‘I’m sorry about them,’ Dan says as we shuffle out of the storeroom. We’re carrying bits of drum kit, so it’s a slow walk to the corner of the pub where the band will play shortly. ‘They’re ok once you get to know them.’
‘It’s ok.’ I have to remind myself that I’m on a date with Dan and not his mates, otherwise I’ll drop the drum I’m lugging across the room and leg it. ‘They’re not that bad, really.’
‘They’re a laugh, aren’t they?’
Is Dan being serious? ‘Mmm.’ I’m not committing either way. It’s far too soon to pick faults with his mates.
‘I’m sorry about Donna too.’ Dan and I dump the kit in the corner before returning to the dreaded storeroom to pick up more. It still stinks. ‘I didn’t think she’d be working tonight. She doesn’t usually do Fridays.’
‘It’s fine.’ It’s none of my business, really.
‘It only happened once and I was completely off my face. I couldn’t even remember it but Munch filmed it on his phone.’
‘He filmed it?’ We pick up more bits of drum and shuffle out of the cupboard. ‘How did you not notice him in your room?’ I have visions of Munch crouching in Dan’s wardrobe, his phone poking out of a crack in the door. The weird little degenerate.
‘We weren’t in my room. We were out there.’ Dan nods towards the back of the pub. ‘Out in the alley. It was so dark you can’t really tell it’s me but I recognised my trainers.’ He sticks out his foot, displaying a pair of trainers that must be three-hundred years old. ‘And you can’t miss Donna and her big gob.’
Dan starts to tinker with the drum kit and I excuse myself to pop to the loo. This date is not going at all as I expected. I thought it’d be fun to hang out with Dan outside of The Farthing. We’ve always got on so well and he seemed fun and charming, but I’m seeing very little of that now. I don’t like this Dan and I really don’t like his friends.
‘Looking forward to the show?’
I jump at the sound of the voice as I leave the stall. I hadn’t heard anyone else come in but Leona is standing at the grimy mirror, the contents of her makeup bag tipped into the sink. She’s busily applying eyeliner, thick and neat with an elaborate flick at the corners.
‘Yes.’ At least I was, until I met the band. ‘How long have you been together?’
Leona screws the lid on the eyeliner, swapping it for mascara, which she applies liberally. ‘Since school, so about five years.’
‘Five years?’ My stomach does a funny jumpy thing. ‘How old are you guys?’
‘Me and Gary are twenty-one, the others are twenty.’ Leona applies a final coat of mascara before topping up her blusher.
Twenty? Dan is twenty? I thought he was older – my age at least – but he’s practically a boy. It explains the childishness, at least.
‘He likes you, you know.’ Leona gathers up her makeup, shoving it into her cosmetics bag. ‘I can tell. He’s sort of lit up since you’ve been around. Do you like him?’ Leona zips up her bag and turns to face me. She purses her lips and I feel myself wilt under her scrutiny.
‘Yes,’ I croak. ‘He’s a great guy.’
‘Dan’s the best.’ Leona checks her reflection one last time. ‘Not my type though. I prefer tits.’ Turning from the mirror, Leona marches out of the loo, but not before she’s given my boob a squeeze as she passes. I gape at her, not sure whether it actually happened or I imagined it. Did she seriously just fondle my boob?
‘Nice, by the way.’ Leona winks at me before the door swings shut behind her.
It’s official. This is the worst date ever.