Chapter Nineteen

Josh should have left as soon as Reggie fell asleep, but he stayed, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her. He needed to make sure her chest rose and fell. That she wasn’t in pain. He’d never felt such a fierce need to protect a woman that wasn’t his daughter. Not even Sonja. As much as he’d loved her and wanted to make things work, Josh had to admit he’d never had this sort of passion when it came to his ex. Something about Reggie just connected with him. Ever since he’d seen her, the way her hips moved when she walked, and the fierceness of her gaze. Immediately, he knew she was strong, bold, and determined. She couldn’t be a driver without those traits, and yet it was unmistakable that she was very, very feminine. Everything about her screamed sex to him. He wanted to kiss her supple lips, moving around the curve of her jaw, down her neck...

Not the best thoughts to be having right now. Staring at her, fantasizing about her. Josh rubbed his palms on his jeans, trying to dry the sweat. He needed to get it together. Reggie was leaving in a few days—though he figured she’d have to be back in time to testify against the assholes.

Before he could think on it more, the doorbell rang. He raised a brow. It was after eleven and he knew it wasn’t his sister. Trevor, maybe? He probably wanted to come and see how Reggie was doing. Whatever Trevor’s problems, he had a good heart. Rubbing the back of his neck, Josh adjusted the blankets to make sure Reggie was comfortable and jogged down the hall to the door.

“Hey Trev—“ But the word fell from his tongue as he opened the door, seeing the woman on the other side.

Her long, blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail and for a moment Josh saw the future. He saw the beautiful, slender figured woman his daughter would become. The twins always had more features of their mother, something Josh was always grateful for. She’d been beautiful before the drugs, and even now she was, but he could see the premature lines around her eyes. Sonja had abused her body and while it didn’t show as much now, he knew that Emma would look much younger when she was her mother’s age—so long as she didn’t become addicted to drugs herself. Josh would do anything to keep that from happening. Another reason on the ever-growing list of why he was wary to have Sonja in their life. Her influence affected their kids in more ways than one.

“Sonja.” She stole his breath away, but not because of her beauty. It felt like a three-pronged hook slammed into his heart and yanked, flooding him with fear. He’d worked for the past two years to get his kids back on track. They still had problems, anger issues that the twins dealt with in their own way. He’d been preparing himself for when she showed up, but it hadn’t been enough.

Sonja looked good. Her clothes were clean, her complexion flush and full of life. She smiled, and it was vibrant, so unlike the listless person Josh had last seen sitting behind the table at court. She’d seemed so frail then with dark circles under her eyes and her cheeks sunken in, as if she’d become a skeleton instead of the woman she’d once been. Now, he remembered the woman before the drugs.

“Hi, Josh.” She kept her voice soft, humble.

The shock wore away, and he shook his head. At that moment, he hadn’t been thinking about Reggie. Josh had been worrying about Sonja, about what he’d say to her. So many different scenarios had run through his mind. Now, none of them came to the forefront. He didn’t want to come off as callous and cruel, but he didn’t know how to handle this. Didn’t know what to say. He just stood, staring at her, as if the world around him had frozen.

“Can I come in?” She tilted her head, the end of her ponytail laying on her shoulder.

He wanted to scream ‘NO’, to tell her to get the hell away from him and stay away from the kids. But they weren’t here right now. Reggie slept just down the hall where Josh and Sonja had once shared a room. Once, everything in the house had been as much Sonja’s as it had been his. Then it had been segregated. He’d effectively taken Sonja’s touch out of the house. Not because he didn’t want his kids to know their mother, but because the pain was too much for them. He had to find a way to help his kids move forward. Letting Sonja walk through the door would invite a new threshold of pain into his life, but on the same token, Josh knew he had to try. At the end of the day, she was still the mother of his children.

“Sure.” He stepped aside and held the door open.

Josh walked back into the living room with two steaming mugs of coffee. Sonja sat on the couch looking around, her eyes thoughtful.

“Sorry,” Josh said, handing her a generic blue mug. “I got rid of your cup.”

He’d gotten rid of a lot more than that. She’d had a pink mug with daisies on it—her favorite flower. Josh hated to think Sonja felt like he’d excluded her from their lives, but in a way he had. Consequences of her own actions. Josh wondered then, why he felt so sheepish as he approached her, like he was the one who should be guilty of something.

Smiling, she took the cup from her, wrapping her long slender fingers around the ceramic. “That’s okay. This one’s fine.”

Josh rubbed his face and sat in the recliner. He didn’t trust himself to sit on the couch with her. He didn’t worry about an old spark reigniting. That had been snuffed out long ago. He knew the second he saw Sonja that he’d never be with her again. Even if she did come back from it all—he didn’t see her the same way, couldn’t love her like he used to. Too many wounds had been inflicted between them, and while they might heal one day, the scar tissue would be too rough to get past. A constant reminder.

“Not to sound like a jerk,” Josh said. “I know you got out early and everything but—“ He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out what to say.

Sonja froze, mid sip of the coffee. Slowly, she lowered it, setting it on the coffee table in front of her. “I know I don’t deserve your trust. Not at all. I—“ Tears welled in her eyes and Josh did his best not to reach over and take her hand. He couldn’t let himself do that. Not yet. There wasn’t enough forgiveness.

“I’m better,” she said, keeping her eyes on the floor. “I know you’ve heard me say that at least a hundred times, but this time,” she lifted her gaze. “This time it’s true.”

Something ached inside of him at her words. He wanted to believe what Sonja said, but her lies had poisoned the entire family. “Why did they let you out early?”

“Good behavior and overcrowding.”

“Why wasn’t I notified? Why wouldn’t you have called me?”

“I...” She blew out a breath. “I didn’t think you’d let me come. Let me see the kids.”

“Oh, you’re not seeing the kids.” He leaned forward as he set the mug on the table. “Not until I’m sure you aren’t a danger.”

“I’m their mother!”

“You gave birth to them, but your motherhood status is something you gave up for a crack pipe!” The anger he tried to control came flooding to the front at the memory of his daughter standing there, slender clear glass in her hand as the woman who was supposed to be his wife and her mother laid on the couch passed out. “Do you realize Emma could have died?!”

Sonja pressed her lips together. “Yes, I realize that! I’ve spent every day of the last two years thinking about that! I’ve been in prison and I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did! I never will, but Josh—I want to be a part of their lives!”

Hell, he didn’t want to deal with this. Not now, not after the long night he’d already had. It wasn’t even midnight yet, but it felt like he’d been up till the wee hours of the morning. “You have left them scarred with memories and nightmares,” Josh seethed. “You don’t have the right to just waltz back in and act like none of it happened.”

“I’m not saying I do!” She rubbed her hands on her jeans and closed her eyes. Josh noted the way her cheeks puffed out as she held her breath, how her hands gripped the edge of the couch cushions.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what else to say.

After a few moments, she opened her eyes and looked at him. “I just want a chance to make up for my mistakes.”

“You’re not off to a good start.”

Sonja stood, clenching her fists and moved behind the couch, pacing. “Can’t you give me a little slack here?”

“Slack?” Josh shook his head and stood up. “You’re a real piece of work, Sonja. Still worrying about yourself. Do you realize you haven’t even asked how they are?”

She let out a slow breath. “You’re right. I haven’t. I... was scared to.”

Something flickered in her gaze. Regret, maybe? Josh couldn’t pinpoint it. She down, folding her hands in her lap. Her knee shook hard enough Josh could feel it through the floor boards. “I’m sorry.”

He let out a frustrated sigh and turned away, gripping the lip of the wooden entertainment center. The word ‘sorry’ had come out of Sonja’s mouth so many times in the last few years. Something in Josh had always caved when she apologized. He had sympathy for her, knowing how hard it must be to get off the stuff. Then he remembered she made the conscious choice to pick it up in the first place and it angered him all over again. Apologies from Sonja had lost their meaning a long time ago.

“Sorry, doesn’t excuse everything you’ve done.”

She frowned. “You don’t have to give me such a hard time, you know. I mean, you weren’t exactly husband of the year!”

He rolled his eyes. This had been a mistake. Give Sonja an inch and she’ll take a mile. “You need to go.”

“Josh, please! I... I didn’t mean it.”

He shook his head. “I’ll contact my lawyer and find out what’s going on.”

“You can just call Trevor now.” She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her hip.

The old Sonja was starting to show herself now. It was in the attitude slipping into her posture and the glare in her narrowed gaze. Shaking his head, Josh walked over and opened the door. “Goodbye Sonja.”

Shoulders sagging, Sonja puckered her lips into a pout, adding a distinct swagger to her step. “Josh, this is ridiculous. I’m your wife.”

“Ex-wife.”

She trailed her fingers over his shirt, leaning into him. “Please. Just give me a chance.”

Taking her hands, he pulled them from his chest and rested them at her side. “We’ll be in touch.”

Working her jaw, she let out a sigh. “Can... can you at least front me some money for the motel? I’m short on funds till I get back on my feet.”

Josh barked out a laugh and shook his head. He wanted to say no, but he couldn’t cast her out, knowing she had no money to find a place to stay. Her parents moved away years ago and no one would risk her under their roof, not after her history of stealing. They’d all been burned by her at one point or another.

Jerking his wallet out of his back pocket, Josh flipped it open and pulled out several twenties. He kept cash on him for independent sellers. He put it in her hand. “Here. It’s all I have on me.”

She nodded and smiled, clutching the bills to her chest. “Thank you.”

“Sonja,” Josh said giving her an even look. “Don’t go near the kids. If you do, I’ll have you in court for full custody.”

Her face drained of color and she nodded. “I’ll prove to you I’ve changed, Josh. I promise.”

Part of him wanted to believe it, but he couldn’t afford to. He had to be strong, be a wall of protection between Sonja and his kids. He hoped she did prove herself, become a mom to them again, but it would be a long road. He’d rather she not be in their lives than tear out their hearts all over again. Josh could handle it, but he wasn’t so sure his kids could.

Sonja walked down the stoop and out into the night. Shutting the door, Josh walked to the kitchen table and sat heavily in the chair, dropping his head in his hands.