Listening to and learning from abortion stories creates a pathway for us to develop our individual and collective capacity to offer compassion to one another. Like I said in the introduction, compassion is not pity or even empathy. It is a process of regular, intentional action that centers the one in need.
As a former group fitness instructor, I liken it to building physical strength. When a muscle has been underutilized, building it up requires focus, intentional work, proper form, rest, and patience. We can’t speed up the process by overworking our bodies. Too much exercise leads to burnout and injury, which are counterproductive to our goal. What we need is commitment to a long-term plan with steps that are achievable and build strength over time. Our plan needs to take into account that we aren’t going to show up the exact same way each day—that our energy and motivation are going to wax and wane. That’s why we also need encouragement and accountability to keep us focused on our goal.
The same is true when we begin the journey of creating a culture of compassion around abortion. It feels overwhelming! The challenges are daunting, and the transformation we seek will not happen overnight. That’s why I’ve developed an action plan of steps that will help us collectively build stronger compassion “muscles” to equip for the long work ahead.
Each of us will have different responses to the stories in this book—and that’s OK. What’s important is that we start from a place of self-awareness. Take some time to reflect on how taking in these stories has impacted you. Which ones stood out? What emotions did they evoke in you, and how did that feel in your body?
It’s probable that at some point in your reading, you were triggered. Maybe you felt defensive, judgmental, or apathetic. Maybe you experienced sadness or grief. Honor and accept your feelings, no matter what they are, as an authentic response to what you read. If you feel any overwhelming emotion, tend to yourself. Take a walk, journal, call a friend—whatever you need.
Then spend some time exploring the root of that emotional reaction. Did it remind you of something from your own life or the experience of a loved one? What other factors may have played into your response? You may find journaling or talking with a close friend helpful, or you might find clarity through dedicated times of prayer or meditation. Maybe what you need right now is to stop thinking about this book or abortion altogether. Please listen to your inner knowing! Take a break and come back when you feel ready to resume your journey.
No matter where you are starting from, a values clarification exercise can be helpful in being able to articulate your views to others. One helpful resource is the free guide The Abortion Option: A Values Clarification Guide for Health Care Professionals created by the National Abortion Federation. Although this guide was developed specifically for health care providers, the questions and reflection exercises are useful for anyone who wants a better understanding of their personal views on abortion.
Another simple way to start this process is to ask yourself a set of questions like these:
It’s OK if you don’t have an answer to every question. Pay attention to any emotions that come up as you explore these questions. Were there any times that you felt shame or guilt? Take the time to pause and tend to these places with love and kindness. Whenever we become self-critical, we block ourselves from receiving the love and healing we need to grow and evolve. Compassion starts with accepting ourselves, recognizing that as human beings, we all are flawed and make mistakes and that regardless, we are worthy of kindness and gentleness.
You may want to reach out to a trusted friend or faith leader to talk about what you discovered. There might be questions you want to explore more fully. I’ve included some helpful books and websites in the resources.
As Renee Bracey Sherman has said, “Abortion stigma—the shared understanding that abortion is morally wrong and/or socially unacceptable—is pervasive in our society.”1 Abortion stigma isn’t reserved only for those who identify as staunchly anti-choice. It shapes us as a collective. That’s why many people who are politically pro-choice also assert that they would never have an abortion themselves and why so many people I interviewed never thought that they would need abortion care.
Each of us must look for the ways that stigma impacts our beliefs and values about abortion. If your initial response to an abortion story in this book or elsewhere is judgment, stop to investigate the source of those assumptions. What are your underlying beliefs about people who have abortions and under what circumstances? What would it look like if you suspended your judgment and approached this situation with an open heart and an open mind?
Compassion centers the person in need of support or care. As you learn about different experiences with abortion, practice maintaining a healthy sense of separateness between their experience and your own feelings. One of the greatest spiritual lessons of this work is remembering that each of us is capable of receiving whatever divine guidance we need when we are making decisions about our lives. Remember that what may be best for you might not be the best for someone else in similar circumstances.
Our intention is rarely to hurt someone who is struggling or in pain, yet so often we say and do things that cause harm. When faced with someone’s grief or difficulty, we tend to react from our own discomfort, fears, and anxieties, and we end up centering our own needs rather than those of the person coming to us for support. Consider a time when you were in pain and someone offered unhelpful advice or platitudes. What did that feel like? What would have been helpful?
As a practice, compassion is not the same as agreement with someone’s decision or even full understanding of their situation. Compassion is opening up room for someone else’s experience to be held with love and acceptance, regardless of your ability to relate to or identify with it. When the impulse to judge or criticize comes up, see this as an opportunity to strengthen your compassion muscles by shifting your focus back to the person who is sharing with you. Instead of offering advice, ask thoughtful questions and listen for understanding. The goal is not to be right; the goal is to be open.
Let’s be honest. Many of us aren’t even comfortable saying the word abortion. The more you talk about it, the more normal it will feel. Speak with a trusted friend or someone in your life you think might be open to an honest, kind conversation.
If you find yourself in a heated debate, know that you can stop the conversation at any time. You may also ask thoughtful questions. Practice compassionate listening with those who disagree with you.
Just like you started with a personal assessment of where you are starting, get clear on where your community stands. Is abortion something that is discussed? What about sexuality, reproductive loss, and gender equity? Think about the stated and implicit community values and how they operate.
If you feel there is an opening for this work, start by having conversations with others in the community. This is good practice for developing the skill of normalizing abortion by talking about it. Discuss the kinds of rituals, ministries, and programs that your community already offers. How might they overlap?
If your community has never held an event focused on reproductive loss or reproductive freedom, think about an entry point. Activities like sharing circles, a documentary screening, or a book club can be helpful ways to get people thinking. If you are going to host a discussion, make sure to secure a skilled facilitator to help manage any conflict that might arise.
Discern ways that your faith community can offer compassionate care to people who have abortions. If your community is ready to take compassionate action, there are many things you can do to support people who have abortions:
Get to know the organizations and people in your area who are already engaged in this work, like abortion funds, clinics, and advocacy organizations. Ask how you can partner with them and what support would be most helpful. Aim to collaborate, not re-create what’s already in place.
Remember, this is an ongoing process. As we continue to grow in our compassion, we grow in our capacity to hold space for the myriad experiences people have and meet them with love and acceptance. Each time we offer compassion, we move one step closer to being the kind of people God calls us to be.